Jean

Not an update but this song has "yabadabadoo" in it and is worth mentioning just because of that:

Quick update: I'm failing mightily at baroning. Work is draining most of my mental energy and internet browsing/video games are eating most of my free time. One thing I have noticed is that I have a mostly reactive mindset. While I can see the paths forward and anticipate the hits before they come, I consistently fail at mustering the strength and energy to proactively handle the situation and get myself in the mental space I want. Instead, I keep on tanking the hits, thinking under pressure and developing short term solutions. I may have become a master at tactics but to make this work, I need to focus and get better at strategy. I'm a first lieutenant without a general and I need to become that general or find one. Good enough is not good enough anymore if it leads to me stagnating in a situation that drains me.

Alright, I'm taking my previous rant back. Looks like I've got that. I have to understand and acknowledge that I am in a caring environment and away from manipulative people right now.

Alas! Falling back and regrouping requires the energy to prep for it and communicate about it, emotionally smart people who understand the situation and don't ask you to justify or fight your way there, financial stability or a combination of the above. That is not my situation right now. A fighting retreat or repositioning is all I've known for the last 8 years and all I am able to setup right now.

Quick update: I'm failing bigly. Mainly, I am always tired and there's a dark cloud upon my mind that comes from dealing with not high enough energy levels and inability to reach certain deadlines. I'm not sure how much of it comes from myself and how much is circumstances and expectations not grounded in reality. The thing with me is: I keep fighting when I'm down and can't be taken out by outside forces, so I've got this. My main focus are: to be kind to myself: do allow myself time to do things, don't start the day off having already lost half the battles in it. to give myself time: take the time to sleep, take the time to cook, take the time to exercise. That should be the unmovable block in my days and work should have to fit around it instead of the other way around. I've been there before and haven't succeeded yet. It is a constant struggle but we only loose when we give up. I'm alive, I'm fighting, I'll fuse my armor back together.

pre-pruning half of the vineyard: turns out an uncle made me a timely offer to buy it off me and I've decided to be smart rather than prideful and take the offer. This one is off the list (and I didn't do it). trimming the hedge around the castle: I've been 'saved' by the snow. I may have jumped on the first excuse available but the snow that went down Friday night lay a fine layer on the hedge and my garden and was enough for me to call it quits. studying what vegetables to plant and harvest when: March: carrots April: onions carrots cabbages potatoes May: tomatoes (very high chances that won't work at this altitude but I'll give it a try anyway) carrots cauliflowers broccolis June: basil fennels July: broccolis chinese cabbages go to sleep at a minimum 6 hours before my planned waking up hour: I haven't tracked that efficiently and don't know if that was actually reached. eat delicious meals throughout the day: half done: it has been done on some days but missed on many too. preserve my free friday: half done. My phone was shut down though I did spend the day worrying about what needed to be done workwise. Lessons learned: don't spend time thinking you have to do the thing: do the thing. if you are too spent to actually do the thing: don't do the thing, don't think about doing the thing, sleep and recover (that will help you not being spent and actually being able to do the thing). don't let yourself be eaten by work. You have your domain to handle, be worthy of it.

Preparing the record: pre-pruning half of the vineyard: trimming the hedge around the castle: studying what vegetables to plant and harvest when: go to sleep at a minimum 6 hours before my planned waking up hour: eat delicious meals throughout the day: preserve my free friday: I'm veeeeery tempted to give up on trimming the hedge under the pretense that you don't want to do noise on a Saturday out of respect for your neighbors but guess what you don't want to have out of respect for them either? A hedge that's half-falling over their lane. I think they'll forgive me the maybe 1.5h of noise for that.

