Jean

Alright, I've got less spoons left than I would like and I'm not making nearly as much progress as I feel is needed but that doesn't matter either: I'll do it bruised. What matters is that I have had a delicious lunch and am preparing to eat a delicious, if simple and easy, dinner, that I have performed a full workout, and that I can go to bed in a warm and safe house where I can rest and fight one more day, and then as many more after that as are necessary. Things are actually pretty good.

"[My] deepest fear is not that [I am] inadequate. My deepest fear is that [I am] powerful beyond measure." Energized, up and ready. Thanks y'all! Let's tackle this day.

As a reminder for myself: The path forward is not easy, and it is not simple but I have clarity of mind and I know what to do. The problem isn't knowledge and the problem is only partially people around me lacking the skills to understand reality as it is. The problem is acknowledging that I am in deep shit and that the path ahead leads to being covered in mud. No amount of hesitating at the bottom of the muddy slope will make the hill go away. I can somewhat choose when to tackle it but when I have a semblance of energy and mental shield, there's no hesitation to be had: I will have to go through the mud and I might as well do it then. Also, also:

What it does for me is help me center and get a clearer view of what actually is and of what really matters, I hope you'll either find some of the things you are looking for in your current situation, or meet people who'll help you tap into the benefit of the pack while not sacrificing your own well-being as a price.

So, I've taken lack of sleep, headaches and work anxiety as excuses to let things drop. This is usually where I would drop caring about my wellbeing altogether and use feeling beaten down as a coping mechanic. But not today! I have my emergency workout. I have my emergency food. I have my workout clothes at the ready. I have meals prepped for the lunches of my whole work-week in the fridge. I am a wonderful person who is worthy of being taken care of. Everything I've lived so far was necessary to get where I and my employer are now. Nothing I've had to do on the way is too ugly or scary to warrant any loss of sleep over it. What I lack is a more complete support system, which is why carrying out the Anti-Challenge to the end is worth it: My community is: You, dear friends, of course! Friends I can reach out to. There are some of them that would have a fitness/exercising mindset though they are located rather far from me so arrangements would have to be made. Some of my colleagues could be interested in mounting a sports-team and taking part to a few events together. What I really need is to setup a communication network to share events and training sessions and have anyone who wants to jump in jump in. Most of my potential teammates use What'sApp so that could be the plateform for it at the start. I'd rather not use something Facebook related but I'll not let what is best be the enemy of what is good enough. I haven't had breakfast today. I have eaten a deliciously diversified and filling meal at lunch and have cooked another one for dinner. I have run for 4*5'. What remains are the dark clouds on my mind that I don't know how to dispel. It doesn't matter. I'll do it scared. Also:

Dark chocolate works so well it feels like cheating. That's what kept us up during cold winter walks in the army. You have to eat only one piece and keep the remainder for when the night gets even colder, though, eating the whole bar at once doesn't work the same magic at all. Thanks for the good ideas, you're both awesome.

Got my first email from the past, it feels good. I think I'll adopt the system moving forward. I've cheated about the nutrition goal of changing one thing in my environment since I did it two days ago. My kitchen is now clean and it is once again a treat to cook. That will take me a long way. I've got what I need in my fridge and pantries and am ready to handle life. Emergency food is cheese, black bread and an apple. That will stay "fresh" forever, take no time to prepare and will take me through the times of no spoons. I don't recall if it was @Scaly Freak or @sarakingdom who had suggested it in a previous challenge but having cheese and bread ready is indeed pretty darn useful, so thanks for that. I have started eating breakfast again. I'm finally accepting that I must adapt myself to my actual cooking hob instead of stubornly deciding that quick cooking is an heresy and trying to slow cook everything even though my hob is very, very poor at it. As a result, I can now make my breakfast (croque-monsieurs, bacon and a fried egg) in less than an hour (I know, I know, don't look at me like that). I've used my emergency workout to get me to exercise because I didn't have enough energy to actively go out and do what I had planned to do. It worked good enough so I am counting that as a win. Onward and upwards!

