Jié Xī

Well, did pretty well over the weekend. But something did happen last night that was rather stressful (Sunday) so I decided to have a drink. Ended up having 2. But I didn't binge eat. So that was a plus. But I was only suppossed to drink 1 night a week (and I had wine on date night with hubby Saturday night). O well. Not too bad for my first weekend after learning all this stuff AND something major stressful coming up. And this is on top of the fact that I was rear ended Wednesday (at a stop light) by a girl who gave me her insurance info just for me to find out she didn't bother paying it so its not active and now my car's damaged and I have a $1000 deductible which I can't afford so it looks like duct tape for my hanging off bumper. 😡😡😡 Anyway, meal planned for the next 2 weeks. I've decided I'm only going to get on the scale every other Friday (instead of every single day) so that the scale (up or down or not down enough) doesn't affect my mood for the day, which often leads to negativity and the desire to give up and eat (though if it's down more than expected, it does make me motivated to keep going, but that's rare, so it usually backfires). So my next weigh in is February 2nd, which basically counts as the end of this challenge. I have a number in mind, so we'll see if I can get there.

So, I am actually loving my DBT workbook. For the first time, I've actually found a book tt acknowledges my time of overeating. Most either assume you meet the qualifications of diagnosable binge eating (I don't) or that you only eat for stress/negative emotions. I do eat due to stress and other negative emotions, but I also eat/overeat when I'm happy AND I eat for the sheer pleasure of food. no emotion involved. I just genuinely love food and I love trying new things (example: this weekend, I was introduced to bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with goat's cheese. Oh. My. Gosh. They were delicious and I ate a bunch....but anyway, getting sidetracked). The DBT workbook said I am a hedonic eater. I had never heard of that before. And it said that some people overeat when they are happy. So, anyway, by working through all the exercises thus far, I have discovered that I eat for 5 reasons: 1. Hunger 2: Pleasure of Food 3. When I'm happy* 4. When I'm stressed/sad 5. When Monday is approaching (weekend binge because diet resumes Monday) This book actually addresses all of that. And it's actually going much deeper than that. For example, I don't actually eat because I'm happy. I eat because I'm happy it's the weekend and husband is off from work, but I eat (plan high fat meals and snacks to watch movies to after the kids are in bed) because I am trying to fill the void that exists due to lack of quality time (stemming from a really messed up childhood in which there was no quality time ever, mixed in with the sporadic, unpredictable anger episodes (much like having an alcoholic parent) and an overabundance of high fat food as the main focus of holidays and vacations (to make up for the time that the family was so messed up). It addressed the idea of being biosocially conditioned to overeat/binge, which in my case is...every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, every date night, every social event, etc. The book then said that it was normal to be overwhelmed by all this and not want to continue. I on the other hand am ELATED! Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If I don't eat in attempt to satisfy emotions that food cannot satisfy anyway I will actually reach my weight loss goals!!!! And maintain a lower weight! I'm only 3 chapters in and already I am recognizing when I mindlessly reach for food that I'm stressed or in reaction to the food being "off limits" starting Monday. And I stop. I can't express how excited I am. If I stop overeating/stress eating, I can actually reach a weight in which I don't cringe everytime I pass a mirror or see my reflection in a window. I've spent my whole life avoiding situations in which I would try a new activity, meet new people, have to talk or be looked at, etc. My wieght is the same yo-yo over and over again because everytime I lose weight I put it right back on once a holiday or vacation comes along. I've gained the same 10-15 pounds over and over and over again several times a year, year after year after year. If I am no longer binging (putting the weight back on), I will lose finally once and for all. And actually lose the whole amount...which is 30-45, depending on.... What I decide my goal weight is. Because, interestingly, the book asks (after you did an exercise listing your values and vision of your ideal life and then all the benefits of overeating and all the consequences of overeating), which you though out weighed the other. It said, you might like overeating if it doesn't conflict with your values or vision. And that you may decide you don't want to stop. And something dawned on me: I LOVE food. So, if I am not overeating or binging, I may be able to eat food (like several bacon wrapped goat's cheese stuffed dates) and maintain 150 (30 lb weight loss and size 10 jeans) but not be able to maintain 135 (45 lb. weight loss and get back into my size 8's which I only maintained on an ultra low carb diet). Can I live with that? Does that align with my values? And the answer is yes. Because part of the vision of my ideal life is to enjoy lots of foods and continue trying new dishes and to travel and guilt-free enjoy all the flavors of the world. So, I've made some rules for myself. 1. Hunger -- I am allowed to eat. 2: Pleasure of Food -- I am allowed to eat. 3. When I'm happy* -- No. Hubby and I are going to start having a date night once a week in which he unplugs and we don't watch TV but talk or play a game. This is the only night I will drink or snack. I will not drink or snack while mindlessly watching a movie as though that is "spending time together." 4. When I'm stressed/sad -- No. Because of the work incident in December / the last several months of 2023, I already have started focusing on reducing stress and mindfulness and meditation and self-care. So if I find myself reaching for chocolate or any type of food due to stress, I will stretch, do yoga, play the piano (haven't done that in 7 years!), watercolor OR I was just introduced to diamond dots so will be trying that...anything that takes my mind off the stress and is self-soothing without using food. 5. When Monday is approaching (weekend binge because diet resumes Monday) -- No. For this one to work, I have to let go of all the food and diet rules I've created over the last 3 decades of dieting. The biggest on is classifying a food as a weekend food. Junk food, pizza, French fries, anything high carb or high fat...these are weekend foods that can only be eaten on the weekend if I did well on my diet (or if I'm stressed, "happy," it's a vacation, social event, holiday, restaurant, etc.). Worse, if something falls on a week day, and I am forced to eat a weekend food, then the whole week is ruined and I may as well eat weekend foods all week (or for the rest of the week) and start again Monday. Right now, it sounds so obvious why I've never been able to lose more than 10-15 pounds or keep that off. I imagine any sane person reading over what I just wrote and thinking, boy, you are pretty dumb to wonder why you struggle with weight loss. But all of that above wasn't actually conscious before this workbook. I didn't realize that is what I was doing. I should have. But I didn't. Anyway...there can't be foods designated for just the weekend or I will never be able to stop the "I must eat as much of this food as possible this weekend because it's for a limited time only." I realized this when imagining myself at the social event this weekend (in which I discovered the bacon wrapped goat's cheese stuffed dates) that I was brining hot corn dip. this is a HIGHLY fattening dip that I have never allowed myself to make (I made it once, cutting all the cheese in half and it obviously it didn't taste the same and was such a disappointment that I never bothered again). And I was imagining myself eating tons of it at the event. And then I thought to myself, how much of it would I eat if I was allowed to eat it every day of the week? And I realized, only the amount to satisfy my hunger. That was the light bulb moment. How much pizza do I really have to eat on those rare occasions we treat ourselves to pizza if I ate pizza every night of the week? I would no longer habitually force myself to eat that last piece knowing I'm already full. Do I really need to eat an extra large fry and then sneak fries from my kids plate after they've finished if I was allowed to eat French fries every night of the week? Once a food isn't a weekend only food, it no longer needs to be binged on. It sounds so simple. But for 25+ years I have had that rule in place. Now granted, it is probably what kept my weight from ever getting way out of hand. I have lived in overweight my whole life (except for the last 6 years where I tip over into the obese range after holidays or vacations). That rule is likely why I have never seen the 200's (except when pregnant / third trimester). But I am realizing that that rule is not really serving me. It has backfired. It has kept me from actually attaining a weight in the healthy range. So yea...I am pretty excited. As long as I can stick to my new rules (not food is restricted, eat for hunger and pleasure but nothing else) there is no reason in the world why I can't finally lose weight and get back into at least my size 10's.

