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About Devout_Haruhiist

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  1. Wow, these challenges really end fast. I don't really have a lot to report on this one. I might try yet again and try to get it "right" next time. Honestly I have a lot of difficulty socializing online. I never really developed the skill to talk to random people on forums very consistently and don't have social media experience, which is odd for my generation I guess. I think I did a good job at least with the gym part during this challenge period. I was able to go consistently, got a bit stronger, and generally felt a little less body comparison thoughts (though there were still some in the context of fetish related stuff). My weight went up in the middle of the challenge to like 132 but dropped down again to like 130. I am having trouble being consistent about eating. Like 2 days a week I might eat enough but as the week goes on I slip. Finances are still bad but not any worse, I guess. I am slowly learning to spend a bit less money. As for dating and other psychological stuff I have been wavering towards kind of giving up on dating for awhile. Honestly I am kind of bored of it, on a surface level, and on a deeper level I don't think it has served me well.
  2. Sorry, I should have clarified. My paycheck upcoming is mostly taken by rent and another loan payment I have coming up not counted in the 700 I mentioned. EDIT: And one more thing I should probably mention. One of my self development/level up life goals is to get a job I am more passionate about. Needless to say almost all of those would, at least at the start, be much less pay (probably like 20% cut) than what I am making now. So I am left with this struggle where I am depressed because I have all this debt but paying it will take so much time at my current pace (with cutting expenses) that I probably won't be able to change careers to another line of work as easily (or maybe at all).
  3. I feel like I am posting updates more and more sparsely. 1. As far as fitness I think I have been doing well. I have been working harder in my workouts, think I am getting stronger, and have not had as many negative thoughts about my body recently. 2. Food I had some slight improvement, with maybe 2-3 days getting enough calories rather than 0 days per week. I still think this is an area that is holding me back a little bit. 3. Psyche- This has not been as bad as in the past. I have become less attached, for better or worse, to the concept of dating. Had a couple dates that led to planned 2nd dates. One happened and was mediocre while the other one I got ghosted/stood up. I am not sure if it is a good or bad sign but I am finding myself not caring as much about finding companionship anymore. I think I just got tired. As far as other things I have still been up and down but mood has been alright. Only other concern was fetish addiction stuff which I felt like I was making a tiny bit of progress on a month ago and now have basically not done anything with it. 4. Finances- This continues to be the worst area. I realized I owe maybe $700 in minimum payments in the next two weeks with no real way to raise the money other than selling stuff on ebay. I am doing that but it is a slow process. As with my earlier post here, as well as many other communications I sent out, I took advice I read about asking friends/family/etc. (my support network, small as it is) about ideas to make more money but honestly the responses have been basically non-existent or confused in many cases. I have done some looking on my own for stuff in the area but not found anything yet, given I already work a full time job (often with extra hours). There could still be more done with cost cutting but I am having trouble with that too. Especially since it doesn't help me raise any capital in the short term (i.e., even if I cut all my costs today to $0 I am not going to get that $700 I mentioned).
  4. Good point, Harriet. I have cut down expenses somewhat by cancelling some subscriptions including things like Amazon Prime and generally cutting back on buying games and fetish related stuff pretty significantly (from 100s of dollars a month to probably like 100 a month). I agree there is a lot more to be done with that though and I am probably not cutting as aggressively as I thought. That said, I was still interested in trying to make more money as it would allow me to get the feeling of paying things faster. I am also noticing that I am not really getting ahead on things like credit cards. Plus, depending on the job I was hoping it might lead to other benefits in future career stuff, hence why I was looking at something like writing rather than being an uber driver (which I would be terrible at) or something.
