Wobbegong

The degree of exhaustion I feel from working on emotional health seems disproportionately large compared to the progress I make. Whenever I start one of these endeavors, it's like opening the floodgates. In my regular day to day life, I tend to coast along with a very low degree of emotional output. I don't experience high degrees of happiness, excitability, pleasure, or engagement, but I also don't experience high degrees of sadness, loneliness, anger, disappointment, or fear. I just kind of exist. My last therapist (before I moved to Japan) diagnosed me with dysthymia, also known as "persistent depressive disorder," a form of uninterrupted long-term but (usually) mild depression. The way she described it was, if you plot your emotions on a graph with "positive" emotional experiences plotted higher on the y axis and "negative" ones lower, with the average person's baseline at 0, I feel the same emotions, my baseline is simply lower. So I don't reach the same highs with positive emotions, and my negative emotions can create much deeper troughs. At the time, that felt right, but recently it's felt like I just don't have much amplitude at all. I have no idea if my baseline is lower than other people's or basically normal, but all of my reactions have been muted. In physical terms, I react approximately normally, but emotional responses always feel largely performative. I've been going through the motions, but not really feeling the feels. But right now, after a week or so of trying to examine myself, suss out the problems, research, find potential solutions, reach out to get help and support, engage more often and more deeply with people, and even just practice acknowledging that I'm not ok, I don't feel "muted" anymore. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, but it's the one in the bank in Harry Potter, and it just twists and turns its way down, down, down. Around every jaw-clenching corner is a new dose of Loneliness! Sadness! Frustration! Anguish! Fear! and I just don't know how to manage all of this at once except by shutting down again to get away. Like I'm a faucet in an old house, and I was rusted shut but leaking just a slow, steady drip, and then some amateur renovator came in and snapped the handle off to get water flowing again, and now the only options are "flood the bathroom" or "shut off the water at the main."

Oh no! That's terrible, that's way too pricey for that kind of damage. Definitely leave a bad review. Grr face goes grr 😠 Potato and cabbage with bacon and breakfast sausage in cream sauce. Pretty heavy fare for summer but I had everything on hand for it and needed to use the ground meat, so I just rolled with it. Ate way too much of it though. Gotcha! Well good luck with your meal planning, then. I tend to brainstorm meal plans and then forget all about them... 😕 Not sure where the disconnect is. But I eat pretty well most of the time so I don't worry about it too much.

This is kind of what I assumed she would've gone through in the major. That's why it was so surprising to me that she had such a strong reaction! I was expecting a groan or just a blank stare but her reaction was more along the lines of Flash the DMV sloth after Nick delivers the punchline of the three-humped camel joke. Not the slow laugh, but just the facial expression as the joke sinks in. She was nearing the end of her second year in the program when I said that, how could she possibly never have heard it before?! But apparently she hadn't.

Ok so I know I have NO GROUND to stand on here at all but what do you do with a Classics major? What was your plan for it when you were in college? My friend ended up going into the music industry. I took that terrible "study what you love" advice and have only just barely been able to get any professional use out of my major.

Challenge check in 8/7: Nutrition: Went to the grocery store and didn't buy my problem food, so all good here. I had grocery store sushi for lunch and a bastard version of colcannon for dinner. Activity: Got my steps and my activity hours but no stretching or workout. Also picked up a sunburn for my troubles. Grr. Clean: Took out the trash, cleaned the kitchen sink, and cleared out the dry rack. All set to do dishes tomorrow! And maybe a load of laundry. Big ticket item is clearing off the kitchen table but I'm gonna have to work up to that. There isn't a good place for a lot of things currently resting there. Identity/Self-Worth: No list today. I thought about one ("Favorite video and board games as a child") but even with two categories combined and going well into high school I could barely get to five. Thinking about it made me very anxious so I stopped. Personal Chronology: Largest chunks of time today were spent sleeping, walking, playing Animal Crossing, and watching Hannibal. I could probably stand to list out the times but I don't want to. Facebook chose today to remind me of that terrible drama with my suicidal neighbor from a few years ago (I think I posted about it here at the time). I'm mostly over it now, but that could be a good "negative life experience" to sort through anyway. Maybe tomorrow.

