Bean Sidhe

Hey, did you get your sheets changed for today and take that shower. That being said, I have about 15 things I need to do today and right now, I am mostly dressed and all I want is my bed. so it is not just you who is tired.

Everything feels challenging now. I hate I get tired walking when I didn't use to. I hate that I am just tired in general all the time. I will get there, but ugh, I don't wanna. The upside is the OT money will help. Things need done both at home and at work. But right now, I just always feel behind and that I missing things and I am so tired it is hard to play catch up. I just need a few days of sleep. that being said, its 730 and it is farmers market time with youngest agent

So I am going to try and be more positive for a bit. We will see if this helps thing to be proud of I am not as stressed since Coworker went out on medical I walked at like 8:30 at night since I like 3000 steps - it was the short, but I didn't let the fact I needed a flashlight stop me.

Hello all Well,. this a better sign. I am here twice in one week. So far challenge wise, I have done okay. Not amazing, but (knock on wood) I have yet to miss a getting all the boxes in one day. Not saying it will last, but it is something. My steps are varied because while I am trying to get back to actual walks, some days I am just tied to my desk all day. There were a few days where lunch was not great. I had one day where I had a meeting over lunch, I came back and literally sat down when Boss told me to go help New Guy (I may need a new name for him) since he needed help on a report he was not ready for. Took me 4 hours to get the report done for him (the last hour was me creating the pieces and another half hour saying "Hey, put this in and then do this). that day I got lunch at 4 pm when I was shaking adn excused myself to go eat in about 5-8 minutes. I have had some serious OT and I am not happy about it, but it needs to happen especially when Boss (Same day as lunch issue) changes my priority 3 times and says everything needs done by end of day. It is a good thing I can work fast and multitask and almost 12 hour days don't help. Home has been actually okay. Aside from the leaking roof at Moms (we think we fixed it) not much is going on here. I need to get school supplies for Youngest who starts next week. Brother S is moving in as well this week. I am doing what I can, and while my selftalk is horrid (I need to lose a billion pounds or Why can't I get more done a day) and my depression is bad, my anxiety is slightly better not worrying about coworker or what they are doing. So yeah, not sure if this is improvement, but its something I think. Back to work.

HI I have never had the cross pollination problem, but this is what I get from going "That looks fun" when buying plants. But They are doing really well, so I give them credit for that. You showed up, it doesnt matter when. Hopefully you got a post up if you wanted too. I am horrible right now about following others. That is next challenge. LOl

Glad to see you. Work is a mess, but with coworker out, it means I can actually stress less because I don't have to monitor what mistakes he is making every day. I can actually stop watching my phone as close. Although his first day out and he tried to call to talk to a couple of us. No one picked up since he is supposed to not be working. Welcome back. I am not yet at a point where I am around like I want to. I miss my daily checkins. But I am trying to do something. Thanks for the spares. I will need them. I am rather annoyed that the pepper plants had to have an attitude at me.

Apparently I have a couple traitor pepper plants. new goal, to mark the hot ones so I don't keep having to take test bites. Love you, I missed it here.

I am still alive. Work officially got harder. Coworker is out on medical leave for the issues we all see now at the busiest time of the year (at least 45 days), so I am doing things mostly solo. 11 hour days at work now. At least I get OT. In challenge news, I am actually doing okay. I have gotten all my boxes every day since 7/24/2023. There have been some days it almost didn't happen, but its something. Highest day was 62 out of 89. min is 21 pts. Brother S moves in with us for the next year or so, starting next week. Yay to having him, but it will be a change. And I walked today even tho I didnt want to. Still no spoons here. I am trying to rest and sleep, but I have other things to do.

Example of my morning. I went outside to grab sweet peppers off the plants for snack. Good thing right. I test bit one of them, its NOT SWEET. The test bite is due to about a week ago, I grabbed a pepper off the counter and just bit half of it off. I was crying for an hour. Now I have 2 traitor pepper plants and I hurt and this does not bode well for today because my mouth is on fire from the tiny test bite. Off to work I go anyway.