I do not think therapy and simultaneously trying to work on an emotionally draining project mix. I am going to set the therapy aside for now. At least the more generalized workbook. I bought two DBT workbooks, one for emotional eating (that one doesn't stress me because the focus is only on how not to eat in response to triggers or emotions). The other on is more general and brings up past abuse, marriage issues, failed life expectation issues...and I just can't handle both right now. So I am going to just focus on the emotional eating one and save the other. Work is going so-so. I am having a really hard time working on it long enough each night to actually accomplish my to-do list. So ironic, considering a few months ago I was working on it 10-16 hours a day and had to pull myself away to go to bed. But at least I'm not forcing myself to do so and am trying really hard to gauge how I'm doing and take breaks or even end for the night even after a little bit to ward off another breakdown. I am 2 days in on the diet. The DBT emotional eating workbook strongly suggests not dieting while undergoing the therapy but I gained 14 pounds in a month taking me from high overweight to low obesity. I cannot stay here. I had to go to the thrift shop just to buy a coat (the ones I had could barely close 14 pounds ago, now they don't even come close. And besides, I have an event to go to Friday night and it will be very normal for the diet itself, climaxing in a weekend food event, to trigger the desire to binge. So I will be able to put my new learned skills to the test. Meaning, I have never stopped in the moment to ask myself, what am I feeling right now? Why do I want seconds, thirds of this food? Am I feeding an emotion? Am I trying to get high/dopamine? Even if I fail, and eat more than I would prefer, I will be able to better fill out the exercises. As of right now, I'm like...um, cuz food taste good and/or because eating with people who are happy/having a good time triggers dopamine that gives the illusion that you are actually with friends...as Luna would say. Sigh. I really want to hike tomorrow, it's the only day I can, but the Real Feel temp will be 27 degrees due to 20mph winds. I've not actually gone out to test that, but it doesn't sound very pleasant. Maybe I'll be surprised like last week (but that was surprise that 47 degrees felt nice. I don't think 27 degrees will feel nice. But I don't know if where I hike (the forest on the side of a mountain) would block the wind, allowing it to feel much warmer. But I have to walk an open field for 9 minutes to get there (and that's after a 20 minute drive) so not sure if it would just be a complete waste of my time. Maybe I 'll go to the gym instead. It's been....over a month, I think. I'm pathetic. But I've just been so stressed. I haven't done a good job of convincing myself that I exercise for mental health and not weight loss. Even though I know it helps me feel better.

Tomorrow, I will be starting DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) to learn how to regulate the emotional dysregulation that comes standard with ADHD and is exacerbated with stress. I know that I eat to try to regulate my emotions, so hopefully, this will help. I have 2 workbooks. One is specific to emotional eating and the other is for general stress management. I am hoping that this solves the problem of wanting to lose weight but constantly overeating due to stress and emotions. I gained 12 pounds in 2 weeks at the end of November/beginning of January due to the work-induced mental breakdown and I am still 12 pounds up. I already wanted to lose 20 pounds, so now it's 30. It's very, very frustrating. I am now in the obese category on the BMI. I had one wanted to start the year at 159 and now I am starting it at 180. I am trying not to get overwhelmed, especially since I need to get back to work. I really need to keep my stress levels down so I don't eat even more. Hopefully the DBT will help. And fix what is basically a two plus decade problem of trying to lose weight and never really succeeding.

