gabrielle_of_poteidia

Thank you for your kind words @Dilnad. I agree that his response is at least indicative of a level of respect and consideration. It doesn't exactly make it less painful, but does allow me to continue on with dignity, once I find the courage to return. You're very kind in your evaluation of my thought process - my poor friends who have been privy to the whole thing in real time would probably interpret it more as me overthinking everything and taking far too long to make a move. There has been a lot of eye rolling and exasperated noises! But I think it's safe to say I don't rush into things. The notion of "giving up" (or not) is complex. Truth be told, I am really not looking for any sort of relationship, nor was I when Captain Hotness rocked up with his movie star good looks and adorable manner and general all round niceness. He was really something of an anomaly. I wouldn't really know how to look for a romantic relationship - I've rather tended to just stumble into them as a result of an existing friendship - and I've actually built my life over recent years on the notion that I cannot rely on acquiring a romantic partner, and assuming that I won't meet one. I've overcome some pretty significant mental health difficulties to get back into work; I've bought a house with my best friend who I consider a platonic life partner; I'm working on a qualification that would allow me to earn enough money to lift me above the poverty line. Due to ongoing mental health difficulties, I cannot live alone or work full time. I'm open to the idea of a romantic partner if such a person comes along (I'm bisexual, so gender is irrelevant) but at the same time I'm not exactly seeking or hoping for one. That said, this journey has revealed to me that I have ended up more isolated and sedentary than I would like. I have a very small circle of friends, and other than visiting them and hanging out at their houses, I never do anything but work, exercise, and occasionally work on creative projects at home. So one thing I am planning to do is try and be a little more outgoing and expand my social circles. Thanks once again to everyone who responded. I'm doing much better than I was a week ago. I've vented to a few friends, including one who was unaware of the whole sorry saga, and it really helped to put it in perspective. I've still yet to go back, but I'm getting much stronger and recognising what associated nerves have been touched by this experience.

I can totally relate to this, but I suspect that in his head it is a hard no, or as near as damnit. I think it's purely wishful thinking that's interpreting his "I just started seeing someone" as a temporary state of affairs. I think it would come across pretty weird if I asked him to confirm - it's not like he's asked me to wait on the back burner or anything. For the time being, I'm just choosing to entertain a fiction in my head where I tell myself he was just being polite and 100% wasn't interested. If he ever proves me wrong... well, I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I'm trying to push the possibility from my mind. I'm also steering clear for now, going to the other branches, trying my hand at my old classes that have opened up again. Kind of anxious about showing my face again until I know I won't blub in public and look like an idiot. I'm sure I'll get there though. It's just hit me pretty hard and opened up a whole can of worms for me, so I'm working on those issues and trying not to get too caught up on this one thing that I can't control. Thank you to everyone who's been responding to this thread. You've all be so supportive, your kindness has been a great help.

I'm so sorry for your experiences. Often people don't realise how damaging the emotional abuse can be. Although my ex was only violent on a handful of occasions, the verbal abuse was debilitating, and the control and the threats were often all that were needed. Those cruel words stay with you for years. I'm glad to hear you've been able to move on. I'm kind of clinging to this possibility at times, but at others I feel like I'd have preferred a flat out "no thanks". No missed opportunity, no fragile hope. Sometimes I try to imagine that I never really stood a chance and he was just being polite and regretted it. But as you say, it still bodes well in that I am no longer a target for no-good people, which is an improvement!

@Athena this is such a powerful response, thank you! Your words are both profound and poetic. I do, despite everything, feel incredibly brave. I don't think I would change the fact that I spoke up. He told me himself that he admired my bravery, and I hope that at least secures me some respect if I do get a little teary at some point in the future. It's been a long journey to get here. I'm a DV survivor and I carry a lot of trauma with me from the past. I get extremely nervous when I receive interest from men and rarely experience mutual attraction as I will usually feel threatened before I get the chance to reciprocate, or take so long getting that iron hot that they've long since lost interest. I have a far healthier dynamic with women, but the relationships tend to fizzle very quickly. I think this particular rejection has touched a nerve as my last relationship was a 2 year car crash where I was caught up in a recurring love triangle and kept on a back burner in case things didn't work out with one of the other women. I guess I should be grateful I didn't get drawn into that nonsense again, but it still hurts when I'm constantly losing out to "better offers" and sends a clear message that I'm not worth committing to (but other people are). I'm not sure what the likelihood is of my meeting someone else at this stage. It's been ten years since the last time I was interested in anyone at all, and most of my interests seem to be toxic or lacklustre. It was nice to have that "oh, wow!" feeling about someone but it's never happened before and I find it hard to believe it would happen again. But I've taken steps to build myself a good life for myself. I have a close circle of friends, and bought a home with my best friend. I have 2 beautiful cats and I'm working on getting a qualification that will boost my career. I will be okay, either way.

Thank you Tank, you are encouraging enough to live up to your name! ❤️ I would absolutely love for things to get back to normal. I think it will be tough as I've carried a serious torch for this guy for the best part of a year (and the odd burning match of passing interest for the previous eighteen months). It's hard not to look at all my options through a lens of thinking "how can I protect my feelings while maximising the possibility that he might give me another chance if things don't work out with his current person?" which is... not necessarily the healthiest outlook to have. In the past I've always clung to being the "cool girl" who doesn't care about stuff, and I've grown a lot since then, hence my newfound vulnerability (resisting the urge to call it weakness, for it is not!) but my instinct is still to be "strong". But you're right, I don't think that helps. He's a good guy, I think he was worried about me, and I know he will ask if I'm alright, but I don't want to come across like I'm laying on the guilt if I admit that I'm hurting, and I certainly don't want to risk blurting my feelings out like word vomit and crying all over him in the weights room!

