milythael

It is now 11 pm. I am having a post panic attack anxiety spike with no clear cause. You know you are affected by extreme anxiety when you cannot play peaceful minecraft because of the fear of creeper explosions. Creepers don't explode when you are on peaceful, brain. Brain doesn't care. I can feel depression building. Major depression. Major anxiety. PTSD episode. And I am supposed to be going out of town for 3 days in a car with my father who specializes in making other people's lives miserable. This is starting to seem like an unhealthy mental health load that could very well end with me in the hospital. Now, I have to face telling my parents I am not going to my uncle's funeral. I really do not want to see the inside of another mental health ward. Prayers and support appreciated. On a lighter note, my appetite from recent activities seems to have kicked in. I want to eat ALL THE THINGS. As in, don't put your hand too close to my face because I might eat it. Damn, I was looking forward to food from the European store next to the hotel. Cheers to building muscle.

There seems to be a gang of three crows in the park that hang out together. There is a fourth that makes unusual sounds and I usually see it in one particular area. It flew by during the group call, and I would swear it was the same one with these same distinctive and unusual sounds. Crows make a lot of sounds, but this one is very strange to me. Animals have personalities and I do tend to notice them more than normal. Like the half pint squirrel that came to check me out during my first appointment. It looked too small to be an adult, but seemed fully featured. I don't know if it was young, or just small.

Thank you. I wasn't embarrassed about moving during the call. It was all the stuff scattered around me. The book. The notebook for notes. The two cans of seltzer water. The pen. The phone. All with the slight brain fog of migraine and distraction of group call. Changing location was a hassle I didn't want to deal with. I could have. Even better, I could have just moved to the other side of the table. Put the water to my back, so all the sounds were coming from my front arc. The only problem there was that I didn't realize the sounds behind me were bothering me so much until I started doing post mortem on the event. In the moment, I just knew when it became too much. The kinds of sounds that bother me are not generally the kinds of sounds that noise-canceling headphones are good at. They would probably help with vehicle sounds, but people sounds and animal sounds not so much. They usually make human speech clearer, though it is my impression that more recent technology has progressed in this. I do appreciate the suggestion though. I actually have a pair of noise cancelling headphones that I use sometimes.

Or were excused from gym class due to illness or whatever, or were homeschooled, or had any of a thousand reasons for not having a childhood that seems typical.

This morning I woke up and there was not a thought in my head. For probably hours (I wasn't watching the clock, so I don't know), I lay there drifting, occasionally responding to something online, but like a pond after a small stone, the ripples faded and left nothing behind but smooth placid water. At 8:30, I got a text from my mom asking if I needed a ride to appointments. Oh, I have appointments. Yep, probably need a ride. And suddenly things began moving in my head again. By 8:34, I was ready to go. 8:45, my aunt was ready to go. 9:00, my aunt and I were outside and my mom "checked on us" to see that we had what we needed. We had planned to leave at 9:00. My mom went back inside. We left 15 to 20 minutes later. This is one reason I plan an hour to drive less than 20 minutes for appointments. Time just doesn't seem as critical to others as is does to me. We get to the park. Every picnic table in the park is empty. There is a ranger doing some maintenance with a weedeater. I move away from her. She moves towards me. I move further. She moves towards me. I wish this part were a joke. I find a table. The weedeater eventually moves past me before I have to start a call, then starts coming back, straight at me. 10 minutes until my first appointment. I take a breath. I relax. She goes around and is far enough away not to bother me by the time my first appointment starts. Yes, I've had a migraine every day for, let's see now, 8 days in a row. Yes, I still have it. But I am managing symptoms. I think I'm doing good. I've chosen a beautiful spot in an empty park, and friends, everyone should have appointments that look like this. I finish my first group, grab some drinks from the car, listen to a song OMFG that music is so loud. Did I mention migraine? One of my migraine symptoms is sound sensitivity. This was the first clue things were getting worse. I turn down the music. Listen to one song. Dial in to my group. I'm on a roll. I'm doing so well. Cue the strangers with their dogs moving in for a picnic. Every picnic table in the park is empty except the one where I am sitting, so they park right next to me. I consider moving, but I'm already in group, so I don't. Cue the little boy trundling along behind me at loud volume, followed 30 seconds later by adults I assume were supposed to be with same boy. By now, every sound is pulling my attention. The people playing ball in the sun 75 feet away. The picnic 10 feet from me. The unusually noisy crow that squawks by. Vehicles in the parking lot. And then it happens. I don't know what sound set it off, but it was one sound to many from an unanticipated direction and I lost it. Full PTSD triggered panic attack. I try to bow out of group gracefully. I try to walk to the car not run. I am confused by the car that is not where it was when I got water and momentarily frozen. I find the car in a new location. I continue to try to walk, not run. I get to the door of the car, and the sound of my mom and aunt just talking in the car is enough to freeze me in my tracks. I can't even move until they stop speaking and look at me to see what is going on. I mumble that I'm having a panic attack and need to go. I don't remember much after that. I think my mom gave me ear plugs. They helped. I made it home. The rest of the day has been about managing aftermath. No juggling or play. I haven't managed to do any real packing for the trip Sunday. I did spend 90 minutes in a very cold bath. I did manage to eat twice today. And today, that is a win. Today is about learning, accepting, and being where I am. There are things I could do better. I could prioritize symptom management over view in table selection. I could recognize symptom escalation earlier. If I think I could move, then move, etc. But mostly, I was doing well, and then I wasn't, and that is fine. This is where I am right now. Nothing went catastrophically wrong. This is a win. A little discomfort isn't the end of the world.

I'm very excited to see your progress on the L-sit. This is one of my want to do skills.

Yay, I can be a help for one of my heros!

Crow Pose baseline video WeightedJuggling video

I have massively edited the main post for simplicity and clarity. If you have feedback, please let me know. Crow pose: I completed my baseline. I can hold 6 seconds. There is video, but with my potato internet, it probably won't be up until tomorrow. Juggling: revised weight, the balls are 5 lbs not 4 lbs. There is also video. Same caveat applies. I got 33 continuous throws before I began gasping up a lung. Goals have been revised with baseline numbers, and adjusted goal numbers based on progress so far.

I appreciate your advice. RSI isn't something I had thought about yet, and isn't likely to be a problem for a while. As I get back into shape though, I will keep the half hour a day thing in mind. I absolutely agree that tired muscles learn better. In fact, for future challenges, I think my coordination goal will be with unweighted balls and will be performed after conditioning. This makes perfect sense and is an epic idea. I know when I used to play volleyball that I progressed the most after I was so tired I could barely stand between points. The skills you practice when you are this tired, as long as they are practiced well, become so natural compared to those you only practice fresh. Thank you for this. I haven't juggled clubs since 94 in Spain. Good on you for keeping at it, and for staying with humbling new skills.

Yes, that is it exactly. And I can't even lower backwards 5 degrees. And I feel extremely top heavy in the down position and can't budge at all off the ground.

Bean, The one thing I know is that people who talk to me find ways to help themselves. I have no answers or solutions. I have never told anyone to change this or that and be better. I will not be offended if you don't want to talk or would prefer I not respond anymore. Fleaball, I don't believe I said what you think I did, but if I did, I apologize. I did not mean what it seems I have conveyed. The mistake is mine and I am sorry. I am here only to support someone in pain who has clearly and explicitly asked for help. I have been the person to ask for help in this way. I wish someone like me would have responded then. I am responding now. I hold space for people. I let them be who they are. I have no judgement. Anyone concerned, It is not my intent to create drama, especially in a place where someone needs help. I will not continue to post in this thread unless Bean asks me to. I apologize for any trouble or pain I've caused.

This is not the place for a substantial disagreement because it is not helpful to Bean Sidhe, but I will say this: a boundary that is not enforced is not a healthy boundary. It isn't up to the other person to enforce the boundary. In general, this is where I would suggest working with a therapist or other qualified person to help you find an acceptable way to enforce a boundary. I am clearly not that person. I am glad that you reached a favorable outcome, but I hope that you will come to realize for your own health that your boundaries are your responsibility, and require your action. They don't even necessarily require you to state them clearly, though I am in favor of that always. What they need is you to be clear on what they are, and what consequences will come from their violation. Thank you for sharing your response. I think it is especially valuable to know that others have experienced this and reached solutions in different ways. More than one successful path is available.

First, you are not alone. I see you. I hear you. You are important. You matter. Depression, anxiety, and burnout are real, menacing, and potentially life altering or life threatening in both ways you expect and ways you don't. You probably recognize this, as you have asked for help, but it is worth making explicit. It is worth it to take these seriously, but on the plus side, the skills that can help you get through them may help you for the rest of your life. Before I go further, let me say that I have a lifelong struggle with depression, have fought with anxiety since acquiring PTSD, and am almost certainly suffering from burnout for the last 15 years or so. This is not to say I have all the answers, but I'm down in this hole with you, and I'm willing to lend a hand and the occasional light source. By far, my most useful practice is mindfulness. With or without meditation, mindfulness helps me to appreciate now in a way that gets me through a lot of bad times. If you are interested in knowing more, hit me up, or research mindfulness online. Something I see in your post that could help is conscious work on expressing boundaries. You and your resources are important. If you give all of yourself away, then you compromise yourself and your ability to continue to give. Learning to value self and then to care for self as an act of both self love and other love is hard, but could have tremendous impact. I don't have immediate suggestions for this, but if you are interested, I would be willing to help you research and find an approach that will work for you. Otherwise, I recommend researching setting healthy boundaries. I am uncertain about the boxes. Right now, they seem like a prison that beats you down, but you must judge these things for yourself. Do you dread them, love them, get excited about them, or hate them? If they make you feel better about yourself, then they seem like a good thing. If they make you feel worse, then they probably need work, or maybe they need to take a hiatus for a time. You want goals you can build momentum with, not mountains you can bury yourself under. By the way, I'm milythael, local hugmaster, struggler, and supporter. I'm here with you. Let's get through this together.

I juggled again today. I got a single run of 22 juggles, after which I was unable to complete even a single catch. This has made me realize something. Juggling is not my coordination and conditioning goal. I will be adjusting my original post appropriately, but juggling is now my coordination goal and juggling is my conditioning goal. Let me explain. My coordination goal is to juggle X times in a row without dropping. This goal will start at the baseline of 11 that I set yesterday. Progress will be judged as before, but I am hoping to achieve at least 50 by the end of the challenge. 200% increase (33 total) will be considered an overall win. Yes, I got a 100% improvement in 1 day, but I guarantee that had I not juggled yesterday, I would not have gotten 22 today. Coordination tends to top out at conditioning if you are in poor shape. Any days juggling count as days for this goal. Juggling is juggling, and building coordination is about getting the balls in the air and catching them. My conditioning goal is to juggle for X successful tosses total, regardless of the number of failed tosses or the time required to achieve the number, as long as all are completed in a single session without rest breaks. This goal will start at a baseline of 22, the number I achieved today. I wasn't tracking this yesterday, but I estimate this was close to what I managed yesterday as well. I am really hoping to achieve 200 by the end of the challenge, but as long as I complete my coordination goal with a win, I will consider this a win as well. At least 2 days per week will include juggling for total throws or for total time spent juggling, emphasis on endurance, not on quality. Play I tried a reverse nordic curl. I'm not even in spectacular fail range. Does anyone have any progressions they recommend for this? I will be researching it on google. I did some preliminary abdominal work. I cannot complete straddle pike pulses with good form so I did a beginner version where you sit on the ground, lean the torso back (probably almost 45 degrees for me), support your weight with hands behind, bend one leg at 90 degrees, and pulse the other leg from the ground up to about 20 degrees. I did 5 reps on each leg for two sets.

My only problem with warriors is they tend to get overly excited when I climb on their equipment instead of using it as intended. If an exercise is fun, of course I'll do it. Turkish get-ups are one of my favorite kinds of play.

Weighted Juggling Week 0 baseline: 11 Before testing, I let some air out of my three 4 pound sand balls. They are now much easier to hold onto. I gave my test 4 attempts (after which I was breathing hard and starting to feel woozy). I was not at my best today, but had a really hard time getting even 2 throws in a row, so the 11 will stand as my baseline. I was expecting 15-25. So much room for progress, but begin where you are. I will get some time on video before this challenge is over, but today was not the day.

Which version of shrimp squat are you working on? (no hand, same hand, opposite hand, I believe listed in order of difficulty.)

Some of us are natural nomads and some are not. Neither is without advantage. I wish you fertile ground in which to grow, play, and find joy. I'll be here to cheer you on.

I want a kettlebell that glows like that.

I'll take a large glass of the juice of a fruit I've never tasted, chilled until the vaporous mist cools my lungs as I bring it to my lips.

The Create Your Challenge button on the new 5 week challenge is creating challenges in the previous 5 week challenge area. The same button is showing at the top of this topic and is also doing the same. https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/forum/1307-current-challenge-june-20-to-july-24/&do=add#start Clearly, 1307-current-challenge-june-20-to-july-24 should be 1310-current-challenge-august-1-to-september-4. I was able to correctly create my challenge thread in the new 5 week challenge by manually entering the following link: https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/forum/1310-current-challenge-august-1-to-september-4/&do=add#start

I am restructuring this for clarity, both mine and others. I am also tweaking some goals to be more honest with myself about capacity. Balance Exercise: Crow Pose Baseline: 6 seconds Weekly: train and record 3 to 7 days per week Weekly win: at least 3 days of training Challenge win: any progress above baseline Strength Exercise: Turkish Get-ups 16 kg kettlebell Baseline: 1 set of 1 rep performed 3 days per week Weekly: train and record 3 to 4 days per week Weekly win: at least 2 days of training Challenge win: at least 3 weekly wins Coordination Exercise: Weighted Juggling 5 lb sand balls Baseline: 11 continuous tosses without dropping Weekly: train and record 3 to 7 days per week Weekly win: at least 3 days of training Challenge win: exceed 50 continuous tosses without dropping Challenge party: exceed 100 continuous tosses without dropping Conditioning Exercise: Weighted Juggling 5 lb sand balls Baseline: 22 accumulated successful tosses without rest Weekly: train and record at least 2 days per week of accumulated total successful tosses, or juggling for time Weekly win: at least 2 days of training Challenge win: exceed 200 accumulated successful tosses without rest Stretch goal: exceed 500 accumulated successful tosses in a single session (rest allowed) Play My space for whatever. Not required, but may be fun for me to do, or fun for you to watch.

Week 5 Update I. Don't Break Them - 2 pts 1 group missed- 0 pts 1 group uncompleted due to technical issues at provider end - 1 pts 1 appointment - 1 pt II. Make Them - 4 pts Private in depth conversations with someone other than me. - 2 pts Engaged with NF Discord. - 2 pts III. Make Them Stronger - 0 pts No extra credit this week. I had a really bad day. I posted about it here. It was bad enough that had it continued for another day, I would have checked myself in to the hospital. Fortunately, the next day I was okay again. Thank you all for your patience and support. My group on Wednesday, I fully intended to go. When my mom knocked on my door at 5 minutes after the group was supposed to start, I was disoriented and confused, and could not understand why I missed all of my notifications. I said I wouldn't be going, then proceeded (pay close attention here) to call the group coordinator on my cell phone to tell her that I could not call in to the group in progress. It took me 28 hours to figure out that I had placed a call to tell my provider I could not place a call. As I said, I was disoriented and confused. I give myself a pass on this, but I don't earn the points either. On Friday, I had an appointment with my treatment coordinator and a video group. I was mentally foggy and had very important things (like being stood up by my treatment coordinator) that I needed to discuss in the appointment. I made a list. I was not clear headed enough to organize the list by importance. I had a video link for the appointment. I called in to the appointment link. After nearly 15 minutes of me thinking I was being stood up again, my provider joined (yay). Their system was having technical difficulties. She asked how I was doing, I barely answered. I was on a mission. I said, "I have a list. I am not clear headed enough to be sure that if I start talking about anything I will keep to the list. I am going to read to you what the list is, then go back to the individual items and discuss them in detail, so you can help me keep on track." Among other things on the list were, do I have an MRI appointment, getting stood up by her, protocol for if I have an appointment and I'm not getting a response from my provider, and that I wanted to end the appointment a little early so I had time to connect to my group early and apologize to the coordinator about the missed group. After reading her the list, I went back and discussed everything. Something to understand about me, I hate confrontation. I avoid it like the plague. For me to bring up something like a provider standing me up, this is a really hard thing for me. To do it in a confused state, and still manage it, and have everything turn out to my satisfaction, with positive changes on both sides to complete.... I can't even describe how big a win this appointment was. I managed to address every single thing on my list. I got positive progress on the entire list. I finished the appointment early, and she was supposed to call me when my group ended so we could call and schedule the MRI together. On my best day, this would have been a win. On a day when mental symptoms were dogging me, I just cannot describe how pleased I am with how well I handled a difficult situation and did so completely in line with my values towards both myself and others. After getting off my appointment video call, I connected to the group video call. The provider was already on! Win. I couldn't hear her. Oh no. And thus began an hour of her trying to get her side working, calling technical support, me helping from time to time, and eventually me rebooting my phone to see if something was wrong on my end. After I rebooted, I couldn't get back into the call properly. It was already 20+ minutes past group start time. There is usually some kind of lock on the room stopping late comers from crashing the group, so I called my treatment coordinator. We called and GOT MY MRI ACTUALLY SCHEDULED. I have an MRI in 2 Fridays. Then I saw I had an email from the group coordinator. I tried connecting one more time, then called her back. Things were still not working, so she admitted defeat and canceled the group (45 minutes after it would have started, 5 minutes before it would have ended), and I went home. I'm not upset about the technical issues. They happen. I don't mind the time spent. After getting home, I contacted a friend and explained some of my behavior that I thought might have been confusing. I believe it was, but I believe the explanation really helped. I took care to express myself clearly, honestly, and openly, without expectations or blame. Again, I got really good results from a possibly charged situation on a difficult day. I'd be counting my blessings, but I may not be able to count all that high right now. So, great positives from the week: MRI scheduled, better communication protocols with my provider, especially around absences, contact numbers for the main mental health line (for support in reaching a provider if they aren't responding, or other use), and for my provider's supervisor with an open invitation to call her supervisor, a request submitted for some more specific therapy for depression (the bad day and its magnitude show this is needed), and improved communication with a friend.

TL;DR Not doing well. Not so great expectations for the week.