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Bean Sidhe

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Everything posted by Bean Sidhe

  1. So Yesterday STUNK. Actually, I have worse words for it, but I don't want a Mod getting mad at me. I woke up anxious to start. Had an email from work that told me it would be a bad day. I walked a short walk, but it was something. Left for work at 7 Insert Work Drama I was trying to avoid Rehab center returned my call from Monday, They said Mom was doing nothing but crying. I told them about her "Curl up and die" comment, the memory issues and a few other things. Sounds like she may come home on Monday. Here we go. I was so upset by the rehab call, I went and walked the building. Came back to walk in on more work DRAMA IN MY OFFICE, which then became a bigger deal. Was told we are losing the fridge, microwave and Kurig, so we had to clean those out, plan a new fridge, the rest of the stuff we could replace with what was around the house. More work drama that I was not actually involved in, but supporting Office roomie through (who remember, lost both parents in 48 hours after Christmas). Left work at 4, and went to Rehab to call Medicare. I had the right idea, but I didn't have her last day of insurance. Ugh, got the idea, I have authorization now to call whenever I need to without mom, so that is done. Otherwise Medicare went well Mom was more drama about wanting real food (She wants SALT and crap food). How Home is going to fix everything, and she isn't thinking through what is really going to happen at home. Left rehab at 545. Got home at 6. Grabbed Hubby and went to take care of Mom's cats After Cats, went and picked up a new fridge for our office. It is so CUTE, (this is the highlight of my day) https://www.bestbuy.com/site/insignia-retro-3-1-cu-ft-mini-fridge-with-top-freezer-cool-mint-green/6410013.p?skuId=6410013 had 4 people remind me that if we lay it down to get it home, to not use it for 24 hours. Hubby helped me take it to work and drop the box in my office Went to the grocery store and grabbed a few things. Cookies being one of them. At this point, Hubby keeps saying I had a week instead of day so they were medicinal Ordered food online and drove to pick it up. Got home at 8 pm. Thank goodness Agents can feed them themselves. Snuggled Youngest for a bit. Boxes didn't happen. I came home and fell into the couch and didn't move till bed. Was in bed by 9:30. I had melted into bed when I realized I didn't know where one of Mom's checks that I needed her to sign was. So that prevented sleep a bit. So far this morning, Anxiety is a mess, Mom has a Dr appointment, Check was found, shoes were lost. and I need to do about a million things and Agents have after school stuff today. This is why all I feel like is why is bad stuff always happening to me?
  2. For the record, I would totally follow a blog or something about the homestead. I love following that stuff since I would love to do it, but we are no where close. And up-cycling is big now so I totally understand doing it. Good vibes en route to you.
  3. I really needed the time with him. We are actually talking now that all 4 of us have boosters about maybe a small chosen family thing, but as soon as I think about doing it, I get to questions of "What about K9" and "What about Mom" and I get all worried that I will have family here and have to deal with her BS or that it will the day we lose K9. and then I go back into the really bad place I was yesterday of "why is everything hard?"
  4. I Know, and that is one of the things that I do not want. I am using that as an indicator of how is he, it seems that Hubby doesn't see it the same way. Yeah, I didn't try calling after I remembered the reason I was off work. I am going to try to today. Hopefully I am not on hold for 4 hours after work in the rehab center room with my mom.
  5. Update first since I am a mess this morning. My anxiety is through the roof and I just kinda want to go back to bed. Sunday was not so good. After Brother S left, went to take more stuff to mom and have her sign paperwork. She was just all tears about how she shouldn't be there anymore, how everything is wrong and shes done too much. She is tired of looking at the same 4 walls (she only leaves the room for PT or OT. She could go for a walk in a wheel chair (according to her) but refuses, she keeps the blinds drawn and does not even leave the door open to talk to people. She is isolating herself) and its all bad. When I asked "Okay what would you be doing at home, maybe we can work on it here. I literally got "I AM GOING TO CURL UP IN A BALL AND DIE. JUST LIKE HERE" Well, that's nice. I gray rocked her and didn't react, waited till she was done crying like I have been doing, but that is always lovely to hear. All she talks about is coming home and doing nothing, not letting anyone in. I have called the social worker at the rehab center, but no response yet. The problem is this plus Agent K9 caused extra drama in my life and I spent most of the day crying or just noping out. Things were tense and more than once I wished I hadn't had the day off. I did some research on medicare, but I don't know what the hell I am doing till I talked to the medicare people after work tonight. Mom also sent a very tense message about probably finding out on Friday if she comes home Monday. She then said "If you have questions, talk to Social worker" I did manage to get boxes done, and an episode of Buffy with Youngest who was falling asleep at 7. But this doesn't explain my current level of Anxiety where I am about jump at nothing. I did get one work email at 8 Pm last night that may explain part of it, but I dunno. Right now, I really just want to call in sick and go back to bed until I feel like my heart is not going to race out of my chest. But I can't because I can't take the sick day if Mom might be coming home and I may have to care for her.
