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Whisper

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Everything posted by Whisper

  1. I can see how it might seem like bore-out, enough that I've been thinking about it since you posted the idea, but I don't think that's it. I'm not bored, I'm discouraged and I've given up. It isn't that there isn't things to do, it's that there's so much to do that it can't possibly get done, and the company refuses to provide the resource needed to make it possible to even make a dent in things, so why keep banging my head against the wall? Why try at all? At full staffing, I should have 4 guys on day shift, plus the manager, a guy working a split shift, and 4 guys on night shift. When we had that, the general feeling was that we didn't have enough people. Now? Two guys on nights, still got a guy on split, and day shift? Me. A guy retiring at the end of the year that's busily burning all his PTO (out all this week) that they're not going to try and replace before he's long gone. A guy out on short term disability that's about to roll over to long term. A guy that quit nearly two months ago, with notice. They posted for his replacement last Friday. and a guy that I am fucking pissed as hell that they haven't fired yet. Late, half an hour to hours every day. Got a text from him 30 minutes into the shift that he forgot to set his alarm and would be in as soon as possible. Never showed. Not even surprised. I want him gone so someday they might start looking for a replacement. The manager I had when I was hired never did any real managing. He retired, the guy they brought on to replace him and build a real Maintenance program lasted less than a year before giving up and retiring. They wouldn't give him what he needed to do what they wanted him to do. Then they had me running around trying to cover his role for nearly 6 months with no additional compensation until they finally hired another Manager in February. He's still trying, but has started to give up too. Updated my resume, put it on Indeed. Working on updating LinkedIn. I'm not bored. I'm done.
  2. On Saturday, I took a quick lap around my block in the cool of the pre-dawn morning before going to painting. On Sunday, I took a much longer walk around my neighborhood; it was mostly lovely, except I was wandering and ended up going past the creepy house with a menagerie of giant stuffed animals all over the yard. It's the kind of thing that could have been delightful for a day, but left out in the weather for years? I hate that house. Yesterday I followed the advice of "easy hike near me" and went to Hidden Hollow, only about 5 minutes drive from my house. The Hollow itself was really nice, a stream with trees and ferns and such, but it was really small, surrounded by a shopping district, there was a longer, paved walking path that ran through it that I followed for a while, but wasn't really what I was looking for. It ran next to a really large park, with even mowed grass on one side, and an overview of a freeway on the other. I think it would be really good for people jogging or biking and I'm happy it is there, but if I wanted to walk next to mowed lawns, I can do that in my neighborhood, with my better variety of flowers and things to look at. I might try checking out the hollow again after work one day, with the water and shade it should be fairly cool and might be good for a short walk, maybe try and take a few laps around it. This morning I went 10 minutes away to a proper trail head. I had the choice of going up or down, and figured I would want to be going down on the way out, so went up. I could only go about 20 feet or so before needing to stop and catch my breath, but it had a nice view out over the Salt Lake Valley, with the lights of the city, and the trail just lighting up enough to see. There was a good length of fairly level ground that I followed for a while until it started to get steep again, so headed back to a fork and followed a different section for a bit. When that started going up again, I decided to head back out. Not sure how long I spent, probably less than half an hour, but it was good and exactly what I'm looking for with a hike, something that gets my heart going without needing to be fast, and being out in something that feels a lot more like real nature. Sure, there has to be some level of maintenance, but it isn't manicured. I don't think I would want to do it after work right now, not with the temps getting up above 90 degrees, but I do think it is well worth revisiting weekend mornings. I'm kind of missing having a Fitbit, or something like it, right now. I would like to know how many steps I'm taking on any given day, and have a record of the walks/hikes to compare and see how long/far I'm going. I wore a Fitbit for a few years, but ended up being frustrated by how well they didn't seem to hold up, and how big they were getting. I might look into what options there are now. For a long time I was averaging 10-12k steps every day. I'm sure I'm way under that now. Just a couple years ago, I could go for a 6 mile walk and be fine, and was hiking almost every day. I stopped when I moved to my current place; didn't know where to go and didn't make the effort to find out. But this morning really reminded me of why I was hiking so much, it's hard and I don't have the "body" for it, but it also feels good and accomplished and peaceful and beautiful.
