Jump to content

Jean

Member
  • Posts

    1863
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Jean

  1. Planning on not holding the target for tonight: I really need to find a way to have energy and no headache during weekends. Also not having to do things to keep my life afloat. My job situation (current and opportunity) is starting to look like a terrible one and I'm not sure what I can do to get into one where things are actually achievable and I'd get time for my own pursuits. We'll see how that turns out. Edit: It seems I'm still always making the mistake of thinking the path forward involves me getting better and making better use of my time while I maybe should start using what I've accumulated to find better living conditions. I don't know how I can handle that as of yet, so I'm still kind of stuck, though I trust myself to handle the moving forward properly. After all, fleeing forward has been a theme in my life these past years (Flucht nach vorn = Flight forward in German): Saturday, February 26: Went to bed at 9.30 pm, woke up at 9:00 am. Friday, February 25: Went to bed at 10:30, woke up at 6:30. Thursday, February 24: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 1:30 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. Wednesday, February 23: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, woke up at 3:00 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. Tuesday, February 22: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, got out of bed at 6:30 am. Monday, February 21: Went to bed at 7:00 pm, woke up at 3:30, then back to sleep by 5:30 am until 7:00 am. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  2. Oh, I have an awful bed and I drink too much coffee. The first is an ongoing long term project (moving, which is mainly dependent on financial parameters), the second seems to be the real culprit. Drinking coffee being my way to handle stress too (I associate coffee breaks with time when I can't be assailed by problems/situations/others), it would take some mental energy to address that issue so I'm not doing it much for now. I also usually go to bed thinking about all the things I haven't been able to perform that day and that I will have to do the day after (in my head, because I know I won't do most of them: there's too many and new ones keep coming. Whoever invented the phone and emails can go back and bury the blueprints for their inventions as far as I'm concerned) so my body reacts like I'm going to bed while a lion is around ready to eat me and seems to be trying to settle on as little sleep as it can, which may help if the problem was a lion but doesn't when it is low mental energy due to excess stress. xD I'm very tired these days, so the hours I spend in bed after having woken up seem to be among the most peaceful and battery refilling time I have (I can feel my body sinking into the mattress, which is a sign that it's giving up being all stressed and all, which I interpret as good). I lack the willpower to get up and do something at that time. That being said, my next focus would be getting out and having a walk in the morning, before work. I don't want to tackle too much at once, so will keep focusing only on the going to bed time for now, but it could help set my mind in the right place at the start of the day. Friday, February 25: Went to bed at 10:30, woke up at 6:30. Thursday, February 24: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 1:30 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. Wednesday, February 23: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, woke up at 3:00 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. Tuesday, February 22: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, got out of bed at 6:30 am. Monday, February 21: Went to bed at 7:00 pm, woke up at 3:30, then back to sleep by 5:30 am until 7:00 am. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  3. Thursday, February 24: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 1:30 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. This is not looking too conclusive. xD Wednesday, February 23: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, woke up at 3:00 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. Tuesday, February 22: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, got out of bed at 6:30 am. Monday, February 21: Went to bed at 7:00 pm, woke up at 3:30, then back to sleep by 5:30 am until 7:00 am. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  4. Got a job interview today. Let's just say this world isn't ready for me... xD Not sure I'm willing to turn it around against itself. Wednesday, February 23: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, woke up at 3:00 am, kind of rested from there until 6:30 am. Tuesday, February 22: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, got out of bed at 6:30 am. Monday, February 21: Went to bed at 7:00 pm, woke up at 3:30, then back to sleep by 5:30 am until 7:00 am. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  5. Woke up at 3am today. xD The win is probably on its way but I have such a backlog that it feels like it will take forever. Tiny drops make an ocean, though, the important part is to keep on and not drop the habit.
  6. Tuesday, February 22: Went to bed at 9:30 pm, got out of bed at 6:30 am. Monday, February 21: Went to bed at 7:00 pm, woke up at 3:30, then back to sleep by 5:30 am until 7:00 am. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  7. Monday, February 21: Went to bed at 7:00 pm, woke up at 3:30, then back to sleep by 5:30 am until 7:00 am. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  8. Sunday, February 20: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, woke up at 4:30 am. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  9. If I'm taking a phone only for my own use and not to be reachable, I like to enable plane mode, it saves a lot of battery usage though the main issue here is the energy used searching for a network in "remote" mountain areas, so it may not work for your own situation. Happens to me more often than I should feel comfortable with. xD Congrats on keeping your nerves and finding back your way. I hope the music lessons will bring some kind of soothing and enjoyment now that you've experienced the way.
  10. Don't let that be used to postpone getting on it until December. Great goals! I hope you're finding your center.
  11. Stress does that to me. I can't remember the time when I didn't wake up by 3 am, then roughly every 30 minutes to 1.5 hours afterwards, never needing an alarm to wake up on time. My choice has been to turn it into a friend and deal with it but maybe there's still hope for you.
  12. Saturday, February 19: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 10 am. Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  13. I support this fully. Kindness means caring and benevolence, it is not niceness. When you really care for someone, you also want them to be able to withstand the challenges that come when you're not there. Being kind, to me, also means knowing when to take distance with other people's challenges to let them grow from the experience. Being kind, to me, is about striving to be the best person we can be, because that can funnel inspiration in others to do the same for themselves. It means being strong while not being afraid of displays of weakness because that is when growth happens. We should all be kind with both ourselves and others. I am kind of a people hater myself, I'm not sure there is something to change there. Some behaviors are self destructive, some are socially burdening (PLEASE don't stand in the way while you're doing your thing but look around and find that spot 2 meters away where you won't be in the middle of the flow of people trying to move past you), some just don't funnel growth one bit. I need my hate of those behaviors in order to stay strong when people around me complain and to dismiss them as the background noise they are. We don't have to care about other people all the time, I just find it useful to foster the behaviors I consider positive and ignore the rest (or occasionally do my part and address someone's bad behavior publicly so that they stop annoying everybody while nobody dares to say something: that too is part of being kind). This. 100%. I find there's an additional part to this bit of wisdom and that is not to let failure stop us but to use it to funnel our path toward becoming a better human being. Being ok with failure and turning it into a state of "I am a failure and that's ok, no need for me to change" is not ok. Being ok with failure and applying kindness to oneself in order to move forward is: "Failure is what I've met but it isn't who I am. I can gather my bearings and I will figure out a way forward. Maybe that means taking some time off for myself, or scaling down my targets. Maybe it doesn't and what I really need is to bite the bullet and push on through the storm. It is all part of the realistic plan to move forward, let's get to it."
  14. Alrighty folks, I'm back! T'was less igloos and more pseudo-tents but it was fun nonetheless. I've got enough energy to win a few battles and if I choose which ones wisely, I can win the war. Let's get to it! Friday, February 18: Went to bed by 9:30 pm, slept until 7 am.
  15. The stance they are taking at your workplace is asinine: you're overworked and behing schedule yet overtime is an absolute no (with contradicting communication regarding that policy) but you must manage to keep up with the work coming your way. It's "the beating will continue until morale improves" kind of stuff, I hope you manage to disconnect your mind, your sense of self worth and your loyalty from this stuff and manage to focus your energy on other parts of your life. Speaking of which, congrats on the writing and the cleaning part! If you consider the vinegar smell a negative, I personaly deem it ok to hurt the environment a little with some chemicals if the prize is worth it. I consider it on the level of cutting a tree to revitalize the forest: being in a good state of mind allows you to do meaningful things and we need more people like you doing it, instead of drunken lemurs (Dilbert comic strip). The sacrifice would be worth it.
  16. Alright, a few more observations: I had actually received a short presentation document for my training next week. My current state of distress prevented me from noticing it until I set my mind to it. When I set my mind to it, things are easy because I actually am prepared on an ongoing basis. I AM the man I want to be. Who I am is the result of what I've gone through and some of the consequences of that must still be addressed. This is nothing new. Things may be easy to achieve for me when in the right mindset but there are tons of them. The sheer numbers prevent my concentration and renders me unable to achieve even very simple things. Developing some kind of ward against these disruptions is a priority. I am NOT in the right mindset right now and need to build myself back to there. This is nothing new either, hence why the sleeping goal is THAT important. So, nothing new, just reinforcing what I knew and keep moving on the path. I'll reach there, I'm just tired. That too will pass.
  17. Thanks for helping me wrap my head around this. That I know. I keep drifting away from it, though, because what needs to be done often isn't sexy and doesn't show. It will be some time before anything shows results on the surface and during that time, I'll have to keep fending off the queries about "where's this project at?" when that specific project is 403rd priority on the list and should take absolutely no second of my energy. The problem is tied to the depletion of my tank of spoons: Monday is the day of accountability, at work, and by the end of it, there are almost no spoons left for doing actual work during the constructive part of the week. Going through these motions leaves me destroyed comes the weekend and I can't refill the tank for next Monday. I need to figure out a way to rebuild energy on Tuesday that won't make me appear like I'm doing no work (and this appareances of work vs actual useful work play is using up a good chunk of my energy too). Success there isn't a given at all as of yet. The vicius circle is: my job is unsustainable and takes a huge toll on me. I've only known jobs like that up to now so I wouldn't know how to get in a more sustainable working position. My answer to that is to seek financial stability (financial independence is way too far down the road) in order to be able not to care if I get fired. Now to the funny part: for years, I've lacked that financial stability. I probably am very close to reach it now (or have reached it already) but I keep reacting with my old behaviors, which reinforce the work pressure circle. It's not a time to up my personal expenses just yet and I'm not really using my gains to sanitize my job situation. I think I would need to take some distance and a more empty spirit to adress this circle from a different angle and that's where the mountain leader training enters the play, taking up all my free time and preventing me from reaching that stage where I could finally sort the situation out. The funny thing being that I had taken the mountain leader training with the explicit purpose to make it low pressure and mandatory time off work: what I do to solve the situation and build myself back up ends up backing me into the corner even more. All in all, I REALLY want to give up right now but I'm very close to the end of the moutain leader training and they're putting time pressure on me (exams are in October and I have to have made 2 days of winter internship by then - it's not much, but it's "always something more to do on my mind" that weighs on me emptying it and just getting some rest). As for my job, if I want to pivot, at this point in my career, having people to reference you is essential so the poorer a job I apparently do, the more I'm depleting my chances at pivoting. Building an efficient pivot requires energy so my current job and the building of alternatives are at odds regarding moving forward. This means I have to pick what domain I'll consolidate in my current position, perform well there, cultivate useful work relationships and not care about anything else. Well, one step at a time, let's focus on actual sleep. But first, to destroy my energy this Sunday, trying to prepare for the mountain leader module of next week, then to enjoy it. Edit: Thinking of it, the 3 jobs I've had were poorly organized, the mountain leader formation is awfully so, I guess I'm still on my quest to find something on Earth that would finally give me appropriate means and information for me to perform the tasks I'm meant to perform. I'm just a bit in despair that such a thing doesn't exist and I will always have to compensate for the poor organization around me, passing the buck forward by not doing my job properly while spending time fixing the other things around... it's the very basics that are messed up, too. I mean, a 40 minutes video as a preparation document for a training session? Has work from home killed the very basic of setting down a 2 pages document with the date, place, equipment, what to expect and tasks to have done before coming?
  18. Well, several things are not helping the situation: extra stress from the job and the mountain leader training require me to rest and recover but I deny myself this sleep on the ground that "I've got things to do". Far from doing said things, I just jump from the one thing I've remembered to the dozen others at the same priority level and the dozen more higher priority, then those at a lower priority. Nothing gets done and I don't rest. Not being rested up, I loose the ability to perform what would allow me to break the circle and I keep denying myself sleep on the same grounds. Points of contention are: Everything is Chaos at work. I don't know where to start. I should not care for whatever happens to the rest of the administration and focus on getting my department in order but the failings of everything around me weighs on my will to work decisively in that direction and not try to stabilize some of the bleeding around that does affect my department negatively too. My financial situation is still not fully stable. On top of that, I don't defend what is my own and use my own resources to patch things that are not mine to patch. Following the U.S. markets doesn't help, not because of the stress but because of the timezone involved that delays my sleep. I am devoting way too much time just waiting for the close, which is a fruitless endeavour. Taking a look at it in the morning would inform me just the same. When my free time comes, I start thinking of the deadlines of my mountain leader training and am totally tired (because of lack of sleep) and out of spoons, so that I spend most of my weekends sleeping instead of being out and wandering in the mountains. The real answer is to take at least a month off without any responsibilities and just let it all cool down, become a human being once again, learn to take care of myself and build myself back up from the ground. I don't see a path toward that. Second best would be to put my full focus on the few things that matter and draw inflexible lines around what I am not willing to sacrifice. Sleep and spending time in nature should go there. All in all, it feels like I've let myself get backed into a corner and it hurts because I've tried very specifically to avoid getting drawn there when taking on this job, knowing full well that it could lead here. Time to sleep and let the focus build. Tomorrow is another day.
  19. Congrats on keeping up with the yoga, it's tough to keep the support processes online when overwhelmed with work but you're doing it right. Sounds like you're doing very good while dealing with an inhuman task and it's taking a toll on you, which it does even to superheroes. Take heart and be kind to yourself. I'm sending thoughts.
  20. The man carries a light-blue shirt, a dark vest and a round black cap. Flower patterns cover the shirt, the collar of the vest and the front of the cap. He smiles through his long beard as he extends a hand. "Bonjour Agent Toracorbat !"* He breathes. "La caresse de l'air frais porté par le vent, on n'a pas ça dans les bureaux. Bienvenue sur le terrain !"** * ** ~~~ Love the workouts and meditation combo. I find the mindset part to be very important, especially when dealing with turncoat agents (urk!). French speaking person of the Swiss cheese variant here, let me know if you want to trade words in French from time to time (I'll be away next week so may not answer until the next Sunday). You seem to be going through some tough times, the field training should help. Stay strong and show them what for, those agents have nothing on you.
  21. No armor and no shield? Looking forward to see the barrage of daring, wits and charisma that comes with the rapier territory. A different kind of protection, but still an efficient one... Sounds like you're going from fitness in general terms of health toward fitness in specific terms of health. I like the idea of tracking levels of activity rather than calories. As a fellow enthusiastic amateur cook, cooking with the purpose of building my health and physical efficiency could funnel my inner battle and discovery spirits enough to fuel my challenge-driven enthusiasm. I would ponder learning to cook especially efficient and tasty meals that fit the purpose. Once the habit is in and the meals are tasty and delightful to cook, that battle should be won. Some ingredients are more filling than others for less calories, an option could be to develop a whole culinary style around them. Pairig it (or anything, really) with a slew of homemade sauces with fresh ingredients could enhance both the cooking and tasting experience. Depending on how far you want to go (this may not be for you, it could break the whole cooking experience, I'm mostly throwing it in as a random idea, just in case), you could recruit Husband to weight the ingredients beforehand and let only the desired portions on the counter so that what you have in front of you is what you're going to cook and eat, without ever having to touch a scale. New territories are disconcerting but you know the routine of keeping on exploring even after registering setbacks. The path ahead may seem alien but you do know yourself. Sure feet will find stable ground, no matter if they slip at first. From stumbling to tumbling, you'll bring out fear in Self-Sabotage's eyes. Looking forward to see this unfold. Also this: Love this!
  22. Hey there. Just adding a thought because I realize it's part of what keeps me on while I fail to achieve as good as I want to by the time I want to. It goes with the heroes thing: The way great achievements are performed is often messy. We see them as grand and awesome and surely our heroes that we look up to were brushing difficulties with a waive of their hand, shining and smiling. This is not so, we idealize them but when they occurred, they were filled with doubt and failure and poor execution of what wasn't really planned to start with. Perfect was never part of the picture, perfect is what our outsiders eyes put on it after the fact. What matters isn't perfect or even decent execution. What matters is to do good enough by the final deadline. Everything in between now and then is noise and doesn't disqualify you from doing what you can for as long as there is time. Time and time again, I've revised my definition of "good enough" for any given project because time and time again, I had set my expectations higher than what I could achieve in my current state of messiness and based them on Perfect Me being assigned to the task. Everytime I've done so, it turns out that what I've achieved in the end was good enough. It also was way below what I had planned for initially. I still struggle with the concept and keep messing my planning by aiming for too high when I am not able to perform at that level under the circumstances, it's not easy for me to accept I have shortfalls and Perfect Me can't always be on the roster, that Spent and Mind Clouded Me is the only person available and I have to make do with it. It's not easy to make do with struggling and keep adjusting our target downward day after day to fit what we are actually able to achieve. When I do so, I try to remember that Spent and Mind Clouded Me, with all his imperfection, is the one who showed up and be grateful to him for doing what he can, no matter how low it is, to adress the situation at hand. Whatever little he struggingly allows for me to achieve is way better that zero, and zero is all Perfect Me has helped me with, with all his unavailable shine. When all is said and done, Spent and Mind Clouded Me is the one I thank for having shown up and got the barely enough, but still enough, done. Be kind and thankful to Present You, she is the only You you have on hand and while the others are unavailable, she is the one who showed up.
  23. Welcome y'all and all and thank you for joining me on this journey. I'm afraid I will skip Week 1 as I will be building igloos and sleeping in them and the people I'm doing it with enjoy spending joyful moments until late in the night without caring much about the time as much as I do. The lack of power outlets to allow the spending of precious battery power on the internet is also part of the picture. One thing I tend to do too is sharing random music videos that fit my current mood so that may happen here too. As a matter of fact, here is one.
  24. I don't know how useful it can be, I tend to have a strong imagery carrying me through life, it's very personal so it may not ring a bell for you but I'll share it just in case. As usual, let me know if it sounds like noise irrelevant to your situation, the purpose is not to drown you under theoretical discourse, I'll do what I can to adopt a better angle if drowning/boring you is what it does. That's exactly what I'm doing too and is a display of excellent priorities management skills by my account. @Mistr and @Scaly Freak have answered awesomely already but yes, it is a very worthy accomplishment. Sometimes, getting to fight another day is all that can be asked for, and it is not necessarily a given. Getting back to a state of better efficiency and potentially more happiness is a matter of piling "not falling apart yet" after "not falling apart yet" until you reach there. Some of my most meaningful progress has been done crawling and slipping in the mud. If it was easy and didn't require being hammered into our soul time and time again so that we stick with it, we wouldn't have so many motivational movies/books telling us that "it ain't about how hard [we] hit, it's about how hard [we] can get hit and keep moving foward, how much [we] can take and keep moving foward." We have them because crawling on and keeping trying again and again and again when we keep failing again and again is hard and we need them to remind ourselves that in order to move on, we have to stay in the game and that the simple fact that we are still in the game means that we have what it takes to go forward. I'm a Bard (without an instrument because I'm crappy with music), envisioning the story structure of what I'm living is what carries me on. My own way of seeing times like these is that I am writing a story. Nobody will judge my story based on my struggle. They'll get the desire to open the cover because at some point, I have reached some measure of success by someone's account. Then that someone will look at my struggles and use them to write a "501 inspiring habits successful people have that will turn your life around" listing every one of them. Right now, I'm on the way. How I tackle it means everything for me but, to the reader, it is meaningless. They don't care that I don't shine. They don't care that I crawl. They don't care that there are three whole chapters of me messing things up and not getting anything done: they'll just skip them and not put them in the book. Everything I'm living now is necessary for me to become the person I am becoming, the story doesn't end until I get kicked out of the game for good or give up on it and all the future chapters that lie ahead give meaning to everything I'm doing to get there. I trust I am building myself into a beautiful human being and every step ahead will only make it more apparent. I trust you are a beautiful human being and are becoming even more so with every chapter you write. Everything I read from you tells me that. This part of your story looks sad and disappointing and messy, sure! It will probably look inspirational after the fact, when you'll have succeeded at yet another move and rebuilt yourself into a woman full of energy. For what it's worth, I thank you for sharing your struggles with us. The way I am handling human relationships is through the use of filters: the one thing I know is that my view is tinted and what I see isn't the reality so I try to correct for it by layering filters between what I see and myself, dampening my own deformations and highlighting what I identify as meaningful of the person/situation at hand. As long as everything makes sense, I run on the assumption that the set of filters I'm using is working decently enough and I am understanding the people I'm dealing with enough for us to share meaningful time together. When something doesn't make sense, I try to assess it and see if I have to add, remove or modify a filter, until I get back to a situation where everything I've lived so far seems coherent and the system makes sense as a whole. The only way I can go through the process of tweaking my filters and helping me view things in a different perspective is by getting insights of what goes under the surface from people who are kind and trusting enough to let them show. You sharing here means a lot, thanks for that. Ca alors ! La langue de l'existentialisme !* Cue a black and white filter, some sad accordion music in the background and a cigarette while speaking philosphical thoughts. C'est intéressant parce que j'ai tendance, moi-même, à penser en anglais, au point de ne souvent plus trouver les mots adéquats pour exprimer les concepts que je veux dans la vie courante (en français). J'imagine qu'une langue "étrangère" a plus d'attrait que notre langue d'origine pour meubler notre imaginaire. Rien de bizzarre selon moi, mais c'est possible que je sois un petit peu étrange aussi alors ça vaut ce que ça vaut. ** * ** QFT.*** *** Present me is facing the same difficulties, I'm currently working on making peace with the concept that I'm not going to overpower the situation and have to actually give me some sort of leeway to allow myself to rebuild my power reserves and start having some sort of efficiency again. Getting what I need to get done would be easy were I in a better shape/state. I'm not in a better shape/state so, currently, easy it is not. The hard part for now is not focusing on what must be done but rather on rebuilding my energy enough for me to be battle ready. Battle-ready me will take care of the rest. Easy to state, hard to do. You are strong and competent and I have full belief in you. Doubting is understandable and doesn't take away any of your worth: what it makes you is a human being. Human beings are awesome and having times of doubt is part of what makes it so. Let Future You carry you through this, borrow some of her strength, look up to her and reach there. She is worth it. You are worth it. Covered in mud, we crawl. Not because we are strenghtless and powerless but because we are Just. That. Awesome! Let the heroes past and future look at you and say in a joyful voice: "Time and time again, she has set her mind on filling up these boxes and time and time again, she has failed, yet, as crushed as her spirit may be, she doesn't let that destroy her and for every time she fails, there is a time and more where she tries yet again, just as we have for our greatest endeavours. Let us rejoice as she stumbles on her path for, truly, that makes her one of us!"
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

New here? Please check out our Privacy Policy and Community Guidelines