alannamoonlight

I have not abandoned working out! A few things have thrown off my schedule but I've got quite a few workout days I should have logged here that I have not! Whoops! I think I'm going to switch to physical journaling for a while to track different fitness information. The points system worked well for me here for a bit, but I no longer have a reliable reward mechanism since the husband and I are trying really hard to save money for several planned and unplanned expensive things (vacation, new car, new tires on the other car...some exciting, some make me sigh!) so buying myself a treat doesn't really correspond with fitness goals at the moment. I'm still motivated to stay active, though -- I feel really good about myself! In the span of time that I haven't recorded anything here we acquired some kayaks that we've been playing with as well as going out on a ten-mile bike ride on a local nature trail. It's a bit hot in everyone's neck of the woods right now so I feel like we've been indoors a lot lately. We're hopefully going kayaking tonight or tomorrow. Anyway, I just wanted to drop in on this thread to wrap up for a while -- I'll come back if and when I feel like recording here would add a new level of motivation! For now, moving to a physical journal.

Last week: Monday: Cardio 3 pts Tuesday: Cardio / weights 7 pts Wednesday: Cardio / weights 7 pts Thursday/Friday: Crocheted for about 4 hours total, made 1 healthy meal: 3 pts Subtotal: 20 pts Running total toward next prize: 45/35 Right now Joe and I are in a financial constraint because we have a lot of expenses all in the same week / paycheck (rent, paying off the last payment from having broken our lease in Texas, and we have to take our dog to the vet) so I'm probably going to just keep racking up my points and buy treats for myself later

This week has been pretty idle in the self-improvement realm! My husband is out of town on a business trip and I leave tomorrow for Texas for my commencement ceremony. Joe and I are meeting at the DFW airport, but not having him in the house and it being my first week of "freedom" after finishing finals I'm sort of lollygagging. Not even working out. Whooooooops. Nevertheless, the goal isn't to guilt myself, so I'll just do a quick roundup: M-Today 2 hours + of crocheting: 4 points Tuesday: Made a healthy dinner for myself: 1 point Subtotal: 5 points Running total toward next "prize": 25/35 points

Summing up today now because I bought coffee out and I'm not planning on cooking tonight! Cardio (30 minutes, incline from 4-9 increasing 1% every 5 minutes, 3.2 mph) 3 pts Weights: 4 pts -- and I'm starting to increase the weights already!!!! Crocheting 2 hrs: 1 pt Subtotal: 8 pts Running total toward next "prize": 20/35 pts I'm realizing that I keep coming back to that whole "argh, I need to meditate" thing. I think I need to incentivize myself better for it -- I'm going to increase its value from 1 pt per ten minutes to 2 pts per 10 and see if that makes me stop and actually incorporate it into my day more often. I don't know why I always think of it as such a drag and avoid doing it -- maybe if I set up a special space for myself it would be easier! Other productive things I've been doing with my life: I take my dog to the dog park, which has a roughly 1/4 mile path, and get anywhere from .25 miles to .5 miles' worth of walking around with her almost every day. I went five times last week! It's one of my favorite things to do in our new town; it's a lovely park, a lovely walking path, and I get to meet all sorts of well-behaved, adorable dogs of all shapes and sizes!!!! I'm also almost finished with my finals for my Master's. I have 1.5 more finals to write. One is a set of long-answer essay responses, which I've been chipping away at over the past week so as not to get overwhelmed, and the second is an archival arrangement and description plan, which I need to break down into its process parts and get it done. My parents are visiting this weekend so I'm planning on having them done on Friday; they're both due on Monday -- and then I fly to Texas to march in my graduation ceremony!

This is one of the incline treadmill workouts I'm really proud of...I "climbed" 1,000 feet! I know it's not the same as spending several hours navigating terrain, but the fact that I can both accomplish my short-term fitness goals and sort of look toward potential travel and adventure goals makes me really happy: Got up to a 20% grade, 1138 feet, and burned close to 400 calories in one go (according to the rough estimate of the machine)!!!! I'm hoping to do it again tonight.

