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Everything posted by Jean

  1. I'll probably answer a bit more thoroughly later but just to elaborate on this very good insight from @Scaly Freak: A peculiar thing is that, at the same time, your own facade may actually look as well or even better than theirs. We tend to compare what we know, so our reality, which is what we know of ourselves, and their facade, which is what we know of them. This sheds a very negative light on our own accomplishments and is inherently unfair to ourselves. It's even worse because at the same time, what others see is our facade (which we project but don't really know ourselves) and their reality (which we can at the very best only have the glimpse of an insight of and even then, only with the people of which we are very, very close) so, as we judge ourselves negatively, it is very possible that they themselves consider that their reality doesn't hold to our facade either. Everybody looses. I am very guilty of that myself. It does nobody any good when we pursue avenues where everybody looses. I like this quote from a poem of Marianne WiIliamson very much: "And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." You beating yourself up doesn't make anybody any good. Treating yourself fairly sets an example for others to treat themselves fairly too. No matter how low you think you've fallen, it doesn't matter, at all when it comes to your worth. Nobody wins when you beat yourself up about what you can't seem to achieve that you think should be easy (but really isn't easy at all, seriously). You are willing to be kind toward other human beings. You are a human being too, please, be kind with yourself.
  2. On the other hand, it's not that different from the user experience of buying some professional products dumped on the clients used as beta testers. My remark was "Dude, we've got huge vulnerabilities, shouldn't we quickly do that and that?" And the reply was "Oh, we know that, that's how we have designed it all along. Also the "feature" you've identified isn't the problem we're worried of under the exact current circumstances and we all know that circumstances never change so there's no need for proofing it." I also love the consultant hired to train us telling us "Hey, we're going to do things one step at a time, here's how to put a profile picture! No, you shouldn't bother the admin to get the permissions you need to do actual work on those softwares, there's a way to do what you need to do differently without those permissions, do you want a tutorial?" Dude, yes! Of course, I want all your damn documentation BEFORE the thing is deployed on our whole network so that I can understand the philosophy behind the product and build good habits while using it INSTEAD of guessing and reverse engineering everything and then having to undo and redo the whole way I've used it until then once I learn how it actually works. You know I'm an engineer and I will break it down before it even has a chance to work as you have intended it so skip the process and gimme the whole toolkit before I start making up for it by welding my own tools and unnecessarily bring disarray and future legacy pieces of handcrafted duct-taped modules that nobody after me will dare to touch into the system... Alright, venting over. Back to shaping the world one bolt at a time, this should be a fun day.
  3. Well, I keep thinking I'm on my way to understand and befriend my environment and my employer keeps putting administrative people in charge of deploying new technology... Talk about steeling your mind by getting your hopes crushed time and time again. xD Nothing to see here, carry on.
  4. I seem to have missed what's going on in your life lately. Glad I'm getting to catch up now, wish I had earlier. I know you know this but, underneath the surface, you're doing good and all of your reactions are normal. What's not normal is your situation but we don't get to choose the circumstances we're given, sometimes life sucks, the mature adult thing to do is not to turn into wonderwoman and put everything in order against all odds but to accept that we don't have full mastery on the situation and can be overwhelmed. Humans have this kind of business. I've read somewhere that moving was among the most stressful experiences of the human life (up there with divorce and the death of a closed one) and you're dealing with two in a row. That's something! Could you be handling it better? Sure! But you could also be handling it way, way worse. Some mature human beings would have crumbled already. You're still in the game, that in and of itself is a worthy accomplishment. Not everybody would still have a shot at not completely disintegrating on the spot at this point, I'd take some time to let that sink in, then carry on. Also, don't. compare. yourself. to. what. you. see. of. others. You have no idea what they are going through and they have no idea of what you do. Most of what we project in society is imagery. Some are probably looking at you thinking you're handling things pretty well and they wish they had your strength. Some of those you're looking up to are crumbling into their bed at night and drown it in tears only to cover it up comes the morning before getting out of the house. None has your exact circumstances, some have it harder, many have it easier. None of that is actionable: we are the measure of what we live and there isn't really a way to compare with how other people handle what's happening to them. Do what you can, appreciate that you do, carry on. This, of course, doesn't mean that it isn't very useful to sometimes share what's happening with other trustworthy people. It helps a lot. Could be your mother, could be a friend, can be here with us but rule #1 when things go sour is not to stay alone with them. Could be a mild form of depression. We have two separate words for it in French, a "déprime" is a state of lack of energy and enthusiasm resulting from outside circumstances piling up, it is pretty common, a "dépression" being the medical grade stuff. You are dealing with difficult stuff between clients, the move, living with your mother (which can be stressful at times), caring for your son... add short winter days on that and it's easy to feel the lack of energy weighting on us. Sometimes, focusing on the physicals help: taking some fresh air, small or longer walks, sleeping, eating well, exercising. Your routine seems to be pretty well designed for that, I hope it helps. See? Success! And not a small one at that! I don't care that you could try to brush it off and chalk it as something minor that took you way too much energy and should not count because of the struggle. You did struggle and you did get it done. This is major. Don't take what's yours out of it, you can own it, this is you achieving things despite of the weight on your shoulders.