Hey all, it's been such a long while but I felt I wanted to share a final update: Gyms reopened here on April 12th. I spoke with the guy at length, repeatedly, not without flirtation, on the 17th, and almost asked him out there and then. But I chickened out. I saw him a couple of times after and finally, on May 8th, I bit the bullet and told him I really liked talking to him and was wondering if he wanted to hang out sometime. He immediately said yes and asked for my number, which I gave. For the following week, I waited for him to call/text. And waited... and waited. Nothing. I began to wonder if he'd noted my number down wrong. On Saturday, I saw him again, and he called me over. Told me that he'd just started seeing someone and although it's very early stages felt it would be doing us both a disservice if he started seeing me too. He asked if I was ok and if I still wanted to be friends. At the time I said sure, no worries, but after I got home I've sort of gone to pieces. I can't fault his honesty but I'm furious with myself that I spent so long being afraid to make my move, and now I missed my window. I'm pretty cut up about it all still, not sure if I can face going back yet. I've been to another branch to avoid him, but I hate that particular branch (too small, broken equipment, unfriendly patrons) and I think that actually made me feel worse. So I think I might be braving my usual gym or finding a new one altogether. As always, advice is welcome. I'm 36 years old and crying over a rejection like a high school kid, so feeling rather silly. Not sure whether to try and put on a brave face, steer clear, or just go and let it be as awkward as it needs to be if he asks how I'm doing.

Oh yes I watched the documentary "Free Solo" about his project to climb the dawn wall of El Capitan without ropes. What an astonishing guy! (This thread went on a weird tangent, and this is so completely cool.) Also, having seen some hardcore knitters in my time, I'm sure "knitting to failure" looks like running out of yarn. Quickly hopping on here to add that I'm not super great at lifting to failure as I have a perfectionist streak a mile wide and don't like failing! 😆 Like, if the plan says to do 10 reps then I'm gonna DO 'EM damnit! So I probably lift a little under what I could manage if I wasn't trying to avoid bailing out. That said, I'm probably not gonna aim for hypertrophy while I'm nursing these feelings, not that I can right now because the gym is closed for lockdown and it's hard to lift heavy with the supplies I have at home. I'm having to get really inventive with my exercises, but that's cool because I'm trying new things I never tried before, and it's helping my balance as I've been forced to adapt all my squats to one-legged variants.

I am very over critical of myself. My perceptions are extremely varied and warped and can swing from one extreme to another in the space of a day. The trouble is I can sort of pose in front a mirror and feel good about myself but I hate candid pictures, so as soon as someone snaps one of those my brain just goes "that's what you actually look like when you're going about in the world!" and I hate it. Yes I do follow a few fitness Instagram people of varying shapes and sizes - stephanie_buttermore; thedailykelsey; aiden_m365; feefiefofeather; - and I can see the beauty in everyone. I guess it's just that I never like the way my body looks as I never seem to fit any standard. I find it frustrating when I feel I get glimpses where I feel ok and then it gets shattered and I can't even tell what changed. Satisfaction seems so fragile. I might knock the tricep dips and the bodyweight rows off the itinerary for the next month and see where that takes me. I'm hitting my triceps, back and biceps a little with the pushups, hanging leg raises and fantastic fours, so it won't be a complete abandonment! I think it's the not feeling feminine enough, and I think I feel bad about that as I have been fielding negative comments about "losing my femininity" for years now since I started training. I have always considered myself to be pretty bad at femininity in general so have always shrugged it off and said "don't care". I guess there was a limit to that, and I think I'm also ashamed that I've actually reached that point. Most of my friends are fellow LGBTQ+ folk, and eschewing gender roles and norms is kind of our bag, and so the compliments of my friends are definitely coming from that kind of angle, but it's tough when that comes into opposition with my more conformist streak. (I also have a complicated relationship with gender and have periodically considered transitioning, but I feel I would be swapping out one set of impossible standards with another, and so I try to be content just swimming freestyle in the centre of the gender spectrum, but it's not easy as I feel "mismatched" in my body in many ways.) This one is so tough. I don't know what to do at this stage. I'm being discharged from therapy in 4 weeks. I've unpacked the origins of my issues - critical parents, abusive partner, friends who put me down to make themselves feel better - but it never quite seems to change how I see myself. I can believe that my friends think I look good, but I also know this is subjective, and the compliments regarding my size have now begun to feel like they are praising an aspect of myself I am no longer striving toward. This is an interesting one. I have no recent photos of myself. I just pose in front of the mirror sometimes and think "ok, I'm good with this" but then I relax and it's gone. I can't hold myself like that all day. I don't even own a full length mirror. The only photos I see of myself are usually candids and most of the time I hate them. I have done photo shoots in the past, and was planning another but the past year has sort of scuppered everything. I may have to remedy that have a crack at it, or learn how to take selfies. Oh feel this big time! I have an incredibly long torso and have always had tiny legs. But a few years ago I had a smaller waist and I think I preferred it. I've been trying to build something in the abs/obliques department and just seem to have gotten broader and rounder. I do love my shoulders though. 🥰 My instructor said - probably 3 years ago now - that what I was looking at was probably more bodybuilding than powerlifting, so when the gyms reopen I may need to consult for a more specialised routine. My absolute number 1 priority is just getting the endorphins/testosterone in my system that give me energy and happyfeels to get through my day. I'm not exaggerating when I say "exercise gives me life" because when I lapse, I become a sullen, lethargic lump. I'm not particularly talking about a high - it just keeps me functional. I need to move my body to keep my brain ticking. I had wanted to build enough strength to do a pullup, but if that means having an overly bulky back, then that's a goal I'm willing to forgo. But I enjoy strength training - doesn't have to be heavy weights. I love the atmosphere of a gym. I love running (or walking) in the open country. I enjoy yoga (I have a yoga buddy now and we do remote yoga together by sharing Adrienne's popular videos) and when classes are operating, I've also loved doing MMA. Although I love weightlifting, there are aspects of yoga and pilates and other bodyweight workouts that appeal to me: there is something about the movements that seem like magic to me, and so to be able to move like that would make me feel superhuman! But with "gentler" things like yoga or walking, I have to silence the critical part of me that feels like it isn't "real exercise" because it doesn't burn enough calories. 🙄 I certainly won't be trying to force myself into anything I won't enjoy - I exercise for the love of it, for the most part. But yeah, I think a vain part of me likes the idea of feeling attractive, too. This seems super relevant, but I actually have extremely wide hips. Not just in terms of fat, but just bone. I carry a lot of weight on my lower body, but even at my leanest, I am VERY pear shaped, and any absence of fat is rendered completely moot, as the widest part of my lower body is always my extremely broad hipbones. My hips are 11" bigger than my waist, and I was specifically training my shoulders to "balance out" my hips and thighs. I have succeeded - my shoulders are now about 1.5" wider than my hips and I do look a little more balanced, but I think I dislike some of the other muscle I'm building around my back and limbs, and my middle seems to be filling out. Hoo boy this is also likely. My carb intake fluctuates, but I've been in a depressive funk for 2 weeks as I had to have my cat put to sleep, and all thoughts of watching what I ate went out the window while I grieved and cried and had cake and ice cream and pizza because every day was a duvet day. So yes, water retention is also a distinct possibility. I think this is THE BIGGEST FLUCTUATION I see in my physique these days. 😅 As for how long I've been doing this routine? Technically it's been since December 28th when the country went into lockdown again, but I've had lapses and time has lost its meaning. Gyms reopen on April 12th, I'll probably change it up then. And repeating this because it's so true! There are things in my control, but I'll for example never look like a pixie, or rock an androgynous look. Because I'm tall with giant hips and nothing will change that. Achieving those body types would be nothing but an exercise in futility, and misery. 😛 I am also tall with giant hips! Hippy giant solidarity! This is so tough sometimes because I feel I will never rock either the willowy femme look or the athletic masc/butch one. Somewhere there is a version of myself that I can love, and yeah, it might just be the version I see in the mirror tomorrow because I'm in a better mood. Thank you both for your detailed and comprehensive replies. I realise I do a lot of rambling on here so I appreciate your taking the time. I don't really feel comfortable sharing my insecurities with friends as there is almost a counter-productive propensity towards body positivity among my circles where I feel kind of ashamed to say "actually I feel pretty crappy about the way I look at the moment". I have now de-escalated from the insomnia-inducing anxiety I was experiencing last night to a mild worry or dissatisfaction. I think I shall make some minor changes, but also look into things I can do like getting some decent photos. Lockdown has been the worst as I barely feel like a person half the time, so my self esteem is on the floor! Roll on April 12th! Thanks once again. xxx

