Whisper

Bad news, she did eventually go over to my place.

Called her 30 minutes before the end of my shift, she said she'd come back.

Called her at the end of my shift, she hadn't left.

Half an hour after my shift, she's not here and she's not answering her phone.

This is why our relationship is a one way street, because any time I try and let her do anything for me, best case scenario, nothing happens. 

Can I even be mad at her? I'm not even sure she has volition. 

Should have known better. 

Kind of want to scream right now.

Maggie has offered several times to help me get my apartment ready for the floors being done. I've said yes, but haven't been foolish enough to actually count on her; She didn't make it over last week. She didn't make it over yesterday. I'm working this morning, she had me pick her up on my way, so she could do some cleaning while I'm here. She asked me to add a few items to my WalMart delivery order. I asked her to send me a list, and told her to take her Adderall before I got out of the car. Two hours later, still no list, called her, she's working on it. Another hour and a half, still no list, called her again, she never took the Adderall, still didn't have the list, and wanted to start doing it over the phone with me...

Put my foot down. Told her I wasn't willing to try and search their website while on the phone with her. I listened to what she had listed before and she was just going to have to deal with what I ended up ordering for her.

No idea if she'll actually help out at my place at all. I'm not going to have her there with me, too much work trying to keep her on task when I can just do things myself. 

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Someone please remind me to buy a goddamn air purifier asap. I'd been putting it off because I kept forgetting to ask someone to help me take measurements of my room. But I finally got them so now I just need to fucking buy an appropriate sized one and keep forgetting despite desperately wanting one. 

It has been 8 hours. Hopefully you've slept and will order the purifier when you wake up.

On 5/16/2023 at 12:15 PM, fleaball said:

how'd the weekend go?

Wait! Who am I? Where are you? What's going on?!?

Oh yeah, I did that "vanish for a week" thing again. Trying to get back on and reconnect.

Weekend went well. The wedding was successful, so the affianced are now (hopefully blissfully) wed. Had to threaten to leave without Maggie to get her to come out of her apartment before it. Had to threaten to leave without her to get her to actually come out after...

Sunday I went to church by myself. The service was nice and not too "Mother's Day". Didn't do much after.

Monday, I went to work. And then decided that I didn't want to keep doing that this week. I'm getting high up on time off hours, and we're going to be even more short handed when one of our techs leaves at the end of the month, so decided to take off Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  I was going to use the time to get my apartment ready for the floor changes, but procrastinated.

Tuesday, I mostly played Vault Hunters (Minecraft mod pack)

Wednesday I made my semiannually pilgrimage to the police station (should be the 2nd to last time I have to do that) ate junk food, drink Mike's Hard and played my game.

Thursday, I actually worked on getting ready. Took more work than I thought it would, and got less done that I had planned, but I do feel like I'm in a good position to finish before Monday. All the bookcases are emptied and moved out with their contents.  Really, really need to work on purging things as they come back out of the boxes. I don't need to keep my D&D books that I haven't used since college,  some books from my dad that I'll never open... want to get rid of some of the semi sentimental baubles that I would probably never notice if they were gone, but still feel a twinge of guilt about not keeping. 

I'm also thinking about getting something more comfortable to sit on than an office chair. Not too easy to get stuff in, down some stairs and an awkward turn to get in, so thinking something like a futon might work.

Challenge wise.

Bad on making my box green.

Good on meds

Bad on plain water

Good on bedtime

Good on Spanish.

Bad on Teeth, cat box and Boundaries. 

I really don't manage any consistency when I step out of my normal routine. 

Went to bed around 5:30 yesterday, slept fairly well and feeling a bit less exhausted today. 

Stuck feeling like I could pass out at any moment today.  Was really hard to get out of bed and just hasn't gotten better 4 hours later. Feels like it has been getting harder all week. Bell practice got canceled for tonight, might take the backup sleep meds and try to getting to bed extra early tonight. Which reminds me, I need to pick up my Narcolepsy meds on the way home today.

I took His Excellency, Sasha Generalissimo Meow von Pussycat, 42nd Earl of White Haven, Defender of the Realm, and Keeper of the Faith back to the vet after work yesterday.  I tried spiking his food with some chill pills, but he wouldn't eat his lunch for a change. They had me go from one to two, and I'm thinking he could taste it and didn't like it. I'll try using pill treats next time. He was good for everything until they tried taking his blood, then he was rolling and fighting enough that they were worried about hurting him. We did talk about how I'm trimming his claws, I had some questions about how far back to go, and I'm switching from using my nail clippers, to some scissor like ones that are supposed to be better for cats.

Haven't had any steam this week to work on my needed packing. I really don't want to have to rush to get ready for the floors, but I'm worried that panic is the only thing that'll actually produce the spoons to do it.