  5. Speaking of forging this here blade into perfection: Thanks for having shown up and cauterized the neck as the head fell down.
  6. Well, let's do this! I had sort of planned great intentions for this year, most of it will probably happen in a messy way, but it will happen nonetheless. I am not ready for this, but few have been the times when I've taken the luxury to take the path I was ready for. Balance, to me, is more of a dynamic thing than a static one: not staying long enough on the crumbling part for it to crumble under me. I can do it. I don't have the energy for either grand or many things, instead, I will focus on one single habit, the one that truly matters: Go to sleep by 9:30 pm, wake up by 4:30 am. That's it. Most other things will sort of fall in place as I hop on my merry way, oriented chaos is kind of my thing.
  7. You won't just accept a small indent in an otherwise very fine blade, eh? Fine, we'll hone this sword to perfection. I'll do my best to stand up and treat myself fairly and honestly. I will judge my actions but I won't let them make me think less of myself. I can act stupid but I am not stupid. Better? Edit: mandatory circumstancial music:
  8. Well, first of all, thanks for keeping watch for me to be kind and fair to myself. It's appreciated. That being said, I had thought about it before writing it this way and I'm afraid your friend is at least planning in a stupefied way. It's not so much going into the weekends expecting to perform a lot of always the same things -that he then always fail to actually commit to- by overpowering his tiredness, that is matching Einstein's definition of insanity, it is doing so knowing that he won't be able to overpower it and planning like he will anyway. I am making it one of my main life principles to, first and foremost, keep my eyes open to the truth. I can be hit by a truck but I want to look at the truck as it comes crashing toward me. That is my first rule of action: don't play blind, you may take hits and dodge your responsabilities but you have to acknowledge the hits and that fleeing is what you are doing. The pain keeps me honest and facing the consequences of my behavior gives me an incentive to change it for the best. That's why I want to acknowledge that what I am doing is not a tactical fall-back in order to fight and win on another front. It is a battered giving in of "I don't want to fight anymore and we'll see if I'm still alive at the dawn". That is not tactically sound and that is not acceptable. Your friend is smarter than that, he can acknowledge that his resources are limited and he has to make the best of it. That he doesn't have mastery of his environment and that sometimes, there are only bad options on the table and he has to roll with one of them. That not being able to lead another fight is fine and acceptable, that he can welcome it with equanimity and that it doesn't make him any less worthy to not be able to withstand the unwithstandable, that it is just part of what being a kind human means. He doesn't have to densely keep jumping in front of the same headlights only to always stay frozen still as the truck hits him, always in the same fashion. Your friend can learn and I want him to because that is what it means being a grown up and taking charge of one's life. I don't need an excuse to be tired and take some time to rest but it really is stupid to deny myself that rejuvenating time by entertaining the fruitless guilt of "I should be doing that or that" whithout ever doing it. I have deep respect for your friend and I know he can manage his time and expectations so that he doesn't get drained by Wednesday and yet still expect to compensate for it on Saturday and Sunday. So I call it like I see it: your friend is smart and resourceful and I have full confidence he is on the path to keep being even more awesome as each day passes but he is acting dumb and he ought to know better. He can throw his head at the wall as many times he wants, his skull will crack before the wall. Edit: to contextualize things better: I think your friend is doing well and is on the path to fulfillment and happiness, overall, he's doing awesome even if it doesn't show just yet, but he is being blunt and that doesn't befit the man he, himself, aspires to be.
