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Everything posted by Akari

  1. First day at work after three days home with my ill son. Until Lunch it was okay, then the secretary of my boss called me. She wanted something from me. I tried to explain her where she can find it but she refused to listen and screamed at me. "You have obviously enough time to print me that" She never had never before screamed at me, so I was shocked. When I gave her the document I tried to talk to her but she refused to calm down again. I went to my supervisor and told him. He said, that she got screamed at a moment befor by the boss and now she passed it on to me. This woman works at least 30 years for the company and still isnt able to handle the pc. Next time I'll gonna tell her: You are an experienced employee, I'm sure you can handle it on your own. Unfortunatly I'm busy." I send another job application. Didn't even feel difficlt.
  2. I overcame my worries and applied for the job. I feel really good, even though there is a high chance that I'll get rejected. But if I don't try, I won't get anywhere.
  3. Hi I'm Akari, a 30 years old single mom of a two-year old boy. Lately I am often frustrated. My little one is ill again. That's the fourth time in six weeks and some colleagues at work make stupid comments about it. The tome when I am at work is awful: I sit around and count the hours because there is nothing to do. That's why I finally came to the conclusion that I need a new job. After procrastinating already for three days I started to write an application for an interesting job, but i didn't finish it. The old anxiety is back with all its nastiness. I feel sick. My mind plays tricks at me, because I am afraid that people could reject me or call me incompetent. But on the other hand it can only become better. Sitting around while doing nothing is not my dreamjob. Tomorrow I'll write that application and send it. Btw English is required for this job. What do you guys think about mine? Fortunately you guys don't need to listen to my broken th.
  4. This week I was really tired - not mentally but physically. I don't even know why. Yesterday my boss was angry. (Actually he was angry the whole week. Corona affects our protection. We cannot get the materials fast enough) I corrected one contract, because there was an information missing. And he asked why I didn't do that a month ago. So I told him frankly : Because I didn't receive this information. I would appreciate, if every information regarding changes of contracts or offers will be sent to me too. (sonce I am part of the sales team) His reaction was: That's an excellent idea! We gonna do that now. I want anyways, that you are able to create offers on your own. Six months ago, I started to work again, after being home with baby for one year. Since four months I am asking to be trusted with more tasks. Finally my boss has the same goal as me.
  5. Last Tuesday I gave my little boy into kindergarden despite him being ill. I was nervous and anxious. Around twelve I got the call: He is feeling bad, he didn't sleep and I should fetch him. I needed another hour to finish the last task and give information to my boss. I also instructed a colleague. When I arrived at the kindergarden my son was running around and playing. But he was coughing a lot. At home he slept for more than two hours. Beeing alone in the office and being responsible for everything made me extremely nervous and anxious. It was a bit overwhelming but I managed it pretty well. This week my colleague was back in the office and he took charge of everything. So now I am just waiting for instructions again,while I get just half of the information. Today I got the massage : We calculated 20 hours less than needed for contract X. And because we need to produce this truck 8 times we need 160 hours more. It took me three hours of searching and calculating to find out that this is a huge exaggeration. My calculation was wrong by 6 hours and our construction team needed more hours for the first truck than they needed last year. My supervisor said to me in a complete calm voice : Don't worry, they always exaggerate. There was another message which made me feel disappointed. Last Tuesday I had to finish some calculations for some extremely important contracts. I did so and told my boss. I also instructed another colleague that he just needed to print everything if the boss wants to send this to the client. But since there were handwritten notes in the folder which I gave to my boss he didn't believe that everything was correct. So the boss, my colleague and someone else were sitting four hours in the evening and checked everything again. I apologised to my colleague because he had to do extra hours just because I didn't print the contracts again. He told me to not worry. He did show the boss my email where I had written "everything is finished, just need to be printed", but my boss didn't trust this. It's kinda sad that I don't have the full trust of my boss. But at least he realised at the end that like I said: everything was correct. I had some success today : I changed the mainbord of my pc. Now my pc recognises my grafic card again
  6. I feel bad. My son is ill and I really need to do some important stuff at work. My colleague is at vacation. I just need two or three hours but I have none who can take care of my son. My only option would be to give him into kindergarden for this time.
  7. I took my courage to call her and tell her I don't need the solar panels. She instantly replied : Alright, that's no problem. I was surprised. And it showed me again that I often worry to much for nothing. In the end it didn't get the garden. She still wanted 400 €, I offered first 100, then 150€, but she refused. After I hung up I thought : Alright, good luck in finding an idiot who takes that desolate hut for that money. I'll continue growing vegetables on my terrace. Today I was again able to watch some birds. I did put some sun flower seed in a self made wood box in the tree in front of the terrace. They like it.
