Salinger

Hey Sov!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING! So glad the doctor listened. Brilliant ❤️ Sorry about the unwanted guest ugh. You have had great advice here I hope today has been lovely and i hope you know how much you mean to me xx

This is amazing quote haahahahah xx

Hey AP!!!!! I. am mega late but here and love you very much. What is the outdoor group you joined? I am so proud of you always xx

Hey all. Sorry for being AWOL. Missing you and being present here. A long few days. Up and downs. Lots of stress and anxiety but im trying to. be kinder to myself. Unsure how .... feel like i should plan my day more. So i dont have to make as many decisions. But then will that help? Things seem like cycles. And im not improving. But also, i cant step back and see any progress? Its just confusing and frustrating. Tomorrow is a busy one. But hoping to get some progress on a video application - its a dream job but im not that confident of getting an interview xx

I have a couple of lovely vintage bird books i found, so i can take it with me! x I think i would defo prefer to be alone. Mainly cos im SO UNFIT and embarassed by that. But yeah. I need some time with just me i think. xx Thanks Harriet xx

I have been looking into cycling hmmmmmm any advice? take some binoculars and cycle round some lakes through the summer x

Need to vent.... Not sure where to start really. Most of this you guys already know, and I do apologise for constantly complaining or being negative. It isn't how i want to be and i hate myself even more for this. I cant figure out anything in my mind, i cant figure out if my thoughts are real, if im making things up, if i'm exaggerating etc. Ive worked so hard for 8 or so years now, and i feel like its got me nowhere. I just feel like a massive failure. Pretty much every day, i cry about money. I cry because i cant figure out how to get more, or paid for the stuff i do. I cry because i am 35 years old, and i have to apply get £33 a month to help towards my electric/gas bill. And it’s embarrassing and shameful. I cry because i see how badly it is affecting Roxy, the fact she works hard too, getting paid a SHIT wage, with increasing mental health issues, with knees that are agony and on the brink of collapse. I see the pain she is in, and the fact she cant afford medication for her ADHD, and the fact that it likely means a poisonous cycle of no help, no support. And i think, why am i pretending that i am an artist, or that being ‘this’ thing, is ok. When i bring in so little. When i have pay day loan companies calling me every day etc Money issues have always been bad, but the past 6 months have almost killed me and i just cant do it anymore. I just don't know what to do Do i just give up with art now?? Or could I try and focus on giving support to people applying for funding? Consultation for emerging artists maybe? But i just don't know….is there any point? Should i try something else completely? Get into a trade? Re-train? Or maybe stick it out….apply for grants again…trust the process…. etc. I just don't know how i can manage two/three months with no guaranteed income? Round and round in my head. my anxiety is worse its ever been, in a permanent state of nausea. Im absolutely fucking exhausted. I have no friends. People just don't speak to me anymore. Maybe its because i'm a horrible person. I hate myself so much and i hate hate hate that once again I am telling you all this, i don't want you to feel awkward or stressed. Im not asking for you to fix anything. but i have no one else In my mind i think, sort this out. Figure out a routine for exercise, figure out diet, get some confidence back. It will get warmer soon, so go out bird watching, go on longer walks with Bronze....etc etc But also, its so tough to get started when i feel so fucking depressed! x

Thank you TG. 2 shifts per week for the foreseeable.... Its scary because she is a teenager, a teen with huge mental health issues and rebellious etc. How the hell can i support her?! haha im scared of teenagers!! I do have a bike, but it has two bust tyres and its difficult to ride. (prob cos im so fucking fat ) xx Thanks Sara ❤️ Yes, self esteem, no confidence etc, that defo adds to the anxiety of messing up. xx Thank you Harriet. Yes true. ❤️ xx

Hey didnt have as much time as i had hoped yesterday. So couldnt write much. I have a LOT of anxiety. I had a job interview on Wednesday. 6 hours per week, support worker for a 13 year old who has complex mental health needs. I got the job. But i am absolutely thinking it is the wrong decision. And i cant get rid of the anxiety i am feeling and its horrid. Its not even very long!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 hours (so 2 3 hour slots) Ughhhhhhhhh. Anyway. I NEED TO FIGURE OUT AN EXERCISE ROUTINE. I hate myself. More later, just popping out with Bronze ❤️ xx