  9. The only way to know for sure is to keep on keeping on. People look at 20somethings posting youtube videos and take them as experts of cryptocurrencies. People with a problem need someone with the confidence to tell them it can be solved, and show them how. I've loved your approach to fitness and nutrition in the "Fitness and Nutrition" subforums. You seem to have learning and problem solving skills and I'm confident you can get there if you want to. It's not necessarily an easy road but if you want to try your mettle, setting a course is the first step to completing the journey. Also, +1 for @Mad Hatter. Software development can be self taught and requires mainly an ability to display coding skills. It's not an easy road but it doesn't require getting additional certifications but rather spending time on projects that are relevant to your interests and being able to pass the hiring tests. It's a common trait in people with skill to undervalue their abilities, perhaps because they can see all the things they don't know and feel humbled by it. Only you can know if adopting the perspective that you are good at learning and good at communicating what you've learned (which is what you've displayed on these boards) would benefit you and society at large. For the purpose of putting things in perspective: there are very good and competent people out there leading their industry and mentoring people around them. They are very rare, too. There are also a bunch of people with subpar skills in positions of power who display confidence to hide that the emperor has no clothes. Meeting the first kind of people is a real treat and fuels the desire to keep becoming better human beings. The second ones are unfortunately much more common. When entering an industry, chances are you'll be dealing with the posers more than the geniuses. I would try not to underestimate my own strengths: the best people aren't always available. In many situations, being a Jack makes you the highest card in the deck.
  10. Aaaand, it's official: 1) I'm on my way. Whatever I'm doing is working and though this is no time for complacency, the dawn is right around the corner. I may stumble but everything will be fine as long as I get up once more than I fall down. 2) I'm stupid and doing the same mistakes again and again, thinking I can overpower what I've not been able to for many months won't make me the person I want to be. Time to grow up and face the truth. Funny how looking reality in the eyes without blinking seems to often be the hardest part of growing up and moving forward.
  11. Springing out of the box because a few things resonated with me, hope you don't mind. That happens to me when being on the way, while setting high expectations for myself and getting tired with not seeing results. That also happens when what needs to be done is thinking and figuring out the path forward. Much of my thinking happens in the background and the next move forward can become apparent while discussing with someone else or reading something. What helps me is to keep in mind that progress often grows under the surface and only shows when it is ready to break the barrier and reach full light: spending a lot of time being stuck is part of my process to move forward. It's grim, but it works. Sounds to me like consulting could be an option, in whatever field you feel at ease with. You'd still have to deal with your clients drama but you are the expert there to solve their problems, a not-taking-bullshit attitude can be considered a plus. Wishing you fullfillment in your endeavours, it may be slow to appear but chances are you'll meet it on the way, if it isn't there already.
  12. So, it seems I keep doing the same mistakes. This is still the same serie of events, so I shouldn't be surprised by it. I'm putting on my big boy shoes and am off to get the work done. "Tired" won't get me where I want to go.
