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About Jean

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  • Birthday 03/20/1985


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    Champéry / Switzerland


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  1. You know what's a funny thing to contemplate? Waking up destroyed, going through the day as you can and going to bed feeling like everything is fine. Maybe I do worry too much. Maybe there's cause for worry and I'm running on a small battery with quick recharge (it does look that way a lot). The later would be good news: if I can regenerate enough to expand my battery, then I am off to a great life. We're not there yet, though. Pretty sure next week will see my battery be depleted several if not all working days. But this is neither now nor here. Now is sleeping then some productive time on the vineyard. Here is home. And home is where the mind rests. Have a great night/day/evening people!
  2. Jean

    Druid cabin

    Have fun on your adventure and bring back great experiences in your shell.
  3. Jean

    Be Strong and Courageous

    I know this place. It's dark and tight. There's a small hole in the ceiling that lets a tiny ray of light go through. If you stick to it long and hard enough, you can lift yourself through it. Hang in there and keep trying, things will get bored of it before you do.
  4. A'rright! One phone call, one meeting and my day is done. Going to the office to get the work done was the right call: I couldn't have worked from home and I now have a free mind to enjoy the weekend. I still kinda wish I could have avoided this all so this is something for me to work on to prevent from happening again.
  5. Jean

    Jean crushes his world under his heel

    Ha! I wish I could consider "bodycare routine" a myself prioritization. xD That would be sleep. Sleep will have to wait, though. I really love being me but I can be such an ass to myself when put under duress... Thanks, BTW, support is always appreciated.
  6. Jean

    Jean crushes his world under his heel

    Small feedback: the bodycare routine is going well. ... it's everything else that's going awry. Time to prioritise and NOT let drop the bodycare whatever else gets sacrificed in the process.
  7. Thinking a bit more about it, I can feel blockades in my mind. It's like there are those things that I could do that would unlock things and let me live my life properly but that I seem to be utterly unable to make a move toward doing. So, big doors. The question is, do I get through the rogue's way (picking the locks), the warrior's way (bashing them open until they surrender) or the wizard's way (knocking and waiting for them to open)? I've mostly tried to bash them into submission, until now, going mainly the psyching-myself-up raging barbarian's way. It's not working. I'm standing here wasting my off days while a one hour effort could unlock them all. I can't seem to see a lock on them, though. I'd rest to renew spells but rest is one of those things that is behind the doors... Edit: The thief's way, then. Steal rest from behind the doors, renew my spells and charm the doors into opening... call me a bard without a lute. Add-on: my passives seem to be alright, it's my active abilities that are a mess. Especially my focusing too much on tracking the result of my passives, which is doing fine by itself and should let me plenty of time to actually live. 2nd add-on: I take a day off, shut off my phone because I get a professionnal call at 8:22 am already, put it on again in the evening and... 8 different missed calls... no wonder I'm feeling like all hells got loose lately and things require constant attention... on a side note, I'm down again and could really benefit from making a few things before tomorrow, easing tomorrow afternoon and Monday a lot. 3rd add-on: Anger speaking: I want to be able to go to bed and sleep without having a whole bunch of undone things weighing on my mind every single day, dammit! I bloody want that my off days be off days, doing what I want with no pressure from this bloody work and I seriously want my fucking town to stop thinking that now is the time to finish every goddam project they've started and let rot for 10 years. Now, to work on my anger management...
  8. Interesting that you got that thought. Obviously, reasoning things out don't help but I tend to bind veggies and the feeling that I can't get fat eating them together. They're rather full of water and I like the idea of having a food where I can pile up the quantities and it doesn't matter. Do you have a happy place to go/happy activity for when anxiety starts rising?
  9. Thanks! Sorry you had to go through that and really glad you got through it! Counselling is appointed for Tuesday (she could take me on short notice, which is great!). I'm not expecting too much out of it but that's a clean place for me to reflect on things, so it should help. Then, it's all about working on the way I handle my environment. Some customization to do (separate my private and professionnal phone numbers), some standards to set (hello! My time is important too, let's trade some emails if we can't meet in person). A future to prepare (june 2020 is when I'll get an ability to switch it all if I so desire - debt repaid, possibility to switch house, 2 years in the same station allowing it not to look too bad on a résumé,...). I still don't like who I have to become to get throuh this all but let's grow up! I can't live on princes and unicorns 'till I die. Time to buckle my swash!
  10. Jean