When I was in college one of my best friends was majoring in Classics (I have no idea), and as part of the major the students had to study either Latin or Ancient Greek. She chose Greek. I was a Japanese major, so we talked about our foreign language woes sometimes, and one time after she explained some obnoxious complicated thing about Ancient Greek I replied, "It's all Greek to me." I have never seen anyone so delighted by such truly terrible wordplay in my life. I said it on the assumption that she had heard it a hundred times before, but apparently I was the first! Anyway, now whenever anyone mentions Greek in the context of "things I don't understand" I always think of her face in that moment. Also wouldn't the surface area of the inside of a hollow cylinder use exactly the same formula as the surface area of the outside of the cylinder? You would just adjust down on the radius to account for the thickness of the cylinder itself. Pretty sure I could do that one. I do not remember the one for volume of a pyramid though, I would have to ask Guguru-sensei for that. ...Gosh, I hope accountants aren't expected to know geometry. That would be a problem.

I can tread water for way longer than anyone else I know (boredom, rather than fatigue, is usually the deciding factor) but I am definitely not a fast swimmer. I was able to get through the SCUBA test, which did include a timed distance swim, but it was a near thing. I never liked racing other kids in the pool when I was growing up, either. But I definitely love the water. Good luck with your riding boots! I hope you can get them fixed or replaced cheaply (or for free)! Riding gear is expensive, it should definitely be built to last more than one or two years. Regarding meal planning, I keep meaning to make some kind of "basics chooser" setup, with like... I dunno, cards with simple recipes on them? I could have them separated into sides/proteins/one pot meals/etc and just pull one or two out at random as needed. There aren't a lot of fresh ingredients I always have on hand, because I usually only buy stuff like that when I have something in mind to make with it, but I always have broccoli, peas, and riced cauliflower in the freezer and I always have eggs, some kind of cured meat, a tube of bologna, and an assortment of cheese and liquid dairy things in the fridge. Plus dry goods in the pantry. I guess even without cards I can usually come up with something to throw together, but it would be nice sometimes to not have to think about it. Then again, I also sometimes get frustrated by wanting a dish that I consider to be "out of season" (even if all the ingredients are available year-round) and then I feel like even though I have an idea for something I can't make it. Or I make it anyway (happened tonight) and just feel kind of weird about it. Anyway! I'm sure the staples you keep on hand are different from mine, but I bet you could come up with at least a couple things you can make from what you've got in stock already. If you put in the effort when you're not hungry, it might be easier to make those decisions when the time comes.

That actually brings up another interesting contrast between Japan and China historically in terms of the relationship of the general population with their rulers. If I recall my studies correctly, in China, emperors were thought to be chosen by the gods -- which meant the gods could just as easily turn their favor elsewhere. The people have often been able to say, "Listen, this is not working out, seems like maybe your time in the chair is up." But more recently -- that is to say, certainly since Chairman Cat -- there seems to have been a shift in power that favors the government much more strongly, so it tends to be in people's best interest to at least appear obedient. This hasn't changed the culture of questioning leadership, though -- it just forces the discontent to get creative. In Japan, by contrast, the royal line is thought to be the literal descendants of the gods, practically divine beings themselves. You can't change blood. There have been times when a warlord, rather than the emperor, was in power, but the Emperor and his family always existed. The imperial line (and frankly just about everyone else, but that's a different issue) can trace their ancestry unbroken right back to the point when writing was imported from China. Of course, setting aside the whole divine ancestry thing, it's unlikely that there was NEVER an instance of infidelity, and the earliest records of the Japanese monarchy are 100% propaganda (one of the main ones is a record of what had until that point been an oral history, and it's very obvious that they forgot the names of a bunch of emperors and just filled in random nonsense there to flush that section out). Still, the overall setup is pretty drastically different from what was going on right over on the mainland.

I got sunburned on my walk this morning. So much for "it was nice to get some fresh air and sunshine." mumble grumble I hate summer murrr

Yeah, it's probably among the best problems to have, but... 😬 I honestly don't know if it's worse for my self-confidence to be expected to be able to do something and not be able to do it or to never be expected to do anything and feel like I'm just wasting my time and effort. This morning I had to get dressed to take the trash out so I figured I might as well go for a walk until the grocery store opened. I played a little Pokemon Go while I was out, too -- for the first time in over a year! Jeeze. Also saw a loooot of tourists heading to the ocean wading areas and public pools. I can understand their perspective and desire to come vacation out here, and I know the local businesses need the revenue, but it's a little frustrating, too. We're getting daily announcements from the town government reminding us that there are outbreaks of COVID19 basically all across the base of the peninsula, so we should take extra precautions and not leave unless we have to. But it's fine for people from places like Tokyo to come here? I don't get it. I keep hoping for another quarantine, but I don't really expect one. Our cases are at least four times higher now than they were in March when we initially closed all the schools, but no one wants to be on lockdown again, so politicians seem to see suggesting it as a bad move for their careers. I am less than impressed.

