SkyGirl

As far as I could tell, I'd been caught in this storm forever. I could only dimly remember the sunshine before it, and I had no thought of any days afterward. There was only the howling scream of the wind, the blast of the icy sleet against every bit of exposed skin, the cold blue darkness that obliterated every landmark and guidepost I might look for. It might have been hours, might have been days; but there had been no sun, no day or night. There was only the storm. I couldn't curl any closer to the base of the huge tree I was leaning against. I'd already tightened my cramped, frozen arms and legs into a knot against my torso, and my neck ached from keeping my head tucked against my knees. My strength was nearly gone. My heartbeat felt weak; my stomach's terrified churning had finally given way to a gnawing emptiness. For a little while, my whispered mantras and affirmations had created a little bubble of warmth around me, keeping the worst of the cold away from my heart; but they had finally given out, extinguished by the relentless deep of the deathly cold. There was nothing else between me and the storm, and I was fully exposed, fully consumed. "Eldarwen." I didn't even bother to lift my head. What was the point? No help was coming. It was just another illusion, sent to further deepen my despair. I stayed curled into my tiny, fragile ball of safety. "Eldarwen. Look up." I almost, almost wanted to look up. But if I moved, the cold would pierce the last of my defenses and I'd be - whatever came next. Gone. Overwhelmed. Lost. "Go away," I whispered. "I can see you, Eldarwen. I'm right here. You're going to get through this." I snorted, still not moving. "'This' is all there is now. I'm going to be here forever. It's going to get me this time." "No. No, my dear Dark Elf. You are not going to be here forever. The end is coming and you are going to see it." Now, for the first time, I stirred slightly. My fingers uncurled, just a tiny bit. "Can - can you say that again?" "The end is coming. You've done so well, you've gotten through the worst of it. You knew exactly what to do to keep yourself safe. You're safe, Dark Elf. The light is still out there and you're almost back to it. You're going to be okay." I breathed in and realized the warmth of the Silver Archer, the bright golden healing of her brave heart, was starting to sweeten the icy air around me, just the smallest amount. It was like the first faint scent of the southern spring air in February, the tiniest whisper of promise that winter was going to end. I dared not lift my head, but I opened my hands and reached out to her with my heart. "I need you," I whispered. "Please come to me. Please help me get out of here." "You don't need me, Eldarwen. You have everything you need in yourself. You always have." "But I don't want to be filled from myself," I cried, sudden tears rising in the back of my throat and one sweet gasp of release letting some of the tension ease out of my shoulders. "Please, Sky, please come and save me. Please get me out of this." "Eldarwen, you're already saving yourself. It's scary not to be rescued right now. But you're so much stronger than you used to be and so much stronger than you can imagine. I know it feels like the storm is beating you, but it isn't. I can see what you can't see. You are stronger and more powerful than this storm, and you are protected by the light and prayers of your friends. This storm is very small and you are not alone." Despite the hope of her words, I felt no difference in the dark storm, no lessening of its crushing power. All I wanted was for it to end. To end now. But ... if it couldn't ... "Sky," I squeaked, "could you please - could I see what you see? Please, just for a moment? Could you show me how strong I am?" I could hear her smile. "Yes, little one, I can do that." For one moment - just a breath, but a breath that lasted long enough to soak into every inch of my bones - I could see myself through her eyes. The end truly was near. Winter had no power over me. The sun was shining, and the blossoms of spring abundantly covered every tree in crepe-paper baubles of pink and white, surrounding my body with a loving embrace of color and light. And I was not cowering - I was not a huddled ball of terror hiding from the power of an unbeatable storm. No - I was standing straight and tall, staring into the face of the eyeless, swirling form of the storm that stood toe-to-toe with me. It was no taller than me, no broader; it was just my size, and I could see through it - it was really only a breath after all. But even had the storm been as big as it felt, what I saw next would have chased the fear of its power from my heart. For surrounding me, on every side, behind me and beside me, lifting me up, were beings of light, as brilliant and strong as stars. They laid their hands on me, the sound of their prayers flowing like music that wrapped itself around me like armor. As I watched, coils of light entwined my wrists like bracers, my body like a breastplate, my legs like armor. And when I looked upward toward the blue clear sky, Someone I could not see handed me a gleaming Sword and a jewel-studded Shield. With a slow and powerful movement, I took both and advanced toward the shape of the storm. I opened my eyes and was snapped back to the present, the smothering, icy darkness once again filling the entire world around me, every bone in my body aching with the cold. As far as I could see, every tree was burdened with ice, the snow was drifted heavily over every inch of exposed ground, and every branch moaned and wailed in the screaming wind. But this time, I looked down at my hands, and I opened them. The runes carved in my palms and arms began to glow with a strong, hopeful white light. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my hands toward the sky; and the storm began to retreat before me, just a few inches, creating a tiny space of light and warm air surrounding my body. I was not strong enough to dispel it; but as I looked into the dome of light, I knew I was strong enough to survive it. A smile twitched across my face for the first time in what felt like years. "Thank you, Sky." "I am always with you, my friend. We're getting through this together."