Hi folks, I had a bit of a panic yesterday and was wondering if anyone had any advice. I've been working out pretty consistently (save for a few periods of "meh") in one form or another for around 8 years. I started with running, and then added weight training into the mix after I plateaued with the running. When I first started out, I lost around 25lbs pretty effortlessly. Since then I have gotten "stuck" at the 150lb-155lb mark. My weight seems to have been pretty steady for the past few years, and yet I seem to have 'bulked up' quite a bit, especially on the upper body, so I think my weight has redistributed over the years, perhaps? On one hand, I am really proud of my gains. I like feeling strong, I love the little 'dips' in my upper arms and my solid, rounded shoulders. But lately I'm feeling really dissatisfied with how bulky I am, especially around my back and waist. Last night I shared a progress picture with some friends and while I got overwhelmingly positive comments, and acknowledgement that I must have worked really hard, the more I looked at the photo I just... didn't like my shape. I look boxy and chunky, more 'solid' than toned, even through my body fat is actually pretty low. When I started lifting, I was aiming for dense, compact muscle with a trim shape and definition, but I just can't seem to get there, even though my body fat is reasonably low. Even eating a significant calorie deficit only shaved off a few pounds (800 daily deficit for about 6 months, and I only lost 8lbs) and it was really unsustainable. I've posted before about my complex body image issues and I'm on the waiting list to see a dietitian through my local hospital. But is there perhaps something about the exercise I'm doing that is making me bulk up? Mostly I favour gentle distance running and a combo of free weights and bodyweight exercises (I've posted my current programme below). A lot of info states "lifting won't make you bulk up unless you eat a surplus" but that's what it seems to have done with me. Even on maintenance calories, I seem to pile on muscle as if from nowhere. So much info on ideal rep ranges seems to focus on the holy trinity of strength/hypertrophy/endurance but lifting for weight loss seems like a secondary byproduct, especially as much of the advice seems aimed at men. I've seen some advice stating you should train for hypertrophy but just eat in deficit, while others recommend high intensity circuits with reps in the 10-12 range. I've recently stumbled across Rachel Attard's blog, which contains some help on this topic and seems to be focussed on this kind of issue, and she recommends reps more the 15-20 range with lighter weights. Meanwhile an advisor at my local gym recommended skipping upper body work altogether and focussing on core and lower body only, but I worry that losing too much muscle in my arms will result in deflated-looking 'bingo wings' instead. And EVERYTHING recommends sticking with the high protein regardless, so that's what I'm doing. What to do with all this conflicting info? Has anyone ever had the same issue, and if so, how did you handle it? Do I need to completely shake up my training schedule? Take up pilates? Any advice would be really welcome. My current workout, for what it's worth, is an 8/10/10/12 high intensity circuit that combos light free weights and bodyweight exercises: Bulgarian split squats w/ 4.5kg dumbbells knee pushups bodyweight rows w/ TRX bodyweight tricep dips glute bridges w/ 4.5kg dumbbell in my lap fantastic fours with 2.3kg dumbells (forward raise, lat raise, bicep curl, overhead press) incline situps Cooldown: hanging leg raise 2x10 seated shoulder rotation 3x15 on each side w/ 2.3kg dumbell side plank 2x 30sec I do this twice a week at the moment, and run twice a week also. I've been doing this reasonably consistently and eating high protein at a small deficit for several weeks now, but I still seem to be getting bigger, not smaller. Not sure if I should modify it, or maybe toss it out and reprogram? Many thanks in advance for any responses!