I remember mine only because it was an absolutely gorgeous day (unusual in the Pacific Northwest) so everyone was in their fancy garden party attire under their robes, and then as soon as the summa cum laude started her speech the wind picked up and suddenly there was a deluge of hail followed by buckets and buckets of rain and we all had to be evacuated to the gym. As for the ceremony itself, all I remember is being soaking wet and freezing cold. But I am sorry that you feel like you've missed out on an experience, Bean. I know how hard you worked for that degree and you did not deserve anything less than a fulfilling climax for the experience. If it makes you feel any better, I also got my diploma in the mail a few weeks after graduation... I think that's normal, pandemic or not, because some students grades aren't out yet so they walk and then have to take another semester of classes or something. Sucks that it hit you like this, though.

I agree, I think the word Aθena initially used was "obedient" and that's what got us both going 🤨 But I think with the clarification we can all agree. For the record, it's true that there's more of a social history of everyone pulling together for the common good in many Asian cultures including China, but these days I think the average Chinese citizen is at most paying lip service to obedience. I'm not an expert but from what I do know it seems largely performative, for the sake of surviving the government; and meanwhile a strong counter-culture of underground disobedience is also operating to allow people to thrive in spite of the government. People there work together to help keep things going smoothly because they have no other options, not because they really believe in the cause. Japanese people are a lot more what I'd think of as "obedient." In Japan people act for one of three reasons: 1. someone who outranks them told them to; 2. their peers shamed them into it; 3. they feel responsible for modelling "good" behavior to those they outrank. (Even pursuing hobbies and personal interests falls into one or more of these categories.) I see the greatest resistance to (1) among my oldest students, which makes sense since they're teenagers, but even they wouldn't dare go against (2) or (3). Outside that demographic, pretty much everyone I interact with has fallen in line. In Japan, that's the biggest source of bureaucratic stalemates: no one ever wants to act because they don't want responsibility for the decision in case it goes against the preference of someone higher up, and they don't want their peers to make fun of them for making a mistake if they get it wrong, and they don't want to accidentally indicate to someone below them that not following the rules is ever ok! I think that's what WhiteGhost and I were thinking of when we both went "...Japan?"

Haha yeah it's definitely a lot more commonly triggered when people speak to me in really fast Japanese using a lot of words I don't know. When I first came to Japan, pretty much all Japanese was too fast and too many words I didn't know, and I was completely exhausted at the end of every day just from trying to get through conversations. I developed my Japanese skills, but I needed a quicker fix, so I learned to focus on tone and body language and just agree or offer sympathy to everything depending on the context. So I think now when people catch me off-guard with high level Japanese I just revert to that. "I have no idea what you just said so I'm just gonna smile and nod. :)" (Meanwhile the teacher is asking me to pronounce a list of words for the kids, so smiling and nodding is not super helpful XD) One teacher in particular is the worst at this. I think the issue is that she's really smart and has no idea that I'm just not occupying the same level as she is. Other teachers will ask me to do things using really basic phrasing like, "Read the words in English twice. The children will repeat." She tends to ignore me until she needs me and then suddenly will hit me with a really fast "Now can you please pronounce this list of [specific word for theme of vocab, like "stationery" or "summer vacation activities" or "occupations"] carefully so that the students can get a better understanding of how to say them?" On the one hand I appreciate that she speaks to me like an adult because it means she probably sees me as being competent, and that's good! But on the other please dumb it down for me T_T

Hey Luxia, welcome back to NF! I feel this, I'm currently in the middle of a respawn challenge myself. If it's been a long time, you're welcome to start again at the Lv1 Guild for your first challenge back. Here's a handy group of links for more info about challenges if you want a refresher, but I'm afraid I haven't been through it recently myself, so I'm not sure if anything there is out of date. Hazard, the Guild Leader for the Lv1 Guild, has a more streamlined alternative up that may also be of help. He's been really on it at coaching newcomers to make clear, achievable goals. Everyone here is really friendly, so feel free to reach out to anyone if you have any questions. You probably know all of this already, but you can tag people in threads using the @ symbol and their name (@Wobbegong) or send private messages by hovering your cursor over a user name or icon and then clicking "Message" in the popup that appears. You can also send messages through the message center, by clicking the envelope icon next to notifications. I look forward to seeing you around!