I don't know how to change the title. so it stays. seems appropriate that chaos is winning and I didn't know i used it before

Thank you. and

I just realized I titled the new post the same as this one. Wow, I am bad. Maybe I will change that

So I have been trying to sit down write out a "Hi, I am back, the world is still dumb, sorry I disappeared" post for a week and a half. Honestly, I have a word doc with notes and sentences and gifs and stuff on my computer open with these things. But the way I am writing this shows its not going well. I didn't mean to take last challenge off, it just fell off my radar. I was emailing @fleaball and told her I was just out of spoons. But this challenge has come around, my weight is a new high of 315, I am tired, I am stressed, and I feel like I work and come home nad collapse every day. I stopped all walking. I stopped doing boxes, I just kinda existed and I hate it. So I am trying again. Things are still bad at work, its the busy time, great time to reset. I mean I worked 12 hours yesterday and 11 the day before and well, more than that the week before that. So yea, I am back. I am doing boxes. I just need to do something because I really really can't keep doing this. I need my life back. Adding the Gifs I had collected to make a fun Hi, sorry I left post. Ugh, the second gif link is bad. this annoys me. Maybe someone can get it to work. I need to go to work. its almost 6 am. https://scontent-ord5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/226379337_4383410528346736_5132151508722304137_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gGYkAQEWJ4UAX9_P2BD&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-1.xx&oh=00_AfDjuxZqXChxAZ9OwtVa9z_Fsu4QpYDgXXCZaFV9uEJ9SA&oe=64C8DD5D (This is my life. Someone send spoons or help, or reminders that this is not what life is) That last sentence is really bad and I want to take it out. but at the same time. That is truth for you

In bad news, Coworker messed up BIG and new guy was trying to tell me it was okay because everyone makes mistakes. Meanwhile, found this on Wednesday before I left and I spent 2 hole days plus OT cleaning it up. but it is fine. (No, its not since I reminded him to do it). Then he tried "training" someone on something he hasn't done in 2+ years (but is a basic requirement of the system) and he confused them and they were totally lost. I told him to please stop and while I know he was trying to help, it made it worse. Apparently he talked to Roomie during 1st day of cleanup asking "Why is Bean mad" and apparently she said I wasn't mad, just horribly stressed out and busy and stuff like this wasn't helping when he can't even fix it. In amazing news the countertops are finally in. They were installed yesterday so we are hoping to hook up plumbing and maybe actually cook if not tonight, then tomorrow. I am hoping to start putting the kitchen back and then we can do the backsplash towards the end of June and then we will have a done kitchen. I lost the challenge around mid may. I am mad about it, but I have had no energy or motivation. I have a dr appt at the end of June (which will be all bad news) so I need to start doing something now. I am thinking about just setting up the new challenge and restart now that plants are outside, there are no seedlings, (all the cukes died, so seeds went in to the ground). I am hoping now that I can cook and we are not living on takeout I will get some motivation somewhere. And I really want to start walking at lunch again. I ahven't done it since my knee got bad and I miss it and even second and roomie agree that it helps my mindset. BTW, did I ever mention that depresssion sucks. Anxiety sucks, hopelessness sucks. So maybe when I start putting the house back together, it will get better.

I need to remember that, however, right now it feels like I am doing nothing. Its annoying. Thank you I am all for the running away option. I am in the same boat and I know I am uber frustrated with people and I am not the patient person I want to be. But at the same time, the whole "Why do you do this and add more work to me" is so frustrating.

I hope so. I am just getting so tired and the wall is so close I just keep hitting it. I just keep hoping if I can do enough, get enough rest, maybe I can skip hitting the wall

