it's been a while since I was doing a challenge and even longer since I finished one.
For those who don't know me: I am a 27 years old female from Germany. I am doing an apprenticeship in a company I hate.
Three weeks ago I couldn't go on anymore. I couldn't stand against all this harassment and mobbing anymore. For a whole week, I was crying as soon as I came home. I forbid myself to cry in my company. I had sometimes panic attacks, even on weekend. My problem is, that I do a lot of mistakes, my supervisor got always angry about this, and my fear of doing anything wrong lead to more mistakes. For one and a half year I told myself to go on, to learn, to become better but it just got worse.
"Explain to me why you can't do this! Anybody else has no problems! Okay if you don't have anything to say go away and btw you won't write any invoice anymore".
When I explain, the reaction is: "Do you even listen to what you are talking? Do you even believe that?"
When I was telephoning they were listening and criticising what I was saying, how I was saying it, how long I was talking...
When I made the entry in PC about the telephone call: "You got a typing mistake there! I can't check each entry you make!" Maybe start to check your own entries! (Ofc I wasn't saying that)
When I was typing longer on PC: "What are you doing there? Why you need so long? Can you do that later, I need to concentrate!" Meanwhile, radio with songs from 80ths and 90ths was playing. Torture for me.
My mom told me to go to a doctor and stay a week home. I was too afraid to go. After one week crying daily and calling my mom daily, I felt like she was annoyed by me so I stopped calling her. So she asked worried if everything was okay. Of course, it wasn't. She finally talked with our doctor at home and told me to come home.
And the doctor sent me to a psychologist. In two weeks I will start a therapy. So I can learn to deal with other people and with conflicts. I was hesitant to agree to the therapy, but when my mom said I should do that I agreed. If my mom wasn't there I wouldn't know what to do at all.
In the two weeks home I established a routine: going out regularly with my dog, learning for school, learning Japanese, learning Croatian, sitting in the garden and reading books. It worked pretty well and I felt really relaxed. Then my grandpa suddenly died. Since two years he was like a little child because of dementia. His health was also not the best. There were phases when he was just lying in bed and then he recovered and was walking around again. His death hit my whole family really hard. They all were around for the last two years, helping where they could. One week before his death he was walking around still. The only consolation is that he died without pain and at home as he always wished.
On weekend was the funeral. I was there despite having a cold and a high temperature. I said goodbye. And now I want to go on. I enjoy life. I love life.