  3. Struggling and tired. Most boxes have happened. Sunday I fell asleep without brushing. Yesterday I almost skipped most of them but managed to push through and do all but sorting. I tried, but when I looked in the box my brain just started screaming "no". So two red boxes. Today is Thursday. I hadn't showered since Sunday. Couldn't seem to get myself up and in and kept saying I'd shower in the morning, when I couldn't get myself out of bed. Made a deal witg myself, I took a shower, but any boxes left undone won't count today. Grey not red. I think I should probably see my doctor. She normally wanted to see me every 3 months to mange med levels and check blood work. It's probably been nearly a year since my last appointment. Maggie always had questions or other stuff or wanted to come along and I didn't want to deal with it. So I stopped going. Maggie... she emailed me tonight. Nothing out of line, I still haven't delt with the car insurance and she was emailed some questions when I had a rock chip repaired. I want to tell her I miss her. I want to ask her how she is. I want her to tell me that she's ok. I don't think it's a good idea. I'll deal with it after I've slept. Been thinking it would probably be a good idea to try and find a therapist again. Tried and failed to find one a few years back; may be worth another effort. Not really making progress on sorting stuff. Too overwhelmed, stuff in the way of putting stuff away. Starting to think what I should do is put everything not in an "away" into a box, and make a neat stack of boxes and everything outside the boxes will be neat and clean and I'll have room to move. Then I can take one box at a time, and everything that comes out of the box either goes to its new away, goes in a donate box, or goes in the trash. I want to blame work for how burned out I still am; I mean, I am working 50-60 hours every week. But truth be told, I'm not actually "working " that much. I'm being paid to be there and to respond when things happen, but I spend a lot of time at my desk browsing the internet, or watching streams. Something breaks and I'll fix it,but then I'm back to slacking off. I get a 4 day weekend for the holiday and I've got a few goals. 1. Go to painting on Saturday (been a really long time) 2. Go for an easy hike at least one morning (been a really really really long time since I've done any hiking) 3. Put all messes into boxes. 4. Get all dishes ckean and put away.
  4. I've been trying to write a post since Monday. This is a post, I've written it.
  5. I've been doing good on checking all the boxes every day. Sometimes it really is minimal, like brushing my teeth but not using toothpaste, or watching/listening to something self help (I hate that and want a different word) related, but most of the time I'm doing a fuller job. Just, when I'm tired and tempted to take a red box, I'm trying to at least do the minimum my brain needs to call it "good enough for today" I am not happy with my lack of progress getting things sorted after having the floors redone, so I'm planning to give myself a specific goal every day. I've been stuck at "I need space to have the space to make space " and feeling overwhelmed and not making ground. Today's goal was "switch the ottoman and the folding table ". Took some doing and back and forth, but I got them switched and feel better situated to make more progress tomorrow.
  6. Ahem Where were we? I needed to stop at Walgreens today, and ended spending a bunch of time looking at nail polish, and got the one closest to the color of my unpainted nail. I want to take more control of my appearance and decorate myself in a way that I find pleasing. I'm happy with the color and I think it will help me in that direction. Start really subtle and gradually less so... Unfortunately, my finishing school completely omitted the fine art of nail painting, and I didn't think to look up instructions before hand. The execution leaves my to be desired. I'll probably clean it off tomorrow and do some reading on HOW before I give it another go. Challenge went really well last week. Having the physical sheet hanging prominently is a big help. Don't think I'm going to change anything for week 1, but I will say that the "read" goal does not necessarily involve actually reading. A YouTube video on clutter or dealing with trauma would also count. Not sure what a better word would be, so for now it is "read"
  7. As expected, the hand marker didn't do wonderfully in the shower. Enough held on that I'm hoping what I wanted on my forearm will last a few days. I have a less temporary marker coming soon. And I just noticed that I spelled "night" wrong...