  5. Thought I would give an update. I will try to structure it more to what was in my original post. Fitness and Food So far this past weekend and this week I have done pretty well with this. My trainer changed up my program after the aforementioned testing and I feel like I am doing a decent amount physically. I have been able to get slightly more calories each day so maybe I will gain back the 3 lbs I lost. Feeling relatively good about my exercises and other physical pursuits. Psyche This has been up and down, like usual. I had a few somewhat successful and fun first dates with some potentially leading to a second date. On the other hand I still have a lot of doubts about the whole romantic pursuit thing which range from more "superficial" things like whether I will find someone who is really attractive to me who feels the same way, self-judgment for having that superficial thought and deeper consistent concerns about whether I have the emotional depth to even care about another person (and the thought that this is just another validation game for me). Still struggling with career stuff but it hasn't been a big focus of my thoughts, to be honest. Finances Still really bad and in the paycheck to paycheck mindset. I did put up more stuff on ebay to sell but not a lot of it is moving. I also explored some options for making more money, and thought about freelance writing or editing (since writing and editing is a part of my job and I have contributed to one website for no pay), but got discouraged when I saw how crowded and byzantine the field was. I further explored it by asking people I know or work with if they needed services in that vein but they all declined; thought that might be a way to build up a portfolio. Still kind of stumped as to how I will make more money given my limited time outside of work. I pretty much know most of my paycheck tomorrow is accounted for in bills, payments, etc. and leave a bit aside for food.
  6. A few updates to post for today. I had a very pleasant date last night with a woman I met from a dating app. Might see her again but not sure yet. I think we have a fair amount in common aside from very different life experience (I have never been in a relationship and she is previously divorced) but we'll see. I would say I was intrigued and enjoyed the conversation, found her attractive but maybe not to an extreme point (which is probably good so I won't become overly invested). Still looking at options for the Debt Management Plan. Still a lot of shame and despair around it but I think I have started to convince myself that I am going to have to pay either way. I am also looking into ways to make more money which is difficult and seems to clash with my other "self-improvement" efforts that are making my schedule busier than it has ever been. I would love some suggestions for weekend work I can do to make some extra money (bearing in my I am more of a writing and math type than labor type). I did look into Nanowrimo, thanks for that suggestion, but unfortunately the chapter here in my city seems to have died. I also joined a bookclub on Meetup but the group oddly was deleted a few days later. I would like more ideas for (free) things that I can do to meet more people, if any. That said I've always felt awkward about doing things I have no interest in just to meet people, it seems disingenuous to me. As far as fitness, finally got my 1RM tested with my trainer. I think things are pretty much where I expected, some were slightly higher than I expected and others were not. It felt like a good exercise overall even though now that I know the numbers I have to strain myself to not make comparisons to others I have seen. I debated about posting them on here, I might still at some point to track where I end up next time I test them.
  7. Wow Harriet, it sounds like you are making good progress (I just read through your thread, the title sounds like a level out of Cuphead lol). Funny you mentioned Tawkwondo, I just started trying that myself at a new school that opened near me! I liked it because it was very empty. I think I am the only adult student which is cool in a sense but also awkward since most of the other people are half my age. I hope you are getting a lot out of it!
  8. Today I had a couple of things happen/did a few things. 1. Regarding finances, I had a long call with a credit counseling service. I had constant pangs of shame and hopelessness but I got their offer for debt management (the service is recommended by my company btw) to consolidate some of my unsecured debt. I have not pulled the trigger yet but seriously considering it. Just a bit scared. 2. I matched with a woman on OKCupid I thought was an amazing match. We had a very candid conversation, she was a fit nerd, and sounded really kind and thoughtful. When we proceeded to me asking for date she told me she was not comfortable dating someone who had never been in a relationship before (at 30) (this is something present in OKCupid's questions) but might want to be friends. I expressed openly my lack of confidence in being able to maintain female friendship but we exchanged numbers anyway, so maybe I will be a friend idk. I honestly have a lot of trouble with the concept as weird or retrograde as that may make me sound. Did ok eating yesterday and ok today. Going to try and keep that up this week (if I can afford it). I have a date tomorrow that seems like it could be promising, but still also kind of anxious and depressed about the weight and muscle loss I mentioned above with weight becoming something I am self conscious about in addition to height now.
  9. Yeah, I tried to eat more yesterday which went ok but idk how to sustain it. It feels really bad trying hard in the gym and actually losing weight and muscle size. But I guess not bad enough for me to change my habits significantly?
  10. Yesterday I ended up with a pretty mixed day. As far as fitness/nutrition: I met with my trainer at 5pm and had a work out. Whereas on Saturday I felt I really pushed myself I did not feel that way Sunday. Part of it was we did our progress check in/measurements and the like and found that I have lost 3 lbs since we started and like .25" in a lot of muscle groups, which is basically the exact opposite of what I wanted. Though as noted before it's not shocking since I don't eat enough, just makes me wonder if I am wasting my time (especially with me becoming more self-conscious about my weight as it pertains to dating, as previously discussed) As far as finances I am probably at a new low. Despite all my problems before I never had a time where I couldn't at least make a minimum payment on my credit card and now I have a $400 payment at the end of the week and no way to pay it. I have been selling stuff but it's slow going and not ultimately solving anything. The only idea I had is that maybe this will force me into a debt management plan but I am kind of scared to do that (some shame too, as always). Still feeling like my career, despite paying well, is a complete dead end but I have not done well at taking good advice I got from people in other industries to make a change and am too poor to do so. Probably by the time I pay my debt I won't as realistically be able to change careers due to the growing knowledge gap I will have. I have a math degree but am kind of tired of using it, but feel boxed in to stupid analyst careers because of my degree. I have no idea what I would do though. I frantically (?) perused my dating sites and apps on Sunday and sent out a lot of introductions. Some did stick and I am working on setting up some dates, which could be ok, though I have become increasingly more wary. I am still doing research into places to meet more people organically but might be too paralyzed by being unsure around women and how I relate to them to actually take a big step either way. I tried to lay out some goals for myself this week but feel the stress from the finance stuff is bleeding into the other areas. All that said I'm sure those on here are probably frustrated because people have given me really good advice, I am just not taking it I guess. I feel like I am just too far gone in that area sometimes.
  11. Hi there! I think it is a mix of things. One is a lack of appetite, for sure. Even after working out, etc. I just don't feel hungry. Also the time commitment I think bothers me and I rarely just sit and eat, I am almost always doing something else. A lot of times due to business or playing games or something I end up messing up my eating schedule too. And lastly even when I do get hungry and get a plate of food, after I eat maybe a quarter of it I start feeling full, so I never finish anything (and oddly enough this seems to scale with the portion too, I had heard about serving smaller portion sizes so that I can finish them but it seems to always be in proportion to whatever food I have in front of me).
  12. All the above said I did actually do very well at my workout yesterday. My trainer set up a kind of different circuit-type thing for time (different from the usual stuff we do) and I did a good job pushing myself for lower times despite me not usually liking feeling "rushed" and the 97 degree heat here.
  13. Hi Harriet, Thanks again for the detailed and compassionate reply (I am male btw, sorry for not making it clearer). I agree that part of the issue for me is definitely that I am limiting things to online where the perception of a large pool may make me sort of just blend in with the crowd whereas in person my unique personality/traits might shine through better. I will say that everyone I know who is married or in some kind of relationship (who is my age) met in college or grad school. I feel like I kind of missed the boat and am stuck with online stuff. Honestly I don't know that I spoke to many women at all my entire time in university aside from some passing interaction in classes. I wasn't in any clubs, my hobbies were all male dominated, and I studied mathematics which generally (unfortunately) has a high Male to Female ratio. One solution, as mentioned earlier, try to meet more people in person but I feel so awkward about it I don't think it would go well. One I feel awkward about the idea of signing up for activities with the main motive being meeting women and most activities I would do normally, without that motive, would not serve that purpose. The other is even if I did I don't feel confident I would ever ask anyone out. I have never had any female friends so I am not familiar with that process of getting to know someone organically and letting it transfer into a relationship. The reason online dating is "safe" for me is that it is all very upfront-- we are both looking for a relationship. And as I mentioned, hovering over all this are a lot of doubts in my mind at a deeper level of whether I can form a relationship or whether this is just my selfish desire to be validated. But then again maybe I am just thinking that