    Uncaging the Ulfhedinn

    Sounds very vampiry to me. Have you seen him in a mirror, lately ?
  11. Jean

    Uncaging the Ulfhedinn

    It sure is!
  12. ^^ I've quit the office at 3:30 pm because I wasn't worth shit at work anymore. It'd be pointless to try and do some work while I'm utterly unable to do it properly. First regenerate, then the work. I'm also naively thinking that if I push doing it long enough, I'll get into another mindset that considers that off time is off time and fuck it all and I'll deal with it on Monday (which, frankly, may not at all be a bad idea, though it's not my normal frame of mind).
  13. Take a bath. I'm denying myself that because I plan to go out and grab my computer and some files from work to work on them when I feel relaxed enough to do so (another bad idea, I know, yet another one that I don't feel I can do without) and I still want to sit and sip some tea before that and I don't want to put real clothes back on after the bath.
  14. Time to reflect on my life: I've taken tomorrow and Friday off. This is meant to be the dawn of a 4 days' regenerative holidays with beautiful weather were I just do what I want. Yet, I'm totally down since 3:30 pm. Three things: My boss' political priorities mean that I should have sent him some documents today that I didn't. I've gotten a call from the owner of some land we have some big project on and, when she asked for a meeting but couldn't provide any other day than Friday, I gave in and accepted to make an appointment. I know this is the wrong way to do it. I don't know how not to do it. I've gotten another call from some other land owner affected by the same project. Right now, his land is worth shit but he thinks it's gold and has got some paper proving so (some politician with some land in the same area turned it all into buildable land even though no realistic project could happen there due to the epic slope and some legal restrictions). He can't block the project. I basically could tell him "I don't care" and close the call. I have tried to meet his needs even though that meant messing with the order in which I wanted to do things and missing the other deadline. Right now, I'm tired but can't sleep and I don't know what to do. Writing this down and coming back to it later should help me clear it up. Random thoughts: This isn't sustainable. I'm doing it because it's too early to quit this job, for experience and for the money. I'm giving in to people's demands out of a sense of fairness that isn't the norm around here, that they ought to have in hand what they need to decide what they want to do with what is theirs. I've had a chat with someone doing my job on the State level and things don't get better so, career advancement will let me pit against the same monsters which I don't want to fight (because, seriously, fuck it! Being a politician doesn't prevent you to take action when there's a hole in your own roof and you'd repair it with your own money so why should it when you'd have to repair it with other peoples money and you then have to spend a whole year taking the rain in your bedroom because why fix what is broken when you can instead spend money on studying how it could not be repaired? Basically speaking, the feeling of tiredness in my life seems to balance out around two things: the way I handle things (learn to say fuck off! and kick butts because why shouldn't people be told that they should actually learn something and evolve for a change?); the pressure of my environment (I keep thinking that this project is the reason of my current stress level and it'll get better when it'll have been done but I suspect that it's just a consequence of how things are handled around here and that, as such, it will just get replaced by some other bullshit once it's gone). To say it simply: I can't take this anymore and I'm really, really tired of adapting and evolving and working on myself. Yet, I know there's no other way out than working on myself, even if that means gathering the guts to tell them all to go fuck themselves because if they want to act that iresponsibly, we might as well call a judge right now and let him sort things out. On a side note, I'm feeling much anger and frustration as I write this, yet another sign that things aren't right and I ought to take steps toward a better balance in my life. On another side note: why is this all weighing so heavily on me right now? First add-on: I seem to be unable to really let go. Whenever I feel like I can't do it anymore, I give myself some rest but when I get even a tiny bit of energy back, I refuse to allow myself to regenerate more and instead think I should get back at it immediately. Thought for self: "being above "utterly broken" level doesn't mean you are "fit for work", dude! Learn to set up your environment so that you start fighting on your terms, not loosing battle after loosing battle." Second add-on: This is starting to feel like war. Maybe it isn't the right time for falling back, there might be a winning option (some of it feels like it). I know it's tough but nothing beats clear thinking when it's followed by action. You've got the thinking, work toward the action.
  15. Jean

    Little Turtle's Mental Health Challenge

    Is it too late for congratulations? I hope it's not too late because it's totally worth it! Congrats and have fun!