alices

This last challenge was a total fail. I'm going to scale it back this time around. I just want to: do at least SOME meditation every day walk the dogs even just around the block hold myself to one item with sugar in it a day It's best if we don't discuss what the current situation is like. I did mediation with my ex last week, and instead of making a deal, he insisted that I be evaluated for parental alienation. If I refused they were going to ask the judge to order one and she apparently always grants requests for evaluations and tests. This way I can make him pay for it and we got to choose our evaluator, but it's still terrifying to me because even though I'm not doing anything at all, parental alienation is not actually a thing. There's no test. There's no diagnostic criteria. Some sites say you can be guilty of alienation even if you're just unconsciously not supporting the other parent, which I most definitely am not. It's just terrifying. If she comes back that I'm not alienating the kids, it's golden. If she comes back that I AM alienating the kids, I'm going to lose both the little one and the big one who tried to kill herself to get away from her dad, and what will happen to her then? And what am I supposed to say that doesn't sound like I'm trashing him to the kids? He beat me, he controlled me, he's a diagnosed narcissist. The big one has had nightmares about him her entire life and as I said, finally attempted suicide to get away from him. He screamed at the little one when she said she wanted to live here and gave her a panic attack. His wife has introduced herself to teachers as their mom their entire lives, and punishes them if they don't call her mom. They won't tell me anything, not what happens at doctor's appointments, no school information, nothing. They've fought hard against letting the little one have her inhaler and sent her to me last week with a severely infected finger they hadn't treated or gotten looked at by a doctor. That's not new--they're terrible about getting the kids medical care in a timely manner. So how do I describe my situation without sounding like I'm not supporting him? I'm not supporting him, he's terrible. But that's not why the kids don't want to live there. They don't want to live there because he's terrible to them, too. It's a mess. I'm just terrified about it. And I'm trying to spring clean my house before the evaluator gets here, but I'm not sleeping at all. I was up until after 3am last night. And I'm just eating everything.

*hugs* My lawyer talked to opposing counsel yesterday because my ex is now demanding that I change the time and location of the next exchange and when I refused he said, well then I'm taking it. We don't want to go back to court before the scheduled mediation the first week of September, because they're booked in that court and we'd have to go in as an emergency and my lawyer thinks the judge will frown on an "emergency" hearing that doesn't involve actual physical harm or the risk of it, but I don't know what other recourse we have. Today I send the ex another email about letting her come to the good school here in my city. It's one of the top schools in the state. He's willing to steal that from her to spite me. *sigh*

I'm so impressed with your calm and your focus. I have so much to learn from watching you work.

I LOVE YOUR CHARTS. I'm a big fan of metrics. I need to start doing some charts. I'm so proud of you!

Not great. I've had a lot of pressure from the ex about the school. He sent me an email informing me that meet the teacher (at his school, not the good school she'd go to at my house) was during the exchange time for her this Thursday, that it ran from 6-7pm and therefore instead of meeting me at 6pm at our standard exchange location he'd meet me at 6:30 at the school. I was like, you can't just tell me that you're changing the time and location of the exchange. That's not how that works. Then he said, and we have to buy her a clarinet and it's 50/month, I'll take your 25/month at any time. I was like, wait, what? Her sister rented a school instrument for 50/year, is that no longer an option? Then I said, you know that we're going to get her back either at mediation the first week of September or from the judge in October, and she'll move schools at that time, why won't you let her move schools now? I'll transport both ways. Silence. Except: "I didn't mean to ORDER you, I just thought you'd want to do what was best for her." And I'm like, what's best for her is to go to the best middle school in the area, and the 6th best in the state. But I was able to hold with my eating and walking and meditation. Then yesterday morning my lawyer said the first day the judge can do an all day hearing isn't in October but actually December 17. Then I got an email from the middle school at his district saying that actually, meet the teacher is 5:30-7, not 6-7pm. Ergo, when he said we had to exchange at 6:30 so we could have equal time what he meant was, exchange at 6:30 so he could have twice as much time at the school as I did. THEN we were at parent orientation for the older one (who he is currently banned from seeing except dinner once a week and at family therapy and who is going to the high school the middle school *I* want to send the little one to feeds into, the top one in the state and 16th in the nation as of this year) and he messages, from the front row, halfway through the presentation, because he wants me to give him her student ID number and my zip code so he can get onto her online account. And I was like, you lied about the time of the meet the teacher night, you lied about the instrument, you interrupted her principals presentation for this non-urgent thing, you're impossible to work with, no. Meet me at 6pm at our regular exchange location. And here's her ID but if you can't find my zip code that's on you, you have my information, I'm not your personal google service. Today I spent 2 hours this morning at the middle school fixing her schedule and then came home and called his district to get a copy of whatever they gave him when he picked up her schedule there because I can't keep going back and forth on this with him, it's like arguing with quicksand. The entire district is apparently at a training and we have to wait till tomorrow. I'm waiting for a callback from my lawyer because if we can get into court this week or early next week, I want to go in and hit him with violating the order a zillion times (8, just this past week) and tell the judge about the panic attack he caused the middle schooler, and argue that she should allow us to take the kid to the good school. I don't think my lawyer will think it will fly. He's really good about only asking the judge for what we can get so she always thinks of me as a reasonable human. I always harangue him with all my things that I want and he says, these two are what you can get. Or you can't get any of those, we're not going to ask. I came home and put the toddler with my high schooler and went to my room and meditated. I did 3 sets of 3 minutes, because that's how long could focus. Last night when I came home I put the toddler to bed and then walked the dogs until I felt less jumpy, and it took about an hour. Those poor creatures are so out of shape that one of them was lying on the floor panting for a long time when we got back. I'm doing really well with keeping to my things: no sugar, do some cardio, even if it's just walking the dogs, and meditation. So even though I FEEL terrible, I'm actually doing pretty well. School starts Monday (for my district) and Tuesday (for his) and after that we're basically just waiting for mediation in September. It's going to be bad for a while and then better. I heard a podcast where a guy was talking about a time some cop insisted he smelled weed and made him sit there for an hour or so as he called dogs to search his car and he said, I was upset about it but I was on my way to a client for work and I decided that I'd already spent an hour on that officer's issues, and I didn't think I needed to spend any more of my life on someone else's problem. And I'm trying to embrace that. Like, my ex has a problem. I've spent as much time on it as I have to. I don't have to think about him or deal with him again today. But it's easier to say that than to evict him from my head.