  8. I visited the garden yesterday. It's basically a green meadow with one tiny vegetable bed and a shack but it's good earth. The only catch: the tenant wants to sell me her 2 solar panels for 700 Euro which I have no use for. I wouldn't even be able to make coffee with that, it's just for light. With this money I could buy some raised garden beds for my terrace and the best earth for them. And that would eat away almost all of my savings. It feels kinda unfair. I just want a tiny space of eath to grow something but I don't have the money. My mother said to me: decline it and wait for a better opportunity. She doesn't understand why I like gardening. In her eyes it's to time consuming and to exhausting. I avoided to call that woman today. I have to tomorrow. No use in waiting longer. My son woke me up today at 2 o'clock. Usually I have no trouble sleeping again. But today I was mulling over how to get that garden without the solarpanel. I fell asleep and woke up at four and stood up because I couldn't sleep anymore. It stressed me a lot. And the whole day I felt anxious and nervous. At least I used the two hours in the morning before my son stood up well: i pricked salad plants, did put the tiny plants in tiny pots.
  9. And I bought a sql book. I will learn that. Today I asked my supervisor to program a little command that filters specific data out of a large table. That's pure logic and I am good at thinking logically.
  10. My PC tells me to do something else than playing videogames. The graphic card is defect. That's the third time in three years. I guess that's the punishment for bying cheap. I hope I can get a new one from the seller like the last two times. Today I had a cute little visitor on my terrace : a little bird with red tail feathers. I also got a call today. Tomorrow I can visit a garden in a allotment area (is this the right translation?) . The woman wants to give it away. I was hoping to get a garden next year. This year would be awesome since I could start growing vegetables immediately.
  11. On Thursday I drove to my mother and stayed till Sunday. It was really relaxing. I had more time for myself then usually because she played with my son. My son can say 'Mama' for about to weaks and uses it now very often. Two other favourite words are 'Wauwau' for dog and 'mia' for cat. Almost everything with four legs that isn't a cat is a 'Wauwau'. Today my day at work was boring and exhausting again. I have nothing interesting to do. I asked a few times over the past two months to become more involved but nothing is changing. The funny thing is that I helped last year to design some feain our mainly used program to make work easier. For example we don't need to copy stuf by hand anymore. With a few clicks the program does it. And now I have even less work and more time without a task. My supervisor, which is also our only programmer, said to me: Learn SQL, then you can help me. I honestly thought about learning it. But at the moment I have really trouble to concentrate. I am distracted easily by everything else. And a tiny voice in my head says: you won't be good enough to program. One succes yesterday : I managed to clean my bedroom and make the laundry. It's kinda sad that I can't get myself to do more important stuff. After a while of playing with my son I always would love to do something else. But when he is sleeping the loneliness floods over me and he is just one room away.
  12. Today was a good day. My little son and went up at four to make breakfast, went back to sleep and slept till eight. Last Sunday was the time change. The clock was moved one hour forward. I have always problems with the change. Fortunately I have vacation. The day was bright and sunny. In the afternoon we had 20 degrees celcius. So I played in the sandbox with my son and we went for a walk. I also managed to clean my kitchen and the living room. Something which I am avoiding for two weeks now. I also did some work on the terrace where I am creating a little garden to grow my own vegetables. I would love to have my own garden. But at the moment I have only six square meters of terrace. I planted already zucchini which are currently growing in pots on my eating table. I also planted some herbs and flowers. Yesterday I did sow carrots and tomatoes. My diet abd my weight are no problem. After the pregnancy I came out of the hospital with 76 kg and went down to 64 kg. I kept this weight now for one year while I got a bit stronger. My one and a half year old son has now a weight of 12 kg. And I need to carry him still a lot even so he can walk and run. But if he doesn't want to walk he sits down where he is and doesn't move anymore.