  13. I like writing my thoughts here when I am disturbed, I might as well do it also when I am more at peace. This year spells discipline as the way forward, I'm not ready for that. What I am ready for is following my wisdom and acting on a human level. I haven't won all my battles, and I won't win all the ones ahead. I can't reach all the targets in front of me and, as much as I'm trying to select the ones that truly matter, it feels that there's always too many of them still and I have to trim them down always more. Calming and reassuring is the confidence that I am not the only one experiencing this and that preserving what matters while allowing unneeded targets/pressure to drop into irrelevancy may also take some stress off of the people around me. We'll get to an environment that makes sense yet. Some things have changed in these last few years. I don't think I'm more efficient and I'm certainly not more muscular. I haven't gained much, if any, endurance either. The path ahead remains full, I want to live a healthy life, be attractive, and shine for the people around me. I am not there. What I have gained is sight and insight, of what matters, of the world around me, of what I want for me and for it and how it can be achieved. This is major. The path keeps going on and on and I'll keep relying on my core qualities: not giving up, keeping on, trusting myself, taking risks and being kind. We can be strong, we can be firm and we can be kind. We can move forward. The path forward follows 3 ways: Personal availability: I want to learn to rest so that I can have energy and availability when I am not resting. I want to forge a habit of exercising and going outside so that I can enjoy the world and my own strength. I want to eat good and sufficient food, starting by taking time for it in the morning. I want to build a place to live in, for it to be spare but welcoming and available for my friends. Shaping the Valley: It is a strange place, where I work and live. The people are endearing but often stubborn and short-sighted. We have the resources we need to go forward and keep this place beautiful and thriving but we have to learn to plan ahead and work together. I want to act as a catalyst for that. I want to pursue my application in that other position that would facilitate a pivot. I want to leverage my current position and the potential one ahead to funnel inter-town relationships. This means accepting that I can shape things and taking leadership. Regardless of the results of the application, I want to pursue establishing a climate of friendliness, caring and efficiency among my department and administration. Becoming a mountain leader: I want to successfully organize and accomplish the internships that I have to take in order to register to my school's exams. I want to successfully take part to the last training module, occurring this month, and take the occasion to strengthen my network. I want to fill my profile on our association's website and build my own brand and website. I want to take people mountaineering with me in order to train for the certification exams. I want to keep becoming a better person, keep pushing on, keep on keeping on and explore all the facets of surviving, then thriving, in a modern environment so that I can share them. These are the guidelines, I know I'll fall off track and won't be able to pursue them all. When that happens, I want to cultivate acceptance, the art of not giving up, the art of pivoting and the art of reaching out to people. None of the falls that are bound to occur has the real power to put any of those three goals in jeopardy. Let's walk the walk. Let's be kind.
  14. The game is on. I shall now focus on making myself look attractive and getting my story straight. Fun times!
  15. Thanks go to you for checking on me. I'll gather more information on the opportunity and go for it if it sounds attractive enough. There's something I'm doing horribly wrong and I can't use my weekends to properly recover anymore. I haven't identified what that is yet. I'll try to score a good start of the week and work my way from there.
  16. I'm giving myself until Monday to choose. It would be mainly a lateral move, so I know what I'd leave behind but not really what would be ahead, which would not really be career furthering though I have some vision of what I could do with it. In the meantime, I'm doing all the wrong things that have made the current situation hard to bear once again, namely, letting myself get carried away by what "must" be done and letting it take over my real personal priorities at times when my own priorities should prevail. I really don't like it so I'm planing for some upping up of my game this year so that this kind of giving in doesn't apply going forward. The change of workplace could enter that picture. All in all, I'm a bit lost in my head and hope focusing on myself for the weekend will bring me some measure of clarity.