I definitely failed adding Drinking Water and No Snacking this week. However, I continued cleaning the kitchen completely every night after supper. I was originally suppossed to get back into work Tuesday night (after mental breakdown in December), but then realized I had Wednesday completely free (kids went to in-laws) and that would be a better day to ease back into work. I literally set up the table (with my white tablecloth and 6 plants) and brought up my laptop and then went out to start the car to take them to in-laws....and the weather was BEAUTIFUL. I couldn't help it. I had to take advantage and go hiking / forest bathing / shinrin yoku. I have no regrets. It was AMAZING. It was exactly what I needed. And I was able to strengthen my vision and goals for the year to help know my why for my business goals for this year. I've been able to watch YouTube videos on business goals without triggering anxiety this week (I couldn't even look at the thumbnails without triggering anxiety in December). Plus, I went to the Dollar Store and bought a calendar similar to my expensive planner so that I can write my "goals" in the dollar store one and then what I actually achieve in y pretty, expensive one. This is instead of writing my goals in the pretty, expensive one and then failing. This also will give me an idea of how much I overestimate what I can do. And hopefully teach me how to be more realistic. I've decided to go ahead and use the 12 Week Year. Originally, I wasn't going to because I knew the deadline would stress me. But this time, I'm not using it in the sense of forcing my self to finish the project in 12 weeks, but I did use it to break down the project from the finish backwards all the way to the start. I then assigned what I thought was a reasonable (i.e. non-stressful/no pressure) time frame to each. This came out to 5 months (Jane to beginning of June for the project to go to market). Plus, there is no real rush to get it out in the beginning of June. The third quarter doesn't begin until July so if I run behind by as much as 4 weeks, it's not big deal. And even then, it shouldn't really matter, because I am going to make sure I make the new project (the one that brings me joy and will take the next 5 to 15 years of my life) the higher priority. In other words, the new (happy) project has a Spring (end of first quarter) release deadline starting in 2025. And each subsequent product in that series (end of first quarter 2026, 2027, etc.). So what is most important is that I don't fall behind on the new project. So if that means the old project gets released in July or August or even September, it doesn't really matter. However, I am pretty sure that I will be able to make the June release. I've also discovered MTO goals (minimum, target, and outrageous) from watching YouTube business videos and made them for the next year as well as my 5 year vision. Most everything I've tried to set up for 2024 (staring tomorrow, my first full work week) is that my Christmas trees are still up and I have one more box to go through to declutter (stuff that was upstairs that belongs downstairs). But I didn't get to it, because I fell on the ice Thursday night (running to the store for junk food, sigh). I thought I was fine (though slightly bruised, but the next day (yesterday) my neck and shoulder hurt A LOT. It still hurts quite a bit today. Hopefully, tomorrow, I will not be so sore and will be able to get to that so January "starts" without 2023 chores still needing to be completed.

Because I always fail every challenge, I want to really simplify. I'm aiming for Wu Wei and simplicity and minimalism anyway and so I'm going to only have one main goal at a time. Perhaps 1 per week (or 1 per challenge depending on how quickly I can make it a habit) and then only add another goal when I can do so without overwhelm. My clever fox self-care journal has 6 categories of self-care and 4 goals per month, so 1 will be the main goal and the other 3 will be prequel goals that will replace the main goal when the main goal becomes effortless. I've already done #1 for several days in row, so I am adding in #2 this week. Also, my goals might seem a bit strange. I put meal planning in financial (separating it from diet) so that I "cheating" on my diet doesn't mean I get to spend $25 on one fast food meal for the family. Whether I want to cheat on the diet or not, I still have to cook meals at home. Not because I have a weight loss goal, but because finances are a major stressor right now and the food bill is major problem. Eating premade or frozen meals is my default when I am stressed. It's hard to cook every night. But i can spend one day cooking and then have quick pre-ready (but healthier and cheaper meals to heat up). The other I mentioned before is putting exercise under emotional self-care. So, whether I cheat on my diet or not has nothing to do with whether or not I exercise. I am not exercising to lose weight; I am exercising for my emotional health. Goals in parenthesis are things I want to work towards. If they feel effortless, I can do them this week. But I don't have to. I won't fail this week if I don't get to them. I won't fail this week if I don't do #2-4. The only goal is #2 (and continuing to do #1). If I actually do everything (because it felt effortless), then I can add something else or do it again for another week to further establish the habit. THIS WEEK'S GOALS: #1. Environmental: Clear Kitchen Counters Every Night (10 min. tidy / make bed / load of laundry) #2. Physical: Drink Water & Stop Snacking/Drinking (take supplements, protein shake, veggies, eat within calorie range, etc.) #3. Emotional: Exercise for Emotional Health (go to the gym 3x a week in between homeschool sessions) #4. Financial: Meal Planning (only buy what's needed for meal plan; do NOT buy "easy" food on weekends). I am going to try and get back to work this week. I am going to try to not overwork, to not create deadlines, to not work to the point of burnout. I did map out a rough 12 week plan to finish this project and it is all dependent on finishing the first 6 steps in 6 weeks. I will be able to see if that is realistic within a week or 2. If it's not realistic, if I "fall behind" within a week, then 12 weeks wasn't realistic. I can think about work without an instant surge in anxiety, so I'm going to start tomorrow night. I might give myself a set time to work (2 hours? 3 hours?) and then stop especially if it doesn't feel effortless. And spend the rest of the evening doing something relaxing (reading, posting on NFR, watching YouTube). But if it does feel effortless, do I keep going, especially if that means it's more likely that I can finish this project in 3 months and be done with it and move onto much more enjoyable work projects. I don't know yet. I also want to start going to the gym regularly again (Mon, Tues, and Thurs. I don't know if I will go tomorrow (I've had head cold for the last several days so if I'm not better in the morning, I'm not going). But my biggest concern is that the child care hours are very specific. And I want to get reading, phonics, and math done first. Then, we will go to the gym. Then do fun / Montessori school in the afternoon. But I don't want to be clock watching / feeling rushed in the morning. But I'm not a morning person. So, it's a pretty tight schedule I am trying to implement but somehow still be in the flow. I also want to start journaling and do yoga. Which is under emotional and spiritual self-care. I want to do this first thing in the morning to center and ground myself. But, I don't know if that conflicts with my other goals (homeschool subjects before gym). I could wake up and it actually (magically) feels effortless to do morning yoga routine but then the morning is rushed to get school done before the gym. I also want supper time to be more relaxing and to really enjoy eating. Well, I always enjoy eating, but I mean, relaxing and practicing mindful eating. So I want to set the table with placemats and napkins and create a nice ambiance. Instead of the current, here's your food and your food and oh, here's a fork and just as I'm going to sit down and eat a child wants a drink. If the table is set, there is already tableware in place and empty glasses to remind me to fill before I set out the meals. (Meal time is inherently hectic because I have one child with celiac disease who can't eat anything gluten so I have to prepare his food with separate toaster oven, separate utensils, make sure I don't cross contaminate, etc., and then I also have a very picky autistic 5-year old who likes almost nothing. And then my husband loves rice, but I hate rice. And half the time I'm trying for low carb anyway, so on any given night, I am making 3 to 4 different meals. That is not going to change. But I can slow down the pace and make it more enjoyable if I have meal planned, cooked in bulk ahead, and set a pretty table. I already made up a bunch of rice and gluten-free mac and cheese today so this week should be a success. Also, I was hoping to have all the Christmas stuff down before tomorrow (when normal life resumes), but since I've been sick for 3 days, I've fallen behind. However...the whole house is organized and I've been keeping the kitchen spotlessly clean for the last few days (which is a major deal because it is usually 1-2 days of dishes always piled up). So yea...this is me trying to do a lot, while simultaneously not feeling rushed, and attempting to realize that the ONLY thing that is actually important this week is to continue clearing the kitchen counters every night and stop snacking and drinking. I did not drink tonight, but I did snack. Only just today I stumbled across "slow living" on YouTube. Never heard of it before, but it seems very in line with what I am trying to do this year (and every year forward): to live with intentionality, to be present and mindful, to only do what is important, to simplify, and to enjoy the journey. I know that my ADHD brain wants to do "all the things" and to do them right now, staring January 1, and be successful at everything. I can't force myself (the opposite of wu wei) to not do them if I want to do them. But if the momentum dies down, if life happens and stuff starts to feel like excessive effort instead of effortless action, I will remind myself that all I have to do is clear my counters and not snack or drink. That's it. Nothing else matters this week.