Aahhhh! I need to check in and log what I've done this past week...it's been a good one!!! (With the exception of this Wednesday, when I had a mild stomach bug and didn't go work out. I stayed at home and got a lot of crocheting done and final exam work finished.) I have divided up my weight circuit so that I have a "top/arm day" and "leg day" and so that all of my workouts have about the same time and effort rather than having 3 days a week when I do my entire body and then 2 days per week with cardio only -- I could tell that was going to cause myself a huge motivation problem for the 3 days a week I had to do the entire circuit! Since last Friday, this is what I've accomplished: April 20 Cardio: 3 pts Weight circuit: 4 pts Crochet 4 hours: 2 pts Healthy dinner: 1 pt Didn't buy coffee out: 1 pt Weekend: Crocheted about the equivalent of 6 hours: 3 pts April 23 Cardio: 3 pts Weight circuit: 4 pts Crochet 4 hours: 2 pts Healthy dinner: 1 pt Didn't buy coffee out: 1 pt April 24 Cardio: 3 pts Weight circuit: 4 pts Crochet 4 hours: 2 pts Didn't buy coffee out: 1 pt April 25 Crochet 4 hours: 2 pts April 26 Cardio: 3 pts Weight circuit: 4 pts Crochet 4 hours: 2 pts Healthy dinner: 1 pt That brings me to today! Total points racked up last week: 47 Wow! Despite being sick and sort of out of commission I got almost 50 points! And I still haven't gotten myself to meditate. Bleh! That's still a goal. I would go ahead and cash in my points for a reward, but I sort of already have, and Joe and I are working really carefully to save money because we're on a cash flow delay from the expense of moving. I did buy myself three skeins of yarn this past week so I'll call that my reward It was about $17 worth of yarn total. Cash in 47-35: 12 points toward next "reward"! How I've been feeling: HEALTHY!!!! I sleep better and just feel good about myself. My only gripe is that I meet up with Joe to work out at around 5:00 pm, which is like my least favorite time to be out of the house (due to rush hour and it sort of being in the middle of a flow of getting things done for me if I'm at home) I'm already finding myself stronger and more able to handle harder workouts -- for instance, with the exception of yesterday because I was still recovering a little from the bug, I do my cardio workout on the high-incline treadmill now! I start at about a 15% incline at around 2.8 mph, and then gradually increase it as I get closer to 30 minutes. I feel really good about this because I get the added stat of vertical feet "climbed," so I can compare my workout to a mountainous hike, which is one of my reasons to get fit -- I really want to be able to do mountain hikes in Colorado in the next few years. Or, maybe even when I go to Iceland in the fall!

I know I'm bad at giving back all the support here on NF that you have given me; part of it is I know you've had your thing going on long before I dipped my toes in the water on this community, but know that I'm rooting for you and I'm always inspired by what you share!!! Go you! <3

Oh, and I suppose I should log today and yesterday: -Weight circuit: 8 pts -Cardio: 3 pts -Healthy dinner: 1 pt -Cardio: 3 pts -Crochet for 2 hours: 1 pt Dang it, I need to get meditating. Sheesh. Honestly the knitting and crocheting is very meditative for me, so I shouldn't beat myself up, and my general mental health is so much better since we moved. But I should still make a habit of it! I've been watching The Knitting Monk's podcast, A Maker's Pilgrimage, and it's very meditative to do while actually knitting (or crocheting as I have been!) I found this episode particularly compelling in the last 15 or so minutes when he talks about crafting as integral to his spirituality. I totally want to go to one of his Maker's Pilgrimage retreats. Also, how on earth does one format videos on this forum, this embed is looking like it's going to publish huge!