  13. Hello everyone, it's been a while. I hope you are all well. I should be well. I have a wonderful son (1,5 years old), a safe job, a nice little apartment, no financial worries. But I have no deep connection to other people, besides my little son and my mom. It's been two years since I did a therapy to learn to deal with social anxiety and I learned a lot. I notice when I come near the "the black hole". Two weeks ago I fell into it. I had the first panic attack in over a year. Because of the pandemic and the lockdown in Germany it is hard for me to get in touch with other people besides of five min talks in kindergarden. So my work is kinda the only thing where I can do something meaningful. But at the moment I am not involved in the important stuff. I sit around and wait for tasks. I went to my supervisor and told him that I want to get involved and that really something has to change. The night I had a panic attack. The next day I had one again. And the whole week I felt terrible. Then when I got trusted with some important tasks, my son got ill. And I used his illness to stay home a whole week. I don't want to feel this panic anymore. There is not even a real reason behind it. It's just my feeling of being alone and the fear to be not accepted by others. My goal for this challenge is to find activities that I enjoy. And to create a routine to answer the panic.
  14. Es tut mir Leid - I am sorry. Ich bitte um Entschudigung. - I ask for forgiveness. For example if you ask someone on the street what time it is: Entschuldigung, können Sie mir sagen wie spät es ist? If you want to apologize for a bad behaviour you can use both.
  15. Hi, I saw you want to learn German. If you would like to have some talks to a real German then ask me
  16. That suits me perfectly. As a teenager I could sit for hours and read. Now I carry my smartphone with me and listen to books when walking the dog or driving around my babyboy in his carriage. Currently I listen to 'Becoming' of Michelle Obama. But I picked up a few real books to read. For example 'Le chut de giants' (Fall of giants from Ken Follett) and 'Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal'.
  17. I know I disappeared. I'm not really god at tracking stuff in the forum. Happy New Year to all Monkey Tamers
  18. Updated the sheet. On weekend I found a source for swedish vocabulary and most important example sentences. I was more busy copying and setting things up for anki than actually learning. Now I will each day review a few cards and replace the English translation with one or more pictures.
  19. There is something else I noticed about me. At the moment I'm relaxed, I have no spinning thoughts and no anxiety. A few weeks ago when my ex boyfriend wanted to visit us, I had anxious thoughts already two weeks before. The day itself was pure stress too. I'm glad that he doesn't ask for he son, so I don't need to deal with him every day. I have also every application for support from the public offices completet. (I have no clue how to describe this correctly in English) 2 of 4 things are granted, rest should be too. It's over a year since I did a therapy to overcome my anxiety but I still have trouble if there appears any uncertainty in my life. I often procrastinate instead of confronting myself.
  20. On weekend I found a source for vocabulary for my languages. Most important: There are example sentences. Swedish101pod. There are a lot of other languages too. They offer 7 days for free. I used that to copy there Core 2000 words list. (Had two click a lot of times on 'show example sentences' but okay) Now I can feed my Anki deck with this. I noticed that it's really difficult for me to mix English and Swedish. Swedish has a lot of words which remind me about German words. For example: Anställd means employee, in German Angestellter or the verb anstellen. My little boy doesn't sleep much in the afternoon anymore. And it's difficult to get him to sleep even when he is tired. Today it was extremely difficult. He probably had an aching stomach. He was crying for an hour, after sleeping half an hour he started to cry again. Another hour later he made his pants full and smiled again. I needed to remind myself to stay calm. It's not his fault and getting angry won't help even when he crying is nerve-wracking.
  21. On Thursday my little boy received two vaccinations. He cried load and 5 minutes later his was already talking in baby speach again. But he got high temperature on Friday. Slept a lot and when he wasn't sleeping he was whining. Last few days were exhausting. I had to visit some puplic bodies and the doctor, which both took a lot of time, and then an unhappy baby. I noticed that I didn't care for what I ate or how much. Sometimes I ate nothing over half a day. (I usually eat 5 small meals and get grumpy if I don't eat regularly) And sometimes I ate every two hours something. And I don't drink enough resulting into headaches.
  22. Herbology? Are you a student or do you study this for fun?
  23. Yesterday I did 1,5 hours French. In the afternoon I practised Christmas songs on the clarinet and the trumpet. In the evening, I was in the music school and practised together with a few people for an upcoming concert. I skipped Spanish completely. Today I had some other stuff to do. I had to visit a Puplic authority, puplic body... How to I say this? I don't know a translation for the German Behörde. I was home at 3 and after a coffee and lunch I went to bed together with my baby. I definitely want to do some Spanish today. My little one refuses to sleep right now.
  24. Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, the bath and the living room (only to find the kitchen floor sullied again today). And laundry... my baby boy produces a lot of dirty clothes.
  25. One question: Does the week start Sunday or Monday in the sheet?
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