Day 2: I've made my exercising clothes readily available near the entrance of my house. I may take a fitness/swimming pool subscription this year, the idea would be to go swimming at lunch break and maybe use the fitness equipment a bit (I still prefer free weights in nature but getting there consumes a tiny bit more of mental energy so the option might be worth it). I may also take a NF coach this year, in a few months because I'll let the January boost go down. I will put a hiking bag with hiking clothes, water and a few things in my car at some point. One of my goals would be to go to work by foot, this should be possible this year since we're acquiring a work vehicle so I won't need to take my own every day. Emergency workout is: 3x10 push-ups 3x10 squats 3x5' walks I work in an office and don't have access to a place to change clothes and shower while there, so I need to avoid sweating. This should allow for me to do it while at work, which means no excuses not to do it. I like how the anti-challenge challenge focuses on emergency things, planning for difficulties rather than for the best. Once again, kuddos to team NF. My daily exercise was "running" for 21' uphill. I'm doing 2' walk, 1' running iterations, it seems to be working. Alternative is a longer hike but I probably won't find the motivation and availability for that most of the days. Every other day is workout day, with my basic workout: 4*10 squats 4*10 push-ups 4*10 inverted bodyweight rows 4*10'' of hollow holds with 3*5' of running inbetween

Hi there, remember me? 'Cause I'm afraid I've been in the process of forgetting who I really am. I've spent more years than I can remember trying not to break, going through life on resistance mode, fighting fatigue, fighting mental breakdown and fighting illnesses at time. My shield has been my weapon and it has served me well for although I very well might have, I have so far not broken. Being passive is not enough, though. Being is better than not being, it allows for me to facilitate what I want to see happening, and to get in the way of what I find would be harmful, but there's ever so much a rock can do, so I am moving on. From rock to turtle, from turtle to platypus, from platypus to wolverine, from wolverine to bear, from bear to lion, from lion to lean mean swift and strong fighter and from then on, who knows? In short, it's time I start devoting resources to myself and accept to live in a world of plentiful going forward. Kuddos to team NF for having started the anti-challenge, I'll use that framework to get me started because despite all my wants, I'm in no shape to give a good fight right now (it doesn't matter much, I'll fight with what I have). So, Day 1: Big Why I want to belong. Internal motivations: > Since I can't find a place I belong, I want to create it so that others can belong there too. > I want to create the Brosterhood. For that, I need to be a beacon of safety and liberty. > Safety and liberty start with physical shape and expand into mental shape. > Physical and mental shape when deployed together make you formidable, a force not to be trifled with, yet a reassuring presence for those who belong with you. Reminders sets through emails I'll get every two days for this week, then in March and September, then again in March 2024. Let's fire this up.

I have no expertise in the healing powers of cats' purrs and Youtube gives me all kinds of frequencies for "healing music" but that half of them are "for cats" may explain that. Unless someone more expert than I am states the opposite, the way sound works and all other things being equal, a recording should work as well as a real cat. We're not in a lab and cats aren't perfect spheres in a vacuum, so the recording would show artifacts that hinder the powers it may have, this should be a small effect and most of the properties of the purr should remain. I do expect that the actual petting and just the sheer cuteness of cats participates in the process too, though, so radios should not be ready to replace real cats just yet.

This is my tribute to your unchallenge: Edit: this one is better because there are more cats:

For those wondering what is happening in my life, the only thing on schedule is not drinking coffee in the afternoons. The trend is still alive but I'm starting from so very low that anything, really, constitutes doing a bit more of what I want to do... I don't expect meeting the goals of this challenge but since I like this plan, at least I have it down on paper for when I'll decide to actually go for it. On positive news : despite the usual chaos around, we have managed to enforce working processes for my department at work. It was not a given and went through all the phases of exerting and countering political influences. I'm glad I am able to win those fights, there are more of them in the future. Anoter good piece of news is that I am now very close to having my financial tracking spreadsheet all clean and ready for next year. This was not a given either since I have applied major changes to my setup these last months. That's yet another concern off my head. Now to keep recovering and show how efficient I can really be.