I may be realizing that, as humans, many of our problems come from a lack of skills. Some are better at relationships and some struggle to understand which words to use and when to get information before talking in order to approach a situation from an angle of probing/understanding rather than jumping to conclusions and projecting their view of the problems and solutions without care for the actual nuances of the situation. There's work I can do on myself on that topic but this isn't about me. What I find is that how we approach relationships, successes and problems reveals a lot about ourselves and that taking a step back and actually trying to understand what prompted the apparently very clumsy remark from my vis-à-vis can help me understand what they need and better tailor my own efforts and reactions. What I then have to decide is whether I want to put in the efforts or not. I'm tired of always working further and never allowing myself to rest. I need to rest and I need people to understand the energy, time and skills that go behind us staying afloat as opposed to not meeting client satisfaction. I need to be a better communicator and that doesn't mean taking upon myself to reach ever further but rather to outline what realistic targets and steps need to be taken, what constitute success, how we are reaching it and how that is enough. I'm pretty tired of these games, though, so I'm not sure I have the patience to deal with it anymore. One thing I must be wary of: I've let myself be taken down by this game once already, of getting head first and with all my energy into making projects succeed, to the point of being underwater and loosing my ability to communicate what is actually happening properly. The outside image for my boss is then that 1) the situation isn't under control (when it is but things look ugly when you're in the middle of sanitizing what used to be a complete mess) 2) I'm somehow responsible for their unrealistic expectations not being met. - I don't know how to bring someone with unrealistic expectations back down on earth so I don't have a magic bullet but I have to stay lucid about when the situation is healthy but needs work and when it is becoming toxic, and be mindful to stay away from toxicity without taking anything away from my sense of worth. The basic situation is: my boss is under the illusion that I am underworked because his control panel tells him that I am. The reality is that I am currently overworked and have to reach many simultaneous deadlines (which I do) and will have less work further down the line (at which point I'll need the time for recovery). Part of what his indicators tell him is true (on the broad spawn of time he is considering, I will have some time for new projects, it is just absolutely not now) and part is flawed because his model considers that non-billable time doesn't exist and you have to deal with a lot of non-billable time when you sanitize projects that were already underwater when they befell to you. We'll see if I can muster the energy to lay it down to my boss with proper factual backing. Seems like a good time for this song:

I'm late to the party but glad I'm reading this as I am right there with you on coffee matters. I find that tea helps. It works as a replacement (though there's theine in it so I'm also using herbal teas from time to time) but also constitutes a more mindful way of drinking since it takes more time to prepare and I'm usually drinking it more slowly. My other replacement is a bottle of water on my computer desk. It's funny how often I am mainly after the motion and the feeling of taking a break or a shot of energy and not really after coffee itself. Keep on going, you've got this (also, I hope you haven't had any fallout from the crown removal and that your mouth is all operational and not remarkable in any fashion anymore.

Maintaining equanimity is hard but we'll get there. Also, one day, I'll have gone far enough that other people won't get to play around with my life.

So, when the going gets tough, eh? Yet still work related stuff: it seems that no matter how many fights I win (by winning fights, I mean successfully conducting assignments meeting client satisfaction with available means while setting ourselves for easier successes next time over), there's never time to rest and it's just yet another time very sensitive fight right after (sorry, I mean, right in the middle of it. It's "go fight a dragon" right while you are fighting a chimera and winning). Well, let's get going. 6 hours is very doable and should always be able to fit on my schedule no matter what pretend urgency other stuff has. I'm going to sleep. Have fun out there. 🙂

Pets are not currently planned but are welcome when they come accompanied.

So, I love being myself. I have a positive outlook, I'm smart and I'm starting to look good. Living in my skin and my head is a pleasure and I intend for it to stay so long term. There is, however, one thing I want to change and that is how I prioritize things. I put a way too high priority level on work things and a way too low one on personal things. The end result is that my productive time all goes into work and my personal time is more often than not dealing with three feet under me trying to raise again into the light. This is backward, it cannot work. I am, hence, adding a new layer of responsibilities going forward. I am responsible of my domain and my domain can't be left to rot. It needs me in my best shape to take care of my house, my vineyard, my friends and most importantly myself. I thus hereby declare the start of the Era of Baron Jean. In the Jean Barony, you should expect to find a warm meal, a bed, accompanying beverages and a friendly ear. To sustain that, the Barony has: a well tended vineyard where friends are welcome and invited to lend a hand. a well tended backyard with a relaxing spot fit for casual drinks, conversations, naps and barbecues. a well tended garden with tasty herbs and vegetables. a castle with: safe and secure access. Heavy doors, appropriate door cylinders, restricted access to the ground floor windows. warm or fresh interiors, depending on the season, due to appropriate insulation, state of the art heating, a fireplace and appropriate ventilation. a bedroom for guests. a welcoming common room fit for aperitives and discussions. a dedicated fitness room with free space. ideally two bathrooms. The Baron will endeavour to report here weekly what he has done to reach those goals. This week targets are: pre-pruning half of the vineyard. trimming the hedge around the castle. studying what vegetables to plant and harvest when. In order to be worthy of his domain and to make himself fit and available to his people, the Baron will also: go to sleep at a minimum 6 hours before his planned waking up hour. eat delicious meals throughout the day. absolutely, under no circumstance and for no reason as imperative it may outfit itself to be sacrifice his free Friday to do anything even remotely engineery. Friday is gardening/masonry time, hurried people can take care of themselves and wait.