Hey Epsilonte, welcome to Nerd Fitness. Pole dancing sounds like such fun, I'd love to try it someday! You've already got a first post up, so you've probably already read the Forum Rules, but if not I'd give them a quick review. There's nothing there that's really out of the ordinary. It sounds like you'll fit in really well at the Assassin's Guild, but if you're interested, you can find an overview of all the guilds here. You'll be starting your first 5 Week Challenge in the Lv1 Guild, but it doesn't hurt to be familiar with the other guilds. Here's a handy group of links for more info about challenges, but I'm afraid I haven't been through it recently myself, so I'm not sure if anything there is out of date. Hazard, the Guild Leader for the Lv1 Guild, has a more streamlined alternative up that may also be of help. Everyone here is really friendly, so feel free to reach out to anyone if you have any questions. You can tag people in threads using the @ symbol and their name (@Wobbegong) or send private messages by hovering your cursor over a user name or icon and then clicking "Message" in the popup that appears. You can also send messages through the message center, by clicking the envelope icon next to notifications. I look forward to seeing you around!

I guess that's reasonable. Identity/Self-Worth List 8/6 - We will start with an easy category today, "favorite colors." 24 Hours 8/6

Four goals is just a guideline. Some people do more, some people do less -- what's most important is setting yourself up for success. If you force yourself to bite off more than you can chew just to comply with the guidelines, and then end up having a less than stellar performance, did you fail or did the guidelines fail you? It sounds to me like you're doing plenty. Your goals look great! And if you get extra stuff done as well, so much the better, right?

That's so sad! Deceptive fruit mold! How's the patience going? You staying strong?

Hey Little Fox, welcome to Nerd Fitness. Glad to hear you've got some new shoes and are ready to get back out there! You'll find no shortage of cheerleaders here, hairy and otherwise. You've already got a first post up, so you've probably already read the Forum Rules, but if not I'd give them a quick review. There's nothing there that's really out of the ordinary. I see you're already looking pretty set up with your Adventurer's Guild pin, but if you're interested, you can find an overview of the guilds here. You'll be starting your first 5 Week Challenge in the Lv1 Guild, but it doesn't hurt to be familiar with the other guilds. Here's a handy group of links for more info about challenges, but I'm afraid I haven't been through it recently myself, so I'm not sure if anything there is out of date. Hazard, the Guild Leader for the Lv1 Guild, has a more streamlined alternative up that may also be of help. Everyone here is really friendly, so feel free to reach out to anyone if you have any questions. You can tag people in threads using the @ symbol and their name (@Wobbegong) or send private messages by hovering your cursor over a user name or icon and then clicking "Message" in the popup that appears. You can also send messages through the message center, by clicking the envelope icon next to notifications. I look forward to seeing you around!

Ok, I've done some reflecting and here's what I'm gonna do for this mental health challenge. First up, divide and conquer! We got two parts to this thing, working directly to address identified issues and supporting that work by managing the day to day stuff a little better so I have some extra bandwidth. So on the 'support/management' end I've got just the very basics, food/move/clean -- I'm gonna set aside all the other things that contribute to healthy and happy thriving Wobbegong because right now I just have no base to build on for them. Stuff like being creative, reading for pleasure, learning new things, meditating, etc -- I'm not currently in the habit of doing any of them, so adding them in all at once is just a recipe for failure. On the 'addressing mental health issues directly' side, we've got three aspects that all kind of go hand in hand: "boundaries," "identity/self-worth," and "personal chronology." I don't really know how to practice boundaries (maybe an exercise about reflecting on past instances wherein things didn't go so great and thinking about how I could have behaved differently?) so for now I'm gonna focus on the other two. All of this adds up for the following challenge: Nutrition: Actually pretty good on this one already. Just a lingering issue with overeating certain comfort foods, easily circumvented by not buying those. I will allow myself only one more this challenge. Activity: Move every day. Ideally this looks like a resistance band workout and hitting my steps, but at minimum five minutes of stretching. Even that much makes a big difference. Clean: Do one thing from the cleaning list every day. Reach goal: do two things. Identity/Self-Worth: Pick a category and make a list of 5-7 things from that category. If there's associated shame, reflect on the source. No more than one list per day and no fewer than two per week. Personal Chronology: Up to once per day and not less than twice per week, spend five minutes writing down the events of the past 24 hours in chronological order. Once per week, pick one difficult life experience and write down everything I remember about it. Then try to get memories into chronological order. I'll post my lists here for accountability, but they'll all go under spoilers, and if there's any potentially triggering content I'll tag them. I'm not sure about the difficult life experiences one -- my instinct is that posting that stuff falls somewhere in a realm between attention-seeking and complaining, both things I despise myself for engaging in, but this is a mental health challenge so maybe it's ok. Feel free to weigh in. The cleaning list from goal 3: Wash one load of laundry Wash one load of dishes Clear out the dry rack Clean the kitchen table Vacuum one room Clean the toilet Clean the sink/bath/shower Take out the trash/recycling All very easy things! But also all things that can quickly become gross and stressful if I don't stay on top of them. Deep breath in and here we go!

