Ensi

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About Ensi

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  • Birthday 04/02/1991

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    Finland

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    assassin

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  1. The BFBM (Big Food Big Mood protocol, as we will call it from now on ) worked wonderfully yesterday...! After having a big lunch at 11:30, I wasn't hungry until 3:30 PM - and even then I wasn't really that hungry, I just needed to eat before going to theater with my friend. Nevertheless, I'm gonna aim to eat every 3-4 hours so that my bloodsugar stays stable... I had evening snack at 7 PM, and another small snack at 11 PM before going to sleep. I listened to music before going to sleep, and started sleeping at 11:55 PM. I woke up at 6 AM, feeling a bit hungry, but I managed to sleep another two hours. Now I just had a big breakfast, and I noticed that I respond to eating much better already: I start feeling good and warm/relaxed while eating, and I assume it's because the constant snacking has kept my hunger cues really faint. All in all, I now have that same feeling of ease I had last year (but this time I don't need to work on fear foods, unlike last year when I had to learn that eating carbs was OK), and I'm not thinking about snacking or sweets all the time. I'm happy to continue this way The illness seems to be subsiding, too, and I'm gonna return to working out this week. I got in one strength training workout last week and a lot of yoga, so I was short of my goal by just one strength training workout...! And I don't even feel bad about it, because I was sick and couldn't work out. It is Monday morning, and I have a math class later on. I'm gonna relax today and read a book about stress I borrowed from the library yesterday. It's specifically about being nervous about certain situations, like social interactions, holding presentations etc., and I figured I might find some tips or new perspectives. The book says that stress can be seen as a resource instead of something you should avoid, and I like that idea I'm nowhere near as stressed about the interview as I was last week, because I've set my demands lower. I had set such high demands on myself that I was already freaking out, but now my only goal is to go there and discuss! I was gonna work on the portfolio last night, but took the evening off instead, which was a smart idea. I feel rested and ready to face the new week now, and I'm gonna prepare for the interview. wait this scene didn't end so well for Thor
  2. You're super brave to go to the Ninja Warrior!! It's gonna be fun I hope you recover from the injuries soon!
  3. It is really easy to not notice, indeed. And yup, I have stuff to do, but I feel like it's not overwhelming...! My interview is in the afternoon next Tuesday. I do feel nervous about it, but I just try to be open and honest about my skills and goals. Then again, I try not to make myself to stop feeling nervous - worrying doesn't solve anything I focus on the math courses and getting my portfolio piece ready. I also watched Legally Blonde, and I'm ready to face whatever comes my way.
  4. Ensi