I'm on gabapentin right now, and I don't think it's causing the heart rate issues--my heart rate's been high for a while now, since before I was on the gabapentin. But definitely I want to be taking less. I was initially prescribed it to help with the anxiety related insomnia, and now I'm extending that to daytime use as well. I've been back and forth with my ex since the divorce which will be 10 years ago this October 23rd. But I think this is the last one. The oldest is 14 and the youngest is 11. Once she's 12 he can't pull her back over her objections. He's conceded the 14 year old to me, but is refusing to give up the 11 year old. If she can go to the magnet school she's gotten into, it's better than the school in his district and lightyears better than the school she's zoned for at my address. If they won't hold her spot in the magnet school (I'm trying to get into see the principal to see if they'll hold her spot till after mediation or god forbid, final hearing in October) she'll have to go to the crappy school or I'll have to drive 30 minutes each way every day to take her to his school, and the odds of her getting in next year are slim because there's so few spots for non-returning students. If I lose her this time (unlikely but not impossible) I'll have to pay for legal next summer to try to get her back. I've given him documentation about the schools and everything and he's still refusing to let her go. It's just so awful. He knows he's putting her in a worse school and risking putting her in a terrible school, and he knows he's separating her from her sister, and he still won't let her go. I'm hoping that the cardio and the meditation can get me to a less hysterical place day to day. I'm so serious and just barely holding it together all the time, which isn't great for the kids.

I'm in the tail end of a custody fight with my ex--we've been doing this for 14 months. We're almost done. We're scheduled for mediation the first week of September and if that fails, for a final hearing in late October. I'm going to win, but he can derail the 11 year old's ability to go to the top middle school in our area and he's said that he intends to do so. The next month will be crunch time. I'm so stressed I feel like I'm going to have a stroke on the regular basis. My psychiatrist says I should take as much of my anxiety medication as I want and just get through it, but I don't want to just be drugged out of my gourd. (Although let's be real, I'm definitely taking more of the anxiety medicine than I was before.) Accordingly, I want to increase my meditation time. I can't do sessions of any length right now because I'm so stressed that I can't keep my focus for any amount of time, so I want to start doing several shorter sessions throughout the day. But I saw my doctor and she was not pleased with either my weight or my heart rate. She said, I don't know if the heart rate is the anxiety or if this because you're not doing enough cardio, but either way the answer is more cardio. Do 210 minutes a week of cardio, every week, come back in six weeks and let's see how you're doing. And ALSO, if you're eating sugar again (I totally have been eating sugar again) you need to cut that back out. My goals, therefore, feel a little bit schizophrenic. 1) meditate 15 minutes a day, in however many sessions it takes for me not to lose focus 2) 210 minutes of cardio a week 3) cut out the sugar Normally I wouldn't jump to such a high cardio requirement from the current cardio level which is nothing, but she seemed hella serious about it. And I know it seems weird to go directly to no sugar instead of cutting it down slowly, but I've done this before it's better to go cold turkey because it takes about a week of it completely out of my system before I stop craving it.

ok great, thank you so much!

I just finished my first 4 week challenge and so now I'm supposed to pick my guild for the second challenge. I'm definitely a druid. Is there some sort of approval policy or do I just say I'm a druid and post my challenge goals?