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Everything posted by Whisper

  1. Monday was brittle. Tuesday was a lot of anxiety. Doing better today but still hard. Helping M with some stuff after work, not expecting to get much else done, but a shower would be good.
  2. I'm feeling really brittle this morning. Could use some positive thoughts.
  3. At lunch with M and her bro. We went to painting. He tried it out and had fun. My flowers from last time never grew on me so got redone. I'm hoping to have it finished with one more session.
  4. Need to break my not posting streak. Things went better than expected Saturday, only ended up taking about 5.5 hours at work. Sunday I went to church and struggled to stay awake, while running projection. Went back home and spent a couple hours dozing in bed with the cats. Did get a grocery order done and got laundry washed, dried, hung and folded. Monday worked 10 hours and then spent 2 hours helping M run errands and get ready for her surgery. Changed litter in cat box but nothing else. No real chores done at all after this point. Tuesday I worked and had a dentist appointment. Need to go back next Tuesday for a filling. Wednesday worked, then met up with M and her brother whom had just flown in to be with her during the surgery. Thursday worked and everything went to hell and was worried about M half the day. Everything went well, they were able to discharge her before I got off. They were at her brothers hotel room, so went and visited for a bit. Today was another day from hell at work. Finished around 52 hours this week. Called M, no answer, so called her brother. She was home sleeping. Declined an offer to maybe have dinner later (if she woke up, still really burned out from having her throat cut open). Went home and crashed. I'll spend time with them over the weekend. He flies back Sunday afternoon. Need to do better at drinking. With how busy work has been I haven't had nearly as much water the last several days and can feel myself being somewhat dehydrated. Gonna go to sleep now and revel in not having to get up at 4 am.
  5. Work week passed 50 hours today. I will be working an unknown number of hours tomorrow and possibly Sunday. There was a new machine that was supposed to be here on Monday. The installer gave up on it and flew back to Sweden yesterday. It arrived today. Good news is we aren't starting until 7 tomorrow, so I get to sleep in! Less good news, if you haven't been following the chronicles of my work situation, suffice it to say that there is a whole mess of dumb in how things are done. My old manager retired, his replacement was given two departments, and wants a supervisor for maintenance. If he can get one, he wants me in that role. He's starting giving me some of the responsibilities. What hasn't been addressed at all is my other "manager". He was hired to manage the equipment side, with the other guy managing facilities. Long before my time, there was a power struggle, equipment lost. So, maintenance has a guy with a job title of manager, but he's an hourly employee... Anyway, whole big mess. He called the new manager (currently on vacation) to check on us coming in tomorrow to get the machine in place. New manager called me, and said to do what we thought best. I assumed he also responded to the guy that reached out to him. I was wrong. This evening, quasi manager called to say he hadn't heard back from new manager. I was surprised and said something like "oh, I'm sorry, I assumed he talked to you!" And told him what he said. Quasi was really mad at new. And apparently sent him a drunk email. Quasi called me again (still mad) apologized to me, said he had sent an email he probably shouldn't have. Something about how if new just wants him to go through me he will, but he's not going to keep doing a bunch of stuff, and if they want me to act as supervisor, they need to just come out and say it. He's the only person on day shift that I've worried about the response if a promotion actually happens. Looks like we're going to get to explore that. Fun times. On the health front, I was feeling mostly better Thursday, and got some cleaning done. Feeling fairly good today. Got my COVID booster after work, but didn't get more done around the house.
  6. Felt a bit better when I woke up this morning, but the headache and sore throat have been around to a greater or lesser extent all day. Kind of think I'm sick. Got through work but canceled PT. Gave M a lift home from her kidney doc, but had us both in masks for the ride. She's having surgery next week, so that'll be more stuff to figure out. Took out a bit more trash and recycling while dinner was cooking and got the bins out to the curb for pick up tomorrow. Going to try and get to sleep a bit early tonight.