    Wolverine has been sent to a wrong timeline

    I was so happy to read about how you treated the angry Mom situation. You've had a lot of stressful situations, but you've stayed aware of your anxiety, and answered rudeness with kindness. Maybe you don't care about her opinion, because she can only see one side of you, and not the whole truth of what a wonderful person you are Super proud of you. And I'm happy to hear that your boyfriend's surgery was a success! Keep it going, you funky little Wolverine
  5. What?? I find it hysterical when I find the right roots!! And numbers make sense!! ... well fine, maybe you could spend your Saturday night otherwise for example, I haven't played Playstation in a while. Might need to fix that tonight... ** Oh my god y'all, there's a crow sitting in the tree outside my window, and it's totally doing yoga. ... oh, it just pooped. Anyway, I had a Big Breakfast, did my laundry, and while I waited for the washing programme to finish, I went for a short run. Just light jogging and walking, because I'm still not at 100 % health. I came back home, and did a light strength training workout + push-ups 4-4-4. I dialed down the push-ups for now, but I'm starting to build them up again The Big Breakfast helped me get through my morning without any hunger, and I had lunch at 11:30 AM. At that point, I was already starting to feel hungry, and I ate until I was satisfied. I have a good feeling about this I woke up last night hungry, though, so I might need to add a small bednight snack to my daily meals - especially on the days when I work out. Other than these occasional nights when I wake up hungry, I'm sleeping well. The relaxation techniques have helped with the nervous system overload, and I've worked on the beliefs that cause me stress. I'm especially happy that I realized that I can see the interview as something like presenting my work to my teachers: discussing and explaining. I'm also happy to notice that math isn't impossible, and it's actually really relaxing to go over the assignments and learn new things. I've always thought that I'm bad at math, but now that I've studied coding, I know that I can approach math from a problem-solving perspective. Today's agenda: study logarithms, finish the portfolio piece, play Playstation. Let's goooo
  6. That's great to hear!! The big lunch ("big" - maybe more like "optimal") made a huge difference in my day: I didn't think about food, I felt good and relaxed, and I only needed a small snack in the afternoon before I went to have sushi with my friends. Come to think of it, I didn't have any cravings today, and my mind wasn't wandering around sweets or snacks. My cravings haven't been the problem, they've been a symptom of the actual problem, which is that I haven't been eating enough. Now I remember how I felt last year when I started ditching the diet mentality - safe and warm. Gonna keep this going! Maybe you could just add something to the side of the meals? A fruit for dessert, berries with some cream, something like that? Or then just have a larger portion of whatever you're having for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Just eat until you feel satisfied There's a lot of information going around about how you should feel when you eat: "stop when you're almost full", "wait for 20 minutes before taking more food", etc. And I'm sure that's good for some people, but for me, it just makes me feel guilty about eating until I feel nourished and satisfied. But I know how I'm feeling today, and I know that this works for me. REBEL!!! Meeting my friends was lovely and the sushi was DELICIOUS. I've started to really enjoy sushi lately, it's so goooood. (I couldn't eat sushi without feeling guilty a couple of years ago because of the white rice and carbs, but I no longer have any guilt or fear around them. How effing sweet is that??) I've walked a lot today, but yoga hasn't happened yet... Maybe I'll do a yin yoga practice before bed. Homework has taken much of my time today, and I'm gonna keep working on a couple of math problems a bit more Square roots and logarithms, what a fun Saturday evening...
  7. I realized something really important today: I've been worrying about how to eat less sweets and snacks, when in fact I should pay attention to whether my main meals are big and satisfying enough. Because they haven't been that in a long time I've been careful around mealtimes and scared of eating proper breakfast/lunch/dinner, but during my morning walk today it clicked in my head that the cravings for sweets and snacking are a clear sign that I'm not eating enough during my meals. It makes perfect sense! So, today I'm having bigger main meals and see how that affects my cravings. I had meatballs, potatoes, salad, and some bread and butter milk (I avoid dairy, but my love for butter milk prevails) at the university's restaurant, and I ate until I wasn't only "not hungry", but satisfied. Now I feel good and calm, and I'm not thinking about my next snack I've been really struggling with snacking and cravings (and the snacks have been mostly unhealthy), and now I remembered that this is the way to end it! Besides, the snacking has made me eat less during mealtimes, because "I've already have a lot today". See how the circle works? "I can't eat much, I've snacked so much" -> "I need a snack, I'm hungry" -> "I can't eat much, I've snacked so much" etc. So, today's agenda: big food, big mood I went for a morning walk, and I'm gonna do some yoga later on, and possible a light strength training workout! I'm gonna ease my way back to it after the illness... I also started working on the portfolio piece yesterday. I was ready to face some serious struggles with styling with CSS, but everything fell into place easily?? I realized that I've practiced so much that if something doesn't work, I understand why it doesn't work, and I can look up help online. So, I'm nowhere near as panicked about the whole thing anymore, and I actually had fun planning the design for the portfolio piece. Whatever happens, everything's gonna be alright I'm having sushi for dinner with my friends today (part of my "get out of the house" protocol), and uhh. Now I'm gonna have a cup of coffee. Have a lovely Saturday, everyone!