Sunday, November 6th [ x ] went out by 10 pm (can't say I slept a lot, the night was kind of cold, but it's the effort that matters. I think I could get used to this if I manage to make it a real thing) [ ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning (N/A) [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning (N/A) [ x ] ate breakfast [ ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon (N/A) [ x ] ate dinner [ x ] did exercise today [ x ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi

Did it, feels good. The real test is the sleeping tonight. I've somehow screwed my weekend and not set on a location as of now, though I am less in a hurry to get to work very early tomorrow so I may settle for my vineyard, which would be an easy target for the first night. The thing is, those rules should apply to everybody. How do you get nearing the age of 40, married with kids, as an engineer in the relevant field and not know that you can't spam people 24/7 and have to leave them space to actually do their job and not be 100% of the time purely devoted to you? I'm baffled. Baffled, say I! Saturday, November 5th [ ] went out by 10 pm (poker night trumped that, in that I had no plan to actually go out while I didn't know at what time the game would end) [ ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning (N/A) [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning (N/A) [ x ] ate breakfast [ ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon (N/A) [ x ] ate dinner [ ] did exercise today (actually gave up for the week) [ ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi (ditto)

Mental energy availability: the weekend is when I have time to plan and organize and reset the way I work, doing so during the week, with the work stress on my shoulders is more than I could handle. Speaking of which, we are the weekend and I have some form of energy. Time to take those 30 minutes and take care of my body.

Friday, November 4th [ ] went out by 10 pm (apparently, planning where to go isn't as optional as I would have wanted it to. I'll let this slide for now and focus on choosing a place this weekend) [ x ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning (N/A) [ ] ate breakfast [ x ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon [ x ] ate dinner [ ] did exercise today (actually gave up for the week) [ ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi (ditto)

Thursday, November 3rd [ ] went out by 10 pm (apparently, planning where to go isn't as optional as I would have wanted it to. I'll let this slide for now and focus on choosing a place this weekend) [ x ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning (yes! It was HARD, my colleague keeps probing me for attention even after being repeatedly dismissed with the "I have 0 seconds for you today" sentence... I don't understand how this man works) [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning (N/A) [ ] ate breakfast [ x ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon [ x ] ate dinner [ ] did exercise today (actually gave up for the week) [ ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi (ditto)

Wednesday, November 2nd [ ] went out by 10 pm (apparently, planning where to go isn't as optional as I would have wanted it to. I'll let this slide for now and focus on choosing a place this weekend) [ ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning (N/A - 1st day) [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning (N/A 1st day) [ ] ate breakfast [ x ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon [ x ] ate dinner [ ] did exercise today (forgot it again o.O !?) [ ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi (ditto) I had a strange experience tonight. I was laying in bed, trying to rest, and it was 2:30 am and then, suddenly, right after, it was 5:30 am, and I haven't seen a minute pass. Is that what sleeping is like? Feels like it hadn't happened to me in the spawn of my memory. It could be stress decompression too, I felt very broken and void of energy at 5:30 when I woke up. It feels like I really need some rest.

Tuesday, November 1st [ ] went out by 10 pm (threw it away for no good reason due to a mix of not having planned where to go and deciding that "I should use part of the night for work", which is precisely what I am trying to avoid.) [ ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning (N/A - holliday) [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning (N/A) [ x ] ate breakfast [ ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon (N/A) [ x ] ate dinner [ ] did exercise today (delayed going for it and then, somehow, forgot I had to do it?) [ ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi (ditto)