  17. Thanks for checking in. I've been applying my principles and taking a few more days off, which has done me good and helped start to further my own goals. It took 5 full days to get back into something of an efficient-able state, so that bit was interesting... I've worked today, the plan is to take a day to get up to date at work without outside perturbations at the end of all holidays, this can be done by getting back on Friday (1 day to prepare the next week, then the weekend) or Tuesday (no stressing Monday which is the day when everything must be done in my job). I've taken home 3 key teachings so far: It is SUCH a gamechanger to be in a fit for performing state that I want/need to keep it rolling. I won't achieve anything meaningful in my personal life without getting it. If I want this to work, sleep is key. I must never, ever, sacrifice it. It comes first. Related to the previous point, caffeine hinders more than it helps. A couple of coffees in the morning is fine, handling stress through coffees consumption isn't. I've got a good opportunity to pivot jobwise, I'm pondering chasing it. The alternative is growing in my current position, where I can become the go-to man in my company, which would carry its own set of benefits. That would be a bet that they manage to change their benefits structure going forward, I'm not sure I have that confidence (the main problems I have with my current job are long days, few holidays (for Swiss standards) and no gratitude toward employees/raises). A recent hire did 4 months by us (before finding a better position elsewhere) and already had multiple people complaining to her about that, which is a pretty strong signal by my standards. Evolve or die... my company is currently "dying". Edit: alright, there is a fourth teaching, it is to reject laziness and procrastination and to always do the thing until it's done and to do it immediately when that is possible at all. Reading about the Japanese way of the sword could do me good. Edit2: song for the mood:
  18. I'm already failing at this. I've taken 1.5 days off because I was dropping from fatigue and I'm already thinking about what I should do on Sunday in order to reach the targets I had for this week and handle correctly our global meeting on Monday morning. I'm basically considering trading my Sunday for a Friday while giving out a day of. This is very, very wrong and I must work on it. Practice makes perfect, this has been my problem since I've taken this job. Most everything I've done since then with my holidays has been to deal with this issue (including and especially the mountain leader training - which I don't regret one bit but also come with a price tag attached). I don't know if I can find balance. I've got my focus but it hurts, acknowledging that I live for work, can't reach my targets and am sacrificing year after year (already considering sacrificing this one, which is very, very bad) for my job. And the more I go, the less efficient I'm feeling, the more I feel that I have to compensate for it. At this point, I'm stuck. Building myself back up so that I can figure out the way forward should take precedence so I'll focus on not worrying, enjoying the weekend and sleeping. I have to climb out of this hole. Edit: As a reminder to myself, 2022 goals are: finish the mountain leader training, accumulate a few hours of practice to prepare for the license. move to a better flat/house that will actually suit my needs (points of contention are clothes washing amenities, enjoyable kitchen and shower room, storage space). Staying employed is not one of them. Getting a monthly income is so that is the real target (and would be fulfilled by unemployment insurance in the short term if things turn sour).
  19. Awwww, but that's, like, half of my watching list! This is not what I was planning for, what am I supposed to do with that time? Steal away! But only if it does spark joy. I like to let the steam off when I come here but a lot of the pain is self inflicted. The only lesson in it is that I need to grow, and I have, and I will. Yep, that's me! Going on even if that means I may end up spending some time in a jail. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? It's the whole book that justifies the chapters, even the sad ones. If I let go every time it's tough, what kind of story would I be writing? Awwww, that's nice, thanks! And that feels awesome! Double thanks! I've got a powerful sad music video that goes something like that... Now, this is no time to rest and sit on my butt: 2022 guideline #3 There has been a time for leniency and understanding, fighting off the beatings by taking them, the way of the tank. This was last year and it has served me well. There is now no more room for excuses. What needs be done needs to get done. If I need to rest and recover, I must take the necessary time off, shut my phone and emails off, and rest and recover. If I must send an application for a given date, everything necessary for that application to reach the point where I'm actually proud of it and for it to be sent in time must be done. The deadlines I take on must be met. The deadlines I can’t meet must either not be taken at all, or be unequivocally set later, to a date where they can be met. This year is a year for the way of the warrior. It starts with life hygiene: wake up early in the morning. eat, shower, brush my teeth, put on clean clothes, every day. pay myself with my time first: if I want to exercise, do it in the morning. If I want to go for a