Akari

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About Akari

  • Rank
    Revolter
  • Birthday 12/27/90

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  • Location
    Germany

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  • Class
    rebel

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  1. Akari restarts

    It's been a while since I wrote. Last week I kinda did nothing of what I should have done. I was just distracting myself. On Monday started the therapy. I'm going on each weekday. I'm in a group of patients which have different kinds of fears, like the fear from death, the fear to go to the city where her work was, the fear to buy groceries. I was surprised at how friendly they were, how easily they accepted me. One Nurse told me in a one-on-one conversation that I appear to be repellant and that I block others. But I am just cautious and listen first before I start a conversation in a new group. First I doubted their therapy a bit. I wanted to start right away. I wanted to talk to someone and I wanted to hear something on what I can work. But I noticed that for some patients even the smallest step is really difficult. For some just sitting among a group of friendly people is really difficult. And some break down easily. There is a girl for example which started crying after a nurse said to hear: Stop smiling. I know you aren't happy. Stop trying to convince the world that everything is alright. In the therapy, they slowly convince the people to face their biggest fears in order to learn to deal with this situations. It's now five weeks since I was at work the last time. And I really needed some time off. In the first days, I was like this girl: Breaking into tears when somebody said something not so nice to me. And I was really afraid that my boss could fire me. Now, so much away from work and with so much support from my family and the doctors, I feel much better. In the last week, I've read the book "The Power of Habit" and was really surprised how good it is. I stumbled over it already a year ago but somehow I didn't trust it. On this day I was in the mood of tearing trees out of the earth. I wanted to use everything I've learned from this book and practise it right away. We had sport this day, where we trained with small barbells. In the afternoon we worked in the garden. On a normal day, I would be exhausted. But on this day I had so much energy that I went running for 3 kilometres with my dog. The next day I was tired and had sore muscles. But I felt good. And after a nap in the afternoon even better. This weekend I have the task to meet people. So I went shopping with my sister and her best friend. Last two years my sister wasn't even talking to me. Tomorrow I'll meet a school friend. Next week I should try to go among people I don't know. Maybe I find a meeting of board gamers. I also want to start writing applications. I don't want to go back to my company, so I have to find another company where I can finish my apprenticeship. Job interviews scar me too. But as they say in therapy: Face your fears.
  2. Akari restarts

    Hi there, it's been a while since I was doing a challenge and even longer since I finished one. For those who don't know me: I am a 27 years old female from Germany. I am doing an apprenticeship in a company I hate. Three weeks ago I couldn't go on anymore. I couldn't stand against all this harassment and mobbing anymore. For a whole week, I was crying as soon as I came home. I forbid myself to cry in my company. I had sometimes panic attacks, even on weekend. My problem is, that I do a lot of mistakes, my supervisor got always angry about this, and my fear of doing anything wrong lead to more mistakes. For one and a half year I told myself to go on, to learn, to become better but it just got worse. "Explain to me why you can't do this! Anybody else has no problems! Okay if you don't have anything to say go away and btw you won't write any invoice anymore". When I explain, the reaction is: "Do you even listen to what you are talking? Do you even believe that?" When I was telephoning they were listening and criticising what I was saying, how I was saying it, how long I was talking... When I made the entry in PC about the telephone call: "You got a typing mistake there! I can't check each entry you make!" Maybe start to check your own entries! (Ofc I wasn't saying that) When I was typing longer on PC: "What are you doing there? Why you need so long? Can you do that later, I need to concentrate!" Meanwhile, radio with songs from 80ths and 90ths was playing. Torture for me. ... My mom told me to go to a doctor and stay a week home. I was too afraid to go. After one week crying daily and calling my mom daily, I felt like she was annoyed by me so I stopped calling her. So she asked worried if everything was okay. Of course, it wasn't. She finally talked with our doctor at home and told me to come home. And the doctor sent me to a psychologist. In two weeks I will start a therapy. So I can learn to deal with other people and with conflicts. I was hesitant to agree to the therapy, but when my mom said I should do that I agreed. If my mom wasn't there I wouldn't know what to do at all. In the two weeks home I established a routine: going out regularly with my dog, learning for school, learning Japanese, learning Croatian, sitting in the garden and reading books. It worked pretty well and I felt really relaxed. Then my grandpa suddenly died. Since two years he was like a little child because of dementia. His health was also not the best. There were phases when he was just lying in bed and then he recovered and was walking around again. His death hit my whole family really hard. They all were around for the last two years, helping where they could. One week before his death he was walking around still. The only consolation is that he died without pain and at home as he always wished. On weekend was the funeral. I was there despite having a cold and a high temperature. I said goodbye. And now I want to go on. I enjoy life. I love life.