Bean Sidhe

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About Bean Sidhe

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    Persistent in the Face of Chaos

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    rebel

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  1. This sounds like a very practical well thought out challenge. I totally get the "and I scroll past things all day" problem. Hopefully this challenge will help. I do it too, and then wonder where the day has gone. My department (not company, department) was back in the office BEFORE the rest of the county was out of lock down stating we were essential and had to be in the office (US). My stuff was fine from home. The department as a whole is small and we have been lucky but he county as a whole is on the rise and now most kids will be returning to buildings. Good luck and stay safe.
  2. Tuesday, I did better overall. Aside from the panic inducing morning and the 20 minute training that I thought was 2 things turned into an hour and a half training (without breakfast). The morning turned out okay. By Lunch I had a ton of error reports about the cut over sent to buildings an the response back was not a "WHY are you being annoying" and more of a "Oh thank you for catching these" By the end of my work day, I had gotten a project and finished it for my boss and even made the database results look pretty for a meeting this morning. And for the first time in like 3 weeks I got off on time. I was in a good mood. Then I went to my mom's house... She was a pain in the AM when I put her walker in the car because work phone kept going off so she decided it was going to be a horrible day for me. When I got there after work to take it out, it was guilt city and an even bigger deal. Including bitching at me for opening the door with a mask on (to scare off the door to door Vote for X person) and how its my fault I get election day off but she can't get a single holiday off (I work for the local government, she works for private institution). (I was talking about taking my first EVER vacation day the day before election day to get a 4 day weekend, but I am scared to take too much vacation since someone needs a hip replacement). I came home mad, but eventually calmed down. Then the day settled in and I got more boxes done than the day before which felt good. So all in all good day besides her. I even got in 3 walks (all shortish because of rain and cold, but still). Did I get all pts in: Needed Possible Earned Strength 3 14 4 Flexibility 3 17 9 Life and Family 7 22 15 Fight Chaos - Clean 4 12 6 Fight Chaos - Purge 4 12 5 Walking 2 6 4 Fuel 5 15 6 Total 33 98 49
  3. Thank you for having faith I will win against the fires. Some will be hot but short fires, but a few of them are long term, constant problems that may not go away for a very very long time.
  4. Overall the day did get much better until I dealt with my mom (That is an ongoing issue). The work cut over started on Friday, Monday was the big "first day" but I realized I was more worried about Tuesday since Tuesday would be the "We finally have time to call and complain" day and so far, it hasn't been that bad.
  5. You mean everyone doesn't have a cat help them with their challenge writing? Huh... The challenge sounds great. I am going to check in when I can. Good luck
  6. So day one was okay. Work: The big day of "cutover" happened, and it was strangely quiet. I don't know if it was quiet because in the world everything broke and no one had time to call or if it went well. The knees swelling is continuing to go down. But yesterday was day 1 post steroid and I still have some swelling. I still may need the shot which I am not looking forward too. Challenge wise I did okay, except exercise. In my head I only needed 2 boxes so I did 2. I needed 3 so I missed a box on day one. Ugh. I am kinda mad at myself right now, but I am also in a panic attack ever since I got up and I don't know why. Hubby has had to tell me to calm down 3 times and I have only been up like 30 minutes. Today is going to be so much fun. Did I get all pts in: Needed Possible Strength 3 14 2 Flexibility 3 17 6 Life and Family 7 22 12 Fight Chaos - Clean 4 12 5 Fight Chaos - Purge 4 12 4 Walking 2 6 2 Fuel 5 15 5 Total 33 98 36
  7. Thanks I don't expect the fire extinguishers to work. I am just hoping the fires in some cases finally burn themselves out before I get any more burned out. Glad to have you here. Thank you for the support.
  8. So I was going to do my long winded "Here is the story so far and here is where I am and my current mental state" but honest, I can't be bothered to do so. I am tired, I am drained and mentally, emotionally and physically OVER EVERYTHING. Lets go with "Life shouldn't suck but does. Besides Hubby, I am the only one doing Anything it seems in like 4 places and again, I have very little energy for it." Challenge boxes are good for trying to recenter and refocus and deal with anxiety. Mental health is questionable right now on a good day, let alone a bad. Not everyone is always kind or well, human. And work is a giant mess that I am now charged with cleaning up. So this challenge is about me, walking through the fires around me (metaphorically) and trying to get back to something that doesn't make me go "Well, stop being a lazy ass" Challenge is very minimal, because I need the win. If I can do this consistently, maybe I will up it mid challenge, but I doubt it. IT starts today because putting it off won't help. As Youngest Agent sits down to Watch Buffy, I am now singing "Walk through the fire" in my head. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 14 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 3 1 Leg lifts 3 1 Reverse sit ups 1 sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 raised Arm circles 1 Knee exercises from dr 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side lunges 1 Desk push ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 17 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Bridge Do 3 1 Ballet/toe Touch 3.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad stretch 1 Side stretch 1 Forward bend Life and Family 1 1 thing for mom a day 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Check Yappy Dog's night water bowl 1 Work on Christmas 1 Work on Thanksgiving 1 Take Calcium in AM 22 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Nightly Downtime 1 Text/Talk to one family member a day (Chosen or Blood) 1 Water an inside plant 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Be in bed by 11:00 1 Floss in morning 1 Floss after work Do 7 1 Floss before bed 1 Check Dad's email 7 1 One good thing 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 12 1 Desk 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 4 1 Bathroom down 4 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 12 1 Basement 1 Sweater/Jackets put away 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Deal with mail sorter on my desk 1 Clean up plants Do 4 1 Bathroom down 4 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 9000 steps 6 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 1 Take Agent K9 for a walk 2 1 7 hours with 250 steps do 2 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 15 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 5 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Take Probiotic 5 1 < 3 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 120 oz of water 98 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 28.00
  9. Here and following. You got this and really, doing even 1 or 2 things is better than doing nothing. You got this. I am going to try and be around more. So yeah, I am sure that will come back at me at some point.