because my self confidence is low...and it just spirals onward. I agree, and have been told by multiple sources, that working on myself confidence wise will help but I feel it gets me trapped in a cycle. I feel like knowing that actually makes me less confident which leads to less success which leads to even lower confidence. I am also often (maybe dysfunctionally) concerned with time. Is it realistic that I might have to undergo some kind of 3-5 year transformational journey before I can date? I don't see that as the norm for a lot of people, most people seem to slip into it pretty naturally even if they aren't 100% confident. I am very unsure. I always had the maybe sappy impression that a relationship was two people supporting/completing each other. Not some guy coming in who has everything together and 100% confidence already. The other funny thing is, in the grand scheme of things, I don't have all that much trouble getting dates from online or apps. I probably have had 1-2 a month consistently in the last year or so. The problem seems to be this unnameable lack of chemistry that seems to arise after 1 date. That's another thing I find odd, if I am into a person even in the slightest I usually ask for a second date...the first one is awkward and I feel like with a second one you could really get a better read. Most of the women I meet seem to make very quick judgments based on maybe 1 hour together. I know first impressions are important but idk, it seems rushed to me to get to know someone. Putting that aside though, I have reflected on the issue and have thought of a few things that I feel could contribute to the "no chemistry, you were a nice guy" feedback I get: 1. Physical traits as already mentioned. Someone might think my height is fine on paper (or whatever trait) but then meet in person and that subconsciously makes them find me less attractive 2. Intellectual/detached nature. I tend to have a kind of detached and unemotional nature and usually connect more mentally than anything else. I am especially bad (though slightly better recently) with physical contact or engendering any kind of sexual or romantic excitement. 3. Confidence/energy. I think I do a decent job making conversations on my dates, but maybe there is some subliminal factor, like you said, that is just exuding "wow, this guy doesn't have his act together" I read some dating advice that talked about being "polarizing", basically that you have to be bold and unafraid to show yourself as, if you play it safe and just make small talk and the like, you will not stand out. If you take bolder action and present yourself in all its uniqueness you may turn off a lot of people but you will turn on the people who would connect with you anyway. I think I have done this, I mean, I don't just sit there talking about the weather on dates, but not to much success yet. Regarding physical traits I think you gave a fair assessment. I don't think realistically I am ever going to reach the kind of "sturdier" state. I'm obviously not getting any taller, and with my 1500 calorie diet I am probably going to be stuck at my current weight for awhile, and honestly many of the women I meet are likely near my weight or heavier (not that I find a problem with this but maybe, to your point, they would) either by virtue of being taller or sturdier themselves. I also think just bone structure wise I am likely always going to have an at least somewhat slender look. I think just generally I have been caught in this cycle where I feel too depressed to succeed at my goals entirely, despite making some minimal efforts at going to the gym or poking around online dating, but then when I don't meet my goals I just whine about it and feel worse. I have tried multiple times to say "ok, today I am going to turn this around" but it never really works, I am just as addicted to feeling self-pity I guess as I am to anything else. If I can muse about the past for a moment, I reflected on some associated things recently. The first was I realized that despite what I thought was a self-perception of being independent and self-directed most of my life, I am starting to doubt that. I tended to do well when things had a definite goal. E.g. in four years I'll graduate high school, in another four college, etc. Now that I am just on my own and working I am having trouble making lasting change to my life. I think the main reason is there is just no external force pushing me...I could just sit here and work forever/live my life as it is. This makes me sad and I do want to change it, and have tried in very small ways, but I'm afraid of how to make the big change. All the while the depression of day-to-day life is contributing to my bad finances which will make it harder to change down the road. The second was that, when I was in high school and had my first crush (which also ended badly with like 2 years of me trying to court her, not knowing how, feeling bad and never getting anywhere), I used to confide in my friends at the time a lot on my emotions, what was going on with my (self-perceived) courtship, etc. I think that was when I started getting sort of addicted to sharing my problems and analyzing them with people. On the surface, it is a good thing to share your emotions and thoughts and seek our support...I just don't think I do it for the right reasons all the time.