  7. Survived work. Survived the grocery store. Head and throat are still unhappy. Still feeling foggy and tired. Despite the anxiety yesterday, I actually got a good amount done. Went through all the boxes in my living room. Filled the recycling, nearly filled the trash. Collapsed a solid dozen banker boxes. A good solid start. Still more sorting and purging to do, but I just looking in the silverware drawer and Gonna eat and probably watch videos in bed until I go to sleep.
  8. Yesterday, I had plans to share a meal with some family members on my mother's side, one of her Aunts and Uncle. At this point, Aunt Pam is the only person on that side that I have any level of contact with, and even then it isn't much. We trade the occasional text, and when they drive through town we'll grab a mean together. They're retired and mostly live in their RV; before everything shut down, they would take "host" positions at various National parks. Yesterday was the first time I had seem them in a few years, bur rather than looking forward to it, I spent a lot of nervous energy paranoid, worried, dreading a surprise appearance from my mother. "Surprise Mother" events are why I don't have anything to do with most of that side of the family. "Oh, but she's so nice!" So nice that 3 of her 4 children refuse to have any contact? Anyway, they parked their RV and I picked them up. I kept worrying until the door was closed behind them, but mother wasn't there. I didn't really think she would be. Pam has done well respecting my boundary, even if she doesn't understand it. We ate, she told family stories. I asked about my Grandmother, the answer brushed against my Mother (apparently Grandmother is doing business out of mother's home). Things moved on quickly and it was a nice visit. Last night I had a really long and vivid nightmare. For some unknowable reason, I was visiting my mother. We were in a parking garage, and I started choking on the back of my tongue. I couldn't talk, only gasp for air. I tried getting my mother to take me to the hospital, or call 911, but she wouldn't do anything. I went out to the street, grasping my throat and gasping, but no one would stop or help me. Finally, I went back and took my mother's car, and after much fumbling with my phone, got it to tell me how to get to a hospital. Went to the ER, trying to get help, but apparently severe respiratory distress doesn't bump you to the head of the line. So I'm on my side over a few chairs, struggling to breath and I hear her behind me, on her phone, apparently reporting her car stolen. So I sat up and threw her keys are her and she apparently decided that everything was wonderful with us. And I could not get rid of her, could not tell the hospital staff that I didn't want her there. More even than I wanted to be able to breath, I wanted her gone. Moved to a room, but she was in it, so I wouldn't go in, but wandered the hallways gasping. Got bounced all around the hospital but couldn't get rid of her, always where I was supposed to be getting help. And then I stumbled upon my Father. In a really deep funk this morning. My head hurts, my throat hurts and I feel like I'm moving through molasses. I really hope nothing complicated brakes today, because I don't know that I could figure anything out.
  9. My current art project. I'm thinking of calling it "Creation or Supplication?"
  10. Really excited to get this posted and get going on a challenge. I've been semi-around for the last two challenges (didn't even make my own thread for the last one), but I'm feeling really motivated to get going this time and make some visible progress. (I've been refreshing the page all day to see if the this challenge was up!) I've been thinking about this next challenge, and what I think I want to do is purge. Less isn't more; less is air to breathe and space to think and move. I've been in my new place a year now and I'm still choking on boxes. Good chance that most of that stuff isn't really needed, and if it would be useful, it needs to be put away in a place where it can be used, not lost in a box. Also want to go through my bookshelves and get rid of things I doubt I'll ever read. I'm feeling crushed by stuff and mess and feeling so overwhelmed all I can do is ignore it and hope it goes away. Time to make it go away. Other two goals, 1. Drink water at home. Really good about drinking it at work, but all I tend to drink at home is sweet tea. I've got a bottle. I've got cold water, goal is drink at least 1 bottle of water every day off. 2. I need to move more. I've got a yoga DVD around somewhere that I really like. Need to find it. Moved my tv and plugged in my Xbox so I have a way to play it. Goal is to do the first section (about 15 minutes) 3 times a week.