  10. New fun thing, my middle finger on my left hand has felt jammed or something for a couple of days now. Its not swollen around a knuckle. FML. I still don't have a good plan. Hoping to work on challenge stuff today. But I was also told by the boss not to work this weekend, so I am trying to avoid it. I have people (not boss) reaching out to me, but yeah, Honestly, right now, I just wanna go "And everything will be fine" when I am not sure it is.
  11. No worries, I Know others have lives and while it still hurts, I am doing better than others. I do the yoga and stretches anyway, but I just worry that I am not going to be able to do those either. There is so much uncertainty and not in the BIG world picture, but rather the small world picture that I should have control over.
  12. For whatever reason, maybe its hope, I am trying to think about next challenge. I am seriously thinking about calling it something on the order of Bean Sidhe walks into the fire since its going to be that kinda world for a bit. Reason 1: Work gets weird starting Monday and will go through week 1 of weird, then the OTHER HALF of everything does it a week later. I am expecting overtime and late nights and chaos. I keep referring to the fact I gave everyone gasoline and matches and now to contain the fire, but that is the days the matches get lit. Boss is being great about "Take time off and see the family" but I feel like there is a ton of pressure on me (not from him, other department directors) to make sure this goes well. UGH Reason 2: the knee. I have not idea what is going on with it. Hubby says the swelling looks down, but if it doesn't go away by next Wednesday, then I need to go back to the dr with cortisone shots as the next answer Reason 3: The Parent... She started new PT (1 day out of pool, one day in back to back) and its been bad and shes well Mom Reason 4: Grief and shock over the loss of my friend. I am also trying to support those hit harder by this since they saw him more. Which is draining sometimes, but I am dealing with it because I know its even harder on them. Reason 5: the kids school changes and I don't know what that means yet for day to day stuff. Reason 6: Part of me needs to get back to doing what is good for me since it will help. But there is so much uncertainty (see above) on top of pandemic world that it is hard. So I look at the challenge and start to panic I am going to mess it up, then I say do just 1 or 2 things, but then what if I end up needing the cortisone shot and am not allowed to do stuff. Reason 7 People (mom) are already all wound up about Christmas and I can barely get through today and stuff due in the next 3 days. Reason 8: Still not sure my Grandma is out of the woods. Turns out she is still retaining fluid and refuses the Oxygen from time to time and is confused from the brain damage so forgets why she is on Oxygen or the meds. And then the anxiety and the depression go to work with panic and overthinking. And the "But what if the weather gets worse and walking at lunch becomes a no way" and then the fear of failure and more emotions and stress and I get stuck at what to do. So then I just spin and spin and spin. so no good plan here. No good answer for "hey, here is what to do" . Just concern and chaos and I need to make some decisions. Anyone got ideas? How do I handle this. I know I can do the full challenge I set up this time and I should, but I see the "Or not" option being too close. Especially if I can't walk as much or cannot exercise. Then what? Why can't someone just do the "and this is what to do to make this all better and lose the weight" moments. Rant over.
