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Zaethe

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Everything posted by Zaethe

  1. Update on Friend C. Received a message this afternoon that basically said hey, other shit was going on that day so I'm sorry for that, but you weren't being clear on what you were trying to get across and now you're trying to justify it by calling it an opinion. Uh. What? My entire point of the discussion: I hate the lockout extension, I don't think it should exist. People would still raid just fine without it, they did for years and years. End of story! But now, of course, I'm expected to apologise for them not being able to grasp that me having an opinion is not a personal attack on them. Fuck that.
  2. I'm pretty sure I've hit the end of my tether with about 99.99% of my friends. I'm growing very tired of the continuing knowledge that I am the afterthought friend. Recent examples. Friend A. Calls me last week while I'm still recovering from this (I'm still still recovering but last week was worse), can I help them with giving their new housemate and his stuff a ride from 35 minutes away to their place. They'll pay for fuel. I'm having a major bout of cabin fever at the time so sure, I want out, but I can only do the driving part, no lifting. Fair enough they say, and we discuss the fact that I have a house inspection the week after, and I can't manage all the housework on my own. Pushing a vacuum cleaner around is still something I don't have the lung capacity for. So they say they'll come over Tuesday of that week to help, as thanks for doing this. I do the drive, it completely exhausts me and I seriously overdid it on the spoons. Tuesday comes...radio silence. I've still not heard from them. Friend B. Only talks to me to complain about their work, their other friends, their lack of money. This friend messaged me asking to borrow 50 bucks...while I was in hospital with a tube sticking out of my back... so they could get smokes and something to drink that isn't water. (They got told no, there are limits to my generosity). Every pay day they have, they spend 50 of it on weed, and the rest mysteriously vanishes into the aether. They never have food, or anything else. They receive far more money than I do, but are regularly asking to borrow extra from me, despite my exceptionally tight budget that barely allows enough to pay for extra necessities outside of food and bills and fuel. Friend C. Talks to me when they're bored. Makes plans to do things with me and conveniently forgets or has to cancel last minute. Will leave me waiting on discord while on another discord channel with an "I'm switching over real soon" for 20 minutes, then show up just as I'm about to log off with an attitude like I'm being graced with their presence. Tonight, they took a comment I made about disagreeing with a specific game mechanic (Raid lockout extensions in WoW, for the wownerd-minded) and made it into a personal attack against the guild we both used to play in before I moved out and didn't have a pc anymore to be able to play. When I got annoyed about this manipulation of my words and defended my right to hold an opinion about something, they left the server without a word and refused to respond to messages on any platform. Considering this is pretty much what I considered my entire close-friendship circle, I'm slightly pissed at the realisation that once again I'm in a situation where I'm' always the fallback. This isn't the first time. In fact I can count the friends on less than one hand who haven't treated me in similar ways to this. And I just feel like it's gotta be something about me. Not even just that I'm an easy target, which is almost definitely true by objective reasoning, but that I must encourage this kind of behaviour somehow, or bring it out in people. I genuinely don't get it, but I'm so very tired of it. I'm hitting a point where I don't want friends anymore, in spite of the fact that I get lonely so very easily. But at this point, I'm already so desperately lonely. I've been in my own home, still sick and recovering, unable to actually go out and do much cause I overexert myself so quickly. No one's come to visit me, and two of these three people live within 10 minutes of my house. No one checks in with me to see how I'm doing. I am very much out here on my own. So at this point, I'm just done. I'll handle my own stuff. Get my house in order, get my lungs working properly again, get my health and fitness back in check. And if people actually want to talk to me, they know where to find me. I doubt I'll be hearing from anyone for a while. And now I've vented out to the void, I'm going to go and cry myself to sleep, so I can wake up purged and ready to move forward.
  3. Oxy is an opioid pain killer, they generally prescribe it for a range of different things, never heard of it being cancer only
  4. Finally replaced the battery in my Garmin, it's been dead for a few weeks. Reset my step target to 3000 steps, and I met that yesterday. Half way there so far today, I'm not really going anywhere so I'm just walking around the house in bursts of around 500 steps. Part of the physio/rehab for my lungs is to add in some non-strenuous activity, and 3k steps is just on the cusp of exhausting me in the afternoon. In bad news, I tried to sleep without the pain meds last night cause I wasn't hurting much. Boy was I hurting when I woke up 20 minutes later. Shakes and chills and aches and general grumps. Dependency on the oxycodone looks like it's a thing. So it was a crap night until I caved at 6am and took one. I've got a docs appointment on Monday to talk about it and see if there's a solution, til then I'm gonna try taking half of one tonight, go for the slow wean instead of a cold turkey.
