milythael

Interesting observation, as I am a peculiar person when it comes to cats. Perhaps because I am most cat-like. Cats come to me for belly rubs, and don't attack when receiving them. I've had to warn people not to do what I was doing, for fear of them leaving behind blood. I don't know if being well loved by cats is a requirement for being a hugmaster, as I've never met another hugmaster, but it seems plausible to me.

Especially from a hugmaster. (tries to look innocent)

Week 1 Day 7 I had really hoped to finish the week strong by moving today. I woke up early, around 3 am. I had energy, and suddenly I was eating all the things. I thought this was a pretty good sign. Then, like someone had flipped a switch, I was no longer awake. When I woke back up, it was 11 am, and symptoms are powerful. My body is vibrating like I'm in an earthquake, and I nearly fell over because I turned my head while I was standing. Not a good day for exercise. At least this challenge will provide a record of how often my symptoms are preventing me from engaging in reasonable physical movement. I really wish I had access to a pool. At the very least, I would like to see if full immersion helps with these electrified nerves.

I will have to look into this. Thank you. Welcome to the fun and games.

Week 1 Day 6 My schedule was packed today. Only half an hour between my normal group and my MRI so I had to do video appointments and group in the parking lot of the imaging place much further from home than normal. I was having trouble waking up. I only managed a microwave breakfast sandwich before leaving, and nothing to bolster it, not even a cup of coffee. I dragged all day. I got my MRI. I almost fell asleep in the machine, surrounded by the sounds of someone's Pandora channel and loud buzzes, pounding, pulses, and what sounded enough like a warning buzzer that it was good they gave me a heads up just before hand or I might have thought I needed to exit the machine. After the MRI, we went by the local bookstore to pick up some books I had ordered. Then picked up food on the way home. It was then I realized I was so tired I couldn't eat in the car because I was afraid I would dump my food all over the place. I got home, almost fell asleep eating a couple times, finished my food, and passed out for a good 3 or 4 hours. Now, I'm disoriented, trying to figure out how to convince myself to find food again, and ready to sleep for the rest of the night. No physical activity today.

Hip, hip, huzzah!

Add to things not working today, sleep. The nightmares today are real, pervasive, and of the emotionally personal nature.

Today is hard. It is a bad symptom day. I cannot listen to music. It obliterates my mind. I cannot watch anything. Everything is too much. I cannot read. Words won't stay in one place, and refuse to become meanings. I am typing with my eyes closed because the text gets in the way. I had a hard time finding my thread. Today, I have in ear plugs and I am sitting with myself while nerves play kaleidoscopic senses across my internal experience. Prayers welcome. Support welcome. I probably won't be reading anything until tomorrow at the earlierst. MRI is tomorrow. Searching out the submit reply button I realize, I could really use a dark background around here.

I am trembling so much this morning that it is affecting both gross and fine motor control. I made a mess grinding coffee beans. My hands are visibly shaking. I'm nervous picking up my cup to take a drink. This is very likely to be a no exercise day.

I've been giving this some thought. I do not want to give up weighted juggling this challenge, but it does not feel like coordination or conditioning. It feels like another strength exercise, so I'm going to treat it as such. I will not do it two days in a row, and I will try to focus on keeping it to controlled rep ranges. I really liked the three sets of 25 I did the other day with rest between sets. I think I will model that for the rest of the challenge. I will do unweighted juggling as often as I like. This is not physically taxing most days, but can interact poorly with some of my symptoms so care is still required. I also want to emphasize that I am working on crow pose for fun. To that end, I may do some work on it outside of workouts, and I've decided I don't care if I record that or not. This is play with benefits. If I feel like being silly in the kitchen while I cook or in a park, etc, more power to me.

Week 1, Day 4 Warm up - juggling tennis balls, 95 continuous tosses without dropping TGU - 1 round, 1 rep 16 kg kettlebell, started left, no problems either side Unstable Crow Pose - 2 reps each side, one hand on side of kettlebell in a divot, one hand on grass, each rep lasted about a second Weighted Juggling for conditioning - bowed out after first couple throws During the warm up, the flashes of the tennis balls in front of my face were causing me visual distortion problems. I've been having brain fog all day. I sat for a while debating TGUs. I admit, I was afraid. I was afraid of making poor split second decisions or sudden confusion leading to compromised body position or injury. If I am honest, I'm not sure I decided to do them. I think I forgot why I wasn't doing them yet, and once I started, they seemed fine. They were easier than the first time, but not easier enough to add a second rep or set yet. No idea what gave me the idea, but once I thought of trying crow pose with one hand on the side of a kettlebell, I couldn't resist. It was fun, but I was unstable. I think as I progress, this is a doable skill. Trying the juggling for conditioning, my cardio is not there right now. I may have to switch to unweighted juggling for coordination and something more traditional for conditioning for now. 5 lbs feels too heavy for cardio exercise for me right now. This needs thought. Maybe I should do kettlebell swings?