  13. I missed a day but am here again. Work is bonkers and deadlines changed for the group that I support and all of them looked at me and said "So did this change?" and I shrugged. Mom is a piece of work. PT changed days so I may not be over there 4 days a week instead of 3 since she can barely walk. They moved her from Water therapy to gym therapy 1 day a week and she is hurting. Sister B came over last night. We were talking that morning and both needed family time. She works 3rd shift so it can be hard to get together. We both missed him, but both realize its not going to hurt as much since we didn't see him daily and agreed we are worried for those who did. IT was good to see her, but now I miss Chosen family all the more. Got an update on my grandma. She saw a dr today (first since the hospital). Not great news, and she is so confused she is not taking meds, so my aunt will be trying to get her to take them. Knee swelling may be down, but its hurting again, so anxiety me is a mess
  14. The TLDR version – I am mad, frustrated and angry that things are out of my control. I am sad, depressed and almost hopeless that things that should be a good thing I can’t celebrate or get taken away from me. I am drained and confused because everything I try to do goes sideways and I can’t seem to do anything right. Oh and on top of all this, the anxiety that pairs with the depression is having a field day. The long version. I was all set up to do the last challenge. Life was looking good, I had gotten out of school, I was ready to get into the next phase of my life. Then the job opened and I was okay, but anxious and worried, and that derailed me. I just couldn’t focus anymore. Work got crazy due to we hit the crazy time (I now know this) and I kept waiting on interviews and then the job was mine. I should be all excited for the new job, but not much has really changed work wise. I have most the same jobs, but I get paid more, but there are things that need sorted that we haven’t had time to sort, like if I am moving offices. I haven’t seen an official piece of paper on the job, but I know its mine. I am happy to be staying, but lets just say I don’t feel like I ever get a good thing. I called my mom to tell her I got the job, and it became all about her and how horrible a day it was. I got my big moment taken away because she had a bad day at the dr. Xrays showed arthritis. This last week, I took her to see the Ortho surgeon, and they are saying she needs a hip replacement. So I finally get a big kid job, and now I may need to take off to do the rehab with her. The worst part is, the dr says she can’t have it yet because she does not have enough tone and condition (Muscle strength) around that hip to make the rehab manageable. So right now, we won’t know anything until Dec, but she has rehab to work on getting it stronger. I am hoping for surgery in May (for numerous reasons) but if we do that, Agent Eldest also graduates HS and I feel like that will be taken away too. But for all I know, Christmas may be overshadowed by the whole hip thing. Hell, I can’t even figure out if I can take a day off if I need to because I may need the vacation to take care of her. And during all this, she is back to needing me almost daily for dumb stuff. For 3 weeks now, I get an email saying “You need to pick up my groceries on this day at this time” without consulting if I am free. I am over there for a couple hours a day doing random stuff. The Dr recommends a walker, and next thing I know, after work I am going to get the walker and an hour before I leave for that, I get a text she didn’t want to wait for the prescription so I need to go across town to get that for her. And anytime I make a comment about “Well, I have work…” I get a bullshit “Welcome to working full time” response from her. Also she told my brother complete lies basically. She said the dr blamed her weight and didn’t listen to her. I told him what is really up and now he has the idea she will need long term care and be wheelchair bound. I told him I can’t think like that right now. Right now, I am dealing with today, I can’t focus on the “What if the surgery goes bad” Bs. I need to get past the litter boxes and her kitten peeing on the sofa and the damn groceries. Oh and Brother doesn’t plan to be home anytime soon or to help with the recovery because why not. On top of all this, Agent Youngest has been complaining that I am never home and she never sees me. But then when I come home, she doesn’t want to spend time with me. I just feel like I am failing them. And my knee rarely hurts, but is still swollen, so I may need to uproot us all again and get that looked at and possibly drained. Which scares me because I JUST STARTED working full time. So I am angry and frustrated that all this is on me. That I am trying to figure out what I want to do from here, but every time I try and take step forward, even a small one let alone these huge ones, I get thrown back. I am sad that I can’t have a single minute of “Look what I did, be proud” because everyone has to take it away from me. I am hopeless that any of this will get better anytime soon. I mean my mom I could be caring for like this for a year or forever. And she will continue to treat me like this without a thank you or offering to at least reimburse me for a WALKER. I will be honest, the anger and the depression are bad. The anxiety is acting up of “What next” or “What if I don’t pass the one thing I need to get officially the job (there is like 1 rubber stamp approval I need, but it’s been postponed thanks to Covid outbreak)” . I am just unsure what to do or how to make myself get out of anger and back into the “well just get it done,” state. So I am going to go backwards in my challenge and while I am not quite at “Just do something” state, I am making it super easy on myself. Only 33 pts will get me the day. I can always do more on better days, but I am making the bare minimum much easier. Hopefully I can get started and do better. We will see. Mostly, I just need kicked to remember to things. I do better when I check in here. So here we go. I deal with emotions this time around and try to just get past the anger and the sadness and the “Why bothers” Points and categories below. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 14 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 4 1 Leg lifts 4 1 Reverse sit ups 1 sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 Push ups 1 Knee exercises from dr 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side lunges 1 Desk push ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 17 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Bridge Do 4 1 Ballet/toe Touch 4.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad stretch 1 Side stretch 1 Forward bend Life and Family 1 1 thing for mom a day 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Water Garden 1 Walk Garden once a day 1 Do one thing to settle into new job 1 One thing I can fix. 22 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Harvest 1 Text/Talk to one family member a day (Chosen or Blood) 1 Water an inside plant 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Be in bed by 11:00 1 Floss in morning 1 Floss after work Do 8 1 Floss before bed 1 Check Dad's email 8 1 One good thing 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Pull weeds for 5 minutes Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 12 1 Desk 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 4 1 Bathroom down 4 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 12 1 Basement 1 Clean 1 thing in file cabinet 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Clean garden binder 1 Deal with 1 random organizing project Do 4 1 Bathroom down 4 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 9000 steps 6 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 1 Talk Agent K9 for a walk 3 1 7 hours with 250 steps do 3 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 15 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 6 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Take Probiotic 6 1 < 3 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 120 oz of water 98 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 33.00