Renovating an older house. There's quite a bit of work to do, quite a bit of it I can't do myself but there'll be plenty of space in it once it's finished, including a room dedicated to working out and cabinets to store my stuff. 🙂

Things are starting to go my way and I am not used to it. I've got the results of the asbestos analysis that I needed in order to plan works on my new future home. The person I had mandated for an energy audit of said house that I've been waiting on for some time has been very reactive to my new call. My town sent me a sizeable tax refund that I wasn't expecting (and am expecting to be erroneous so I'm waiting for the actual assessment to see what's going on). People at work are respecting the boundaries I have set. I am following my workout plan and have energy for it. * Someone please don't wake me up and let me keep living the dream. Life's being good. *I'm late on my communication and response to several people but hey, I'll deal with one thing at a time.

My mind works like that so thanks for the tip. I have a hard time protecting that block from either: recent outside sollicitation (urgent or not, for example from a junior engineer facing a road block). deadlines to meet that can't be met (trying to do more in not enough time than can actually be feasible). One of my primary work objectives is to manage to set achievable deadlines at first, to defend them when people try to bring them earlier and to defend postponing the deadlines that can't be realistically met when it becomes obvious it is so. I'll have to find how to organize my day in order to reach that objective and take my "wrap up" block to make it work.

I am working part time this year (80%) and should have my Fridays off most of the time. I don't work well in noisy offices with frequent interruptions. Monday is "accountability day", that is the day we have most of our recurring meetings. Not being ready for them is very stressful to me, so I need some peaceful and uninterrupted time to prepare. In order to enjoy my free time I need: * to have handled the urgent stuff before leaving work. * to cast away and not touch at all anything work on Friday and Saturday. * to differentiate between weekends: a) where I am doing something (schedule a small time slice on Sunday end of the afternoon to anticipate what will potentially fall on me on Monday). b) where I am doing "nothing" but I do need the rest (not schedule anything at all, deal with whatever happens on Monday). c) where I am not doing anything specific but have energy to handle things (schedule a time slice on Sunday morning to anticipate what may fall on me on Monday, be ready to spend a few to several hours on Sunday to get these things under control and still have an enjoyable week). Things should get better with time as our team (including myself) gets more experienced and used to working together. Keeping the work climate enjoyable so that people stay and we limit turnover is of paramount import. So: Thursday, before leaving work: * my desk is clean * everybody who was waiting for an answer has got one or knows when they can expect to get one * I have a resume ready of the things I was doing / should be tackling the next week so that getting back into it is painless * I am deciding what kind of weekend I'm going to have between : a) personal active weekend. b) personal recovery weekend. c) no real planning weekend. Friday, Saturday: * be a rock: hear nothing, deal with nothing, have an empty mind when it comes to work. Sunday: a) active weekend: dig into emails/DMs/missed phone calls at the end of the afternoon. b) recovery weekend: recover, put a high focus on going to bed on time to have slept enough for Monday. c) no planning weekend: dig into emaisl/DMs/missed phone calls early in the morning, deal with what needs to for me to have a nice week.

Waaaaay better. Got close to burnout at my previous job, fired for reasons relating to it, quickly found another job in a friendly and enjoyable environment (with a raise), bought a house that needs renovations (and a rock with it) and I am now in the process of finding my marks in my current job, planning the house repairs and focusing on staying kind to myself and prioritizing the things that really do impact my situation and what I want to do with my life. It's been an eventful year but for the very better.