Oh, I keep meaning to mention it and keep forgetting so it gets its own post. My weight is still dropping. I'm still not trying to make this happen. New low, 285 lbs. I don't know when I need to start worrying about this. I haven't been tracking / recording my weight for long enough and my memory is not reliable, especially when it comes to time sense, but it really feels like in March or April I was around 315 lbs. I wonder if my scale keeps more than just the last weight recorded.

This says so much to me. This sounds like a decision made, that waits for the world (and perhaps you) to catch up. I love this for you. Though the path forward across the water is not visible, where you find the will to step, there are stones waiting just below the surface to support you. This is your magic working with the universe. Keep listening for the quiet voices of wisdom and insight. You have more blessings to share with the world.

I decided to make it a slightly active rest day. I did a little juggling with tennis balls just to keep the muscles used to moving. Sets for continuous successful tosses, 59, 11, 45. Even that started feeling fatiguing, but at least I spent a little more time outside. Also, I have now found tennis balls I can juggle with. I may start incorporating them into my workouts as warm up and/or cool down.

Week 1, Day 3 Mental resistance against exercising from the start. I couldn't tell if this was caused by depression or body. I decided it needed a real test. I changed into exercise clothes. I decided what I wanted to do when I got out there. (5 rounds, max throws juggling, max hold crow). I went outside. I grabbed the juggling balls. They were HEAVY. I set up for my first round. I could barely toss the first throw. I tried crow pose. I lasted a few seconds. I sat and listened to my body. I did not listen harder. I listened softer. I listened for the messages from my body about what it wanted, not what I wanted. Today is a rest day.

I am not equating situations as the risks of me sleeping in a theatre and you sleeping in a theatre are not the same, but I have slept through a few movies I did not intend to. I feel you on this one.

I am absolutely doing a weight that is right at my limit. I am hoping it will get easier quickly. If it does not, I will need to lower the weight, though this will require obtaining another kettlebell. Historically, I have gained strength at a fast pace when I start out. Currently, I seem to be older than before. Something about time and passing. We will see.

I managed to shower. I then proceeded to collapse in a strange area of the house and sleep for most of three hours. Now, I am back in my bedroom contemplating sleeping until tomorrow. This could be a reaction to depression. This could be a reaction to unheard of levels of physical activity. This could be a reaction to intolerable levels of family stress followed by a day of stress free. No judgement. Zzzzz.

Week 1, Day 2 TGU, 1 round of 1 rep, each side, right then left. I did not rest between right and left. Left was hard. Scary hard. Failed the initial press into position from the ground once. Did not assist with other hand. Took a deep breath and tried again. Then, stalled twice on the final lunge to standing. My knee refused to leave the earth. Again, took a deep breath, and pushed. Success. Will allow at least 1 day recovery before attempting TGU again. Crow Pose, 3 rounds of max balance hold without timing. Allow breathing and pulse to normalize between rounds. Focus especially on nasal only breathing during exercise and while resting. Weighted juggling, 3 rounds of 25 continuous reps without dropping. Allow breathing and pulse to normalize between rounds. Focus on nasal only breathing during, between, and after rounds. This counts as coordination, but not conditioning. Today started challenging. I was woozy. High migraine symptoms. Wasn't able to stay awake until after the 3rd time I woke up. I basically passed out asleep last night. No sleep hygiene. Lights on. Computer on. As I walked through the house in the morning, I kept knocking things over with my wobbles. Depression struck last night, but seems to be not so monkey on my back today. I made myself exercise. I was genuinely scared of trying TGUs this morning, but I refused to let the fear win. Now, I have been trying to recover from the last set of juggling without giving up on nasal breathing. I'm tired. I itch. I need a shower. I WILL TAKE A SHOWER! And if I have to sleep in the bottom of the tub after, so be it.

This evening, I trained juggling for total successful throws. I got approximately 45 total. Some of the sets towards the end were 1 and 2 throws at a time. And my running total got a little suspicious between 28 and 40. My counting and memory got fuzzy as I started pushing through the raised heart rate. It also got so starting with 10 lbs (2 balls) in one hand was really hard, and I couldn't recover from the first bad toss. This counts as coordination and conditioning. Then, I worked on crow pose. Initial goal, 10 head touch, toe touch. Revised to 5 by the time I was in position to start. Revised to 2 after I really conked my head pretty hard into the ground starting 3. I guess I need to do crow pose before juggling. This counts as balance. I scrapped TGU after seeing how badly crow went. Bumping my head in the dirt and grass is no big deal. Dropping 16 kg on my head is a different story. My thought process for the workout was get my heart rate up and get a warm up with juggling. Let my heart rate cool down with crow. Finish with TGU. Next time, maybe I will try the opposite order. Alternatively, if juggling wipes me out this much, my strength goal may get dropped. We will see.

