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About Ensi

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  • Birthday 04/02/91


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  1. Ensi: Treasure Map 2018

    Urgh, it was a hard day at work. The work itself was fine, but the negative coworker completely drained me, and I started having violent fantasies about 1 hour before closing time A couple of good things came out of it, though. One was that I was able to see what really bothers me: if I'm helping a customer and it takes me more time than "hmm, let me see" to help them, she jumps in and takes the customer away from me. It makes me feel like she's constantly monitoring my work, and doesn't trust me to do my work well. This, in turn, makes me feel incompetent and bad at my job. I'm going to ask her to stop doing that. I think I can handle her negative BS if she just lets me do my work in peace. The other thing was that when I got home, Vinnie started chatting, and I told him about this (not giving him the name of the coworker, though). He thought that her behaviour is really annoying, too, and agreed that it's a good idea to tell her about it. I thanked him for support, and he told me that I can always talk with him if something's bothering me. I'm still going to vent mostly to Mom and my friends haha, but I'm glad that he was so supportive Anyway, I noticed that I kept thinking about the negative coworker (we all have imaginary conversations in our heads right???), but I'm sure it's gonna get easier once I tell her about how I feel about her behaviour. I've done two biking workouts this week, and it has had a huge impact on how I feel. I don't feel as bloated, and my mental wellbeing has improved: I get around much easier and quicker now My body seems to function best with cardio like biking and rowing, supported by bodyweight and kettlebell exercises. I'm going to do a strength training workout today, and eat well I'm also going to keep reading some language tech articles and do some coding. If the weather stays sunny, I might bike to a nearby forest and go for a walk there. Life's good!
  2. The Doodlies Reconnect

    Hmm, I do think my style could be a bit more "sexy pancake"-ish So, here! Nice to get back in touch with y'all
  3. Ensi: Treasure Map 2018

    You have had a lot on your plate, too...! I hope you've found some time to get yourself in balance, as well Acceptance always helps with everything. It's not easy, but it helps me to think of it as "seeing things with compassion". I don't know exactly how to "accept" (it's not a feeling) but I know how to feel compassion. It's a very good time of year for me to get back to that groove Have a happy weekend, Shello ** I've done two 50-minute biking trips this week, and they've had a very positive effect on my wellbeing I have work today, so I'm taking a rest day, and I'll do a strength training workout tomorrow. I'm trying not to work out too much, but to slowly build my fitness back up after being sick and all. Small steps...! I went to talk with my language tech instructor yesterday, and it was so great! I really enjoyed talking about linguistics and computer science with someone, who actually works in the field x__x She was really happy to hear that I have experience with all sorts of coding, but she's also really supporting and likes to tell me that I don't need to know everything and that I can always ask for help I'm so happy to finally belong in a group that I can work with! I've played around with all sorts of programming languages and techniques, and I'm happy to finally put my skills to practice. We'll see how this goes As said, I have work today. I'll be alone with the negative coworker and with a quiet girl, who got kinda clingy last summer during our internship. Fun times ahead :DD I actually managed to be friendly with the negative coworker, but then she started loading me with her personal stuff, and it got really heavy. She's a fine coworker, but I still don't want to be her confidant or friend. I simply steered the discussion back to work as well as I could, or left to do something else (we have to sit in the same space for several hours). I'll practice some more today
  4. Ensi: Treasure Map 2018