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Thanks TG ❤️ xx

I have a kinda big update coming in a couple of hours. could do with some advice when I explain. chat soon gang x

I am sorry i havent messaged anyone yet. Im spiralling. And i am trying to hold on. I hope things will feel better soon x

Will check in with you guys today also, miss chatting to you all x

Hey 8:30am here. Sun is peeking out but rain is due most of the day! The internet guy is here currently, upgrading the internet to be faster. Its already fine tbh but not going to complain. I am feeling a bit low. Mainly the exhaustion of figuring out finances. And dealing with the 'whats the fucking point' stuff. Anyway. Today.... - Take medication - Laundry on - Dry clothes away - Put books on shelves - Work on job application video - IMPORTANT - Meeting at 1pm about grant application - Get through emails - Look for jobs - Make dinner (leftovers) - Chill out. Film. Sleep These are the main bits really. Just trying to survive another day. xx

Hey all. 1pm here. Raining, been pouring down all day! ugh. Had a busy morning, was in the old place at 8am as the sofas were being picked up, to take to my friends. Glad that is done now and can just focus on getting last bits out. I feel tired today and very achey and lethargic. My plan this afternoon.... - Take medication - Shop for salad bits for dinner - Books in the house from the car - Laundry on - Dry clothes away - Walk Bronze - Work on job application video - Make veggie tacos for dinner (sister round this eve) - Chill out. Film. Sleep I would LOVE to stay in bed tho all day! oh well. x

Thank you Harriet ❤️ xx Thank you Sara, i did take Bronze out and it helped. ❤️ xx Thank you Seph. A little better today xx

I can’t fucking wait to hand the keys in at the old house and never be there again roxy is so stressed and making her overwhelmed and she basically can’t regulate her emotions and we end up arguing as I’m too laid back about it. Blah blah blah im on the verge of getting very drunk and driving into a tree. I can’t be bothered anymore. I really can’t. im Absolutely skint. im fed up of being fucking sober for no reason. im depressed i have no friends im grieving im fat and I’m ugly i have no job im constantly exhausted im constantly aching just really not sure what the point is.

Hey all. Yesterday was lovely. Our friends sons 3 year birthday. Was so lovely. Met in the park at 10am, lots of his friends had arrived and was fun. Then back to his grandmas for a gorgeous lunch. Then to our friends house to relax, open pressies, eat pizza.....!!!!!!!! Today, Roxys dad is coming again, last time to move the last of the stuff from old house. We will then commence cleaning . I also need to walk Bronze, and do work.......need to apply for a couple jobs today Clean - laundry - Bronze walk - tip run - sort old house - hoover new house - work out finances. Also need to plan the upcoming week. x

I didnt share the photo of the shelves i put up @Sovalis hahaha Here xx

THANK YOU xx Ill share some photos in a min!! x Thanks Sov, amazing to see you as always ❤️ xx I just put these up. Do you recon they wil hold? hahahha

THANK YOU ❤️ Good plan!! xx Thanks so much AP, appreciate you being here so much xx

Hey ! Stay sober - no alcohol, no drugs - ✓ I hit 9 months two days ago. CRAZY This challenge - Stay SOBER. Apart from that, i didnt really do anything towards the month goals. I suddenly moved house and everything pretty much went into that. very stressful. Lots of anxiety. Just very overwhelming and disruptive. But we are almost done. In a week, we will hand the keys in. And can forget that nightmare. This challenge has small number of goals. - Figure out what to track. For me to focus on getting healthy, i need something to keep me motivated. I need to work out what i will feel good to track, so distance of dog walk, food intake, number of times i can left something etc.... - Think about diet. Begin to make changes. How do i figure out what calories/macros are right now me? STICK to it, even if just for 2 weeks. - Begin to unpack, and make a house a home. - Apply for two jobs. - Apply for 2 grants. - Two date nights with Roxy. Nothing else - but other things are bonuses. for now.

Had my first bath in the new house!! X

Well Bronze was being so annoying, so much that i just decided to take her out. I gave the guys the spare key and they posted it through the letterbox after locking up before they went. But we had a very nice time. In the rain and mud. We went to some woods and the ground was full of wild garlic, it smelt amazing. ill pop some photos up later on. I have bits to do this afternoon including finishing the shelves. Im not having enough time to do all i wanted tho But that is ok. Im doing the best i can today xx