Hi all - thanks once again for the replies! Going to try and hit a few different things in once post so bear with.... Good points all round. I can go to my GP and see if I can get a referral, although I gather it is quite tricky as they are inundated right now so I might be on a waiting list. I can probably cite "past issues with disordered eating, possibly escalating" and see if that helps. Thank you for sharing your experiences. My own don't overlap entirely but there were certainly similarities. I'm just starting to uncover the damage done during my childhood via extensive therapy, so that's been really enlightening. I hope I can continue to address those messages while maybe getting a little more practical advice from elsewhere. That's a great point about protein shakes v meal replacement shakes in terms of calorie content. And I think it's highlighted the root of my issue because, despite my initial question, I'm realising that the idea of increasing my calorific intake is actually making me twitchy. That's really useful insight, so while it wasn't what I initially came here to ask, this discussion has been an eye opener. Thank you for this middle paragraph - I needed to hear that. 🥰 That OpEd made me giggle! Thank you for that! I think we have a particular phenomenon in the West where we'll adopt something from another culture because of potential health benefits, but paint it as "mystical" or "exotic" in a way that people from that culture probably would not (unless perhaps marketing it to tourists?). My Jamaican colleague gets shipments of a particular ginger tea from home that knocks your socks off and clears your head when you have a cold, and will make mugs of it for us through winter, but she's very practical about it and never claims that it's magical or delicious, just that it helps with a sniffle. I like your approach!! 😆 I must admit, my hangup over cheese mostly comes from the NF guide to portion sizes where it advises that the "fat" portion of a meal should be the size of your thumb, and then I look at the MOUNTAIN of cheese I like to have on things like Spag Bol and Tacos etc and think "whelp, thats WAY more than a thumb!" because quite frankly if I try to have less, I can't taste the cheese at all, and then it's just not enjoyable! Even without the rant, I fully endorse this point. I must admit, I think I did rather well because, even when actively calorie counting and consciously trying to lose weight, I did not veto anything. I still had cookies and ice cream periodically, and I counted those calories/carbs and did not feel guilty about it. I just made sure I was only having those things as part of a conscious choice and not as part of mindless, joyless snacking because it was easier than making a sandwich. Also not an expert (nor actually diagnosed) but this makes sense based on the reading I am doing. I tend to absorb information like a sponge, and as I learn more about a topic, including the SHOULDs and SHOULDN'Ts of a particular practice, I feel a pressing need to incorporate ALL THE THINGS I KNOW into everything I do. This gets very interesting when there are actually differing schools of thought, and I can end up in a state of paralysis worrying about which one is "right". So, with something like this, if I read something like "the correct portion size for fat is the size of your thumb" (see above) or "when you stop eating carbs, you drop water weight", my brain goes "I ate a piece of cheese bigger than my thumb so that was WRONG" and "if I eat carbs I will gain water again and hate my body". Ooooh this is a very good question! And so very hard to answer. Honestly? Right now I feel pretty crappy, but far less crappy than during my last phase of living off cake and cookies. In October, I crashed out utterly and sat on the couch for a month eating cake - when I finally hauled myself out for a run I felt worlds better, and when I knocked the cake on the head I had more energy. I do still feel tired a lot, but I think it is more lethargy than actual energy shortage. My country is in lockdown, the weather is lousy, my park is essentially a mud bath, and I am working from home in an office that doubles as a store room. I'm handling my post-workout recovery pretty well - I always make sure I eat well after a workout and get lots of protein for the 48 hour period after, and I never weight train for 2 days in a row. I am only exercising about half as often as I normally would because getting the motivation to do my bodyweight HIIT routine in my bedroom is a bit hit-and-miss (HIIT-and-miss? Lol!) and running is miserable at this time of year. I felt better still when I was eating a little more, doing a little more, and having porridge for breakfast and salads for lunch. I've switched back to the former these past 2 days - this might help. Long term progress? That's so hard to tell! I really don't see it much, but I'm told it's there. I do agonise over my shape still, and it's hard to measure that as my weight and dimensions have remained the same (give or take a few lbs) for years, but people tell me I look different. I have simultaneously been told that I have both "lost weight" (in a good way) and "filled out" (also in a good way) - so I guess I gained muscle but lost fat and the scales remained the same? My shoulders are now 2 inches bigger than my hips. I stand taller and my posture is transformed. I feel more steady in my body, more flexible, and more forgiving of the things I CAN'T do. I'm able to pinpoint things I'd like to improve, devise my own workouts to hone those skills, and persevere through the initial challenge of learning something new (wobbling my way through one-legged squats like a drunk flamingo, and dropping off the bar every 5 seconds because I needed to train my grip before I could even start attempting a scapular retraction). My fitness instructor has referred to me as "one of the most dedicated women I've ever trained" and I think that's a shining achievement that I continue to build on. Thank you for your kind words. I think it helps to put these things into perspective. -- This has been a really enlightening array of feedback for me. I realise now that the question I was originally asking was a mask for other subconscious drivers - it's like I don't want to want to lose weight, so I'm trying to kid myself that I'm not trying, but actually I'm more restrictive than when I was counting calories!! When I was counting, I would see that I had an extra allowance on my app and would go grab a snack so as not to fall into too great a deficit (because crash dieting = bad) but I think right now I'm kidding myself by trying to pretend that not counting calories = not wanting to get thinner. I accepted some years ago that I would never be slender and willowy, but I could perhaps aim for Amazonian, and I managed my eating accordingly. But the desire never went completely, and I suspect my month of cake and couch has knocked me backwards somewhat. Lockdown 2 hit us both hard, so while I was lying on the couch feeling rotten, Foodie Housemate was stress-baking, and the kitchen was slowly filling up with cakes and bread-rolls. My usual balanced approach of "no food is off limits, but all food is a conscious, mindful choice" fell apart. I didn't WANT the cake - not to eat, not in the house - but it appeared regardless and relentless, and I wasn't able to NOT eat it. This is the first time that I have experienced actual distress over my own eating habits. Despite my struggles with food, I have not really done the "restrict-binge-SHAME" cycle before so I think this has intensified body image issues, but on a deeper level than I was previously aware of. My body image before may not have been great, but a month of feeling completely out of control made it come to a head in a way I have only just come to realise. Eating disorder/body image talk under the cut: Thank you all for giving me the space to work this out. I appreciate that this is an emotional topic for many and I'm really touched that some of you felt safe to share your experiences with me. Your kindness and advice has been invaluable. My actions from here: I will seek an appointment with my GP to discuss referral for autism diagnosis and to a dietician. I'm going to order the Intuitive Eating book as recommended by @Tanktimus the Encourager even if it's purely for the Eating Disorders section at this point. I will continue to explore my issues with my therapist. I'm actually going to resume calorie counting - it may seem counter productive, but if my subconscious is going to self-destructive places, I think being more conscious over what I'm eating might help me to make better choices and stop my habits from being hijacked by my brain weasels. This seemed to work better and made me feel more accountable for making healthy choices for myself. I ate a more substantial and more varied diet for those 6 months, so I think it would be beneficial to return to that. Once again, thank you all so much for your advice and for sharing your experiences.