  8. It is, like, the rarest niche (humanities + tech). We have a course on information Extraction, I might take it at some point! My job in July involved annotating texts so that we could train a programme to recognize the genre of a certain text (a recipe, a blog text, etc). It's an interesting topic, because language is such a messy system that even humans don't always understand it...! But yeah. I think I'd rather keep it as a side-business, and focus on web development and such Oooh that totally makes sense to me! It's taken some processing, but I've started to take pride in my "mutant" brain I mean, it's another SISU thing for me: not letting the knowledge of just how little I know to get in the way of learning and getting better. I guess it's also about knowing, what I want: I don't want to develop the mathematical programmes to analyze language, and I'm also not interested in getting waaay deep in the web development... at least, not for now. I guess I'd like to add that it's about knowing what I want now and focus on that I know that I want to learn to create websites, so I'm gonna focus on that. I know that it's realistic for me, and now the best thing for me would be to be in a team. Sure, I feel inadequate compared to some other students I've seen at the campus, but everyone has those feelings. ... BTW, I would have liked to study Classics at some point, too. It was during my Indiana Jones phase :DD ** It's been a good day to remember that getting out of the house is a GOOD THING!! I met the language tech buddy, and saw other group members, too It was nice to hang out with them for a while, and then I had a software design class and then a math class. I'm proud of going out, even though I felt somewhat tired and anti-social today (my body probably just needs some more time to recover from illness) and I was worried about not having done my homework well enough. Well, everything went OK, and I was good enough It was great to spend some time with people, and now that I have Ubuntu on my smaller laptop, it's easier for me to go work at the library or language tech workplace. I have managed to deal with the interview panic by thinking of it as a study assignment: I don't have to be perfect, I'll just go and show them what I've got. Actually, the dread has completely passed. It might have been also caused by mid-cycle-shenanigans and the illness... But yeah, the interview is next Tuesday at 2 PM. I'm gonna make a work schedule for the weekend, because I also have homework I also feel confident that I can do some exercise, and keep journaling and doing yoga. And oh gosh, SEE OTHER PEOPLE!! Today made me realize how good it is to have some IRL social interaction. But only some. Haha.
  9. It is Friday, yay! I still felt somewhat nauseous yesterday, but I ate well and took a slow walk in the evening. I'm doing better today, and I hope that I can get back to exercising this weekend As for the fear about going to the meeting, I'm just letting it be, and focus on preparing for the meeting. I've tried to "solve" the fear during these past couple of days to make it go away, but no matter how I approach it, it remains. So, I'm choosing to let it be, and focus on doing my assignments and doing things I enjoy. Maybe this is just another thing that I am allowed to drop - and sometimes it's hard to convince anxiety that nothing's wrong. It's like a scared dog. I need to be that person in jeans and white socks that convinces the dog that it's alright Anyway, you know what's good? I haven't been sad in a few days. These studies are challenging, and I feel like they're taking me towards my career goals. I haven't felt like this in a long time, and I'm happy that I'm back to studying tech and art. I think I've spent a big chunk of my life running away from myself and the things that I've valued. Bullying and abuse made me think that there's something wrong with me, and some people involved with my art ruined it for me (stalking, convincing me that my art was pointless unless it was about politics, sexuality, violence etc.). This feels like a second chance for me, and I'm even thinking about becoming a web designer and an illustrator in the future So, even if I'm a bit nervous about some interview, I take it any day over the feeling of missing out on my own life. ... and now, I need to one more homework assignment O__o I have a couple of lectures and I'm meeting my language tech buddy for the Ubuntu installation, and then it's time to enjoy the weekend Have a lovely Friday, everyone!
  10. NLP, you too?? It's really interesting, but I'm more into web development, as well As for Open Office, I'm not a huge fan, either. I usually make my documents with Google Docs. I do have Windows on my laptop, too, but I prefer using Ubuntu... Thank you for the encouragement!! I'm dealing with some low confidence issues here, for sure, but I'm taking this as an opportunity to learn how to handle them And I get what you mean with not having a "proper" engineering background! I feel like a hack fraud sometimes because I've studied LINGUISTICS But when I attend the programming/math lectures, I sometimes realize that I've actually taken the time to study the theory and practice unlike some other students. And that's what matters! But it's lovely how the field keeps evolving: there's always something new to learn! **
  11. Oh, how tedious with the Android bugs...! I only used it on Chrome, I find it nicer to create designs on computer instead of mobile apps So, you're a coder? I had no idea! What's your area of expertise? And yeah interview!! My language tech buddy is helping me install Ubuntu to my other laptop tomorrow, so I'll have an easily portable Ubuntu with me (my current Ubuntu laptop is 17.3'' and a bit of a bulk to carry around...). ** Feeling a lot better today My stomach is still a bit upset, though, so there's definitely a virus or something that's bothering me. I went for a morning walk to the town, and had lunch in my favourite coffee shop. I had a small piece of mud cake for dessert, and that helped me to feel so satisfied that I skipped buying chocolate or ice cream to take home with me. I also treated myself to a forest yoga book, which is a sort of a Finnish approach to yoga (mythology and health benefits of being out in the forest). I was first gonna buy books about Finnish flora, but I asked Mom first if there were some books I could get from them (my parent's house is filled with books...). All in all, I'd love to have more books! It's sometimes a bit hard to find something nice to read in the evening, so I'd like to gather my own personal library After the initial positive feelings, I got really tense about the upcoming interview. I spent some time trying to understand what it is that makes me so tense (even during writing the CV and