    Phew, I've been busy! But not overwhelmed or stressed I've managed to code the group assignment pretty nicely, and I try to wrap my part up today. AND I got my bike back from the repair shop!! I took it to a test ride around the town, and it was lovely. I've missed biking so much x__x I'm happy to have it back in my exercise repertoire. I've also decided that next winter, I'm going to find a gym where I can use the rowing machine or stationary bike a couple of times a week. This winter was pretty weak in terms of healthy exercise (the laundry and the stress from studies and work made me a bit messy), but I'm happy to be where I currently am. And now I know that it's important to do healthy exercise, even if it gets busy My current goal is to go biking 2 times a week, and do 2 strength training exercises a week. I'm happy that I've been able to code this week. I've had trouble with it during the past few weeks, and I've already thought that I've dumbed down and forgotten everything - but then I realized that I, an introvert, spend my days doing customer service and being constantly in contact with people (some man grabbed my hand for a second yesterday when giving me the payment for his papers, and even if he didn't mean anything by it, I got so utterly disgusted that my soul aged at least 300 years :DD I hate being touched by strangers). I'm not dumb, my brain is exhausted. I had a day off on Monday, and I went to a coffee shop alone and worked by myself. It was the loveliest thing in a long, long time...! I also coded a lot, and started to feel like myself I'm taking this into account better now, and I try to find some moments of calming down during the workday. I realize now that I've been too tired to be active here, too! I've started to miss being active here...
  5. Welcome to the 2018 battle log of a modern Pirate, Carbon Fox! I will track my challenges of 2018 here, and I aim to become a balanced and Those of you, who have been with me all year long, know that 2017 has been a pretty eye-opening year for me…! There was this whole realization that I had serious issues with my relationship with food, which helped me see that I had/have a deep-rooted belief that I am worthless and difficult to love. I’ve spent most of the year learning a whole new way of looking at myself and my life in general, and it’s been a mixed bag of emotions: I’ve been relieved to let go of some old beliefs, but grieved of letting go of familiar things at the same time, if that makes any sense. I also finished my thesis, which was mentally tolling, suffered a heartbreak + an identity crisis, had some financial worries, and got myself a second job to earn some money. Well, that’s life, and I think I can say that I have done my very best to deal with everything. And after dealing with all the challenges this year, I do feel like my quality of life has improved significantly this past year I used to think that I’m a loner and hate people, but after a few years of spending time with actual friends and lovely/supportive people + working on my negative beliefs, I now enjoy having friends around me and I understand just how supportive close friends can be. I just feel like I’m emotionally closer to people these days, and I am making a conscious effort to notice what I have in common with others instead of thinking how different or unfitting I am. I have met some wonderful people this year (hello new NF friends!), and I’d like to believe that I’m worth of receiving unconditional love and support – and that I’m capable of giving unconditional love and support, too! So, all in all, I think I'm in a much better mental place than I was at the beginning of 2017. I’m now gonna make a short recap of 2017 and write down some goals and guidelines for 2018. I’ve been struggling with goal setting this year because of my recovery (how to set goals without restricting myself?), but I recently realized that setting goals doesn’t mean that I need to control myself 24/7. I can make goals that I’m happy to follow. 2017 RECAP MENTAL HEALTH anxiety levels are waaaaay down from January 2017 eating disorder recovery. 10/10 would recommend I don’t base my worth on my diet choices or my grades or my work I like the idea of getting to know new people, and I know how to set up boundaries I enjoy spending time with people NUTRITION from diets to intuitive eating no anxiety about certain food groups (carbs are the best!!) no more labelling foods good or bad -> I’m not good or bad (I’m evil) awareness that some foods make me feel better than others more food -> not thinking about food all the time not feeling out of control around food FITNESS eating more carbs -> actual gainz!! I now believe that I can follow a programme and get stronger started working with startbodyweight.com programmes I can do push-ups! STUDIES finished my thesis completed all the courses for my master’s degree made plans to continue computer science studies WORK had a summer internship at the library odd jobs at the library during autumn got myself a second job at the laundry got a fulltime job from January to June 2018 FINANCES got student support from the social services earned money at the library a second job at the laundry ** 2018 TREASURE MAP You know what 2018 needs? MORE LOOT. I have neglected fun and relaxation, but that’s gonna change now. I’ve actually taken some steps to make space for more fun already, but now I’m taking it seriously. No, wait… I’m also terrible at rewarding myself for my efforts. I will have some special loot for completing every challenge this year to keep me excited I think all the mental health work I have done during 2017 helps me to start 2018 like no other year before! I suffered from some depression and exhaustion at the end of 2017, so I’m going to start 2018 lightly with a recovery January. Should be fun! <3 WHERE I WANT TO BE IN JUNE 2018 MENTAL HEALTH I manage my stress levels and practice positive self-talk. I believe that I’m a likable person, just as everyone else, and deserve love and attention. I take enough time for myself to have fun, and I sometimes take the day off from work and studies all together. I have taken the university's free stress management course in January and continued to apply the techniques I've learned I manage my disordered eating habits by filling my life with things that bring me joy: hobbies, art, spending time with friends, travelling, exploring my own home town, having Introvert Pampering nights, watching movies… I have finally bought myself a PlayStation 4. Ha! NUTRITION I practice intuitive eating. I enjoy food, and eat it to nourish myself. I eat mostly home-made meals. I am aware that the foods I eat can make me feel different ways, but no food makes me good or bad. I don’t think about my diet or my food choices all the time. ... but I am curious about how different foods make me feel, and I am taking some notes to find out, which foods suit me the best. I have spent the spring building myself my own food guidelines, which I follow whenever possible. FITNESS I aim for flexibility and a good sense of my body -> yoga, bodyweight exercises I started the year by taking it easier in January, treating my exhaustion with yoga and light bodyweight exercises (and push-ups, yo). From February onwards, I have continued with the progressions at startbodyweight.com. I go out for walks in the nature, and I enjoy biking trips. I do a workout from Darebee every now and then for fun! STUDIES I have applied for the master’s degree in computer science, and attended an entrance exam for bachelor’s degree in CS. This doubles my chances of getting in I have created 5 new projects for my coding portfolio during spring, and I am eager to learn about new web technologies and design trends. WORK I have gained work experience and made new connections. I have asked people for help, when I’ve needed it, but taken responsibility about my own work. I have kept my eyes open and discussed what I could do for the library with my computer science knowledge in the future. I have sold five (5) art commissions. FINANCES I have continued living sparingly, and saved a good part of my salary every month. By now, I should have enough money in my savings account to pay my rent for the next year. I am also going to find out about the possible support I could get for my second master's degree from the social services. ** ... that's about it, I think! This plan is for the first six months of 2018, and I will plan for the rest of the year later on. I'm super excited to start planning my challenges and goals - and loot! I have a feeling that it's going to be a good year And of course, I'll be rambling on NF forums all year long I'm interested to try some co-op gameplay this year...! But I will think about it a bit more later on. Thank you all for being so supportive, lovely and pervy. Let's have a wonderful year 2018!