Thank you both! ❤️ I finally wobbled out of bed after noon, and while I still feel like a steaming pile of dog poop, I'm at least upright. I haven't heard back from the doctor, and Eamon reminded me that a lot of specialists are only in the office a few days a week, so I may not hear anything from her right away. I did text back and forth with my therapist and I think her opinion is that this is likely not a result of the actual medicine, but rather, because a) I was so afraid of taking the antidepressants and b) I was anticipating getting nauseous from the antibiotics, I just had a regular old panic/anxiety attack cluster and can't conclusively blame the meds. I honestly think she's probably mostly right, especially since my body and brain have been through a lot with COVID and stress in the last few weeks; however, I also don't remember ever having panic attacks that intense before, so at the very least, some combination of variables hit me way harder than normal and I did not react well. Edit: A quick Google search shows that at least some people report similar reactions to this medication almost immediately, so while those folks aren't doctors and shouldn't be the basis for my medical decisions, at least anecdotally I'm not completely off my rocker. Today my goal is just to survive the day, and to get my nausea under control so I can take at least one dose of antibiotics (I have only been sipping liquids and taking very tiny nibbles of food so far today, not enough to comfortably take an antibiotic on). In that regard, at least, I feel better - much less coughing and congestion today. I'd like to continue that good progress. Time to go back to distracting myself. Love you guys. Thank you for walking through this with me!!

Well! The verdict on my first day of antidepressants is that my body really does not like this one. 🙃 About two hours after my first dose last night, I was slammed by a massive panic attack, and the entire night was spent vibrating in bed with extreme anxiety, my heart racing, shivering violently, trying not to throw up or hyperventilate. It's been 13 hours and I still feel about the same. 😭 It's apparently pretty common for this med to worsen anxiety before it gets better, but I emailed my doctor and therapist first thing this morning, because I actually don't think I can tolerate this for the four to six weeks. 😔 So thankfully I already had today off work, and I'm going to just try to survive the day while I wait for further instructions. To be continued ... 😓

DOUBLE WIN, GUYS, I TOOK THE FIRST PILL WITHOUT CHICKENING OUT AND I EVEN SWALLOWED IT WITHOUT CRUSHING IT I AM A BOSS LADY 💪🏻

Henlo frens! Happy Easter! ❤️ This stupid virus is certifiably a Stage-4 Clinger, and I'm still observably sick after 12 days of symptoms. I started to feel worse last night, so Eamon took me to the doctor this morning, and after a 4-hour fiasco (mostly just because places are much less staffed on holidays, which is totally understandable), I finally got both an antibiotic and my antidepressants. The good news is that the doctor said I'm no longer contagious, so while I still feel like garbage, I can at least safely go out of the house and be around people again. Even though I'm used to spending lots of time at home these last few years, it's still been really hard to not go to church, the office, the store, etc. It was nice to actually wander around CVS and look at hair products and makeup this afternoon, instead of just dashing in, snatching my medicines and running back out as fast as I could. Hopefully the antibiotic will help with these lingering yucky symptoms and I'll start feeling back to normal soon. And re: the antidepressants, I wrote out a list of things for Eamon to watch out for if they don't agree with me (thankfully I know how I act if I'm anxious, manic, or depressed / wanting to unalive myself, so it was easy to describe those behaviors for him), so I think I've done what I can to prep for my first dose tonight, and the rest is just - to take deep breaths and trust the process. I'm doing this so I can stop being so bound to the frenetic ups and downs of my anxiety, and start to have some mood stability to build my goals and habits on. Lots of good things are happening in my life and I'm doing this because I want to bring my healthy, happy self to them. And I'm trusting that my doctors and therapists know what they're doing and will help me get there. ❤️ Speaking of which, I found a house for sale yesterday that I really like; and while we're both still coughing too much to ask our realtor to take us for a tour, I'm praying hard that we might have a chance at buying it. It's just within our budget, located close to my office and our church, and has most of the things we're looking for. I'll definitely let you know if we get to see it and how it goes! Time to go put some bacon in the oven and choke down some delicious, delicious liquid antibiotics. Feel free to poke me if I don't check in, but I will post in the next couple days to share how I'm doing! Love you guys!!