  8. I will have all green boxes for this week by the time I go to bed. Some of my body art stuff arrived today.
  9. I lived at a place with wisteria for a while. Beautiful flowers, but it does like to grow aggressively.
  10. I think from an overall life balance, moving over would be for the best. You said it is at the same agency, so you would still be able to see current boss, and once you're settled in and feel like you have extra bandwidth, could you potentially offer to pinch-hit?
  11. We've had some people on here before that we're really into IF and would add full day fasts as well... so it could have been 6 meals a week.
  12. So, markers to give yourself temporary tattoos are a thing. I've got some coming, along with some stencils and I'm kind of excited to play around with body art. I've also been thinking more about wanting to decorate my nails, but been reluctant to have something too noticeable; it feels like any color would stand out and standing out still makes me uncomfortable (says the 6'4", 390lbs giant) While looking at markers, I also found these which I think might be a comfortable step. https://inkbox.com/products/flower-powered Does anyone remember the movie "What the bleep do we know"? There's this scene where they're talking about words changing the shape of water molecules, and a man turns to the protagonist and says something like "if words can do that to water, imagine what they can do to us". I've thought at times ever sense then of putting words on myself. Not because I think the words themselves have power; if someone were to tattoo something on the back of my neck without me knowing it would be void. But in placing the words myself, or making the choice to have them placed, there is power. Power in the act of will, power in the remembrance. I am covered in Grace, even when I don't see or feel it, and it seems beneficial to have that marked on me, as an act of recognition, as a reminder, and as a declaration. A thought, as I sit here typing and thinking. standing out still makes me uncomfortable (says the 6'4", 390lbs giant) I think I've wanted to hide all my life, and never really been able to. I still want to hide, still want to be unnoticed, but at the same time want to express myself in ways I feel will grab attention, at least until people get used to it and it fades into the background. I think that's why it took me so long to finally get my ears pierced. Maybe it is worth going through the "gasp, what did you do" to get to the point where it is simply just Aaron being Airen.
  13. Thinking I might actually get a tattoo someday. Challenge going well so far. Having the physical paper to color is better for me. Realized I was one box away before bed last night and decided that I didn't want to make it red more than I didn't want to do it.
  14. A good choice. The rain or the pork chops? I love the smell of rain.
  15. On the bright side, my new bracelet arrived today
  16. In a kind of bad head-space this afternoon. Angry at people complaining about a "two tier justice system " while ignoring that the guy they're white knighting is getting the kid glove treatment. Thinking about my own legal experience. Thinking about the much more messed up shit other people have gone through...
  17. If you trust in yourself and believe in your dreams and follow your star ... you'll still get beaten out by people who spent their time working hard and learning things -The Wee Free Men, Terry Pratchett Ah, the wisdom of Sir Terry. Good goals. What are you reading?
  18. I've taken to getting single serving bags of chips to avoid that. There's a trail mix blend I like making that I'm solid with a small baggie of, but will mindlessly eat a full bowl if not pre portioned.
  19. A bit about me: I've long considered myself Queer, both in the archaic and modern senses of the word. I've long struggled with what that actually means in my case; for a time I though "gay" might be the answer, but it didn't really fit me. Currently, the best fitting labels would probably be "Gender Queer" and "Aromantic" . I'm not exactly out and not exactly closeted. The family I choose to be in contact with know. It doesn't really come up at work or church, and I don't really have friends. Most of the time, I am content to let other people's assumptions stand. If actually asked, I'll usually answer "happily single". "I don't really have friends"... I think there are a lot of people that genuinely like me, find me intelligent and funny and helpful, and I in turn like them. But I don't talk with them about myself, don't really ask them about themselves. We interact, but we don't really know each other. I'm sure many of them would say that they are friends with me, but in my head, the label doesn't fit. We're friendly acquaintances. I tend to have between zero and one person that I actually think of as a friend. For the last 10 or so years, my friend has been Maggie, and three weeks ago, I ended our relationship. It was necessary. It hasn't really been a friendship, but a toxic entanglement, with me trying to save her. I can't save her, and I can't keep drowning myself trying, and we finally reached a breaking point. I still like her, still care about her, still think about her almost constantly, but I can't be there any more. So, I'm trying to learn to take care of myself again. I hate that my "goals" are goals for me, and not just functional adult stuff. But beating myself up isn't going to fix anything, so I'm trying to remember to be gentle, to take little steps in the right direction every day. I was reading one book on Boundaries, that I think helped me break things with Maggie, but was also driving me crazy in a lot of ways, so rather than keep beating myself against that book, I'm trying a different one. Want to spend time reading about and improving self care and how it ties in with clutter. I've felt stagnant for a long time. I'm trying to start growing again.