I had it done at the company rec center -- in addition to being a full rec center / gym, they provide certain services to employees and their families like fitness testing, workout arrangement, instruction on different types of exercises and machines, nutritional counseling, and classes free of charge with membership! It's awesome. So, without going into all of the numbers, I basically got these results: I'm of average general fitness levels, but my endurance is poor (aka I'm out of shape, which I knew!) but I score really high on general strength. I'm not overweight / none of my basic metabolic numbers are unhealthy, it's just a matter of exercise consistency to start to see maybe a weight lost or "converted" to muscle weight. I'm not hung up on weight, as I'm perfectly fine with my general shape and size, it's just the fitness levels and tone that I want to improve, and that's exactly what the fitness coach who took me through my assessment and training said would happen. I have a circuit of eight machines to use and a general imperative to do the circuit 3-4 times per week with rest days in between, and cardio for at least 30 minutes every day. So that's what I'm doing! I might split the circuit between "top" and "bottom" (as my husband calls it) to cut down time at the gym and the machines I have to hit per day. Dunno yet. Regardless of how I break it up, I want to keep rewarding myself every 35 points. I did pick a reward for my last week's goal -- I went to a local thrift shop and found some really cute exercise clothes (much cheaper than Target, too!). I think I'll keep my point system for everything non-physical as listed above, as those things haven't changed endurance value (as of yet), but I think I'll reframe the point system for my physical goals this way: -Cardio: 3 points for treadmill or other cardio exercise in my "ideal" range (incline of at least 5%, 3-3.3 mph, for at least 30 minutes...I can't remember what the METs value is so I need to glance at my worksheet at the gym) I got a matrix of speed/incline/duration for cardio that showed what my current ideal combinations thereof are to get my heart rate at the right range for the right amount of time, and it's definitely work. Since it constitutes an entire daily workout some days, and I have been going about 1.5 - 1.7 miles each time, I'm going to just give myself 3 points straight up since it's like a difficult but bare minimum exercise task. No partial points for partial completion since 30 minutes is my assigned minimum. For every 15 minutes after 30, I'll give myself 1 more point. -Weights: 1 point for each 3x8 rep sets as assigned by my circuit worksheet, provided I make myself "feel the burn" the right way and it's not too easy. I might split it up different ways but basically, I'm starting at 3 sets of 8 reps on each of the 8 machines I've been assigned. -Other: At my discretion. If it's something new or mentally challenging to overcome, I'll deal myself points as compared with my every day challenges. For instance, an hour-long class I might assign myself 5 points for if it's brand new or intimidating to try, if I just do a little extra cardio that is more of a cool-down maybe I'll give myself .5 or 1 point, etc. Basically, new challenges are a high reward, and consistency should be moderately rewarded but still rewarded well. With this system, if I go to the rec center 5 days per week and do everything I'm "supposed" to bare minimum, I'll earn: 8 points for weights 3x per week = 24 pts 3 points for cardio 5x per week = 15 pts Total: 39 points. I don't want to set the "reward" tier any higher than this, because if I'm doing this "minimum" prescribed by the fitness coach I'm still really pushing myself in new ways and I do deserve a reward. Some days or circumstances might keep me from a few points, and I want that to be okay and guilt free (like you mention @SkyGirl!) and also achievable by doing other things, since physical exercise isn't the be all end all of total wellness. I might not be able to bring myself to shop for random things once per week, though. Joe and I have a budget where we get a certain amount of "play money" per month, which is what I'm using to reward myself with this system --- and I'm pretty careful about where I put it! Whew that was a long one, but this is the framework of how I'm starting my very first scientifically-sound fitness routine!!!

I did it! I also had my introduction to my weight circuit today -- which resulted in a full workout. I'm tired and my muscles are wobbly! I'll come back here and update once I figure out how exactly I'm going to schedule a regular workout routine and how I can positively reward myself for progressing toward goals without ending up guilty and stressed out... Also I can't decide what my "Treat myself" is. I'm out of spending mode because the husband and I are saving money like crazy so I'm hesitant to pull the trigger on any purchases! I went to Target to see if I liked any workout pants (I need a new pair or two) but I left without buying any; stuff is too expensive. Choice paralysis!!!

OK! I had my fitness test. It was really interesting! It pretty much confirmed what I felt about my body and fitness level -- I'm generally average and about as fit as someone can be while not actively or systematically exercising; I'm not in any dangerous ranges but I could stand to trade some fat for muscle. Points for today and yesterday (keeping in mind I'm giving myself until the end of the night to hit 35 points) Yesterday Knit for 4 hours: 2 points Walked 1 mile: 1 point Stepmill for 5 minutes / 20 floors: 1 point Rowed 2021 meters: 2 points Cooked a healthy dinner for me and Joe: 1 point Today (so far) Haven't bought coffee from a coffee shop (and don't plan to...the day's not over yet but I'm sure I'll make it haha) 1 point Knit for 2 hours: 1 point FITNESS TEST. The fitness test was composed of the following. I'm going to give myself points on the fly for it based on how much effort I think I exerted: -Walking incline test. I got to 14 minutes at a max of 14% grade. I went .78 miles. I think the grade makes up for the distance not quite hitting a mile, so I'm giving myself 1 point. -Forearm muscle strength, situps (21/60 sec) and pushups (15 max before my arms totally crapped out): 1 point -Stretching and flexibility test: Not awarding myself points for that but just noting it here. I'm not a flexible person at all. Subtotal: 11 TOTAL: 33 points. I think 2 more points by the end of the day is doable!!!! I love this system. It has encouraged me to complete a certain number of self-care tasks and exercise per day, without guilting or punishing myself for not meeting some quota. I will probably end up cooking another healthy meal tonight (that one's pretty easy when I'm currently unemployed) and I'll either exercise some more or meditate. Or knit! Or all of the above.