Thank you all for taking time to reply! I had a busy day yesterday and I saw the replies coming in - I wanted to sit down in the morning to respond and then when I woke up there were even more, so thank you! 🥰 Ooh, can I ask which book that is? I found a few but would be interested in reading that one chapter to see if I can utilise any tips. I have gone through phases of logging food, but it is tricky as counting calories makes me want to restrict so my tracking apps and I have a delicate relationship! Generally I seem to be clocking in between 1400 and 1800 kcal when I do log food, but there might be some items I calculate wrong because home cooking. I consulted with the resident foodie and our meals are usually either made with butter or olive oil depending on the cooking temperature. It's hard to account for how much, but yeah, I'm not really aiming to restrict at the moment. I'm glad I'm not the only one who baulks at healthy recipes! I'm getting a lot of ads for a diet app at the moment that show what seems to be a chickpea and salad sandwich made with BEETROOT instead of bread and the sight of it makes me gag! Even as a low carb person, I enjoy my wholewheat, seeded sandwiches and homemade rolls! I stand in solidarity with you and your rice! I can definitely use this! Work days are trickier because I have to work around different obligations, but I only work part time. I try to wake up super early so I can gradually come around to the idea of food (I can never eat immediately after waking up) so a set 'mealtime' might stop me from spending four hours on "coffee and reading" before suddenly going "oh, I need to work now and I haven't had breakfast" or, even worse, "oh no it's the afternoon and I'm about to fall down from lack of food!" I had contemplating consulting a dietician, but it feels like vanity and selfishness to use up the valuable time of a public health professional when I already know so many of the basics and I'm really in excellent health all round, according to my doctor, and others are in far greater need. Interestingly, I often get annoyed by the opposite - people talking about how delicious and amazing something is and how it is also so so healthy because so often I'll try it and find it really unpleasant. I have a few hippie friends who are obsessed with things like golden milk and a homemade ginger and lemon drink in carbonated water and they serve these things out like they're giving you the nectar of the gods. I wind up sitting there thinking "ok.... I think I can choke this down out of politeness if I try" while everyone else oohs and ahhs over what a delightful sensory experience they're having. Makes me wonder if it's just me, or if the Emperor really has no clothes and everyone is being polite! But I think you're right that I probably write off a lot of things I DO like as "unhealthy" for some reason or another simply BECAUSE I enjoy the taste of them! I make a pretty amazing Bolognese with about seven different vegetables in it, and I LOVE it, but then jerkbrain sits there and goes "yeah but you used puree and tinned tomatoes and you put a load of cheese on it, so now you ruined it..." like the cheese somehow 'cancels out' all the veg and protein. And I do like pasta. I can take or leave rice, but of all the carbs I love pasta the most. It will be a cold day in hell before I give up spaghetti and noodles. My relationship with food and body image is... complex. On one hand, I don't tend to foster feelings of guilt around food - it was pizza night last night, and I have no bad feelings over my dinner of gooey, cheesy bread and pepperoni - but I do have issues with my body. I will oscillate wildly between flexing in front of the mirror and thinking "yeah I look great!" or slouching sullenly and agonising over the fact that my tummy sticks out and I have chubby thighs etc etc. And then I will, in a generalised sort of way, start cutting back a little more, watching what I'm eating, saying "no" to the office biscuits. And I don't think the cutting back is ALL bad because I can go through phases where I eat a LOT of junk food, but it tends to come from a place of self-criticism. And the odd thing is, I don't think my actual shape even has that much of a bearing on how I feel about my body at any given time. It can literally only take a few days for me to go from one state to the other, and aside from maybe varying levels of water, I can't imagine there's really that much difference! So I can only assume my assessment of my body is not actually grounded in reality. I am beginning to explore my body image issues in therapy. I had never really given it much thought but there was a lot of body shaming and toxicity in my household growing up. I only recently began to acknowledge how damaging it was as my parents were always "only joking" and whenever I started to internalise the comments I got, I would immediately get reassurance that "there's nothing wrong with you!" accompanied by a lot of hand wringing over why I wasn't eating. Hopefully this process will help, but I feel you over having those complicated feelings. So much of this stuff is embedded in culture and that "giving yourself a break" part is so hard. *hugs* I had considered these, and sometimes wonder if I might wind up trying it if I lived alone, as I have a complete inability to look at ingredients in a fridge/cabinet and mentally combine them to figure out what I can make. The ones I looked at were prohibitively expensive (I'm basically on poverty wages) but we have a system that comes very close to this, whereby we plan the main meal for each day at the start of the week, buy the required fresh ingredients, and stick to the plan. When I do have a more substantial breakfast or lunch, I generally have a small selection of regular things so I do the same and buy the required ingredients. My problem at the moment is that I'm buying them and then thinking "but I don't really feel like eating that..." and so the salad sits in the fridge and rots. I'm hoping this might change by the spring. I don't really tend to do cereal, partly because my brain classifies it as "empty carbs, too much sugar, no nutritional value" but also because Foodie BFF LOVES cereal and will eat the whole box in a day, sometimes before I even get the chance to have any. However, I am partial to porridge in the mornings with a banana. The bars might be great for a snack on the go, through, as I struggle with energy slumps during the day at times when I don't always have the ability to grab lunch. This is super helpful and we are gradually starting to do bigger batches so as to have more leftovers, but we're kind of limited by the size of the pan/pot. We've never managed 10 portions, but sometimes we'll get 4-6 out of a single cooking session. If I try and classify it as "I am batch cooking for the future" I won't do it, but if I am cooking dinner for tonight and just make more so that there are leftovers, then that I can deal with. (I also have a cheat thing where I buy a batch of microwave curry and box it up with some cauliflower rice to go in the freezer and take to work.) I do sometimes have them for lunch, but it trips something in my brain that says "TWO main meals in ONE day?! That's way too much food!" and yeah, the more I think on this the more I wonder if I am subconsciously restricting calories without counting them... 😅 I feel for you - lockdown has played havoc with so many peoples' habits and it sounds like you've had a lot of crap happen all at once. I could SO easily slip into Pringles for lunch! When I first tried living alone, I once had a run of 3 days where I ate nothing but chocolate cake - just bought this big 'ol catering size chocolate fudge cake and warmed up a slice in the microwave for breakfast, lunch and dinner and maybe an extra one before bed. I tell it as a funny story, but it also terrifies me that I really just did NOT know how to manage food without external structures, and how easily I slip back if something changes. I can sometimes beat myself up for my inability to just eat "normally" like a proper grown up (I use that word "lazy" on myself too) but I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it's actually just HARD for me (and it sounds like it is for you, too). In between general food hangups, not registering my body's signals, and the executive dysfunction around choosing and preparing meals, I've started trying to treat it as a learning difficulty, and switch to a compassionate narrative rather than a critical one. But sometimes I really do just want to throw my hands up because I just want it to be EASIER and that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon. I hope things pick up for you soon, and you get to enjoy your steak! Thank you all once again for your comments - I seem to have written an essay but wanted to respond directly to some of the points. I probably missed a few important bits though! This has been really helpful as I think I have realised I may be subconsciously restricting, partly in terms of calories but definitely in terms of macros, so this is real food for thought, no pun intended.