So husband was frigid all night long under the bedspread and I was still overheated. However, I did notice that cuddling didn't overheat me more. My husband wasn't radiating heat. But I was so hot I slept with just a sheet which is uncomfortable. I like to have a light weight blanket. So...tonight we are trying with a blanket. But I assume that will make it like before...trapping heat. Overheating. Sigh. Thank you!

When watching the ADHD burnout videos, they suggested prioritizing self-care and also said that self-care doesn't always look like spa days and pedicures. That exercise, therapy, and meditation and forest therapy (nature walks in trees) are all forms of self-care that help restore mental heath and prevent burnout and break downs. I already knew hiking in the forested mountains helps me. I go once a week and, for Christmas, even requested (and received) snow boots and a balaclava so I can continue all winter long as well as a Clever Fox self-care journal. One of the things noted was that exercise is nearly as beneficial for ADHD than medication and that it should be prioritized as self-care. I have always only ever associated exercise with weight loss. If I cheat on my diet, why bother to exercise. I know...ridiculously counter intuitive. But if I'm doing good on the diet, I exercise. If I'm bad, I skip exercising. Goal #1: Separate exercise from weight loss. Think of it as self-care and something I do almost daily regardless of how the diet is going. I also got a ton of Amazon Gift cards and did a mini bedroom makeover. One of the self-care suggestions was ensuring what you see upon first waking is peaceful. I've wanted to do an Asian-inspired theme for a while now. I already had 2 Far East paintings on either side of the bed, a few lanterns, and an orchid...but also hurricane lambs, a gothic candelabra, and candlesticks. I took out everything not Asian and made the orchid the centerpiece. Plus I got new sheets (artic white) and a bedspread (artic white) all 100% cotton so that it's breathable and cooling (I get very overheated at night which means no cuddles and squirming away from my heater-husband if he tries to get close...not exactly good for the marriage which already has issues...I am obsessed with white right now. I have always been an all black, goth, biker, black leather, chains type of person and so just default to buying all things on the darker end of the spectrum (my bedroom is painted a dark brown). And never, NEVER, bought anything white. But in the last few years, I crave light and greenery and so I like deep rich plants against bright white backgrounds. The artic white bed now really pops. Anyway...I also got a vibrating alarm because I need an "aggressive wake up plan" so that my phone plays cinematic Chinese music across the room that makes me get out of bed after I've hit snooze on my silent vibrating alarm several times. This way, I wake without heart-pounding stress of alarm ringing. Still trying to work out the kinks...only had one night to experiment so far. I also set up an area for yoga with candles and a wax warming lantern with my favorite scent. I also ordered a 3 panel Chinese painting that is so beautiful (at least it looks good in the Amazon pics). It's coming from China so it will be a few weeks but it will hang on the wall across from my bed (where my phone alarm will be) so it will be one of the first things I see. I also bought these beautiful 9 photo prints of greenery on a white background for the kitchen. I'm going to get some frames and possible mats. But the kitchen is where I spend most of my time (it has that half hexagon walls with windows nook like thingy). It's the brightest room in the house with all that natural sunlight. I work at the kitchen table. I do homeschool. It's just the room that brings me the most happiness because of the light. But of course, I had painted it brown and stained the cabinets really dark brown). I know. No wonder I am craving light. Anyway, I am going to fill that large brown wall (the one with no cabinets) with the 9 white pictures with pops of greenery. Because they make me feel peaceful to look at. Goal #2: Maintain a decluttered house to reduce visual noise and set up for the morning each night so that the day starts off smoothly. Practice Meditation and morning Yoga. I also watched a decluttering video that said to remove all clothes that didn't fit out of your closet and put them somewhere you can't see them. I'd always heard get right of them (which I can't do because my weight fluctuates so often) but I never thought to just put them somewhere else in the house so that they aren't shaming you every time you open the closet. So, I moved everything down and hung them on the guest room shower curtain. My closet looks great (it's basically empty) and now in pride of place is my hiking gear, and a few outfits that will fit in only a few pounds from now (rather than 20, let alone all the boxes that won't fit for 30-50 pounds. sigh.) Usually on NFR, I set a goal of x number of pounds lost or reach a certain # by the end of the challenge. And I go about this by cutting carbs or attempting to eat a certain number of calories. And I fail. Every. Single. Time. So this time, I want to mainly focus on just eating 1) foods that fuel and 2) only what I want. If that happens to be sliced, oven crusty French Bread with butter (which I've been eating for several days now) then so be it. I want to stop making food the enemy. I would like to be back to 162 which is what I was last August/September but seeing as how I was just 168 (Thanksgiving) and have now seen 180 twice, it might behoove me just to work on not gaining. Goal #3: View food as fuel and pleasure...not the enemy. Try to at least get back to 168. Definitely, don't gain weight. So there we have it. Hopefully, I've set up goals that I can actually achieve. Since nearly every NFR challenge I sign up for has been an epic fail and why I drop out and disappear mid way through only to show up for the next one (or not again for several months).