Whew, I am tie-tie this Thursday...I almost napped! One of the things I absolutely love about regular exercise is how much more energy I have for the rest of my day and how regular my sleep cycle gets; how easily I fall asleep and wake up...it's so much better than anxiety insomnia and depression napping. Yesterday: Rowed 2012 meters: 2 points Crocheted/Knit for 2+ hours: 1 point Walked 1 mile: 1 point Did 5:00 minutes / 200 steps on the stepmill (I think that's what Joe called it today? Lol. I call it a stair machine.) 1 point I dug into my laundry quarters and got Caribou Coffee because I had to take our laundry to a laundromat and that whole experience is terrible enough to make me feel like a treat is justified...:P The laundry machines in our building are being replaced and it's making laundry awful...so no points for that... Subtotal: 5 points Total (as of yesterday evening): 16 points Today: Did not buy coffee out! 1 point (I will note I also have been reducing the amount of sugar I put in my homemade lattes...I'm trying to work it down to be essentially sugar-free, or only-whatever-sugar-is-found-in-milk, I guess) Rowed 2100 meters: 2 points Crochet for 2+ hours: 1 point Did 10 minutes and 50 FLOORS!!! (the stepmill I used today didn't have individual stair step counting, just floors) on the stepmill. I'm going to give myself 2 points for this because it was above and beyond what I was asking of myself when I went in to work out. I think I'll double-reward myself one more time for 50+ floors but then bump it down to just 1 point as the stepmill gets easier. Subtotal: 6 points Total as of TODAY: 22 points I'm super happy with this week! With just a little bit of get-up-and-go per day I've been feeling really happy and healthy. Amazing what just one week of regular activity can do. I'm not even at the point where I'm doing a structured, tailored workout for me -- that's what I get with my appointment on Tuesday -- but physical activities help my sense of well being sooooo much.

Today: -Walked 1 mile! 1 point -2021 meters rowing! 2 points -Didn't buy coffee out! 1 point -Knit for 2+ hours! 1 point -Tried the stair machine at the gym: I managed 5 minutes (222 steps....so over 20 floors!) 1 point -Cooking a whole foods dinner (in progress...high protein and no-sodium veggie soup!) 1 point Subtotal: 7 points Total so far: 11 points Since I'm sort of discovering what I can and can't accomplish in a day I think I need to re-gauge my goal: I'm going to say I need 35 points to buy my wishlist item rather than 20 (since 20 is already in very easy reach). This weekend I have to travel again for a wedding and am probably going to be a bit "lower achieving" to to speak on the points scale, so 35 seems like a good round goal to sustain earning from 3-5 points per day until the 17th.

Well, I already have a little update to report! I walked 1.05 miles at the rec center track. I kept the pace quick and worked on my posture while I was at it -- I realize that I have all these muscles in my back that are poorly used / not used that are sort of waking up now. Additionally, I could feel the circulation in my legs kicking back into gear, which was why I'm starting slow! Last spring when I tried to "wake up" my body with a hike, my legs itched so badly from the sudden circulation it made it impossible to enjoy the walk. :\ That didn't happen this time! 1 point I also gauged how much rowing felt like it was worthy of "1 point" -- my guess was 800 meters, but 1000 meters solid is a better number for me. I rowed 2016 meters! I will probably raise the number required to earn "points" for myself after April 17 since rowing is one of my favorite exercises and it's apparently not that challenging for my endurance levels, but since this "prologue" mode is just for the sake of getting me up and moving, 1000 seems fair for a point. It takes me about 7.5 minutes to row that many. 2 points All in all I exercised for 33.5 minutes solid. Not heavy duty cardio, but constant moving and paying attention to positioning to work on my posture. My back is a little twingey from muscles that are suddenly being engaged. Mission accomplished for the day! I'm also in the process of cooking a whole foods meal for me and Joe tonight, so I'll probably round off the evening with another point. I'll log it here in advance. 1 point. Total so far: 4 points! Not bad!