Following along, especially for #HeidiKoans, #reasonsnottoquit, NGAF, daily writing, and meditation. Oh, and Soul. So much Soul.

Following for your progress with meditation.

I'll be fine, but today and tomorrow will be crazy and I may hide in my room a lot. TL;DR Today has already been a hell of a day. After telling my parents (and aunt because she was there) that I couldn't go, I put in ear plugs and went back to sleep. An hour later, I wake up to what through the ear plugs sounds like screaming in pain. I launch up and out the door while either shouting out lout, "WTF," acronyms expanded, or else just saying it under my breath and not able to tell the difference because ear plugs. I could not process what I was seeing. Someone had to tell me it was okay. What I was hearing was my cousin (arrived with her husband to pick up my aunt) squealing in some kind of excitement over I don't know what. I turned around, and laid back down, trying to sleep through a massive blast of adrenaline. Two hours later, I hear talking in the living room. I've woken naturally and I'm hungry. I go out and my dad and aunt are talking. No idea where anyone else is. I wave and go to the kitchen. Open the fridge, pull out salad greens, and stuff starts happening around me. Groceries start appearing and being dumped around my feet. In front of the fridge. More people than I have seen yet so far today. (I never saw my cousin's husband earlier.) I'm confused, disoriented, and in the way. I try not to move. I don't know where to go that I'm not likely to get in the way more, my salad is not made yet. I figured what I take out of the fridge is not in the way of putting things in anymore, so I grab what I want for the salad and wait. Groceries stop appearing. I haven't seen anything I don't know what to do with. In fact, most of what I see looks like food for me while my parents are gone. I am very grateful, but my mom did not need the stress of a shopping trip added to pre-trip packing. Regardless, I start putting things away. My mom usually does this. I've been trying to help when I can, but usually, I have to leave just to be away from the stress of it. I get basically everything put away. My mom takes some of the things and gives them to my aunt for during her trip home. Then, apparently, my aunt, cousin, and cousin-in-law (?) leave. I'm still confused. No one is talking to me. I don't know who is doing what where when. Whatever. My mom comes in. I tell her everything is put away, and I show her where the few things are that might not be immediately obvious. She is having a meltdown. She hands me my missing wallet. (Hooray) Now, something of hers is missing. I'm sick to my stomach. My salad is sitting in bits on the counter mocking me. I start looking for this thing my mom is missing. My dad decides his responsibilities are fulfilled and sits down in the chair he won't leave unless hell freezes over or he is about to piss himself, and maybe sometimes not then. My mom is in pure meltdown. She is chanting, "I can't do this under her breath." I search the car. I search around the chair she has been sitting in all week. She is in her room going through her bags by dumping them on her bed. I tell my dad to call the grocery store and tell them to be on the lookout for it in the store and parking lot. I let my mom know he called. My dad pops up immediately behind me and shouts, "I did the thing!" I try not to elbow him in the face or empty my empty stomach on my mom. He goes back to his perch. My mom discusses places she has been in the last 2 days. Where she thought she remembered it being last. And suddenly finds it under something on her bed. My mom makes me show the thing to my dad so he knows it is found. I give it back to her. I throw my salad together which is far simpler and less of the healthy than I prefer and disappear back into my room, where I am too sick to my stomach now to eat. May I please have a mulligan and get another attempt at this day? I only have to last until they leave tomorrow. Then I get at least 48 blessed hours alone in the house with no one but myself to make me miserable. And folks, I'm not nearly as good at it as my family, so instead of being likely to put me in the hospital, I'm going to come out of this just fine.

Update, I've had a couple hours of sleep. I heard voices so I got up and explained calmly and with much stuttering (yeah, sure sign of cumulative, high stress load) that if I got in the car on Sunday, I'd be getting out of the car on Tuesday at the hospital. They took it seriously and I will be staying here. Now, my only concern is staying functional enough to feed myself enough food that I don't try to eat my arm while they are gone. I think I will be fine. Thank you and I love you all. I'm going to try to sleep some more now.

I don't think they do spawn. I certainly didn't see any. I was still paralyzed by the fear of them around every corner. This is how I experience anxiety: elevated baseline fear level without identifiable cause. It affects my ability to make choices and decisions in ways I cannot adjust for. I know I am being unreasonably affected, but I still can't change the mental outcome.