I am not making progress. Lets break down the list right now. Still no countertops. Supposed to be installed Thurs, but no one told us they weren't coming till Hubby called Thursday. Turns out either the contractor didn't have the material to make it, or they were waiting on the place we bought it from to charge us something and they didn't get paperwork. Now hoping for next friday. I hate this whole project. If its not ready then, we are thinking of finding another place. Mostly better with the sinus infection. However I have some sort of weird drainage still going We won't talk about my migraines Basement is still a mess. Its better, but stuff is still just shoved places and Hubby is "redoing"some sections with the leftover cabinets Mom still lives and getting twitchy Finals are both over. Eldest Agent graduated with an AS, but now has to get ready to go for the BS. Youngest still needs to drive more nad is broke but too young to work Scale is not improving since we are on week 6 of nothing but takeout. Even the spots I could clean are no longer clean, which leads to anxiety because how do you clean when the world is still in a holding pattern and no one cares anymore I literally have been super high anxiety, Yesterday at work I took 2 walks around the building, and both had a section where I knew I wasn't on the cameras so I flaied and blew raspberries to relieve tension I literally just think I am failing everything and that there is no hope. Seedlings are dead, nothing lived - so now I need to buy all my plants Work is getting worse. Boss actually told me yesterday (after I have been talking to second) that I wasn't in trouble for something I was sure I would be and I had nothing to be sorry for. But at the same time, Coworker is digging deeper and trying to use me as a lifesaver, to the point I don't get my work done, new guy wants me to basically work out of his office since there is stuff I finally handed back to him with questions that the data is wrong and I need these 3 different reports changed, but he never learned the data so I am supposed to tell him exactly what to change. I really think there is something medically wrong, but he thinks it is related to Covid. I told him its been going on longer than that, because he finally asked me and I said "Yeah, you have been having issues since at least December, maybe longer, but it is getting worse and you need examples to tell the dr" but he didn't know them. And we won't talk about what Anxiety is doing about "If/When Coworker goes" and I have to pick up his job and I will be the only person with any idea how to run the system and read the data and answer questions from the public, internal and run the system. And in planting my farmers market seeds, I found one of the garden beds is rotting out, so of course we are starting a new project today to use retaining wall block to build a new bed. I have all the time for a project this weekend AND nothing is bought yet. So yea, I have been coming home so worn out, Nothing is getting done, and I even forgot the probiotic for 2 weeks, and I am tired, beat up, worn down and I have nothing left. Can something please go properly? AM walk happens on work days, not always doing anything else. I am even missing lunches again because work is such a mess. the upside is I got out my bow last night and did a small bit of arching, but I wish I had more time and I am mad my shoulders are sore. And I may set up a family visit, the problem is, I may have to do it without counters since they will never be here. Hubby's mom asked how the new cabinets look, we joked about sending her a picture and says "we like the clear countertops, but they are not the sturdiest of things"

Hugs not dead, just done. I really am over things.

Thanks, this whole situation is taking soo many spoons. Especially since I have noticed he is trying to cling to me to "save" him, and I am trying politely to keep him from doing it . Are you finding that it is draining as all get out. I spend entire days with him still trying to get me to help him, or with him making bigger messes that I need to clean up that I don't get anything done and I come home feeling like someone drained me of everything I had and I just want to go to bed.

Pretty much. I know multiple people are over him outside our department and they will tell me that they really wish they didn't have to deal with him. I had a building head tell me once after working for us for about a month and a half they already knew not to work with him. Our department is like 4 people including me. Hes the one that should have the most knowledge, but that is not the case. hes been working on this system the longest, and its frustrating to know I am working so hard to hear him spend most of the day making personal phonecalls, walking into his office to balance his checkbook (for the 3rd time today) and then have him ask me how to do his job. Anyway, I am letting him fail and seeing where that goes.

Still in a mood. Apparently fake week is here, so that accounts for some depression and the new migraine. But I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of everything. I am trying to get excited, but everyone (work and agents and mom) need me to be their brains and I am saying no, so then when the world goes to a mess, I have to clean it up and then deal with the guilt of not helping or of being mad that they didn't do it. Yesterday went better challenge wise. I got 75 pts of the 44 required, 86 total. I still didn't feel like I did enough, but I tried. I got on the bike for the first time in a bit and that hurt, so that's sad. Also noticed I had lotion legs twice on my challenge, so now one is Put away, not down so that fixed that. Total steps 10322 Going to try and get stuff done since we don't have agent things tonight (School is almost out, all the agent stuff is ending) and maybe even get to bed early, since I may need to get up way early because there was an issue with a program at work and it took down our main software when we ran it. So Next scheduled run is 3 am. I may get up to check it.