Coconut oil, I guess (it's hard to translate culinary terms), the solid, white version. For example: https://www.walmart.ca/en/ip/nutiva-organic-coconut-oil/6000191791702 It's the keyest ingredient so can't really be replaced. It is for some reason related to Christmas for me, even though there doesn't really seem to be a reason for that indeed (except it's easier to deal with them in colder times than in the summer heat). They're just chocolate bites with a specific texture. You can sprinkle some things on top (chunks of nuts/almonds, rainbow vermicelli, coconut powder, ...). I haven't had a complaint about them yet and they're really easy to make.

One of my go-tos are chocolate fondants (sorry, can't find a recipe in English with that kind of "chocolate fondants": https://www.fabiennejeanneret.com/desserts/fondants-au-chocolat/ Not biscuits, easy to batch cook, delicious. The alcohol isn't mandatory (I don't put any in myself).

I like my coach so the question was moot. I've just disappeared one day, logged in again 8 months later, followed the previous plan for 1 week to prove to myself I was serious about it, then reconnected with him. A coach is like a therapist, in my opinion, in that it is essential to have a good feeling for them and we shouldn't be afraid to shop around until we do. My understanding is that we can ask for a change of coach any time we want if it doesn't clap.

Yeah, it feels good to be back too. NF Coaching suits my needs. If you want an adaptative plan and accountability, I recommend the solution with the caveat that it is of paramount importance to properly communicate your expectations and what doesn't go according to your needs, which is somewhat difficult when your starting point is "I'm underwater, halp!" as I was. My coach has tried to be very present (which is usually a plus) at a time when I had low mental energy and also needed to adapt to using a smartphone (because these are tools of the devil and I wasn't using one regularly before that) so the onboarding has been a bit stressful. It could have been less if I had properly communicated that I needed it to be taken slow. I've started in January but have experienced a troubled year from March on (being fired and starting a new job shortly thereafter), so I dropped it in March and have been back eating that horse Goku style since a few week. Everything went smoothly, the welcome back was very positive, a few adaptations have been made and we're doing good enough once again.

Posted here as a reminder: I want to nurture the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. To muster the courage to change the things I can. And to pay heed to the wisdom to know the difference. I want to listen to the perception that things that once could be changed are turning into the world of those that can't. And act then, while I can, to drop them and preserve my energy. In order to muster its full strength to the tasks that matter. I hereby decide to do so with the full strength of my powerful mind. And to get back at it whenever I stray. Because that is true strength and true power. Posers can't handle intense hardcore introspection: https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots1151.html

"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone..." I need to reconcile with "Enough". I'm settled fitnesswise with NF Coaching, I'm following the plan "well enough". I need a space for journaling and getting to the bottom of my psychological gears, though, so here I am once again. Case in point: I do tend to procrastinate. HOWEVER, it also happens that sometimes, things just pile up with short delays through no responsibility of mine. It's not so much that there is no time to do all the things, there could be if I prioritized excellently, focused on the absolute critical parts at the exclusion of everything else and were able to muster all of my energy. However, more often than not, I run out of spoons before the final task is done and I need to lay it off in order to recover. The feeling I am feeling then is guilt, because I theoretically had the time to do it (there were still normal working hours in my day, the first ones had just been so intense they counted tripple) but I couldn't realistically (because I was spent). That feeling of guilt then prevents recovery, since I fail to allow myself full rest until that last needed effort is done (often a matter of a few hours max with appropriate energy levels). The end result is I don't recover, I can't get the energy back that I need, the thing keeps haunting me, rinse and repeat. I want to become better at this, that is, anticipate when I'll drop out of energy and use my last few drops to order things so that I can get back to it easily without having to search through several paper sheets and versions of the same document. Then let it rest. Drop it, go for a walk, go for a nap, do whatever freely and focus on recovery but from a place of love and understanding instead of a place of need and pressure. Then, once I have truly recovered, get back at it. Easier said than done.

Summoning the happy cats team: And a foreign exchange member: