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Seraphina

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Everything posted by Seraphina

  1. I wanted to do a proper challenge, and failed again, so that's cool. Questioning the merit of doing these in the first place, as every challenge has ended with me feeling bad that I haven't kept up and I don't lose any weight. It just reminds me of all the goals I set that I never reach, even if they're small. I broke up with my boyfriend on Saturday, as planned. I was really, really sad afterwards. I still am, even though I'm sure it was the right decision. We were making each other miserable. Since then I haven't really interacted with other people much, and I realized that even though we were long distance, I talked to him all day, every day through texting and I don't really do that with anyone else. He agreed that he wanted to remain friends, but I don't think we'll talk often, especially not at first. I know we both need the distance, but I don't exactly have a giant group of friends to lean on. Or anyone. So I'll just play games alone, and feel bad, I guess. I brought this upon myself anyway. GOAL 1: MENTAL BANISHING SPELL IDK just have beer for dinner GOAL 2: RITUAL OF RESTORATION IDK my ankle hurts because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat. So it doesn't matter what I do to try to "repair" my ankle, because the only thing that will help is not being fucking fat. GOAL 3: CAROLINA'S GRASP IDK I've spent countless hours on my portfolio, tailoring resumes, writing cover letters, finding jobs to apply to. I haven't had a single interview. K bye
  2. I'm glad you're making progress with getting the bf on board with the 5k. These days, everything you do makes you a potential terrorist target if you want to get technical. They want everyone to live in fear of them, but the odds of it actually happening are so incredibly low. Live your life and do fun things. Sent from my E6603 using Tapatalk
  3. Yeah they're prohibitively expensive here as well.... Sent from my E6603 using Tapatalk
  4. In coming back to make a proper post, it occurred to me that we are no longer in week 2. I looked back at my tracking and my plan, and I honestly can't even say what I did on what day. Oops.... This weekend is THE BIG BREAKUP. I think after the weekend is over and I've processed it a little, I'll be able to come back for the final stretch and finish strong. It doesn't help that my plans changed mid-challenge because what I was doing wasn't working.
  5. I haven't read the Four Tendencies, but it kinda sounds like I need to. I definitely do just fine with outer expectations, often to the detriment of myself. Glo run sounds fun!!! I've never done a nighttime 5k, I bet it's a blast
  6. Thanks Raxie! You're right... the guilt is misplaced. I so need a love for this, like is not enough <3
  7. If you gave it everything you had, it's a victory. I'm glad you decided to stay safe! Also, this isn't your last or only chance to do something like this, right? If you can try again, I'd start working on that plan to help focus your energy away from not making it this time.
  8. Also, my head is so not in this right now.... again. A friend of mine called me at 5:30 yesterday. His girlfriend dumped him and kicked him out, and I offered to have him stay with me last night. While on the phone, I briefly touched base with him about what was going on with my relationship, and he was like, "Yeah, you deserve better than that, and, now that I don't have a girlfriend anymore, I can honestly say you are a beautiful woman." And I And the whole time he was here, I was super duper nervous, because I've had a crush on this dude for two years. We had a good time and nothing happened between us, but it totally derailed my start to the week mentally/emotionally. I felt like a shitty person for already wanting to pursue someone else/letting those feelings resurface so soon when I haven't even properly ended things with my current bf. I'm going to try to come back and do a proper update before the end of the week.
  9. Thank you! I was definitely choosing misery for a solid month before I came to this decision. I know it will hurt him, but I think in the long run we'll both be better off. I hope he agrees that we're better as friends, but we so rarely see eye to eye on things it might not work out. And I'd be okay with that too, but I think it would make it substantially harder for me. I'm prepared for the possibility...
  10. Yeah, it's definitely the right decision, for a lot of reasons. That imbalance has been there the entire time, and persists, and I don't want it to keep persisting. I really want to be with someone on my level. I'm not worried about things getting physical during the breakup.... I just don't want to deal with his anger and him potentially saying mean and awful things. Unfortunately, my brother isn't nearby. I do intend to break things off in person. I told my best friend about it... She lives 30 minutes away, and she knows exactly when I intend to do it. Honestly, I'm not worried about my personal safety; I just don't want things to escalate emotionally.
  11. I like the new name! Sounds like you had a rough week I hope it gets better!
  12. Haha, you're fine. I wouldn't think anyone here would "like" my sadness. And thank you... I'm definitely going to need it.
  13. Ugh, I'm sorry work is crushing your mood I think OEPD might be the way to go if it's affecting you that much. I'm glad walking is helpful. It helps me a lot too when I'm upset too.
  14. Good luck with the hike!!!!
  15. Fashionably late, lol I'm going to burninate the job market by staying positive and putting effort into every application I'm going to burninate all my debt by reducing unnecessary spending now I'm going to burninate obesity by avoiding grains and eating vegetables with every meal
  16. Journaly post, inc Lately I've been thinking a lot about my life. I'm about to have some big changes happen for me, and while I'm excited for them, there are other things that I want to change. I was talking about my relationship to my brother last night. I talked about how there's this "layer" to my boyfriend's behavior and interactions with me that is dark and scary and hurtful. He was shocked at some of the things I told him about my boyfriend's behavior and things he's said to me. My boyfriend has been very sweet and charming to my friends and family, but behind closed doors and when things are stressful, he's caustic. My brother is a social worker/counselor in training, and he told me that a lot of the behaviors resemble someone who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. I read about it some more, and it clicked for me. Not that I would diagnose him or ever share this with him, but it makes a lot of sense and explains a lot. I've given this a lot of thought, and there's not much holding me back from ending this relationship. In fact, when I think about it today, I feel really happy. I feel like it's the right decision. I no longer have any hesitation or fear about it. But, I am afraid of putting myself in a precarious situation with him. My plan to approach ending it is to tell him that I want to focus on myself and that I feel that we would be better as friends. I don't think he could argue much with that. We really don't get along well, and, whether he's willing to admit it or not, he's not really attracted to me. I definitely will not bring up that it's really that his behavior scares me more than anything else. I've put a lot of effort into maintaining this relationship, but I haven't really received much. I was hoping when he finally got a car that he would be here more often. He has been here 3 times in the 4 months since he's had a car. For reference, we live 6 hours apart. I still have to beg for affection, and I still feel like he's repulsed by my body. The last time I brought it up, he said, "I don't know why you want that lovey-dovey BULLSHIT. It's not real and it doesn't last." Yeah, I feel pretty good about leaving that behind, even if I never have another relationship again.
  17. The struggle is real! It's hard to see jobs you really want that you feel like are the right fit for you, and to not get too invested/get your hopes up.
  18. Does maintaining the farm = exercise? If so, that's cool! I mean, all I have to maintain is my Netflix account, and I could never count that as physical activity. I would imagine maintaining that much land would require some form of both cardio and strength.
  19. You do have a lot on your plate Surviving grad school is definitely what everyone does, so don't feel as though you have to keep everything together right now. That last push is the craziest of them all. Good job reducing the fast food and moving forward with the psych eval. They are hellishly expensive, but it's good to look into it. Even if it turns out you don't have ASD, they can give you some good insights about your struggles.
  20. Thank you!!! I want to hug all the grumpy cats Thanks! I'm looking at GIS analyst jobs or jobs involving education and outreach for either geography or environmental science (my first career/masters degree was in education). I agree about the volunteer opportunities.... Right now I am working at a full-time job, though, so I really can't get into that. About 10% of what I do right now is GIS, so at least I am gaining experience, even if it isn't a lot. I can fall back on teaching, but it would be more like teaching night classes to adults or community college classes. I have 0 interest in setting foot in a public school as a teacher ever again. I'm playing with carb cycling, so I'll let you know how that goes for me. Maybe it's something you can try as well. It's definitely less depressing and less hard on the body than full-time low carb. The checkboxes are unicode symbols that can be copied and pasted. There are lots of websites out there that list them... Wikipedia is probably best because they organize the symbols by category. ☃ snowman and his tiny snowman friend are my favorite, lol. I edit the colors using the text editor right here in the forums IT SUCKS SO BAD, WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF 3 TIMES???!!?!?! lol I think that's part of the problem is now I appear "super over-qualified" for everything. I don't even put my 2nd masters degree on my resume unless I'm applying for something where they both make me more qualified for that position. Thanks for the info! I'll have to check that lady out (purposely worded in the most awkward way possible). Yeah we've talked about it a couple of times, and both of us feel like, at least right now, we don't want to break up. It doesn't help that my previous relationship (before the breakup, which was both fast and terrible) was the opposite of this one. It was easy. We co-existed in harmony and intuitively understood one another. And then bipolar happened (to him). That's a whole story, though.
  21. I can't sleep, so here I am wheeeeeeee Week 1 Report Card: Food goal: 26/30 = 86% B+ Recovery goal: 13/24 = 54% F Job hunting goal: 3/5 = 60% D- So, I kinda sucked at the recovery goal and didn't spend much time practicing skills related to job hunting. I keep forgetting ice & elevation. I bought one of those ankle ice pack wraps, so I'm just going to put that on at night once it gets here. In my defense, I can't do the skills practice without GIS software, and my laptop can't handle GIS software. My lack of a PC is hurting me in more ways than one. I just spent another $300 on parts.... hoping that things will work out this time. I found out the stuff I bought before is non-refundable, so that's a barrel of laughs. Onwards, to week 2. GOAL 1: MENTAL BANISHING SPELL In the end, I did nothing but gain weight in May. So... the game has changed somewhat. I have concluded after the recent experiments that I really can't have that many carbs. As good as they make me feel physically compared to the constant dragging of ass that low carb causes, I can't lose weight and consume that many carbs simultaneously. So now I'm playing the game of "how many carbs can I eat and still lose weight," starting high ("high" being what normal people eat) and gradual. It sucks that avoiding sweets and alcohol, counting calories, and intermittent fasting isn't enough. I have to go further, and be more strict, to lose weight. Yay PCOS, it's super cool. Doesn't make me feel totally hopeless and want to drop myself off a roof or nothin. Cool. Interrupting Willow time for this very important picture GOAL 2: RITUAL OF RESTORATION Despite my slackage last week and somewhat non-compliance with doctor's orders, my ankle feels better. It doesn't hurt anymore. Still swelling nightly and generally feels tight, but I imagine if I remember to ice it, that would probably get better. This week I'm going to try short walks, spaced apart as needed. 15 minutes at a time or so. GOAL 3: CAROLINA'S GRASP Recent job leads didn't pan out. Plugging on and trying not to get down on myself is the name of the game. It's hard not to feel worthless in the face of so much abject rejection. It's hard not to feel like I'm just going to get stuck in that negative feedback loop of "I have no experience so no one will hire me and I can't get experience because no one will hire me". Being discouraged this early is never a good sign, but my life is a ticking time bomb at this point. My ability to pay rent and keep myself afloat implodes in approximately T - 90 days. The fact that I have two Masters degrees and can't manage to find a job in a city with a booming job market just makes me feel like I'm a joke. Over-educated idiot trashcan of a person. Week 2 Plans
  22. Dairy is definitely an issue for me, even with lactaid. My skin erupts in cystic acne and my stomach hates life. Also, I think you'll be able to get things back on track when you come back from your trip. I hope the trip is restful and enjoyable!
  23. I just want to TRACK ALL THE THINGS and I made a way to visualize my monthly progress... The challenges don't line up with the calendar months so I want some way to keep track of how each month goes in a visual way. Hopefully I'll remember to update this weekly..................
  24. Lol, forgot I had a battle log for a whole minute
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