Thanks @SkyGirl! BTW it was so good to see you IRL! OK! In just about half an hour I'm heading out to work out at the rec center for the first time after moving and then visiting my friend for a week. Since I haven't had my fitness test yet I'm not sure what the benchmark is going to be for weekly or daily achievement, so I'm going to do like a "prologue" here starting from today until April 17, where I'll set some basic personal goals and rewards for myself for the next 2 weeks. None of them are outrageous; mostly about getting into the habit and waking up my body. Rather than forcing myself to meet a certain quota per week on certain activities, I'm going to make myself a point and reward system as mentioned previously to use positive reinforcement on myself. After I get my personalized feedback from a trainer I'll add or change the goals. Right now I'm measuring what's worth 1 point based on what I know is doable for me, but still can sometimes represent a challenge and be something I put off or don't make myself do on a regular basis. April 9 through April 17, 2018 Physical -Walk 1 mile on the track: 1 point -Walk my dog 1 mile outdoors around my apartment complex: 2 points -Row 800 meters: 1 point (may adjust this...I haven't used a rowing machine in so long I forget what's achievable and what's worth about 1 point relative to my fitness level!!) -Other significant physical activity (i.e. trying a machine, doing 10-15 minutes of cardio, swimming, playing racquetball with my husband, etc.): 2 points Mental -Meditate 10 minutes: 1 point -Meditate for 5 days consecutively: 12 points!!!! (The doozy...trying to get myself to meditate consistently) Spiritual / Creative -Explore a new place in my new home state: 2 points -Take a walk (at least 1/4 mile) in a new town or area: 1 point -Finish a real book: 2 points -Crochet, knit, or draw for 2 hours: 1 point (.5 points for one hour) Diet -Skip buying coffee from a coffee shop for 1 day (I might be off caffeine, but I still spend too much at coffee shops) 1 point -Cook a dinner for me and my husband with at least 3 unpreserved / unrefined foods (white meats, veggies, grains): 1 point My reward: If I can earn 20 points by the end of April 17, I will let myself buy an item off my Amazon wish list (probably a new pair of noise cancelling headphones!) Let's see how this system works!

Hoo boy, it's been hectic in my life lately! After the holidays my husband and I got back from visiting family 1,000 miles away and then pretty much got to work on moving logistics and planning our relocation. We just settled in to our new place (back in our region of origin -- the USA Midwest) and now I'm back in my hometown again helping a friend recover from major surgery. It's been busy and I've pretty much been terrible about any sort of exercise, self care, meditation, etc. The one thing I think I stayed on track with was going to therapy every week back in Texas and I actually successfully broke through and conquered my phobia of airline travel! That was a huge milestone that I'm really proud of. I spent about the last 8 years of my life being barely physically capable of getting on an airplane. I've canceled numerous trips and broken down for extended periods of time at the times that I didn't have the 'luxury' of alternative modes of travel or staying home. More on all of that on my personal blog...http://flying-north.blogspot.com/ But in February my husband and I actually got on a plane between DFW and Austin for a quick turnaround. I had some delicious local coffee in Austin Bergstrom, and most importantly, I didn't have any panic attacks or even that much nervousness! But in other realms of physical and mental health I haven't been working on much. But after this week I should get back into a better rhythm in our new home. My husband's company headquarters where we now live has an extensive recreation center for a next-to-nothing membership fee out of his paycheck each month, and we're both thrilled. (The last location only allowed the employees themselves to use the facility, this location allows employees and family and the equipment and services are far more extensive anyway) I am having a complimentary fitness test / goals evaluation / a fitness routine set up for me on April 17! In the meantime, once I get home, I'm going to just start meeting husband there in the evenings and walking the track and using a machine or two to start to wake up my dormant winter body. I'll use the results of my evaluation and planning meeting to set specific goals here; my life doesn't line up with 4-week challenges very well but @SkyGirl let me know that the Battle Log would be a good place to just personally track progress on my own timeline. I'm going to brainstorm a few ways to incentivize milestones for myself! I'm currently on a no-yarn-buying budget (I'm a crochet and knitting addict with a mountain of stash yarn to go through) but maybe I'll reward myself with a Michaels/JoAnn/Hobby Lobby reward system somehow...