application letter), because we're not talking about a positive reaction, which makes me READY to fight, but some dreadful feeling that stresses my body the eff out. I managed to trace it back to my previous job hunting experiences: getting a "no thank you, we're not interested" or no answer at all were pretty basic for me a couple of years ago, and my confidence is really low. I've let myself start believing that it's not realistic for me to get invited to interviews...! But this was a couple of years ago, and now things have changed: I have more experience and more skills. I'm gonna prepare as well as I can, and be myself I'll take it as practice, too: this is basically my second job interview in tech, so I don't need to be perfect. We'll see how it goes I'm also gonna modify an assignment I did for the online coding course: I have a completely functional little page for giving feedback to a coffee shop, but it has no styling, whatsoever, just plain black-and-white text and buttons. I'd also like to turn my CV into a website with some small functions. Just to have a couple more pieces to show the company next week... I'm gonna study today, read the forest yoga book, and do some yoga later on. But first, let me have a snack Have a lovely Thursday!
  12. Work was OK and I've been feeling somewhat stable - no coughing, but some fatigue ... anyway, the company answered that they would like to meet me in person so that we could talk more. I'm gonna arrange a meeting for next week so that I have time to prepare for the interview properly (and revise the s**t out of JavaScript syntax). I'm not sure if they contacted the language tech instructor, but I'm glad that they were interested I was first like, "huh", but then it hit me that I got a positive answer instead of the usual "thank you, but we're currently not interested" and then I felt... like wow?? Like, I'm not sure what they'll want to know, but I'll just go there and be myself. If it doesn't work out, I have other options coming up. The evening was very warm when I walked back from the library, so I took a bit longer route home The weather has gotten a bit more warm today, and they say it's not gonna get colder until Saturday. Gonna enjoy these last few summer days!
  13. I talk the talk, but do I walk the walk? ** Feeling balanced and calm this morning The nights are dark again, so I went to the common balcony last night to look at the stars - it's been a long time since the last time I saw them. Now I'm enjoying the sunrise in my apartment. I love it here There are also two big trees right outside the windows. The leaves are starting to turn yellow and red. Winter, here we come...! I'm still a bit under the weather, but I feel like I'm up to going to work today I have a shift at the library from 4 to 8 PM. I'm gonna study before that... I think I'm gonna stay home and not attend my math lecture just to get some extra rest. We have a class on Friday, where we practice the theory, so I'm gonna go through the material online and attend on Friday. I did some yoga, took a hot shower, and now I'm gonna start making lunch at home. Yoga made me feel better, and I'm gonna take this time of sickness to cultivate calm energy and cherish the things I have. I sound like such a forest hippie. And I have to admit that being one suits me well!
  14. Go ahead! If the website starts to get slow when you're working, try and refresh the page. Canva automatically saves the changes you do, and it started to get slower and slower the longer I worked. Refreshing the page helped And thanks, I'm waiting to hear from the application...! My language tech instructor also told that there's a possibility to work at the university next year. Why are there suddenly so many opportunities?? ** I've been under the weather today, so I've taken it easy. I've done yin yoga and focused on calming my nervous system. The online course has offered all sorts of yin yoga videos and other relaxation practices, and I'm starting to see that they're really beneficial to me. My biggest health issue are the racing thoughts that make me tense up and activate my nervous system so that my body can't rest. I feel like I've now got more tools to handle that, and after seeing the change in how I feel, I know I need to keep practicing I cleaned up a bit, and set a yarn across the room for the pothos vine to grow on. It's grown since I bought it, and I'm waiting for it to take over >8D I'd love to have something like this: But it's gonna take a while, because it's autumn and I don't think any plant is hardcore enough to grow during winter in Finland. Oh, well. I've also done some sketches for the video game course, and the group was happy with the initial sketches Can't wait to start doing the artwork in Photoshop! I haven't heard back from the company yet, but I'm not really stressing about it: I am financially OK, and I can apply for the university job opportunities later on, if they don't have need for my skills right now. I wonder if I was too hasty with sending the application, but hey, everything's gonna be OK. And I'm not alone. Well, I made one change in my habits today: instead of buying a bar of chocolate, I bought some liquorice sweets! I do like having something sweet at the house, so instead of banning chocolate, I'm allowing other kinds of sweets for now They're my favourite kind of liquorice sweets, too, so I'm happy with them. I've had issue with buying chocolate and then having this inner conflict about not being allowed to eat it, and ergh. I'm not capable of handling it right now, so I'm allowing myself to remove the problem and do something else, instead. If something keeps bothering me and I can't find a solution, I'm allowed to drop the issue or try to find an alternative solution. Besides, I'm somehow tired of eating so much sweets. I could replace them with fruit, or something.
  15. Ensi

    Wolverine has been sent to a wrong timeline

    I agree with @mu, you' have a lot on your plate right now, but you're still going strong...! I'm very proud of you And it's totally understandable to be anxious about meeting new people for the reason you mentioned, I'm sure everyone has something similar (certain situations cause them to have feelings they've had in the past). I'm going through something like that right now, but remember that you're capable of handling whatever comes your way, and people are usually nicer than we think they are. Trust your gut feeling, it will help you assess the situation. Wishing all the best to your boyfriend, too!