Howdy folks! Long time no see. I guess I've finally reached the limit of how much stress and being backed into a corner I can endure and I lashed out at work on Friday. This is not acceptable. I don't want it to happen ever again. So it's back to basics. This is one of these dry, checking boxes, types of challenges. There is a lot of venting that needs to happen but that is not what I want to happen here. This place is for focus. I am not planning on taking energy to actively try to answer comments, this challenge is specifically to give me leeway not to care and focus all my resources toward recovering and rebuilding my mental health. While I thank you deeply for the support you have provided so far, and for the support you may provide going forward, you should not come here with expectations. My goal is self-reflection and self-tracking. 3 areas of focus : Mindset Rest: take out my sleeping bag, go somewhere remote, sleep. No computer, no phone, no internet, just an alarm buzzer in case I need it. Checking time for this is 10 pm. Protect your time: take 30 minutes for myself in the morning at work and freeze the Wednesday morning to work on my own projects. During those hours, I don't exist. No phones, no emails and most importantly, no interruptions from coworkers. To enforce this, earbuds will be on during those times. This will be communicated in no equivocal terms on Wednesdey 2nd, morning. Checks : [ ] went out by 10 pm [ ] took my 30 minutes of freedom in the morning [ ] worked on my projects on Wednesday morning Eating Cook and eat every morning: 1 croque-monsieur, 1 egg, 1 mug of coffee. Cook and eat in the evening: stir fry of vegetables and potatoes, 1 meat. Drink herbal tea instead of coffee during the afternoon, at work. Checks : [ ] ate breakfast [ ] drank no coffee at work this afternoon [ ] ate dinner Exercising Alternate between core exercise days and running days. Practice low effort pseudo tai-chi as warmup-cooldown Checks : [ ] did exercise today [ ] did practice some pseudo tai-chi And this is it. Start date is tomorrow, I'm off to gear on and fill my pantry today. Be great and overcome.

Thanks for your support. Two things, though, to put things in perspective: Currently, solving other peoples problems is how I make my living. Pivoting requires capital, that time will come but it is not now. I'm coming to see the end of the tunnel but I must endure some more still. In a way, I feel like I'm remaining pointedly focused on my own problems by addressing those other problems. Understanding the world and figuring out how to affect it is what I do for a meaning. In a form, it is a facet of who I am. There are other ways to do that in other environments but I don't think trying to solve things around me will ever not be part of what I want to do. Of course, sometimes/oftentimes, solving things requires not acting and letting other people deal with them. That's a legitimate tool that I want to add into my box and that I am working on developing. All in all, I am someone who tends to solve things by walking around them, studying them and taking a seemingly unrelated step that does get them out of my way (because it was affecting them behind the curtains in ways the apparent symptoms didn't make obvious). In some way, this is a part of who I am, and a part that I like. Now, I need to build more assertiveness and gain stature to more easily deal with powerful people. That is in the works and I am on my way, though, sometimes/oftentimes, the journey comports a stage going through the storm. The storm will subside, but I am within it. I have confidence in my personality and skills to get through but having gone through it in the future doesn't prevent present me to have to do the thing in real time. Also, just because I love that song:

In relative terms to the rest of humanity, they are going great. 😉 I am just trying to solve the world's conundrum and can't understand why people don't see what they're doing is creating problems for themselves and the rest of their community around them. Part of that answer is that they don't have to feel the whole consequences of them because of people like me who intervene to mitigate them. That, of course, is a lesson in behavior for me, but worldly matters make it difficult to act on that knowledge.

Thanks for inquiring. Things are... not good. I still can't wrap my head about how we (my community) have everything we need to have it very nice and enjoyable, how we keep creating our own problems and how they keep falling and weighting on my shoulders. My personal life is not like that, I don't have the problems the needy people who fall back on me have and that's not a matter of luck. Something's wrong with our politicians (no shit Sherlock!) but there must be something wrong with me too. The fact that I've been underwater for 6 years with no clue about what a life away from the "frontlines" looks like probably has something to do with it. I'm calling it quits for now. I'm drained and can't foresee a time when I'll not be, in this environment. My main focus is on pivoting. There are several options I can pursue but I'll have to have energy and availability for them. I'm calling this challenge wrapped up and am not putting any pressure on my shoulders to start another one.

We also build resiliency with time, and lifting the weights requires less active energy as doing so enters passive mode, on our way to let go of those weights entirely and moving on to the next phase of our life. You've got this.

You can be darker than your darkest fears to send them crying away, and you can shine brighter than any light. Have fun getting to know yourself for the person you are, both in the darkest nights and in your brightest achievements.