  6. This is something I struggle/struggled with too. Enough that It took having full dental surgery to fix my lack of brushing to start to care. I do okay most days, but even now, I will be like "Eh, I can skip it right?" Nope. It sounds basic, but its hard, it takes way more spoons/energy when learning, and when its not part of everyday life. You will get there, but it takes time. so don't be hard on yourself. I had to tape a post it note on the bathroom mirror to learn to do it, or at one time, I used the same "cute fairy picture" at all the locations of habits I was working on to remind me to do it. Its basic when its been done forever. When its not a forever thing, its hard. With everything you have going on, it is hard. You are not playing on easy mode. Do what you can. but when life is like this, it is okay to go "Well, lets do what we can, and the rest can wait."
  7. Look at you go. You have been seriously cooking. You are like taking that kitchen by storm and doing things.
  8. Thank you. I am so over being in this spot, and Mom is starting to act like she did when Dad died which was BAD. so I am not seeing an end here. If anything, we may be going backwards.
  9. Update since Friday Saturday was an okay day. Went and saw Mom where I was told I need to get her a bedrail by her. She is not sure she can sit up from a laying down potition on her own. was trying to show me what was on Amazon, got mad when she was pushing the Prime switch the wrong way, threw the phone on the bed and lost it for a couple of minutes. I just sat there and waited. Hubby saw the whole thing. She ended with "get me a bed rail, do the medicare stuff. Whatever". After that, Youngest was doing okay with Covid Booster (Better than I did) but it was still kinda a chill evening. I did get boxes done, but honestly, I am tired of doing everything for everyone. Sunday we didn't see mom. I was doing the medicare research. Looks like we need to call to get it set up, so I was going to do it today, but federal holiday, so calling tomorrow. I did find the paperwork to fill out so I can talk to them without Mom, but that may take 6 months. I got a bed rail ordered from walgreens, but it will take like a week to get here. Brother S was here overnight and we had a great time. reminds me how much I miss people. However, Agent K9 and Yappy Dog had a 'Spat" last night which is new, so now even more worried about K9. But hubby said I could contact the rescue about a Puppy we were looking at to ask questions and I did that this morning. Its very final feeling, but K9 is getting worse (he's drooling again and his breath is starting to really smell like it did before surgery) which were signs Hubby was watching for. We are at 30 of the 60 days today, which is not a great sign. I am worried we won't get the full 60 day average. No boxes Sunday because Brother S but worth it.
  10. I am trying to do something for me. The problem is, I just don't wanna. This is more a matter of me doing what I need to than what I want to. Because if I did what I wanted to, I may be out of a job and hiding in my bed and not coming out. Hes been acting off of late. Last night, I thought i heard the start of a dog fight. No idea which one got upset, but the other must of backed off fast. Not something we have EVER HAD, so yeah, not a good sign. Hubby is now seeing what I have been seeing and he let me send an email to a rescue that has a puppy that might work for us asking for more details on the puppy. We will see, but not something I really want to do. Thanks. I am sadly getting use to it. But thank you for the support. Honestly, its stuff like this that makes me think I am not going nuts or whiny when I say this is getting out of hand.
  11. That is sadly how my life goes. Its a mess of "How does one react to this" Mom is now in a full on mess over the whole rehab thing and wanting to come home. Do not recommend. Honestly, I am over the whole scenario.