Oh! That was my other update - soon I'll be well enough to drive across the river and go get my meds and start them; and in my present Sick State that feels Terrible and Scary and Threatening. So yesterday and today I've been gently reminding myself that the things I'm scared of - that I'll feel weird and not like myself, that they'll make me physically sick, that I will have a bad reaction and not be able to work - may not come true at all. And it's just as okay to hope and prepare for good things as for bad. Maybe they'll work quickly and well, I'll have no physical side effects, and I'll start to recover my emotional and physical energy so I can do things I love again. ❤️

Henlo frens! It's been a looooong few days and I am totally drained, physically and mentally. My fever came back for a couple days after getting Eamon situated on his medicines, and only let up for good on Monday. By today, I'm mostly just dealing with a burning sensation in my sinuses and chest and a hard, dry cough - but the real struggle is the fatigue. I feel like I could sleep for a week and it wouldn't be enough. I'm not winded - my oxygen is fine - but it's the first time I've experienced the "I just get up to walk across the room and load the dishwasher and I'm exhausted" kind of fatigue. It's really frustrating and depressing. 😕 That said, we really are on the mend. I often get very depressed for a couple days at the end of a severe virus, and that started to set in today - I feel emotionally flat but also sad, discouraged, and irritated, which is a lovely combination. I even argued with Eamon and my friend Amethyst over petty things, which is really rare. So I kinda just feel overall yucky still, and I'm eager to get through the next few days and keep feeling better. And I'm also trying to remind myself that life really is A LOT right now and it's very legit to be feeling overwhelmed, especially since I'm so sick and tired. ❤️ Not much to report besides that, but I'll hopefully be able to start moving again soon! ❤️

I think it is the truest to the book! And the casting is *chef's kiss*! What I love about the 2005 version is a) absolutely the soundtrack, and b) you can actually watch it in one sitting. I love the detail in their costume design too!

Hey Whisper! I don't think I've ever followed one of your challenges before, so *waves hi*! Also, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, it sounds super frustrating. Hopefully you get a chance to take care of yourself and get good rest this weekend. ❤️

Honestly this is why we gave up halfway through Season 2 - it was not only visually dark (dark colors and low lighting), but it just felt like Everything Was Bad and it wasn't getting better. I heard that the season wrapped up really good and we might try it again, but I am not a huge fan of how the whole show is a lot darker, sadder, grimmer, etc. than TNG. Really sorry you had A Day and I'm sorry you won't get to resolve it till Monday. I pray that you'll get a fresh dose of grace and peace to ease you through the rest of the weekend.

dragging carcass back to my thread to weakly wave hello Hey friends! Things are looking up a tiny bit; last night Eamon's lungs took a turn for the worse, and we tried to find an all-night urgent care to go to (can now check off "driving through the rain on the highway at 3AM" to my list of driving accomplishments ), but they turned us away because we weren't members in their system; so we tried again this morning, got him some medicine to ease his breathing, and are now resting and tired and slooooooowly starting to feel a little better. Not much to report besides that. Main focus is on getting well - my fever subsided for a while last night / this morning (which I'm thanking God for, since it allowed me to have the energy I needed to drive Eamon to the doctor and pharmacy), but it ticked back up a little this afternoon, so I took a nap and then splurged on Dunkin iced coffee from Uber Eats. I need to get some vegetables in, so I think we'll probably heat up frozen chicken-and-veg dumplings for dinner, and I'm hoping to persuade Eamon to start watching Pride and Prejudice with me later to wind down. For my fellow Austen fans, do you have a favorite version of that story? Love y'all - will try to pop over to your threads this evening while I rest!

Thank you, mellon nin! Not much change today, but I've started getting the sweats that Eamon got right before his fever broke, so fingers crossed I'll be on the other side of that soon! ❤️ I ... really, really needed that, Rho, thank you. ❤️ THANK YOU SHAAR!! I have no soup in the house but I'm adding that to my next grocery order, because that sounds like just the thing! ❤️ That's ... honestly kind of a jarring thought?? 😮 I'm going to have to sit with that one a bit. The part of me that is represented by the Dark Elf is the part that's terrified of change, especially changing myself - so knowing that's the part that possibly will change, is fascinating. Thank you for the suggestion. Thank you, Whisper - it really is a lot of things all at once, and I appreciate being reminded of that, so I don't feel bad if I get a little overwhelmed by it all.