Sometimes I get so tired and done with things that my brain just gives up on language and goes offline. I stand there in the middle of class and the teacher says words at me in Japanese and it's like the teacher from the Peanuts. They try again in English and it's no better. I can usually reboot pretty quickly but in those moments it really does feel like... I dunno, lucid sleepwalking?! Exhaustion lol. It's weird.

I think you mean Japan for this one There is a very famous Chinese proverb which says 上面有政策，下面有对策 (ShangMian YouZhengCe, XiaMian YouDuiCe) which essentially means "for every government policy, there is an equal and opposite workaround" Corona is a great example of this. Chinese front line healthcare workers: "We live under an oppressive government that would prefer not to acknowledge any issues, but this is a serious problem, so let's make some noise about it. People need to know." Japanese front line healthcare workers: "I mean, I wouldn't want to bring shame on my employer by mentioning there are sick people in a hospital. Sick people are impure, after all. Honestly, it would be better if they didn't come to the hospital at all. You know what? Yeah, let's do that. If no sick people come to the hospital, there won't be any sick people to test, and then we can support the government line that Japanese people are too clean to get Corona. Just tell them to gargle, they'll be fine."

You win some, you lose some. I'm glad to hear your jumping practice is going well! It's so cool that you're confronting your fear head on and challenging yourself to go outside your comfort zone. You're amazing!

Thank you all. I think you're all... absolutely right. In some ways, I think part of the problem is that most people aren't kind enough (too friendly with that salt shaker), so people who are isolated or in need of more socialization than they're getting latch on much harder to those of us who don't push them away firmly from the start. Kind of an "if you give an inch, they'll take a mile" situation, except they're taking a mile because they need a mile, and if everyone gave an inch it wouldn't be such a burden. But I can't change other people or society in general, I can only change myself. This is dead on. Sometimes I think that immersing myself in Japanese society in particular was perhaps the worst society I could possibly have chosen for myself personally with my specific set of issues. But I'm trying to look on the bright side, too: if I can figure out how to manage those issues here, I can do it anywhere, right? That makes sense, but I'm more looking to change my mindset than to change my behaviors. If I can learn to value my default kindness (or, my kind nature, as you put it) more appropriately, then I should be able to learn both to value what I'm already doing for my chosen social connections and defend myself better against those who might otherwise take advantage. Thanks. Yeah, socializing in person is really tough! It's definitely not so easy to make those connections. If corona wasn't an issue, my biggest wish would be for a gym in town. I would love to befriend the lift bros and develop that kind of community, and it's active and a thing that kind of requires assistance (spotting) which would be a good challenge for me, but doesn't rely too heavily on language skills. I've heard of a few foreigners, especially women, who have had great luck getting adopted by the weightlifters at their local gyms. Alas, there is no gym here, and if there was I wouldn't be able to go there under the current circumstances anyway. 🙃

Now that's how I like to be greeted when I walk into a room! Actually I would probably find it really awkward if someone greeted me like that in person, but I certainly appreciate your exuberance online. It's really good to see you. Thank you ❤️ You're absolutely right, that's exactly the kind of thing I would say to you (and probably have said), so thank you for reminding me. It's so easy to be encouraging to other people, but I'm not as good at cutting myself the same slack. Thank you for the reminder and the perspective, I really needed it. I love to have you any time and I will also try to pop into your thread when I can. Sometimes it's easier to visit and be sociable, and sometimes it's not so easy, so NO PRESSURE. I will absolutely let you know if I make any progress on the staying power thing... if you'll do the same for me. Deal?