I think I'm in the middle of, or at least recovering from, a nervous breakdown from work. I didn't work all last challenge, and basically spent the month drinking and snacking and eating and randomly crying and having anxiety anytime I thought about work. I was 168 lbs. two days before Thanksgiving and was 180 by Dec. 3. I got back to 172 and am back at 180. On a good note, my goals to get into a homeschooling routine is a 100% success. And my goal to get the entire house decluttered, organized, and clean is nearly complete. I have the Master Bath and the boys' bathroom to do. I was hoping to get to my studio/office before the New Year, but I don't think I'm going to make it. Not that big of a deal though as I won't really need it as a studio until April (at the earliest, when the super stressful 4+ year project is finally over). Every evening, I've been binge watching decluttering videos (and ADHD burnout/nervous break down videos) and by day, homeschooling and decluttering. I am hoping that as soon as the house is finished, all that decluttering interest will switch to weight loss focus. So...the year of Wu Wei (pronounced Woo Way for those who care, lol). Going with the flow of the universe rather than working against it. Effortless Action rather than Excessive Effort. Effortless action is working in the zone and going with the flow but "involves letting go of ideals that we may otherwise try to force too violently onto things" such as deadlines on work projects in which you let your ADHD hyperfocus takeover for 16+ hours a day for months at a time...and then you think you are done and you send it out and customer feedback comes back and you have to pivot and go 16 hours a day for a few more months and then you think you are done and you sent it out and customer feedback comes back and you have to pivot again. And again. And then you have a nervous breakdown. Breathe. Breathe. So...Wu Wei. No more deadlines. Which is hard. Because I want this project is done. And I think I can finish by the end of March. So there is a part of me that wants to do the 12 Week Year for the next 3 months but that is not just a 3 month deadline, but a monthly, weekly, and even daily deadlines. And then I feel the panic attack coming on just thinking about it. Part of me things that I should break the project down into micro chunks so that it seems manageable but don't assign a time frame to it. But then I start to panic and think, but what if I can't finish by the end of March? What if it takes longer? I want it done. I want the stress gone. Because once I finish, I can move onto the project that brings me joy. But anyway...goals for this challenge.

As usual, my challenge is an epic failure. I don't know why I bother trying. Which is why I skip so many challenges. The house is almost finished though. I've done tons of purging and minimalizing and organizing and homeschool is going def back on track and going amazing. However...I haven't been to the gym in over 10 days, my eating is a disaster, and I can't even look at work. Mainly because my stress levels are through the roof due to personal issues. Hopefully, things are getting better. I did do a bit of retail therapy tonight. I got an AMAZING deal on a complete Montessori grammar symbols set. Basically 50% off between a Christmas sale, free shipping, and a coupon code. The house is almost done, so if my stress levels go down, hopefully I can get back to work. And stop stress eating.

Today, I completely organized my husband's hoarded out office. It's a huge room and there was not even a walk way. I should have taken pictures. It was very impromptu. But anyway, I lifted so many banker's boxes full of books back and forth as I cleaned. His "office" has been like that since we moved into this house. He's not a very motivated person, lol. And organizing is def not his strength. He was dumbfounded that I was able to do it one day, and honestly, I couldn't have if I didn't have tons of experience going through my own stuff and minimalizing and organizing like for like and all that. So yea. Anyway, there is NOTHING on the floor except for one corner that is stacks and stacks of boxes. The room looks amazing. I even decorated his desk with a rock fountain and amber light rock thing I found amongst the clutter. I filled a 3x6 bin of just wires that he "might need someday." Seriously. The bin is full. And the wires are so tangled together, it's impossible to even know which is which or what type of wire it is. But to each his own, lol. Point is, I hurt. Entire body. Back. Knees. Everything. And no hot tub option tonight. So turned to alcohol, lol. Which makes me snackish. So yea, sitting here drinking and eating trail mix because that's all that's in the house. I did have a few of my son's GF crackers with my favorite dip, but couldn't totally pig out since they are his, of course. But, the house is definitely on track for being ready to simply maintain in 2024. That makes me happy. Oh, but couldn't get into work last night and not going to tonight either. I'm just too worn out physically to get my brain in gear. But since I have new goals (deadlines?) for Jan, Feb, and Mar. of 2024 (see previous post) I have plenty of time to do the product research without feeling rushed.