I was wondering if anyone could offer some perspective on some things. CW: disordered eating I have real difficulty around food, possibly to the point of disordered or pathological. After years of struggling, I have come to realise I have complete mental blocks around meals, in terms of appetite and planning. There is a possibility I have autism, as I have sensory issues with food (I find some tastes and textures really quite repulsive, and I'm very inflexible with meals) and a lack of awareness of hunger, but while I've been advised to pursue a diagnosis, it's hard to get any non-essential medical appointments right now because plague. The issues are layered and multiple: I don't "feel hungry" often. I might feel hungry, but am so engrossed in what I'm doing I ignore it or don't notice until I'm in pain. I want to eat, but feel sick, and the idea of food makes me queasy. I want to eat, but can't think of anything TO eat, and so I don't bother. I try to prepare food, but hate the amount of work involve and don't really want it once it's done. I don't actually LIKE eating much, unless it's junk, and hate cooking even more, and so need meals put in front of me in the moment, or have to force myself to eat. Years ago, there were times when I literally survived on junk food alone. If I was a bit better, I had maybe 5 different things I would eat (cornflakes for breakfast, pre-packaged prawn salad for lunch, and a choice of 3 pre-packaged/microwave meals for dinner that I rotated). I generally ate like this for around 2 years or so with little deviation. Plus a lot of junk. I've improved, but still struggle with"good eating habits" in the long term due to executive dysfunction in the planning/selection process. I found a couple of low-effort salads, so I have those for lunch with fresh ingredients. I also live with a "foodie" who makes dinner, and I'm pretty content to eat what's put in front of me. They're probably not OUTSTANDINGLY healthy, but they are fresh, homemade and we're increasing veg intake by smuggling in more vegetables, but may be a bit high in fat as we like oily sauces. But while I will switch up to a balanced diet for several months, after a while I just find it mentally exhausting and I lapse back to a period where I just want to eat cookies and cake and nothing else. I'm not being overly restrictive - I let myself have nice things in moderation, so I don't feel deprived - I just don't enjoy proper food, find meals exhausting, and would rather just snack: if given a choice of "I eat properly or not at all!" I will often default to "not at all". So much of the info about healthy eating is about "eating things that make you feel fuller for longer" but the truth is I don't really eat to feel full - I eat something if I like the taste of it, and stop when it runs out or I consciously tell myself "that's enough". If that's not an option, I'd often rather not eat. I have to force myself sometimes, even if its something I sort of like, and that's what wears me down: it's not about missing out on the treats I like (I'm having them periodically anyway): it's the sheer mental effort of having to choose, prepare and consume something in an appropriate timeframe that hits my nutritional goals, and it never gets any easierhabit. I can do it for months, but still, over time, my brain is screaming "I just don't want to have to do this anymore!" My current compromise is this, and a REALLY don't know if it's a good one: I am using protein shakes as meal substitutes. I can't face salads in the dead of winter, and I'm pretty terrible at breakfast foods. According to all the info on here, I need to eat about 100-140g of protein a day, which is far too much for me to even contemplate how to eat that in terms of real food, so I have a double scoop whey shake in almond milk twice a day. My current diet looks like this: Breakfast: Protein shake Snack: Apple Lunch: Protein shake Snack: Orange Dinner: Whatever we're having, usually pretty healthy, freshly prepared, trying to smuggle more veg in too. Occasionally we have a pizza day or takeout as a treat. Dessert: Skyr icelandic yoghurt (no fat, low sugar, 81kcal, 14g protein). Plus I drink a lot of coffee. We have decaf, and I'm currently switching it out for peppermint tea, but you will prize my Pepsi Max from my cold dead hands. No sugary sodas. We've stopped buying junk food at all now, so there is only cake or cookies in the house if we decide to bake, which has stopped any mindless snacking. One or two nights a week I will have a beer. I don't really count calories right now, I just try and keep the protein up and the carbs down as they make me bloated and sluggish. Despite my weird habits, my weight is pretty consistent around the 70kg mark, and I've built up a lot of muscle over the years. I tried to "lean down" in the summer, and I averaged an 800 daily calorie deficit for about 6 months, eating a lot of tuna salads, protein shakes, chicken curries, and boiled egg with spinach, but I only lost about 8lbs. I can't tell if that was because I needed to eat more, or less, or if I was miscalculating drastically. (I was weighing my food and scanning everything, but it's hard to know exactly what's going into some of the sauces so I have to guess.) I feel I should be eating more but I would have to force myself, and I don't really know WHAT I would eat if I tried. I read up a lot on "intuitive eating" and it's a goal, sure, but I have no intuition to eat at all a lot of the time. I look at 'healthy recipes' online sometimes, but my reaction is usually "that looks disgusting" and eating them would feel more like an endurance challenge. Those "200 calories of raw carrot vs 200 calories of gummy bears" images make me laugh because I don't think I could physically force myself to crunch through 200 calories of raw carrots. Skipping food entirely would be the more attractive option. Sorry for the ramble. Anyway, do I need to be worried about this? Does anyone else have this problem? Is my diet a terrible? I understand "meal replacement shakes" are usually a pretty drastic weight loss thing, but I'm not losing weight, nor am I really trying to any more, so my metabolism might be low. We are in the habit of batch cooking main meals and freezing/refrigerating them to have later, but that still leaves me with breakfasts and lunches. If anyone has any ideas for high protein/low carb breakfast/lunch foods that involve bare minimal prep, I'd really appreciate some suggestions on things I could try!