I LITERALLY CANNOT HAVE THESE IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I DEVOUR THE WHOLE THING THEY ARE MY DELICIOUS KRYPTONITE

I do this all the time! I've honestly come to enjoy browsing Netflix and watching previews almost as much as watching an actual show. 😁 I looooooove this idea!! We have a big studio near our apartment, where artists rent out space and guests can come wander through and watch them work. Almost all the artists sell work to the people who are browsing and shopping. It's great fun! 😁 I hope something like that works out for you!! Love you and proud of you always! 🥳

Hello friends! If you hear a loud clicking noise, don't be alarmed, that's just my teeth chattering with COVID chills. 🥶🥵🥶🥵 I started getting a sore throat last night after I posted, and deteriorated over the course of the day till I was mostly zoned out from fever even with Tylenol and Advil in my system. 😔 The meds are finally doing their work and I'm resting in bed with a cold washcloth on my head, mostly confident of where I am and what my name is. 😝 Had another therapy appointment with my regular therapist this morning; she encouraged me to transition full time to phobia therapy, and gently said today was our last session. That was unexpected and a little sad - she's been a great therapist and I'll miss her. 😔 But on the plus side, my antidepressant prescription is stuck at a pharmacy across the river, where I can't go get it till I'm out of quarantine; so at least I can pause and get well before then possibly feeling weird from antidepressants. 🙏🏻 I tried to work today and it didn't go great, so since I'm much worse tonight, I'll probably have to take tomorrow off. That means my coworkers will have to cover some stuff for me, which I feel guilty about, but I would do the same for them if they were sick, so I'm trying to let that go. 🙃 That's why we're a team and not just one person. Brain is now empty of thoughts and I'm going to go read and rest. 😪 Thank you for your sweet encouragement, as always!! 💕

HAHAHAHAHAHA OKAY Y'ALL NONE OF THAT WENT HOW I EXPECTED AT ALL Sooooooo the recap version is: My car battery died during my first appointment, meaning it was super hot inside my car throughout both appointments, meaning my phone overheated and shut itself down so I missed half the therapy appointment ... plus I was late for the therapy appointment because of the medication appointment and almost got written up because the secretary didn't pass along my message that I'd be late ... PLUS the phobia therapist was much more excited to talk about pregnancy and show me photos of her kids and share horror stories about the stomach viruses they get, than she was to actually talk about how to treat my phobia ... PLUS the car battery was so corroded when the roadside tech arrived that I had to go to AutoZone and get a new battery installed before I could drive home. And to top it all off, I was supposed to start my medication tonight, but the psychiatrist's prescription didn't go through. 🙃 So ... the net result for the day was ... a new car battery. And a splitting headache. Honestly, everything's fine. The prescription will come through (and of course, I didn't want to start it tonight anyway, because I don't want to start it at all, I'm only doing it because I need it); I'll figure out if the phobia therapist is worth trying again; and honestly my attitude about the whole thing was remarkably calm because I had a lovely devotion/meditation this morning that centered me perfectly for a crazy day. ❤️ I'm glad I went and didn't put it off, even if it didn't go AT ALL like I expected. I came home and rehydrated (I didn't bring water with me and it was very hot in the car), and ordered pizza, because Eamon is still pretty seriously sick and neither of us felt like cooking. ❤️ His lungs aren't doing so hot and we're still monitoring him closely. Breathing steam, etc. are helping a bit, and his fever seems to be gone, so fingers crossed he'll heal up fast. ❤️ ... that's all I got, my head is aching and I'm going to go get pajamas on. THANK YOU!!! SO MUCH!!! for your lovely words of encouragement on the way in - I knew you were with me and it made a WORLD of difference!!

I confess I was really hoping to be sick enough to cancel my appointments today, but ... alas, I am not. 😝 Jumping in the car now, my heart going 2000 bpm and filled with dread - but I'm Ranger and I am courageous, dang it!!

Thank you Rho! I'm so good at preparing for the worst-case scenario that I usually forget to prepare for the best. I feel like I ought to write that down somewhere. Right?? The storm of anxiety feels so big that surely a little nap won't help - but lo and behold, my brain is still a body part and it still benefits from taking a break. Welllllll soooooo ....... unexpectedly and also unsurprisingly, Eamon does not have bronchitis. We've had COVID three or four times and this is the first time we've actually had a positive at-home test. We totally thought it was bad allergies or an upper respiratory infection, and were totally blindsided by the positive test; but as the day's gone on I recognize the lethargy, brain fog, and low-grade chills. Eamon has more severe, classic symptoms and feels pretty horrible, so we're keeping a close eye on his fever and lungs and I'm still standing by to take him to urgent care or the ER if needed. What a mess. And of course, my appointments are tomorrow and I'm sick. I didn't reschedule them yet - since they're both telehealth appointments, all I need to do is be well enough (or medicated enough) to drive across the state line (to where they're both licensed), sit in a parking lot somewhere and do the appointments, and then come home. If I wake up tomorrow feeling much worse, I can still reschedule and eat the late fees; but ... if I miss these, that means I'll have to go even longer psyching myself out and having to work up the courage to go again. So I'm going to do my very best to make it, unless I'm too feverish or woozy to drive. But ... yeah, it's still never dull. Maybe it's a blessing - I'll be focused on feeling like crap and so maybe won't be quite so freaked out by the appointment. A blessing in disguise? 🤷‍♀️ No exercise today because I mostly wanted to either sleep or stare at a wall, lol. I did eat some veggies and fruit juice, and I accepted my boss's offer to sign off early and rest instead of pushing myself to get to the end of the workday. ❤️ And outside of health, we have a tour scheduled for one of the houses we're interested in (after we're well, obviously), and lots of nice things are happening in my larger friend and family circle, which feels nice after a pretty stressful period lately. Time to go chill with some crochet or online shopping, and take my evening Advil in hopes of better sleep. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!!