Well, yes and no. I'm an LLC and basically stuck in product development since 2019. Every time I send out the MPV (minimum viable product) for customer feedback thinking it's ready, it fails in one way or another. The first two attempts were just epic fails (2019/2020) and 2021. They were well-received, but didn't achieve their objective. This time around (July 2023), it failed in the sense that it didn't reach my target audience. Basically, I was trying to make a product for too many demographics. So that one product from July is now 4 separate projects. The 1st is almost done and REALLY loved. The 2nd one is also almost done and very well-received. The third and fourth, I'm still trying to work out the kinks. I wanted to be finished by the end of 2024 because I really want this project out of the way and off my plate so that I can return to my dream project, the one I really want to work on for the next 5 to 15+ years. The one that brings me tons of joy. So the consequences are not starting 2024 with it behind me. That's pretty much it. It would have been very mentally liberating. However, it's basically impossible by this point. I've spent far too long on this project to just rush it to complete it. Plus, I want to do some last minute product research to make sure I've crossed all my t's and dotted all my i's. I am thinking January will be devoted to #3. February to #4. And then March to #1 and #2. And then April, I will be free. Muwhahahahaha.

Wednesday is suppossed to be my 6.25 mile hike in the mountains. It's in the evergreens which is wonderful because I live in a very brown, desserty area. That hike is my Forest Therapy. No kidding, it's a real thing. My husband says he suffers from SAD all his life. And year after year, he brings it up. Well, the last few years of living in this very brown, desserty area (after living in a very humid, treed area) the lack of green, I felt, really started to wear on me. Well, he kept saying that wasn't a real thing. Well, I googled it. First thing that pops up is a peer-reviewed article on Forest Therapy for boosting serotonin. Point is, that hike is precious to me and weekly refresh. It's my me time where I get away, go into nature, and just let my brain go where it wills. Last time, I ended up recording 10k words in my voice recorder. Yes, it was for the work project, but it was effortless action because it's where my brain wanted to be while walking and enjoying nature. Anyway, my in-laws take the kiddos and I get the afternoon and evening to my self. Last night, MIL texts that she has a painful rash and made a drs appointment in the afternoon. So......instead of hiking, I decided to clear out the garage. Then I moved a wooden futon down the hall and into another room. Moved a table and a queen size bed frame upstairs. And then hung my mountain bike up on the wall hooks in the garage that are far above my head. All. By. Myself. My consolation was that I had the evening off (after MIL drs appt.). So I kept pushing through getting the house in order knowing the kiddos were going to my in-laws. Then she texts that its Shingles and she can't see anyone for 7 days. And, it's the day hubby has his friends over (only 2x a month) so I had to watch them in the evening as well. In an extremely sore from moving everything state. And so, fortunately, I had a brain wave(?) and took them to the gym with the hot tub, dropped them off in child care where they made a Christmas craft, and sat in the hot tub with jets against my lower back. Definitely ate more than planned today, but was quite hungry. Probably from all the lifting and stuff. Hopefully it doesn't mess with the weight loss too much. I have so many Christmas parties this month as it is, that I wasn't suppossed to have any cheat days except for those.

So...last night I worked until 2 am. Because I didn't allow myself to think about work all day, it took a while for my brain to get into gear (about 11 pm). So yea, worked from 11 to 2. So of course I overslept, which meant it was quite easy to blow off the gym (especially because I was super sore from yesterday's workout). But...everything else got done, including the bill that couldn't get paid yesterday. It was much less hectic today, no errands, so got a lot of organizing/minimalizing done. Plus put away 2 loads of laundry. One hubby left in the dryer from the weekend and the load I did yesterday. As I try to start habits now so that they are effortless in 2024, I'm working on figuring out what are non-essential activates as I try to create a routine. I'm trying to break up the work project into tasks and then only work on the amount that doesn't cause stress. Meanwhile, I am trying not to think about how much further down the line that will push the end of this project.

Today was a success. Mostly. Took a nap instead of cleaning but it was a very hectic day and everything else was completed. Most days aren't this busy, so I'm pleased. Diet: On track. Exercise: Compound workout (upper and lower) & about 2 miles on treadmill. Homeschool: Math, Handwriting, Speech Therapy, and Physical Therapy Took back a return. Grocery shopping. Load of laundry. Cooked supper. Meal planned for the week. Cleaned kitchen after supper (as in spotless, which is almost NEVER) Paid bills except for one (which said, cannot process, try again later). @#!@#% Now, need to get to work project. Didn't work on it all day, so that's good.

I have failed every challenge I ever did since 2018 or 2019 when I first joined except the last one I did over the summer. And I didn't even pop on the last week of the challenge to mention that. Then, I gained all the weight I lost in that challenge and literally went back to the same habits (because the same work stressor came back). But, I realized something. I fail because of excessive action. Work takes over everything, and even if I am technically "in the zone," it is not effortless action because I am pressuring myself with deadlines because every other aspect of my life is put on hold and so I just try harder to get it this particular work project done because then I can move into a much more enjoyable work project. And so I stress eat. I eat because the project is stressful. I eat because I feel guilty that I am neglecting everything else. I eat to get the dopamine and concentration boost that food gives (esp. as an unmedicated ADHD'er). And then I gain weight. And I stop working out. And I fail at everything. And then I get discouraged because this has basically been the story of my life for the last 15 years. The opposite of excessive action is wu wei, which is effortless action. Effortless action is working in the zone and going with the flow but "involves letting go of ideals that we may otherwise try to force too violently onto things." such as deadlines. When there is no deadline, everything else doesn't have to get neglected. There is much less stress, and if the project becomes stressful, it's time to take a break rather than force myself to continue for several more hours until I get so burned out I have to drink myself silly. Just to get up the next day and do it all over again. So anyway, 2024 is my year to practice wu wei. This challenge I am getting all the other areas of my life on track (such as minimalizing and decluttering my house yet again, losing the 10+ pounds I gained so I can start the new year with all areas of my life in balance and ready to maintain rather than in havoc. I want to start 2024 with only 20 pounds to lose not 35, and getting back into habit of going to the gym, and starting the habits of yoga and tai chi sword. Practicing wu wei in regards to work basically means, work during work hours ONLY. Stop making deadlines. Yes, it could be finished sooner if I worked all day and several hours into the early morning, but the goal was to finish before 2024 and that is not going to happen. So I may as well just let all the deadlines (and the stress) go so that I can find balance. Prequel Wu Wei Challenge Practice wu wei. No deadlines. Work, clean & declutter, exercise, homeschool & engage with family effortlessly and without guilt. Get back in the habit of going to the gym (barbells and treadmill). Add yoga and tai chi if it is effortless to do so. No snacking and no drinking (for this 3 week challenge).