The sad thing is, my coworker has been there 15+ years. He has always been this way and they let him slide. He doesn't even try to code, he doesn't understand coding and had the Learn SQL in 10 minutes a day book on his desk for 2 years and never did anything with it. He is supposed to do more the GUI and the here is how the software works, but we all know he will make up an answer when he doesn't know it. So yeah, he just doesn't even try. half the time if you ask him a question, it puts it into the software systems help desk to have them answer it for him. Can you tell I am a bit tired of this guy and they make 20 K more than I do? Agreed, if they tryin< I will help. I did help him numerous times and I even sat there 3 or 4 times and tried to help him write SQL. But it turned into "Type Select, not show, type Select, no type S - E-L- E-C-T" and don't ask how it went after that. But I am done doing his job and mine. He has had someone there for most of those 20 years he could ask and they would help him, or he could ride their coat tails. Hes a nice enough guy, but I am under so much pressure since even tho we are full staff, I am still operating a full person down since the new guy has YET to pick up anything that would help me and what he does do, it takes 4 - 6 mo for any results. I don't think its a shocker that I stop helping him, and now he is on the edge of getting to a point where firing is an option. I just fear if he leaves, I will have to figure out how to maintain his projects in languages I don't speak.

HI I hope things are better, you have had a week. Here to support.

Welp, I missed a set of boxes yesterday. First day I have missed since I started last Tues. I am annoyed since it was the food box and I honestly forgot to eat a veggie, I had my mothers day cupcakes after dinner, and I didn't track any food. So I missed all the boxes. My steps were low, but I did things, even if they weren't walks. I got stuff cleaned and it was a calmer day after dealt with the mom thing. Still mad tho. I should of been better. I need to stay better. I am too big and I know its bad when my head says things like "I need to lose a million pounds" or "I will be like this forever" or "I am bigger than a whale" or "The house is always trashed, I am shocked any of us can find anything" ect If i can get the boxes back in control, I have seen it help with this self talk. And I know this is a HARD place, but the self talk has been really bad the last few days (weeks) and I need to get something done. so missing that one box feels like I will fail again, so why try. Never mind it was mothers day and a million other things. I feel and see the slide of "I missed one box yesterday, why bother today." So trying to do boxes. Not feeling great about it. But trying. Really tho, I am so done with things. The couch could win. Dumb Trolls in my head and dumb brain being a jerk. I hate anxiety and depression

Well, we have the weekly take the trash out down to about 4 minutes and we run. I know she is not happy about it nad shes making some winning guilt faces, but thats what I can stand atm. Then its an hour of "errands" so I can calm down which is bad, but shes not seeing it. I know right. I am finally going to have a kitchen so I can make a salad or a grilled cheese. or dinner foods. Hubby actually texted his sister "thanks for the ding, you got us out of MIL". her only question "I take it shes still crazy". Hubby gave her the real story, so she was happy to help. Normally I want to be like "I am choosing to leave" but yeah, that was wonderful since she looked like she wanted to try nad get me to talk and I was an anxious mess. I swear, something about holidays since we did this and I keep thinking "This is the one where she is going to go nuclear meltdown on me" which is sad on its own. I was just glad that second agreed I was having issues nad its the same issue Second is having with this guy. And yes, Coworker is in trouble (but not as close as I thought), but I generally was of the "I can't do my job helping him all day." which Second agreed with and was able to make Boss listen at least some. And I have started the documentation file of how often he comes to see me about his job or his kid, and what is said. I just need to be able to do my things and have him leave me alone. Apparently he wants to cross train to learn my stuff (Note, he has no code/SQL experience and can only run the GUI so I am not sure my showing him how the reports are run. Today, he called me into his office to ask about a helpdesk ticket that is for me that he got. He asked me "When do we run this report?" Every morning. "Right, so have we run it today?" (Its 1 pm) Yes, "So when do run this report?" Every morning. We come in, we sit down, we run this report plus 2 others and send it to the state like we have every morning for YEARS. (That was when I left). As much as I am tired of him, I really think he has some cognitive issues going on and I do worry for him.