Thank you for sharing here instead of keeping your pain bottled up, Sal - I'm so sorry you're feeling unseen and unheard in your struggles, and I wish there were some way to release some of the pressure somewhere. ❤️ There's no easy answer or fix. Please get sleep as much as you can - it's not a solution, but it at least helps your brain recalibrate. ❤️

You are going through A Lot right now and I'm so proud of you. And everything is Very Unfair and Not Right and I would like to administer some percussive justice in several of these situations. 😡 All of the feelings you're having make perfect sense with how much you're carrying in each of these situations. I don't know how much flex you have to actually take time off work or anything, but it's also okay to take a little break from the "I need to eat, I need to work, I need to sleep, I need to ..." self-talk as well. If it would help you feel better to zone out on your phone for an hour, that's also okay. You're working so hard and doing so great. ❤️ Love you, mellon nin!

Today the anxiety is really setting in and I'm getting really nervous about my appointments ... and while I'm tempted to be embarrassed or downplay those feelings, I'm not going to. ❤️ Starting a new medication is scary, especially when you've never taken it before and don't know how it might affect you. Not to mention, when there are so many horror stories about terrible side effects, taking ages to find the right medication, etc. So, I'm trying to be kind to myself, like I would to a friend. ❤️ I've felt the anxiety in my throat, chest and stomach for a few days now, but today when the thoughts started to intensify and I knew I was at risk of spiraling, I took my therapist's advice and closed my eyes to doze for five minutes. It ... actually did help stop the spiral. Amazing that she might know what she's talking about. I should have exercised today, but work was busy and I didn't stop to take a break, so I'll try to stretch before bed and then hopefully get a walk tomorrow. I also need to go to the store for some veggies because we're mostly out and I had no veg at all today. But on the flip side, we found a couple of promising houses in our search today, and I'm also daydreaming about what kinds of projects I'd like to do in a new house, and how I can apply some of those ideas to our current space (plants, lights, wall decor, etc.). Because while moving to a larger place would be exciting, I also love our little newlywed apartment very much and I'm going to miss it when we do move. I want to keep loving it well and enjoying it while we're here. Not much more to report - Eamon is sick with bronchitis or a sinus infection or something, so tonight and tomorrow I'll be standing by to take him to the doctor if need be. 😕 I'm not feeling the best either. And our sink backed up this evening, so hopefully our quick fix will be okay for now. It's never dull, is it? 😜 Love you guys!! ❤️

HUGS I'm sooooo proud of you!! Starting with a new therapist IS scary and I'm so proud of you for pushing through the feelings of fear. ❤️ I hope it helps and you start to feel a little more like yourself very soon! And the bedtime alarm ... does and doesn't help. Meaning, when I lived by myself and used a bedtime alarm, I just snoozed or turned off the alarm and went to bed whenever I pleased. But my husband is much more strict about his bedtime and rising time, so when the alarm goes off, he really does drop whatever he's doing and get up and go to bed. (I can only dream of this level of self-discipline.) So ... the combination of a bedtime alarm and a conscientious husband works. The bedtime alarm alone does not work for me. Do with that information what you will!

HAI SHAAAAAAAAAR I'M SUPER LATE BUT I'M FOLLOWING, YOU'RE AWESOME AND AMAZING AS ALWAYS

Rho!!! I'm super late following but so glad to follow - I'm glad you're feeling a bit better! ❤️ (And I'm loving these Instant Pot recipes too - I desperately need to start cooking again instead of relying on so much takeout, and I'm feeling inspired!)

Dude, I am so thankful that Little Bit is going to grow up knowing periods are normal and something that's okay to talk about. This is huge. ❤️