Hugs

This is going to be a rough week. In addition two a bunch of problems at work, I've got a vet appointment Wednesday afternoon, Bell practice, Thursday, a wedding rehearsal on Friday (I'm running projection) and the actual wedding on Saturday. Far too much not being home in a row.

I've made it through the first 2 chapters of Boundaries and have started on the 3rd. It's gotten a bit less "random verses everywhere", and I do feel like it is providing useful perspective. I'm not 100% committed to it, but I'm going to keep sticking with it for now. I did order another book on the subject as either a backup, or a follow up. 

On 5/2/2023 at 8:19 AM, fleaball said:

I haven't read this one yet (library waiting list is crazy long) but I keep seeing it recommended everywhere. 
 

https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace-1

Went ahead and ordered it. Not sure if I'll read it instead of the other one, or in addition to it.

I'm feeling a bit miffed today, so as I always do when angry, I sent an email 

This morning I was asked to move the scissor lift from where warehouse had stashed it after inventory, but found that the battery was dead, so went back to maintenance and grabbed a coiled extension cord off a work table. 

As soon as I plugged it in, both the outlet and the coil in my hand started to spark and smoke. After unplugging and examining the cable, I found it to have a roughly 2 inch section that was extremely damaged with exposed wires.

This cable should NEVER have been lift sitting out anywhere. If you find a damaged cable, disable it so that someone else can't use it, even if you plan on repairing it. A cable like this shouldn't even be thrown away without the plugs cut off to keep someone from pulling it out of the trash and using it.

So, two big challenges, in addition to continuing to work on establishing healthy habits.

1. The flooring in my living room and bedroom are going to be replaced later this month. I'm in a 1 bedroom basement apartment, so just about need to move out to be ready for this. Goal is to spend a little bit of time everyday getting ready, so I'm not rushing at the last minute.  I've held on to tge Banker Boxes that have gotten me through the last two moves, need to pull some out of the closet and start filling them. Really good opportunity to sort through things, and think about a different layout. Also thinking about investing in something a bit more relaxed to hang out in than an office chair. 

2. I've been in a complicated relationship for several years. We tried dating for a while, then were friends. The last 5 years or so I've been more caregiver than anything else, and I'm just totally burned out. I helped her start getting medical treatment, helped her get into section 8 housing, helped her get on disability... I worry about her every damn day and I just can't continue.  So Imma read a book.

A few years ago, @Tanktimus the Encourager encouraged me to get a copy of Boundaries. I got it, but didn't open it. A few weeks ago, my pastor encouraged me to read it. I've made a start, but I'm having a lot of trouble with it, not really on the substance, but more with tone ("the consequences of loose living") and the incessant Bible reference. 

I am a Christian leary of Christians. It seems that the people most loudly claiming that title do not share my faith. I believe in Grace and Redemption, and I understand these things through the context of Jesus Christ. But I do not believe in the Bible, or perhaps more accurately, I do not trust people that open their translation of a translation of a book written over centuries in a culture radically different from our own, much of it poetry, parable and allegory, and start thumping on it and declaring "this is the literal word of God, and the Bible says..."

The Bible says be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.

The Bible also says that it is better for us to remain unwed and chaste.

Pick your bits right and you can say "the Bible says!" just about anything you want. 

A bit ago, I was reading a forum and someone posted the following in regards to scripture: Literally? No indeed. It's poetry, meant to express what human knowledge cannot yet express, much less prove true or false, but that cannot be passed over in silence. When does life begin? the preacher asks. The scientist can only respond: What is life?

So when I'm reading, and every paragraph has Bible references, it feels like an endless appeal to authority, but rather than strengthening their point, for me it undermines it.

I'm not yet sure what I'm going to do. I might try continuing with the book and see if I can put aside my own knee jerk reaction. Fleaball suggested a different book on boundaries, I might give that a go instead. Either way, this is an area I want/need to dedicate this challenge to working on, so I can be less enmeshed and start living my own life.

Last challenge, I started using a daily goal tracker to try and start building a few healthy habits, and remind myself of other things that would be good to do, but don't get a red box if they're missed. My performance was mediocre, which for me is a fairly good challenge. I didn't even totally vanish for weeks on end!

Every Day

1. Use Challenge spreadsheet

2. Read Boundaries 

3. Do some packing 

Gonna post this so I can work on it on a different computer. Might edit it, might just make another.

On 4/19/2023 at 7:07 AM, Whisper said:

A few years ago, Tank told me to get a copy of Boundaries and I was a good little Whisper and promptly ordered it. I mean, I didn't do anything crazy like actually open it, but I did buy it!  Talking with one of my pastors on Sunday, he told me to read some book called "Boundaries" by some Cloud person... I really should find it and read it, but I'm honestly scared to.