  11. I've been thinking about the next challenge, and what I think I want to do is purge. Less isn't more; less is air to breathe and space to think and move. I've been in my new place a year now and I'm still choking on boxes. Good chance that most of that stuff isn't really needed, and if it would be useful, it needs to be put away in a place where it can be used, not lost in a box. Also want to go through my bookshelves and get rid of things I doubt I'll ever read. I'm feeling crushed by stuff and mess and feeling so overwhelmed all I can do is ignore it and hope it goes away. Time to make it go away. Other two goals, 1. Drink water at home. Really good about drinking it at work, but all I tend to drink at home is sweet tea. I've got a bottle. I've got cold water, goal is drink at least 1 bottle of water every day off. 2. I need to move more. I've got a yoga dvd around somewhere that I really like. Need to find it. Moved my tv and plugged in my Xbox so I have a way to play it. Goal is to do the first section (about 15 minutes) 3 times a week. I'll probably paste all this over once the next challenge goes live, but didn't want to wait on writing it.
  12. I played the violin last night. It has been months since I played. Don't know where the hymnal I marked all the pages on is, and wasn't having much luck randomly flipping through a different hymnal, so closed my eyes and just played what I could remember.
  13. Didn't do much Saturday after painting. Sunday I managed to take care of a few tasks I'd been putting off.
  14. I think things went well the HR. Did some painting today; mostly texturing the tree.
  15. It has been an extremely Tuesday Thursday for me. Mind you, I did take the first two days off this week, so everything is thrown. Had a couple talks with my manager the last two days. He wants me to take on more of the responsibilities to help prove to HR that I can handle them. All a big mess still and I'm torn on trying to ride it through into something, or jumping ship. I know he supports me and has been pushing as well as he can. He needs a maintenance supervisor, and he wants me in that role, but he's facing opposition on both those things. Plant manager told me (in so many words) that it would "suck ass" if I quit. Don't really see how expanding my role further with no corresponding increases in compensation really incentivizes me to stay. But I do generally like my job, and the majority of the people I work with, I just need more money and power and less shit from these people. Got a meeting with the HR Manager tomorrow. Haven't had the spoons to really work on the resume yet. Been focused on making it through Easter. Working 50 hour weeks, plus bell practice, Wednesday services, Maggie's health issues, then all the Holy Week stuff, and assisting with funerals the last two Saturdays... Took Monday as a desperately needed day of not having to leave home. Tuesday and after work yesterday we're all about Maggie's health. Her kidneys are tanking again. I'm not doing well at self care, but I'm so tired I don't even know how to start. Trying to do less for Maggie, but she can't even go two weeks without a legitimate medical emergency and I don't know how to make others pick up the ball, or how to get her to not have me be the first person she turns to. Like yesterday, doctor called her about her lab results from Tuesday, and told her she needed to get up to the hospital quickly for IV medication. So she calls me and asks me to get in touch with one of her brothers to help her get an Uber to the hospital. She was going to take an Uber home after the IV but had an accident and needed me to come up and get her. I'm so just done right now, but I don't know how to finish without everything falling apart. 6:30 here. I've already taken my sleep meds and am writing this in bed. Maybe I can sleep. Maybe tomorrow things will be clearer.
  16. Hi Bean, I pray that you are well and that you have a good Easter with Hubby and the Agents.
  17. I sent an email last night to M's brothers and our Pastors. I am going to be extremely blunt here; M's situation is beyond my ability to fix, and my capacity is exhausted. I must do less than I have been doing, and she needs more help than I was providing. I do not believe that, at this time, she has the capacity to safely live on her own, or care for herself. She is unable to function inside a store and after three weeks of effort, has not been able to set up a grocery pickup. She is frequently missing meals. She is unable to follow up consistently with her medical situation. She is missing medical appointments. Her attempts to communicate with doctors in writing turn into a mess of words that do more to hide meaning than convey it. She is unable to consistently reply to email, voice-mail or text message. She struggles to answer the phone, often taking multiple attempts to call her before she'll pick up, even if the ringer is on. If the ringer is off, she'll be unreachable for days at a time. Her sleep schedule is often highly disrupted, adding more difficulty to all of the above, and when she gets sick, she has ended up spending days stuck in bed without reaching out for help, and when finally contacted by staff in her building, her first response is to say that she is fine. She was going to set up a phone call with her brothers and I for last weekend, but like much of intended communications, it didn't happen, so I'm writing this email to try and bring heads together and move forward. She isn't fine, but she also isn't able to tell or communicate how not-fine she is. It is my firm belief that she needs to either be living with someone that can look after her, or she needs to be in some level of assisted living / care facility. I do not have the ability to make either of these things happen, and frankly it isn't my place. The note she sent the nurse practitioner. It is a struggle to follow, and by the time you get to the end, you're likely to lose track of the first and most important part about the UTI not clearing up.