  20. ... do the same thing over again expecting different results. That's how the old saw goes; right? So, despite my ongoing failure to stick with Challenges, I think I came up with a really good format a few challenges back, so I'm going to be sticking with that. Week Zero Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Check Goals Make this box green Established Take meds Drink 1 Bottle of Water In bed by 8:15 Practice Spanish New Brush teeth Clean cat box 5 mins sorting stuff Read Extras Shema Praise music Pray Spiritual reading Check Blood Pressure Check Blood Sugar Stretch / yoga Walk outside Floss Bathe Active play with cats Brush cats No food after 6pm Wake up at 3:30 Out of bed by 3:35 Practice Violin Practice Visual Art All dishes done 5 min tidying a room Sweep/swiffer 1 room What I am not going to be sticking with is the same execution of the Challenge. Having a nice form that I can color in on my computer and post here is only good if I actually go to the tab that the thing is on. And I don't. So this time, it is printed, and I have color pencils, and it is taped right next to my bedroom door. I looked at it yesterday, and suddenly realized that I hadn't taken my meds or drank any water, so I did that. Filled all the challenge boxes with green and got in a few extras. "Make this box green" might seem like a simple enough task, but I really think it is the most important one each day. If I look, if I remind myself what I'm trying to achieve for myself, the other boxes are much more likely to turn green than if I just ask myself "wasn't I supposed to do something?"
  21. It feels far too late to try restarting this challenge 😢 So instead, I'll just try starting the next challenge now; Week -1 baby! To mix my cliches "If at first you don't succeed, try the same thing over again expecting different results" Still sucking at self care. Still think working on getting solid on a couple things while steel being aware of other areas is a good idea, even if I haven't managed to take any of the "new" things and make them "established" in the last couple challenges. I want you to know that while the typo above was on intentional, I have noticed it and decided to keep it. I am going to try a couple small shifts. Instead of just coloring my boxes on the google sheet, I'm going to try printing out the week so I can have it and color it in meat space. I'll probably post it on my bedroom door so it is right there for me to see, not on a tab I have to be on my computer and clicking over to. In accordance with this, I've decided to get some colored pencils and coloring books to use while listening to things. I'm struggling to stretch my creativeness and this seems like an easy way to ease back in to that. Week Negative One Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Check Goals Make this box green Established Take meds Drink 1 Bottle of Water In bed by 8:15 Practice Spanish New Brush teeth Clean cat box 5 mins sorting stuff Read Extras Shema Praise music Pray Spiritual reading Check Blood Pressure Check Blood Sugar Stretch / yoga Walk outside Floss Bathe Active play with cats Brush cats No food after 6pm Wake up at 3:30 Out of bed by 3:35 Practice Violin Practice Visual Art All dishes done 5 min tidying a room Sweep/swiffer 1 room
  22. Been a bit over two weeks, I haven't contacted her, she hasn't contacted me, but I'm still thinking about her all the time. What else do I expect? She's been my default thought for over 10 years. Been trying to focus on other things, distractions mostly, but I keep worrying about her. I go to the pharmacy, how is she getting her meds... I know I can't continue being her safety net. I know I can't be her friend without becoming totally emished. I know I wasn't wrong to cut her out, no one has in any way indicated that they think I was wrong. But it still sucks
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