hike, take a headlamp and go for a hike. This takes precedence over everything else in the day. be efficient at work, prioritize, use indicators, be very graphic. Write things, draw things, cross things when they’re done. Keep it available and visible. take height and delegate. Organize things, open doors, make resources available, unlock access to people with the ability to solve the problems at hand but mostly use or hire others to do most of the field work. You’ve been a fighter and it has served you well. This is no more your station, get people the resources they need, check that the job gets done, plan, organize, check and keep people accountable, congratulate. People don’t need you to field the ranks, they need you to make sure they got all the ammo they need. Procure the ammo, get ready to organize an air strike, have the extraction convoy ready but let them do the field work. You can't shape a winning environment when you have your head in the mud. don’t slack outside of time dedicated to resting. Your house needs to be ordered and clean, your clothes need to be washed, you need to be taken care of. always clean and store your equipment after having used it. This is part of the task you've done with it and takes precedence on everything else. You are part of the routine: take care of yourself before storing you out for the night. Don't cut corners. Areas of focus right now are: sleeping: there’s no way around it. Go to bed early, take planned naps if needs be. eating: don’t be cheap. Buy and cook portions of decent size. Don’t go to bed before having prepared: the breakfast for the morning. a couple of sandwiches for the morning break. a packable meal for the lunch. living: keep clean clothes. Right now, that means washing, drying and storing 6 items every day. Don't dodge around it, get it done. keep a clean and ordered house. Right now, that means decluttering 4 square meters of surface every lunch break. clear your mind: wake up early and go for a walk/a hike in the morning, go for a hike during the weekend. Practice tai chi. That time is your time, use it for yourself. exercise: build up a strength, endurance and mobility training regimen. Run, exercise or hike in the early morning (this takes precedence over the last point on workdays). Target for this year is finishing mountain leader training. That means : ordering a suitable first aid kit. filling my profile on the association’s website. staying in shape. calling a few people to get the mandatory 4 days of internship. take people with me on hikes and practice the trade. Secondary targets : upgrade my living arrangements: rent or buy a place that fits my needs. get back outside, spend time with my friends, build a tribe, get back on the dating scene. We need a theme song for this year. I suggest this one: Let's rock like this world isn't prepared for it!
  20. Thanks! I'll smash it by applying this: 2022 resolution #2: refrain from immediately being a smartass. Walk away and let it cool down, if by the time you come back, you still want to react like a smartass, then be a smartass.
  21. I need to be reminded this time and time again. No matter how much I think I have it ingrained in my being, I keep being surprised and having to remind myself. It sure should! But it indeed won't. Glad your communig with the iron again, even if that means washing clothes gets pushed into hard mode. xD I like Grim Dawn's Constitution bar/overlay: as long as it's not empty, it's used to regenerate your HP very quickly while out of fight. When it's depleted, you loose this ability and won't regenerate HP anymore. Very fitting for the way I feel life. That being said, I'll be following from a distance. Rooting for you, you've got this.
  22. With a sigh of relief, the weary druid feels the presence of the Grove and his fellow druids strengthening as he draws closer to the grove. The sight of it fills him with joy and, for a moment, he forgets the blood running down his right flank, thickening in the furs protecting him from the cold he's come from. This year has taken its toll, but also brought with it some hope, if only he can survive the winter. For now, what he needs is rest. Though he'd usually enjoy their presence, he avoids the druids gathered around: linking himself with nature is what he needs right now. He sits at some distance from the Oak Circle, his back against a rock, hums the air, closes his eyes and lets go, a smile on his face. [I won't be joining in the challenges but am cheering for you. Thanks for restoring this place/thread!]
  23. I'm not where I'd want to be, two days of rest have told me that I need a whole slew more. I wanted to start this year strong with a challenge but I'll focus on recovery instead and put no pressure on myself for the coming week. Have a meaningful and fulfilling year 2022 and keep growing! I know I will, tiny step by tiny step. Edit: Alright, starting now, I am Marie Kondoing my internet habits: 5 minutes into a Youtube/reading binge, I will ask myself "does this spark joy?" or "does this really bring something to me?" and if it doesn't, I will close the tab on my browser. This should be a huge quality of life improvement.
  24. Alright, I've got this. Wednesday, December 22: Slept enough. Ate enough. Didn't do my work hours. Exercised. I'm getting even on the work hours front so I'll be able to take some pressure off there in the future. The trick will be smooth transitioning, I'll have to focus on that for a few weeks.
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