  5. It's all good, no apologies are necessary. It's just one of those things, I found something that has a negative impact on my life, I can do something about it, so I do something about it. Proactive behaviour saves a lot of grief in the long term. And there's no hard feelings.
  6. So, I have a personal request. If you're going through threads, and you're just liking posts with no intention of interacting with the thread beyond that like, could you not do that here? Your intentions are decent, but to someone with an anxiety disorder, even medicated, it just comes across as "I want you to know I was here and you aren't worth actually interacting with, loser." It's becoming a bit of a mood trigger. Thanks.
  7. It's been a couple of days. Good news is the hole in y back has healed over, so I don't need to go to the docs every few days to get the bandage changed anymore. Bad news is the mould issue in what was my bedroom is getting worse. Pulled out all my reserve spoons and hauled my things from that room to the smaller room, which is mould free, and then slept the entire afternoon out of sheer exhaustion. House inspection is on Thursday, and I'm almost ready for it. Friend was supposed to come over today and help, but unsurprisingly no-show. So I got all the trash cleared out and a ot of the laundry moved to the bathroom, as well as a sink full of dishes. Tomorrow I just have to finish up the laundry, the dishes and make sure the boxes and stuff I haven't unpacked are put neatly enough that it doesn't look like the black hole of Calcutta in here. Then dinner at Dad's tomorrow night, hoping to get up there for about midday and take a couple of loads of laundry with me, cause clean clothes are a nice thing to have. New discoveries, I'm now officially down 12kg in the last month and a half, which is significant progress. Also all the time spent in hospital has almost completely tanked my sweetness tolerance, which is fantastic. I had to dump out an entire cup of tea because two teaspoons of stevia made is disgustingly sweet. Half a teaspoon completely suffices now. Can't handle soda anymore, I've always drunk sugar free stuff but now even that just tastes like syrup water. My stomach has very much shrunk as well, portion sizes have decreased dramatically. A lot of positive things coming from being sick, little silver linings to the crap parts. I've got a six week medical cert, so plenty of time to rest and recover, and on the last day I've got another hospital follow up appointment to see how things are going. I'm hoping at that point I'm going to be able to start incorporating a bit more activity in my day to day. Right now it's mostly just pottering around doing as much by way of cleaning as I possibly can. I'm getting about 3000 steps in a day or so most days, which isn't terrible. My lung capacity isn't great. But I'm trying to maintain a steady pace, not overwork myself to a point I'm making things worse, and build a ladder of positive things to offset the crap.
  8. Thanks. It's not so much feeling bad about it as it is being sick of it. Knowing how to get out of that rut and not physically being able to is a frustrating situation
  9. Self care when sick lesson learned. I've been so hella dehydrated. I've downed 1l of water in the last hour and I feel quite a bit better. Dumb me overlooked the whole I've been running a litle bit of fever for like, three months, which dehydrates you, as well a some ide effects of the meds I'm on, which also cause dehydration. So I've been chilling out with 2-3l of fluids, when I'm needing closer to 5-6l. No wonder I feel so rough all the time, and my hands and feet are like little ice cubes.
  10. I can't count my local friends on less than half a hand, and they have young families of their own to prioritise. The amount of help/company they can reasonably provide is sooooo limited, so it's not the easiest of scenarios. But they help when they can
  11. I've 110% run out of spoons for the week. The emotional crash has occurred and I've descended into a place of miserable apathy that's pretty impossible to actually try to explain to anyone who's not experienced it. I just wanna curl up in my bed fort and stop thinking. I'm so fed up of feeling crappy. I'm sick of trying to make the best of a crappy thing and not actually getting any real measurable successes with it. I've just got no more spoons left. And the time spent doing fuck all to recover some physical spoons adds literally nothing to my emotional spoons. So no matter what I can't win. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, and I've just about had enough of it.
  12. So hospital appointment came with xray and ultrasound, which shows that there's still fluid in the space around the lung. So my antibiotics have been extended by another 10 days. On top of this I got the news that it's gonna take a minimum of 6 weeks for me to start feeling normal and not crappy again. Yay. Unfortunately, life doesn't really wait for health to recover, and I absolutely had to do a grocery shop today or I was gonna end up living on beans and water for two weeks. So hauling heavy bags from the car sucks. But I've now got a stocked kitchen that should see me through til payday. And relatively cheap too. The joys of not cooking for anyone but me, I don't have someone making snarky comments over my vegetarian options. Not buying meat cuts my food costs down soooo much.
  13. 25 minutes til I head out to get to the hospital for this appointment. I'm hoping for some good news but I'm not entirely convinced I'll get it. It's been over a week and I'm still feeling quite spectacularly crappy.
  14. The cough is back. Feeling pretty meh, glad I'm back at the hospital tomorrow to see what's going on
  15. Also, there are a bunch of kookaburras living in the park across the street, this for me is way high up on the list of reasons why I love my apartment. Kookaburra laughs make me happy, no matter how long I live in this country it never gets old.
  16. I pushed out some productivity today, and I feel a bit better. Been getting agitated more and more over even little things, and it's been offsetting my whole outlook. Woke up today hurting, I actually had to take an oxy in the morning, which I haven't done for a few days. But once it kicked in all I felt was restless. So I bagged up a couple of bags of trash, organised all my dishes, finally moved my appliances into the cupboard where I wanted them so I could set up my little tea corner (I like tea, it deserves a corner), did the whole boiling water in the kettle three times to make it usable cause it's brand new, took the garbage bin out to the roadside for collection in the morning. So now I feel better, I'm pleased with the day's accomplishments, even if all that took nearly three times as long as it should have done. It's a start, there's somewhere clean in my house. I can make a cup of herbal tea later and curl up on the couch with it. Dishes themselves can wait til another day, but I did something
  17. I'm eating naan bread and beetroot hummus for breakfast, because I can and it is delicious.
  18. In the back of my head I know, but in the front I just wanna bitch about it I hear venting is good for the soul. Mostly I just hurt still from hospital, and it's getting to me on top of everything.
  19. I've hit this point where I'm just so emotionally/psychologically worn out. Like physically I feel about as healthy as can be expected for being out of hospital about a week. But the snowball effect of things just continually tripping me up is pressing on my psyche. I need to unwind and let go for a bit but I've not quite figured out the how on doing that. Oh did I mention the light bulb in the living room blew? And I can't reach the fixture to change the bulb? Yay!
  20. Oh, no! That sucks!! do you have to wash all by hand now? No, luckily, I have some local friends and there's a laundromat fairly nearby. It's just...hassle. Meeeeeee toooooo. And to make things EVEN better, I messaged Dad and told him, and he was like "Well it was still generous of them to give it to you." Um, what? It was generous of them to fob their broken crap off onto me? What? And then the next thing he says is, maybe it's a cheap and easy fix? With what money?
  21. It's not the hose. It's the pump. So I just bailed water out of a 6.5kg top loading washing machine, spilled bleach water all over about 75% of my actual clothes, to learn that the machine is fucked and I can't afford to fix or replace it.
  22. no not at all, I'm quite used to having nothing in terms of finances it's not a sore point of pride for me. I make it work pretty damn nicely. Just is what it is!
  23. Unfortunately my finances are stretched to their limitations, there aren't funds to hire any help with it, so it's gonna be a diy job. It shouldn't be TOO difficult overall, it's more the annoyance of yet another thing not going smoothly than anything else
  24. An hour of poking, manual searching and turning it off and on again later, there's a blockage in the drainage hose. Which means I have to empty as much of the 7l of bleach water out of the drum as possible into the sink, so I can disconnect the drainage hose without it trashing all over the floor, find the blockage, clear it, replace the hose and then run it again. My father, however, thinks this should be resolved by turning it on and off again ONE MORE TIME. I swear to all things sacred, I'm going to strangle him. I'm too worn down tonight to be dealing with this shit. I'm not fucking around with the jug and the washing machine drum unless my frustration really outdoes itself. Right now I'm simmering on agitated. I would like ONE DAY to go smoothly. I was having a GOOD day before now. I was feeling much better, I spent the day on the couch instead of in bed, I got a little cleaning done. Things were going okay. But oh no, heaven forbid Dalish have a calm, nothing-going-wrong Sunday!
  25. I'm having washing machine issues. This is what happens when your Dad magically finds a washing machine for you. I should've told him no and sorted it out myself. As it is, I can't get it to finish a cycle. Which tells me that the stabilisers on the drum are probably trashed. Which means there's a large hunk of junk in my bathroom, and I'm irritated about it.
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