I found the book (please, please, hold your applause until the end!)

I opened the book.

I flipped through the book and read random words and paragraphs.

I flipped to the front of the book and read the first chapter. 

I even started reading the 2nd chapter.

It's... a lot more preachy than I was expecting, wasn't expecting it to be preachy at all to be honest. 

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

Has he had issues when eating those things or was he just told not to? Apparently now there's no evidence to support avoiding it all and instead you're supposed to eat a fiber high diet. My nutritionist was like " yeah no, please eat nuts and seeds" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

He was told to avoid, and had some flair ups when he had things he shouldn't have. delayed response, so hard to blame anything specific. I haven't spoke with him in several years, so would definitely go with what your nutritionist says.

Do you have good areas around you for walking?

My father has diverticulitis, it is managable, but yeah, going to be hard with a vegan diet, or honestly, any diet going for less processed food. Nuts and seeds are obvious, though I understand that creamy peanut butter is fine. I think things like brown rice, Quinoa, and popcorn are also problematic. 

Hope Poncho feels better.

I love the Carrot Sword

Cut my hair tonight 

Been trying to write a post. Been failing for days. Way too tired. Skipping bell practice tonight. Gonna take an over due shower and go to bed super early. 

On 4/20/2023 at 5:52 AM, Everstorm said:

I definitely need more goats in my life 😍

This is a statement of fact that I did not know applied to me until today. 

Literally? No indeed. It's poetry, meant to express what human knowledge cannot yet express, much less prove true or false, but that cannot be passed over in silence.

When does life begin? the preacher asks. The scientist can only respond: What is life?

1 hour ago, Chesire said:

Those earrings are amazing!  I need to find some cool new ones now.

I've been trying to figure out a bit more where I feel comfortable identifying, and maybe find subtle ways to express it.

The earrings are the aromantic colors, also available in other pride colors. I can't wear them to work, too likely to get caught in something, but I did wear them to church the last two Sundays. It was a bit amusing having one lady admiring them to an older lady that was definitely not going to say anything negative. They like me, but I know I confuse the heck out of some of them.

At work I have to wear a (break away) lanyard with my badge on. I've been looking for pins to put on it to express myself.  Put the first two on yesterday. The feather is in genderqueer colors. I just liked the star. I found a pin with a stack of books in pride colors, they said they'd have aro in their next set. I'll probably get a violin too, maybe a bell...

No one's said anything, which is kind of the reaction I wanted. It's the reaction I wanted when I finally peirced my ears. The reaction I want if I decide to paint my nails or do something else. Just, them being them. But Im still scared of reaction. Nervous about the earrings and pin I don't expect anyone to understand. So they're not flag shaped, just colors.

13 minutes ago, Chesire said:

You've spent so much of your energy fighting to care for others that it sounds like your body and brain are demanding their own caring now. 

 

Also, awesome boundary setting!  I hope people are respecting those boundaries, or that you find the strength to maintain them.

I've been in this cycle for a long time now, maybe 7 years? I've tried having boundaries, but haven't done well at maintaining them, and I've watched her get worse, and better, and worse... She is unable to consistently care for herself, and I just can't continue to try filling the gap, but even when I try and stop I still keep doing it. Even when I'm not with her, so much of my mental energy is spent worrying about her.

I'm trying to be at the point of "I'll call you in the morning, if you're up, you can use the car while I'm at work", but yesterday was definitely a more day.  She's still sick, not getting better. Tried going to a walk in clinic, but couldn't be seen before my shift ended. They held her place in line, I brought her back to the clinic and then went to the pharmacy for her.  Then ended up waiting outside the clinic for a couple hours, tired and hungry and with a headache getting worse and worse. They needed to do something involving a speculum, and anything involving that area of her body leaves her super freaked out, and I couldn't just tell her to figure out her own way home. So I waited.  It wasn't where I wanted the boundary to be, but it also seemed like the right thing to do. I just need to not let hours of my time after a 10+ hour shift be anywhere near the norm. 

She managed to leave her cell phone at the clinic, and she didn't wake up this morning when I called her apartment phone.  I want to tell her that this is her problem to find a solution to, but am worried that I'll end up taking care of it after work. I was too dead to do anything but hit a drive through on the way home, feed the cats, take some headache stuff and curl up in bed after I got home yesterday.  I need to have time and spoons left to take care of my stuff too. 

A few years ago, Tank told me to get a copy of Boundaries and I was a good little Whisper and promptly ordered it. I mean, I didn't do anything crazy like actually open it, but I did buy it!  Talking with one of my pastors on Sunday, he told me to read some book called "Boundaries" by some Cloud person... I really should find it and read it, but I'm honestly scared to.