My back has hurt really bad since last night (Monday) and I wasn't sure what I did to it. Sunday I did deadlifts as part of full body workout. I might have done my first 3rd set (but same weight as normal) and I would have thought I'd wake up in pain if that was it. Yesterday, I did a yoga class so thought maybe I pulled something without realizing it. And, I walked about 8 miles (4.5 on treadmill on the morning and then 3.5 in the woods yesterday evening). I was fine on the walk, and even considered walking around a pond a few times but needed to run some errands and the sun was setting so I just drove to the store. When I got to the store (5 mins later), I had really stiffened up. But that was mostly hips/legs. By the time I got home, my feet were throbbing and my back was killing me. Today, skipped the gym for the first unplanned rest day since I joined because my back and hip flexors hurt so bad. Then this evening, after pain all day long, I found a YouTube video on warrior poses (which I am loving from my yoga class), and did the video several times to get my form down. And the back pain was GONE. Seriously??? I would have done yoga this morning if I knew it would take away the pain. Here, I figured it was the yoga that hurt it. So now I don't know if it was the extra walk or the extra set of deadlifts. I've never had back pain from either one before. Anyway, I gotta say, I am really enjoying yoga. I've made it part of every challenge here since I joined back in 2019(?) because I want flexibility but I NEVER actually did it. I have a 12 minute emergency legs DVD that I was suppossed to do a few times a week to get hamstring flexibility. I might, might, have done it one time at the start of a challenge, but I know for a fact that I NEVER did it more than once in a challenge and most challenges never got to it at all. But this challenge alone, I've done yoga 5 times (possibly more as I might not have remembered to write it down). The funny thing is, not one time has it been that 12 min DVD. I did a 45 minute DVD I have called Candlelight Yoga that I haven't done in a decade or more (it was my favorite but never wanted to commit to 45 minutes consistently so always did the 12 min or nothing). I've done a yoga class 2x. And I've done a yoga for inflexible people 3x and now tonight discovered yoga warrior flow. I never enjoyed yoga before. I did it (or attempted to do it) only because I wanted flexibility and didn't know how else to achieve it. In fact, when I found a hamstring flexibility stretching exercise two weeks ago I even considered just adding that to my routine and forgetting about yoga altogether. But 2 things changed all that. First, in the book I'm reading by Fumio Sasaki he said yoga is suppossed to be enjoyable. Well, it hurts too much because I am so inflexible and I'm ridiculously awkward getting into poses and falling over so it's just something I forced myself to do in my quest for flexibility (never consistently enough to ever get flexible, mind you). So while that thought was bouncing around I discovered the video 10 Minute Yoga for Inflexible People by Byrd and she uses tons of pillows to support the areas that hurt...so that they don't hurt. This BLEW my mind. I had no idea yoga was suppossed to feel nice. It was always just pain, pain, pain and a struggle to hold the pose despite the pose (this includes the basic sitting cross-legged pose. Several months ago, I had bought a hip pillow which helped a bit, but not until Byrd said to also put a pillow under your knees did I realize there wasn't suppossed to be ANY pain. Point is (sorry this is so long), I love yoga now (if I have all my pillows, which yes, I drag to class...I'm sure I look stupid, but yea. I guess I've finally reached that age where I just don't care what people think; I'm doing it for me). I love warrior poses...well, I love warrior 1 and 2. Warrior 3, I can't really do it, so it doesn't make me feel strong. But maybe with practice. We'll see. But for the first time ever I actually feel like it wasn't just wishful thinking to tag my challenge Druid.

I have trouble with that as well. And in your case, it doesn't help that I changed my profile picture too, lol. But, my phases usually last a few years, so I should be Jié Xī for quite a while. Haha.