You mentioned these in your original post, but I'm a big fan of one legged deadlifts. I do these with a single dumbell on the side of the rising leg to add a little extra weight. I too am working out at home with nothing but some lightweight dumbells and a few other bits, so I've found that for large muscle groups like legs, it's helpful to do one leg at a time to really work the muscles. It's been good for balance, too. Here's Staci of NF demonstrating the bodyweight version:

I'm late to the party, but meet , Dylan (tabby and white), Felix (black and white next to Dylan), Fred (black and white solo, Felix's sister), Florence (black), and Xena (tortie).

I used to hate deadlifts! When I first started, my hands were too weak to hold onto the bar for the duration of my sets. I'd lift so little I could hardly feel it in my legs, but I'd be straining to hold onto the bar and just hoping my hands didn't give out. I don't mind them so much now I've trained my grip, but it's still not a motion that comes naturally to me. I spent a week doing deadlifts with practically straight legs and nearly did my back in before I googled the correct form - I felt like such a wally! If you want to master them but worry about form, it might be helpful to get someone to check your form and correct you. Once you get the "feel" for the correct motion, repeating it a few times should cement it and then you can build on strength once you've mastered technique. I know how debilitating it can be - I have a perfectionist/competitive streak, and so learning a new exercise and feeling like I'm "bad" at it makes me want to quit - but sometimes it can take a few days or even weeks to NOT feel like an awkward oaf when we try something new . Sincerely, somebody who literally fell on her butt at the gym trying to do one legged squats. In front of people!! 😬 Or, alternatively, find another lower body exercise! As the others have said, there is no requirement that you do deadlifts if you don't like them. I used leg press machines almost exclusively for the first 2 years and only recently switched to squats and deadlifts because I wanted to engage my core (also lockdown meant I no longer had access to machines and had to get inventive with bodyweight workouts in my bedroom). So if you've been doing it for a while and you don't like it, here's some alternatives: Squats Leg press Lunges Split squats Barbell hip thrusts Leg extensions

Gosh, this seems so long ago now, but I felt I owed you lovely supportive people an update: I did go back to the gym... after a fashion. My country actually went into lockdown (again) shortly after this happened, so I had a LOT of time to dwell on my insecurities and brain demons. It actually became the focus of my therapy and I was able to explore where my anxieties were coming from, and gradually the shame began to dissipate. When lockdown ended, I went back feeling moderately ok about the whole situation and went back. As it happens, on my first day back, Cute Gym Guy came strolling over to chat to me like nothing had happened, asking how I'd been over Lockdown 2 etc. He was cheery and friendly and seemed to have no memory of the "offence" I thought I had caused! So... I guess that's all okay. We're now back in lockdown so no further developments, naturally, but I'm continuing to work on myself and my self esteem, and beginning to vanquish my brain weasels one by one! Thank you all once again for your kindness - it seems a silly situation to get worked up over at my age, but it's helped immensely to be able to share with a few kind strangers.

I use My Fitness Pal and Fitbit. If you're logging food, too, MFP has more options around macros, or it did when I started using it. I use Fitbit to log exercise and steps, and MFP to log food and weight and then get the two apps to synch with one another. I used to log weight AND body fat %, but I found the machine at my gym was notoriously unreliable and didn't seem to coincide with my habits or changes in my body, so I stopped using it. Now I just step on the scales every now and then. I did buy some cheap callipers from MyProtein a few months back, but not sure if I want to get into that level of self critique. Has anybody has any experiences with those things? I find it can be really helpful to log food, even if just to get an idea of what you are eating over a day and what kind of nutrients you're getting. I'm a snacker, too, so a big part of changing my habits was swapping out cookies and chocolate for fruit and icelandic yoghurt. I have a sweet tooth and you will prise sweet snacks from my cold dead fingers, but having a big stack of apples and clementines on the table and some little pots of Skyr in the fridge means I don't miss the chocolate all that much! If you're going to start saying "no" to certain foods more, I think it helps to have plenty of "yes!" options to balance it out.

My current fave is an 80s playlist of workout songs: I find 80s music uplifting and energising - 'Gloria' is my morning alarm because it makes me jump out of bed and want to move! I don't always listen to music while working out - I don't mind a quiet run with just the sounds of nature - but particularly when I'm just working through a HIIT routine in my bedroom (thank you, lockdown) a bit of music helps make it feel less depressing. Although I sometimes forget what I'm doing and wind up just dancing about the room to one of my favourite tracks (looking at YOU, I Think We're Alone Now...)