I've been out of touch with NF for a little while. Life got crazy (and is still going to be crazy for a bit)! My husband and I move in less than two weeks, I had my qualification exams for my grad program, and generally the holidays and moving prep and leaving my job is just a busy thing. I'm planning on jumping back in on the next challenge with something more physical than I've done in other challenges; in our new town I'm going to have access to my husband's company gym (which is apparently really well equipped and even has an indoor track like the rec center I'm used to from my college hometown!) And since my husband is really experienced in resistance training I can meet up with him daily and he can help me get into a workout routine. I'm also transitioning to working full time in a chaotic downtown setting to working from home for a while and staying in my career field part time. A couple of things -- since my very first challenge here on NF back from October to November last year, I have kept caffeine out of my life and it feels great! I can use a small amount as a tool if I need to study but my dependency on it is totally gone and I'm so happy about that. I also didn't get into the PhD program I applied for -- sad, but my husband may not want to be at his company forever, so it leaves us more flexible for the near future. And I'll have more time for self improvement in other areas if I'm not overwhelmed with another graduate program. I'm still going to look for ways to participate in the University community where I'm going though! I am going to jump back in with another challenge after the current one wraps up! Can't wait!

Oh! And I did manage to get straight A's this semester! I didn't set that as part of my challenge but I did have it as a goal on my character profile. One more semester to go in my Master's program!

Progress is slow/stalled the past ten days. Last week I had a horrible mental health week, and my self care of any kind tends to just plummet when that happens. Which, of course, is the point of getting on regular routines of meditation and physical activity, so that it's easier to stay consistent to take care of myself when that kind of thing happens, but I'm not meeting my physical goals for this challenge (so far, not saying I don't have it in me to make a last-second surge this week). I have finished the projects I intended, and started a new knitting project that I'm really excited about. I have still yet to finish another book. I was trying to force myself through the end of Outlander, but honestly it's dragged on so long I gave it up. I'm going to switch to something shorter and sweeter and hopefully finish it by the end of the week. My vocabulary is actually a lot cleaner! I am proud of myself for that one. I've also been way more mindful while driving. So I'll consider that a victory! I haven't worked out at home this week but I did go riding for two hours yesterday working on half-seat, so my legs and core and back got a workout! Apparently my biggest motivator for exercise is still horses. I'll probably repeat this challenge over again next time around given that I set certain physical and meditation goals and just haven't hit them. I need to keep trying to establish a routine.

Oh neat "final grades" chart! I haven't popped in to NF for a while so I'm a bit behind everyone I was following along with but I like how you're keeping that record. Good on ya for the self care success!

This week has been hectic, despite being done with the semester. It's been a flurry of addressing health issues, helping friends with the end of their finals, work stuff, and prepping Christmas presents. I've done sort of spotty across the different categories but still heading in the right direction: Body: -Need to do 1 at home work out before Sunday to stay on track. -Staying decaf. I let myself have a Dr. Pepper yesterday but honestly it wasn't worth it and my heart palpitations were bonkers. Not bothering again with that "treat"! Mind: -Meditating...spottily. Still struggling to make it part of my routine. There's nothing really to say except I need to keep working on this. -Finished a book! 1 more to go. Spirit: -Finish 2 knit / crochet projects for Christmas presents. All done! I'm still working on other projects but I finished two yarn-based ones quickly (as I suspected I would) -Cut profanity out of my reactive vocabulary. I'm actually really achieving in this category! I've noticed not only am I using less profanity day-to-day, I've addressed it by being more mindful of moments when I'd normally use it. I even mentioned it to my therapist as part of my mindfulness goals and she found it really interesting. I've been driving with a much more "zen" mindset, forgiving people for moves I'd normally get really mad about, that sort of thing. It feels good!

Wow, the ketogenic diet sounds intense! I hope it's going well for you!

Sky, so happy for you seeking one right step in front of the other! I don't want to interject too much because I know you have a long and personal history here that I've only recently been privy to thanks to your sweet encouragement of my joining NF, but I'll throw in this bit about my experience seeking therapy and counseling: The idea of getting anything formally "diagnosed" can definitely be really scary because whether we like it or not, we've grown up in a society where mental illness and/or just emotional conflict are not always seen for what they are -- a type of sickness or just the brain not knowing how to cope with something evenly, not moral failure. But I've always found that when my therapist(s) have given me names for things I just get a huge wash of relief. It's like...oh! There's a name for that? I'm not alone? You mean I can tell you I'm feeling x which leads to y which leads to z and you're telling me that's a well-understood phenomenon that you're equipped to help me cope with? Amazing!!!! I've honestly found counseling to be such a relieving thing, since it's a way of laying out thought patterns I previously thought were surely leading to some catastrophic breakdown of my life and identity, just to have someone calmly say "Oh! Yes, that's called [name], and with [thought exercise/treatment], you may find it much easier to cope with that, or it may go away entirely." Of course I'm speaking of my particular issues, which I've named in our IRL conversations, but that big run-on just to say...counseling/therapy can be surprising in what a relief it is to have someone understand you on a professional level! I hope you find some of what you're looking for in it. You're a Wonder Woman!