  18. I like it here right now, and I'm ok with sinking deeper into the archive. Starting a new thread right now feels insurmountable. I started writing this post yesterday and it has taken a full day just to get this far.
  19. Does there come a point where I can't just keep posting here?
  20. In conversation with the plant manager today "it would suck ass to lose you" He's still pushing to be allowed a maintenance supervisor, and he wants me in that role. There's been progress on it in the last week, and he is hoping for an answer in the next few, but can't promise. Corporate has been told that I'm a flight risk and would be hard to replace. He's also willing to help me polish my resume and provide a reference. "This hasn't been fair to you"
  21. Uti isn't cleared up. She's more incoherent and sleeping excessively. She hadn't been responding to calls or texts. Went over this afternoon and knocked until she woke up. Getting her together to go to the ER. She needs a social worker. There needs to be someone that can do wellness checks and it needs to not depend on me deciding that the time has come for me to pound on the door. I don't have the spoons for this. Spent the entire drive debating if there was really a problem or just Maggie not communicating again. I really just wanted to go home from work and I almost did.
  22. I should start a new thread... Today I told my manager that I am going to start sending out resumes. As I told him, I am a valuable employee, but I am not valued by the company. He doesn't want me to quit but he can't get the company to give him the resources he needs, and he knows I've been pushing this for a long time. I'm honestly scared of trying to change jobs, but don't feel like I can just wait there indefinitely. I started pushing on the pay raise/ promotion thing in January of last year. It doesn't feel like local management is the roadblock, but they can't get it done and I've waited long enough.
  23. Still alive(ish). No homicides yet. Was hoping to get a jump on the next challenge, but this week has been much too much. Been involved with this "continuous improvement" project at work all week, focused on maintenance and downtime. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but still really taxing. Good opportunity to show my value to my new manager (he's in it too), but I don't think he really needs convincing on the pay raise/promotion front. A big chunk of this is about a maintenance program he's been trying to get authorized for months, and someone he's been trying to get permission to bring on just accepted another offer. Basically, this damn company won't move when it needs to. On a more fun note, I just sold a painting for $100. On a less fun note, M has been doing extra poorly lately, made much worse by a widespread shortage of Adderall. Yesterday I insisted on her going to the Urgent Care. She was worried about ending up in a "locked ward". I love her, I really do, but her perception of reality is really damn skewed. She didn't get locked up, she got meds for her UTI. 9:30 at night and I just got an "are you up?" text from my doctor... I had sent her office an email about mild headaches I've been having for the last few weeks, and M had sent an email about (wall of text here) and she was a bit worried about us while doing her charting. I'm ok. She had me check my blood pressure (it was fine) we talked for a bit. She doesn't think it is a sinus infection because the headache keeps moving around. Might be allergy, apparently she's getting a lot of those right now, earlier than normal. She sent something to my pharmacy for me to try. Wants to know if anything changes or if new symptoms come up. I like her. Been seeing her for years. Her practice is often really busy, and the location is rather inconvenient, but the care I've gotten really can't be beaten. Neither she nor her staff had been able to parse what M was asking for in her email. Said that I think she was asking to try Vyvanse as the Adderall was still unavailable, so she sent over a script for that too. Hopefully it'll work out.
  24. One of my co-workers is walking around whistling "Frosty the Snowman" If you never hear from me again, I might have found it necessary to murder him.
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