Thank you. I'm feeling way better now, had my day or two of feeling sorry for myself and now got much better perspective. The whole thing was a significant step out of my comfort zone but I can acknowledge that even talking to him was an achievement as I'm usually a total wallflower, so go me I guess! I'm not sure. I've spoken to a couple of friends and one theory is that he was just having a bad day, and another was that I'm letting my general shyness warp my perception (ie that he was just finishing up in a bit of a hurry and meant it in more of an offhand, "I'm just off out the door, but ha! I know what you mean!" kind of way.) It's really hard to tell as I was pretty hyped up on adrenaline so wasn't thinking clearly. Then my jerkbrain kicked in, hence why I ended up high tailing it out of there thinking I'd embarrassed myself in spectacular style. So who knows? If I'm brave, I might go back and see what the deal is. He might well chat to me like nothing has happened? There's really no way to tell because my nerves were playing havoc over the whole thing, and right now my instinct is to AVOID like the big scaredy wimp I am!

Hi guys, Thank you all so much for your support. I felt I owed you all an update. 2 weeks ago I had an amazing day - we spoke at length on 2 occasions in the same visit, once when I just arrived (I found out his name, and we talked about our respective pets and some of our interests - he said he'd seen me photographing the surrounding wildlife near the gym, omg he noticed me!) and again when I was waiting to use a machine he was on. He actually stopped what he was doing to take me aside and show me some flexibility exercises for my bad shoulder, and then apologised for 'boring' me (seems to be a theme of his). So I figured I was onto a good thing. I decided to use this to boost my confidence and was determined next time we spoke I would ask him out or ask for his number. Well, I didn't really speak to him over the next 2 weeks (waved to him once across the gym, but no opportunity to chat, and a quick hi in passing outside over the weekend) but yesterday he was there again so I tried to go chat. Again, same as last time, I was gonna jump on a machine after him and I cracked a joke about how I keep coming and kicking him off the machines. I immediately felt a bit dumb for that and apologised because I felt it might have come across as rude (I know I can be overly familiar with people once I feel I have a rapport going) and, well, he just replied "yeah, pretty much" and walked away. It felt like a bit of a gut punch and I think I garbled something out about how I was trying to be funny, but he ignored me and left, giving off distinct "don't bother me" or "I'm mad at you" vibes. I could be reading it wrong I guess? I wish I had better news to report. I'm really feeling at something of a loss as to how to handle this. I feel like I want to apologise one last time, as I was clearly being over familiar and totally misplaced my sense of humour there, but I think I might just make things worse by attempting to explain my innate weirdness ("I'm anxious around new people and I make dumb self-depreciative jokes" - it's not exactly an attractive quality). I'm pretty devastated still. I did a huge amount of psychological prepping to get to this stage and now I feel like I fell at the second-to-last hurdle and will never know if I was in with a shot. I'm mourning the loss of a possibility of something, which is a strange place to be in, but after all the work I did to get here it is sort of a big deal, I suppose. Just trying to be kind to myself and keep the anxious thoughts at bay. So that's that. Thank you guys again for all your support. Just sorry I couldn't come back with a happy ending here. And now our area looks to be going into a second lockdown so I doubt I'll get a chance to make amends after this humiliating debacle. But that's life I guess? 😕

Sure thing! The nearest thing I do to a convention these days is the Xena-themed retreat in California. This has been disrupted by covid already, and 2 of the recent fires have also come very close to the camp where the retreat is held, so who knows what the future holds? Hopefully there will be a chance to go back. Somewhere there is video footage of me dressed as Gabrielle and doing a board break, complete with battle cry! If I ever get around to any further projects, I'll be sure to post photos!

That's very cool!!! My convention days are long behind me but I occasionally still cosplay and do a photo shoot for the lols. I had contemplated attempting a selection of "femme-Cap" costumes - ww2 Cap with the brown leather jacket, a feminised variant of his USO costume (sort of a blend of Cap's "tights" look and the dancing girls') and maybe his gym gear in Avengers and recreate the boxing scene, if I could find an appropriate location. And, yknow, get buff enough! You probably can't see too well, but my shirt in my profile picture reads "Steve Rogers Running Team" and has half the shield with the caption "on your left" underneath it. 😁 So yes, feeling the Cap vibes! *high five* If the apocalypse permits you to complete your cosplay, do share pictures!!

Thanks guys! I'm really enjoying it - it's a totally different experience. I got up to pressing twice my body weight on the leg press machine for 1 rep (I did a pyramid workout last year to see what I could do) but it's a whole different exercise when you're not sat in a chair isolating the leg muscles. I've found it's really hit my core in a way that resistance machines + ab workouts never did - my planks have gotten easier, and my waist seems more defined (I am in calorie deficit atm, but I've never really felt 'lean' before). I'm finding all those little variations that can make a difference in terms of how your body works, so I'm using those to tweak things. For eg, I was out walking with some friends a few weeks ago and my friend stepped up onto a thigh-high tree trunk effortlessly, but when I tried to follow her I couldn't do it. Turns out, I have weak hip flexors. So I read that if you keep your lower legs more upright when squatting and your knees no further forward than your toes (stick your butt out more, I guess?) you lift more from the hips and glutes than the quads. Apparently? So I'm working on that so I too can climb on tree trunks! I'm looking into stuff like back back extensions and glute bridges with the barbell - the latter partly because I saw this video of Brie Larson and figured this is what living the dream looks like! There's a whole bunch of other stuff too. I updated my Quests on NF last week to include some of my new achievements, and there were so many unique barbell exercises listed in the Warrior category! Looks fun!

It all proved rather academic because I didn't see him all weekend! 🙁 So I have another week of practicing in front of the mirror and tackling my insecurities. But thank you! I'll let you know if anything vaguely positive comes out of all this. I am sure he will be very kind either way, and it will probably be a good exercise in confidence for me! PS: I love your shirt @N0rdicNinja - I'm a Marvel nerd and that made me smile!

This is reassuring. I'll try and channel my courage next time I see him, if anything just to stop the exhausting cycle of anticipation, nerves, and self doubt! I do love that Tim Minchin song, as much as it doesn't really apply to me. It would seem my attraction to people is vanishingly rare, so rather than focus on the idea of someone else, I prefer to reassure myself that I have wonderful close friendships and have managed to build a life where I feel truly happy in my circumstances. Any additional romance is sheer bonus, not something I have to stake my happiness on. But, hey, end result is the same - feels like a lower stakes operation. Thanks guys, I feel like slightly less of a fool now!