So far... 6-day meditation streak on Headspace. I still haven't nailed down a schedule to get into a rhythm of doing it multiple times per day, but I have been sitting down for longer (10 minute) sessions and I've at least managed to do it 6 days in a row and counting! If I break my streak from trying a different source or style of meditation (off Headspace) I'll make a note here. I did a sleep meditation yesterday right before bed and it knocked me the heck out!! Decaffeinated. Okay, confession...I got a Nespresso machine. I'm currently trying to find the right kind of refillable pod so that I can use my own decaf espresso but in the meantime, I got re-caffeinated on the samples the machine came with! I got a refillable pod from Amazon yesterday but unfortunately it doesn't work . So the next one to try out arrives from Prime tomorrow...such 21st century struggles. All that to say, I got myself caffeinated earlier this week and just finished suffering through the detox headache this morning. Not going to do that again! I went to the gym today! I think I'm actually going to re-tool this goal because honestly my rec center is great for cardio but not so much for resistance stuff (as you might expect for a modest community gym, as opposed to an LA Fitness or something). It's okay, but it's very small and a few times I've shown up and the area is too populated to use. My husband and I already have a bunch of weights and resistance equipment at home that I'm actually better off using. Soooo...I'm currently brainstorming a little, but I think I want to change my goal from "go to the gym 1 time per week" (an arbitrary "just get there" number with no actual metrics on calories/time/reps) to "work out at home for 20 minutes 2x / week" with some sort of structure to it. Our membership is coming to an end anyway, and we probably won't renew it because we are looking at relocating to a different state soon. All that is a little more complicated, but actually more conducive to what I want to get out of my actual exercise time. I will probably consult with my husband to come up with some combination of meditation, yoga/stretching, and hand weights that I can effectively pick up right in my own living room -- rather than just obligatorily putzing around on an elliptical just because it's technically "at a gym." Almost finished with 1 book. Currently working on several more Christmas present craft projects. I have been very crafty lately! I like getting absorbed in episodes of Star Trek while I work on things...so much that it's sort of a metric for how productive I am in a particular day. On Wednesday evening I sewed for 2.5 episodes of TOS I should probably apply this to exercising, too. In short, everything's going well! Now I need to stop procrastinating and finish a final paper. I've been to the grocery store, the gym, a thrift store, and cleaned and organized the kitchen cabinets and pantry. My husband called me on exactly what that was all about...procrastination...here I am on NF, and he thinks I'm probably looking up scholarly articles or something. The joke is only on me.

I did notice yesterday that twice on my commute home (which lasted over an hour...oy) the two times people were driving idiotically my exclamations were "DUDE." and "Person!!!!", both automatic. I think I got "Person!!!" from my mom; I don't know that I've ever heard anyone else use it as an expression of exasperation, but I guess it works. But yeah, you're right about the "switch flip" aspect; I'd rather not allow maniacal drivers to trigger my stress response so easily; as long as they're not endangering me I'd rather just be the type of person to chuckle about their folly and move on with my day. It's really hard to separate though, when the implications for bad driving are so dire! That's a good point! I definitely code-switch, and only occasionally in a setting where I'm talking to someone I know would be offended by profanity I've stopped myself mid-word and morphed it last-second into something less offensive. I don't have trouble curbing it when it's really critical; but I want to curb it for my own sake as well. But really, explaining and talking it out has made it more and more evident to me that it's less (personally) about the words and more about the spikes of stress that result in the swearing reflex, which I dislike, even in private. @SkyGirl I have a new sub-goal...by New Year, get my whole family using the phrase "Shucky Darn." **** Goal-wise, nothing super fantastic to report since yesterday...I had very little energy yesterday evening and just kinda vegged. I meditated twice, but not in the evening...I'd really like to get myself doing it morning and evening rather than at random times, but I realize some is better than none. I got a lot done during the day, both work and PhD application related stuff and homework, and I did start another crochet gift. Hoping and planning to get myself to the gym tonight.