  12. This is awesome. I am so glad it is working out for you. Sadly, the internet has a limited number of new house Gifs. But here you go, time to move
  13. I swear this is my house. even the downhill Rabbit Hole as we call it. We are at 19 years married, but the sugar crash is when we don't get snippy. we get feeling guilty we are upsetting the other one. Glad to hear its not just us. Thank you. I like to think I am still trying. But its hard. Especially when I am like "This isn't going to help if I don't do more" but at least I am trying to not give up entirely.
  14. Pretty much. I was talking to Office Roomie and she was shocked to realized I have been running at this speed at least 3 years (maybe longer) and with no real breaks. She thought I was only at 2. But maybe I am just at a limit I can't push through, but the only things that are getting forgotten are cleaning my house and similar. I want to get better. I want to be healthy and not feel so tired and dead. But honestly, I don't know if that will ever happen. Especially at this pace, but at least I can say I am trying right now. THANK YOU. The meeting had some ideas about how to make things she won't change safer, but she is already "I hate that idea". well, its that or you fall. Pick one. I just need to hear that this is worth it maybe.
  15. Updates and then replies. Yesterday's care meeting went well I thought. She is staying at least until her Dr appt next Weds. I found out they will not just send her home with no notice, but actually I will have about 72 hours notice to get food and things. Sounds like they are going to send home healthcare to work with her on OT and PT and if we schedule it right, it will be like 5 days a week. I thought things went well, mom was moody after. I went back later to make sure computer worked on wifi for today's meeting with her work about retirement and it was all the guilt, I don't feed the cats and they are horrible there. I dunno. It was all tears and no one cares and guilt. I was so happy after the first trip. The second trip SUCKED all spoons out. I ended up coming home and parking it on the couch to watch battle bots with Agent. That helped, but exercises and stretches were another day issue. Just from life, I got all the other boxes. so that is progress right. Agent K9 has been limping with a back leg. Not sure if it is the start of arthritis or what. He is eating again but only the like SUPER PUREE food and he is sleeping a ton. Yappy Dog is getting Jealous of K9s attention and misbehaving. And I admit, I am not being as patient as I should be with him because I am mad. I am mad he is here as a sign Mom can't take care of her life. I am mad that my parents let him do pretty much whatever he wanted so he feels entitled to everything. I am mad that he is healthy when hes a jerk and my good boy is dying. So I need to be nicer, but it is hard when right now, I just want have no patience for begging when we eat, or barking at nothing, or jumping on my lap to beg attention when I am petting K9. I know I cant say "this is why K9 gets this" but its still one more thing that tugs at my patience when I have none. I am still too tired to care about food or be hungry. I am still too tired to care about much. And Honestly, if Hubby probably wasn't making me eat, I would be in bed. Which is upsetting if this is my depression, but I am still trying to do things. Especially since it looks like I will be in charge of Mom's retirement paperwork and planning. But that is today's update. (Spoiler, She is shutting down like when Dad died and didn't want to do the paperwork/planning/notifying work. She wants to have me do all the research adn planning, then give her the plans, wait for her to say "Whatever you think is best" in a whiny voice, then make decisions for her.).
  16. Here to support. @Tateman Also to remind that doing something is better than nothing. So even if you change things up to be easier, its still a win over doing nothing. (Now to remember my own advice).
  17. Yay for good news. I can understand the need for calming tea. I hate moving and buying and selling. it is so stressful. Hopefully everything goes well and you will be in the new place soon.
  18. So no word yet from Rehab on if Mom is coming home. Apparently there is a meeting today about how she is doing, and Mom invited me, so guess I am going. Challenge wise, I am doing smarter things, but I am tired and it makes the smart things I am doing feel lazy and dumb. I am kinda okay with the Lazy smart things, but I tried to explain it to Hubby, and he got worried that it wasn't a good sign. For example, I am drinking water again. Well, I am drinking Propel and flavored water and getting over 60 oz a day. But I admit I am drinking from pre-filled water bottles because I am too lazy at the moment to carry my favorite water cup and to fill it all the time. Its simpler to just grab another bottle. Which is dumb since at work its further from my desk, but its a thing. Also, since my covid shot, I haven't really wanted tea. Before it, I was guzzling tea because it was in a bottle. After my shot, it was water or gatorade to keep me functional. Now I either don't want my tea, or I drink maybe one to 2 bottles instead of 4. I know this is a good sign, but its another sign of me being "off" Another example, yesterday I walked about .85 miles at lunch. But I walked laps of the parking lot because I couldn't be bothered to get in the car and drive 5 minutes to the trail. It was effort to drive that far. But I went outside saying "Do one, maybe 2 laps" and I ended up doing 4. But it is the sheer fact that getting in the car, driving, walking, driving back sounded like so much work and I wasn't sure I would walk enough to be worth the extra energy, even tho I know that trail is a much nicer/less cars walk. Another example, Last night we were talking about dinner and I said I really didn't care. about dinner since I was too tired to want to eat. I know eating is good, I know eating is required, but I was too tired to want anything. Food is a Required for life, but its not something I want. I wanted to go back to bed. That he couldn't wrap his head around that I just didn't want to eat or care about what it was. I dunno. I still wonder if I am recovering from the "Hey Surgery" stuff with mom, or my covid shot that was 1 week ago yesterday. It could be my depression kicking my ass and making me tired. There are too many options. But part of me is being proud that I am still making better choices. I am still trying to drink the water than not drink anything or just tea. I am trying to walk even when I would rather put my head down and sleep. I am trying to make sure I eat instead of just going "eh, not now" Maybe this doesn't make sense. Maybe I should be worried this is a symptom. But its kinda working so I am not as concerned since it is better than the "Or not" alternative that has been running through my head constantly. I dunno. I mean should I be worried.
  19. So I started to go backwards and thank/reply everyone who has been hanging around and listening to my venting/whining/frustration. I know this is not the fun "YAY" challenge, and I am feeling TOTALLY isolated between pandemic cutting off visits from Choosen Family, Blood family being well, blood family and too focused on their BS. Work I literally had no one in my office of 20 people talk to me for 3 days (while I was in the office), its been hard. And knowing I could lose my puppy any day is not helping. So thank you for sticking around and supporting/cheering when you can. I really do appreciate it.
  20. I am hoping she is starting to see that she needs to alter things, but yesterday she sounded like she thought she was going to go back to not needing anything at all because she is going to get better.
  21. Thank you for the hugs. I need/needed them. This whole process is so isolating and it feels like everyone is trying to make things harder.
  22. So Tuesday was okay. Work was still rather awkward and people are overthinking everything. I am still heavily thinking of leaving, but finding a place takes spoons and as I told Office Roomie, I could just walk out like Hubby wants, but we have so many other things going on, I am afraid I would get stuck as Mom's full time personal caregiver or not find a place willing to work with me on her care. I saw mom and she was surprisingly willing to have an actual conversation about her coming home. Not yelling, not crying, but productive conversation. She hates it there, but we talked "How are you going to move the walker into the house up 3 steps" or "how do you get the bag of stuff you take up with you up the stairs with you" (She seems to be all set on using the second floor of her house again (????)) She even talked of driving but she won't while she is on pain killers. I think the big thing is she realized this time last year, she was moving the walker in and out of the car and house and now, she can't do any of it. No idea yet when she comes home, but she doesn't think I should be nearby the first few days. I dunno. I wish someone would actually talk to me about what is going on... Ugh I really didn't want to, but I did get boxes done last night, I was tired and done, but I did it. 57 pts out of 26 needed. I really feel like I need to do better with my challenge and boxes. My back has been giving me fits, but I don't know what to do about it. I know logically stretching and exercise will help, but it takes spoons.
  23. You got this. I am glad the termites were not nearly as big a deal as it could of been. Keep breathing, you go this.
  24. So this is HUGE progress Flea. I am so proud of you for realizing the progress as well as making the progress. Being able to say "No, I don't deserve to be surrounded by Trash" and you can't wait to cook for flavor and fun are HUGE. I am so proud of you.
  25. Oh and Agent K9 update. He's switching between eating and not each day.. He's growling at things that never mattered before. I have found bumps on his ears too, so I am worried the cancer is getting to his brain. Mom keeps asking for an update and it's kinda "yep still dying" This all sucks
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