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Everything posted by Salinger

  1. 10.45pm. Coaching this afternoon went amazing ! First proper session. Was feeling a bit low still and self esteem issues ... felt good afterwards. Very encouraged and motivated to push myself, keep going. I have lots to do, focus on, so im just moving through lists and emails/contacts!! Afterwards, i decided to see if my friend was watching the footy tonight, he invited me round to his. gave Rox some time to chill at home, and i drove to my mates. Usually we get drunk when watching the footy, but both had AF beers!!! Im home now, with a cup of tea Will go to bed soon. No exercise today, will need to do some workout tomorrow. x
  2. Been to watch the football tonight with a mate, round at his. Thats definitely a time I would be drinking lots. Stayed sober, drove there and back. Home now with a tea x
  3. Awww Diamond. Hoping you can make her comfortable You did AMAZING at that gym sesh!!!! xx
  4. woooooooooooooo i knew it!!!! congrats that is amazing and you deserve this xx
  5. Going ok, have had some cravings recently due to low mental health mood. AF beers helping!! Day 19 sober, longest ive likely gone in absolute years x
  6. Thank you Nova xx _______ Morning all. 5.20am here, so quiet, dark, cold! Rox will be up in 90 mins and we leave in a couple of hours. Im tired..... i slept 'ok' but annoyed for waking so early. Busy day today. Take Rox to work, come home, go through emails, work on website, prep for meeting, nap, gym, tidy kitchen, paint clay monster, coaching session, pick up Rox. Might meet a friend to watch the football tonight as well. But undecided at the moment. Coaching (first proper session) is at 4pm. I think im prepped for it. Got some notes written down ready to go through. Feel a bit anxious about it tbh. Mood wise, still quite low but better than i was...hoping to get good amount done today so i feel more relaxed and kinder to myself xx
  7. Hey all. Thanks for concerns. Still quite 'raw' emotionally. Still having the urge to punish myself. Instead im trying to self care.... i had a little stroll round the block earlier. Then went to study at my friends for the afternoon, picked up Rox, came home. I have a veggie bolegnese on the stove bubbling away, i have an AF beer and listening to Blink 182. Ill have a nice hot shower soon, watch the football, relax and get an early night. Ive worked hard today and intend to do the same tomorrow x
  8. Hey all. 9.45am. Slept ok, hard to wake this morn and take Rox to work, but im back now and drinking tea. Going to call my mum soon as she hasnt been doing very well. Then around midday, got a meeting and also going to a friends to work together. We sometimes meet and will do our own work, but with some company! Will be there till 4pm then go pick up Rox. Going to try get to the gym tonight as well. Feeling a bit numb today, from the intense emotional day yesterday Trying to shake it off, and focus. Got coaching tomorrow so want to get into a better mindset, and write down what i would like to discuss. Dont want to waste the session. Just a bit flat this morn xx
  9. Hey Sky, always lovely to hear from you, thank you for taking time to respond You are so kind, thanks so much for this. And for sharing your thoughts xx Thank you mate. Yes a long time for me, especially having social situations as well and still being sober. Thanks for reminding me xx
  10. Had a massive, ugly sob in the car on the way to getting Roxy. Jeeez, talk about having fucking bipolar hey!! Im still astounded at how i can be on top of the world, to wanting to die, the day after. Feel a bit better? Maybe? I dont even know haha Got a zoom meeting in a moment to discuss a future exhibition with an artist. I know this guy so wont be heavy or anything which is good. Im sat in dining room and Rox has TV on in living room. Just drinking tea whilst i wait ... Will make dinner after. Im very congested, likely from crying so much as well which wont help. Im going to give the gym a miss tonight just dont feel up to it tbh. Was thinking in the car that im never going to be happy with my looks and weight. Im 33, this issue has been ongoing since i was 13. (when i was skinny ffs) i thought i was fat. Now i actually AM fat and its just a horrible fucking thing to deal with every day for like 20 years. Self hate, literally cutting myself because of hating. I feel sorry for myself tbh. I feel sorry for that young girl who would pull the tiny flesh on her hips desperate to FIND the fat which would validate her intense fears. I cant even look at photos of myself with my slim tummy out, because i want to sob. I can see her mind thinking 'god im so ugly' 13 years old. Ok sorry . Just need to vent somewhere. Me and Rox have plans, to travel, to lie on the beach together in love. And all i think is..... ill be a beached whale. Embarressed, anxious and hating myself. Too hot, too sweaty, too terrified to show flesh, too scared to go in the sea/pool. It causes me AGONY guys. Absolute gutteral agony. Yet...... i dont work hard to change? I have fear of working out/exercise. Anyway. We know all that. Im going to zoom now, then make dinner (veggie sausages, baby potatoes, kale, and brocolli.) 17 days sober xx
  11. Hey all. Unfortunatley hit a major slump today. Had such good intentions to get on with work and ride the highs Didnt work, i ended up sleeping for almost 4 fucking hours Got a couple of rubbish emails regarding work stuff. And also the house we adore is likely not available now. Theyve taken it off the website due to A LOT of applications for it. And the landlord is looking through them now. Its maybe 5% chance we would get chosen, due to my silly, random income from grants and disability. Which has really upset me?! I dont even know why. Think i feel under massive pressure - we have one month and a bit, to move out, we have to pack, we have to somehow find about £3000 to move as well. hahaahhhaaha fucking hell. My head feels like its splitting open with worry and stress. Ive eaten SHIT today too and im hating on my weight/looks. Sorry for the downer xx
  12. You are doing great Nova, way to go with healthy emotions and thinking things through, that shit is HARD to do. Wishing you a gorgeous day/eve xx
  13. Nova, you are amazing. i love you loads. Have a wonderful day and give those dogs a nose bop kiss from me xx
  14. Hey all . . 9.30am here Car was frozen this morn and my hands almost dropped off when clearing the frost. Just back from dropping Rox off. Im congested again hahahaahahahahah Need to get in to get allergy checks ugh. SO frustrating not being able to breathe correctly. The weekend was lovely, Saturday was lazy, Sunday i went to Roxys friends at around midday, her friend and her partner and thier baby were there, and also another friend who stayed the night. I watched the football with the boyfriend and we played with the baby (who is amazing) and then ate an AMAZING vegan roast dinner then me and Sophie (Roxys mate) had a meeting. I am helping her write a funding application for her work.... Didnt leave till 7.45pm. Everyone was drinking alcohol, but i stayed on the AF beer very pleased with myself tbh. Today im busy again, all week i am really. Meetings and proposals etc Need to order medication, pick that up later, nap, clean the kitchen, prep dinner, think of lunches that are easy and quick.....etc etc. Will try and go to the gym today as well. Maybe tonight again, to give Roxy an hour to decompress after work xx
  15. Hey Nova Thank you , you are right about not getting too down. Never done a food journal. UNless thats like using MFP? Ive done that before yes - i might do again to see where i am at. xx Thanks mate, yes you are right. Ahh thank you I KNOW!!!!! Its crazy. Drove past the road today after dropping Rox off....looked longingly ahah Hoping i hear something today. Ahhh thanks, i enjoyed making them! Thank you Shaar....i had a nice weekend (more further on) xx Thank you, i did! xx Thanks Yasha... this week we will LOSE xx
  16. Totally understand that pain of waiting. Il cross everything for you today xx
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