  14. I have not heard of it but I will check it out and see if they have a chapter here! Thanks! Also since this challenge has ended I have shifted over to a new thread
  15. I mean, I should probably get over 2000 I would imagine if I want to gain any weight. I have actually been losing a little bit of weight since I ramped up my lifting/workout routine and am getting more activity but eating the same. Sadly all this activity does not make me hungry at all. Today I did something I have tried a couple weekends now to try and help with how lonely and boring they are. I made a list of various chores and things I am going to do (e.g. gym, etc.) to be checked off as I go through. This is to try to help me feel like I am not stagnating as much as I am. I am going to the gym later and can report on that at a later time. My main focuses for today so far have been #3 and #4 above. A lot of unwanted thoughts about dating and my self confidence. I think there are 2 layers to it: Layer 1: Doubts about whether the women I find attractive (and that means physical or mental attraction) will find me attractive in turn. I have had a ton of dates that seemed great to me but ended with nebulous things about lack of "spark." I am kind of detached I guess, idk, but the dysfunctional thoughts like to come up with all kinds of ultimately silly (though they still bother me) reasons why. These have included to varying degrees: 1. Height. I am not even that short but once I started dating and seeing what people wanted and that I was below average (I did not even know this before) it started to bother me. I actually have no preference on it, it just doesn't factor that much into my attractiveness model I guess. I have read the usual stuff about "well, you probably wouldn't want to date someone who cared about it anyway, they're superficial, etc." but idk if I buy that. I wonder sometimes how much these vague "no spark" things were from these subconscious factors. I don't blame anyone for being concerned about height either, quite the opposite I think that everyone should have their type, I just worry that it is limiting me a lot. And I know that the thought itself is more limiting than the actual physical trait. 2. Being thin, etc. This obviously fits more into my fitness goals of gaining some weight. I wouldn't say I look as thin as I did years ago and generally have a lean build (which I think is good) but I do wonder still if my generally smaller appearance, thin wrists, etc. bother people subconsciously on dates, even if it isn't said outright. 3. No appetite. This is a weird one but I have wondered if it is a turn off for women I date sometimes (if a dinner date or something) to see me leave half my food unfinished after an hour while they are done completely in 30 minutes. Again, not something I care about but I wonder if it is sending subconscious signals of sickness or something. 4.. What I am looking for. It might be hypocritical after my whining above, but I have my type also. I tend to go for the more athletic or muscular types but feel like most of them are not really looking for someone like me. This could be for a few (perfectly legitimate) reasons. One is that I also like a lot of nerdy stuff, and that can be a turn off for a lot of traditionally athletic people (I have actually had one woman say this was the main reason she didn't want to date). Another is physique, even though I am working on mine I don't think I am going to ever be a 6'2" X amount of lb athlete, obviously. An even bigger thing is not wanting children. This is what prevents me, partially, from doing any dating outside of online sites where I can ascertain that ahead of time. I would feel terrible wasting someone's time who wanted children and they probably would feel bad too. That said, to my surprise in 2019, it seems most people still want to reproduce. This has contributed to a vast feeling of scarcity on my part as I see very few prospects even across basically every dating site/app there is. Being nonreligious cuts out a lot of the pool too. I actually think my online dating profiles are much better than they used to be with the photos I got, etc. (I don't have any regular photos of myself, which could be another issue-- I might come across as boring and friendless in my photos). Anyway, that was my rant about that. Just wanted to get it on paper mostly for my own piece of mind. Finances still awful. I basically ignored all of the very nice and generous advice I got in the finance thread I made on here. It's just completely habit for me. I have what I call "calclator days" usualyl a few days after my paycheck comes in where I open the Calculator on my PC and compute that I have no money left. I have tried and succeeded at selling stuff on ebay, I sold probably like 1k worth of stuff in the last month or two, but all that money just evaporated into my addictions or paying for things I thought would be for self-improvement like classes or the like.
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