The Mud Run was rescheduled for today and hubby was able to get it off...so I was able to go. Thoughts, seeing as how this was my first one. Going in, I was told it was harder than a regular 5k and that the obstacles were challenging so I was a bit nervous. I was also expecting the entire course to be at least damp, so that you were constantly squishing in mud (this last part was based on seeing a water truck last week, and the entire ground being wet due to rain). Okay, first....the bulk of the course was normal, hard as anything, desert dirt. I even found a worker to ask if the water truck hadn't arrived yet, lol. Second, when you finally do get to the mud, after a while, it gets old. You are wading through waist-deep trenches and if you stand still too long you sink so much that it's nearly impossible to lift your foot up to take a step forward. I honestly thought I was going to lose a trainer at one point. Then, at another obstacle, you are suppossed to go across on your belly so that only your head is above water. They repeated that one 3 different times (spread out over the course). The first time, I just kept squatting under the very low ropes. The second time, I was soaked from a different obstacle anyway, so I did it "right" for the experience. The third time, I just squatted under all the netting again. But after a while, you just come around another bend and its wade through a waist deep or knee deep trench again. I think I was expecting more "the floor is lava" type obstacles except mud instead of lava. Or Ninja Warrior or Beast Master type things where you try not to fall in the mud but you do. Third, I think most of those girls are treadmill only. Meaning they don't lift weights. I was shocked to discover that despite being fatter than most and not a run uphill type of gal that I breezed past most in the obstacles. In fact, one was going down and up switchbacks with either a 20 pound or 30 pound sack across your shoulders. I picked a 30 pounder and jogged the switchbacks. When I got back, I asked if I could do it again, and I added a 20 pounder and still jogged it. Another was climbing up a VERY slick mud hill pulling yourself up by a rope. Lots of girls made it up, but several also struggled quite a bit and some slid back down and couldn't do. I did have to reach for someone's hand near the top, but other than that, I pulled myself up and never went down on knees on stomach. The only obstacle I struggled with was the netting. I had no problem climbing up or back down the netting, but at the top you actually crossed over the track on the netting at a height of about 2 stories. That was a little scary because one could definitely fall through the netting. And...I'm on the heavy side, so wasn't feeling very confident. Also, I kept passing groups which also surprised me. Now, granted, that means that I only faster than the slowest in that group (which the rest were waiting for), but I never expected to be that fit or strong. I honestly thought I would be huffing and puffing to keep up with all these athletes and that I would be struggling through the obstacles. Apparently, I am what they call fit fat. I didn't time myself at all. Hubby was there with the boys and spectators were allowed practically all over so they kept zigzagging across to be able to watch me. So I would wait for them to catch up to watch me go in the mud or do obstacles I thought they would get a kick out of, lol. My 7 year old really wants to do it with me. My five year old was horrified as he hates being wet, lol. All in all, I found the course fun but easy. So, since it was not really challenging (which is what I was expecting), I think I will definitely do more, but only with my 7 year old because that would make it really fun and I know that I could help him no matter the obstacle. (Except the 2 story netting thing. He is so skinny, I would be terrified for him).

Saw major improvements in energy levels today! I did a full upper and lower body workout without feeling too tired or waves of hunger. And was able to go back to a speedier treadmill walk without feeling weak. And I discovered why my hamstrings have been so tight. I thought I wasn't working them because the hamstring machine is usually taken and even when it is available, I find it rather awkward to use. It's not the curl, it's this standing thing where you put your trainer in a stirrup type thing and pull your leg backwards. Anyway, point is, while I was doing the single leg squat, I noticed on the little sticker with the dude that his butt AND hamstrings were highlighted and I do that machine several times a week. So...after today's workout, I did some hamstring stretches. Will see tomorrow how they feel. I was hoping to do some yoga today but got to it. Had a lot of errands to run. Ate my 1600 calories today. Or almost. I'm at 1493. I'm not hungry at the moment and it's getting late. So even though I can think of yummy healthful things for 100 that I could go eat, I'm not sure I should just because I can. Also, I've left notes for myself to give this diet until at least next Friday to see how it works. I know I won't lose as quickly as on my sedentary, restrictive diet, but if I gain, then obviously I'm eating too much.

Hahaha, for no reason other than I am REALLY into all things Far East and it's my initials in Chinese. @Harriet I am the nerd formally known as Magdalena Ravenclaw which tied into my steampunk phase. On another forum I belong to, I probably changed my name 5 times...each time I'm obsessed with a new interest. And on that one you have to give a reason and wait for a moderator to approve. I'm surprised they haven't denied me thinking they are enabling insanity. 🤪

Ugh. My Bible study starts back up Sept 15 and EVERYONE brings something (usually dessert). The entire table is covered from one end to the other like a Christmas party spread. I try to bring fruit or a salad, but it doesn't help when there are still 6-8 different desserts to choose from. My goal is to lose as much as I possibly can this summer so that I can wear "thin" clothes (instead of baggy fat clothes) as a constant reminder why I don't want to indulge. I'm also going to pretend it's all plastic food. I read in Hello, Habits that if you pretend food is something else it's far less tempting.

That sounds like a good plan. By the way, and forgive me if this was covered already, but have you been tested for celiac? My son was just diagnosed with that and some of your results (gut issues and low mineral absorption) are very similar to his.

Between this challenge and last, I've now lost 10 lbs of my 40 lbs by Christmas goal. 25% there. Woot woot. However, my diet is no longer sustainable. I joined a gym and at first it was fine, but this past week I've been really dragging and I know it was because my calories were based on a sedentary lifestyle which was accurate at the time. But I am LOVING the gym and go almost every day, even if just to leisurely walk on the treadmill (20 min mile @ 0 incline). So I am going to try the alternate day diet: 1600, 1200, 1600, 1200, etc.). Today was my first day (1200). Also, I usually alternate upper/lower strength training, but I think I will start doing full body on the higher calorie days and rest on the lower calorie days and see how that goes. Hoping my energy levels come back up. Oh, and I actually went to a yoga class. I have NEVER done that. I have NO flexibility whatsoever and couldn't do any of the moves in the first half (that require open hips and flexible hamstrings). This is why I do yoga in the comfort of my own home (YouTube or DVD) with a bum pillow and 2 knee pillows. Surprisingly enough, I didn't hate it, but will be bringing my pillows with me next week. That has to look less stupid that not being able to do the pose at all, right??? Speaking of which, my hamstrings have gotten even tighter since I joined the gym. Am I suppossed to stretch after walking? I know you stretch after jogging/running, but I've just been walking (about 4.5 miles, sometimes 6mi/10K.

So, they cancelled the mud run due to rain flooding the course. Seriously? Somehow, about 15-20 minutes of rain right at my race start time made the MUD run so muddy that the medic trucks couldn't get to all areas of the course. Grr. Worse, they charged us $20 for parking. They said they would reimburse us. I think that was a lie because they didn't want 6000 angry people mobbing them for their money. They've rescheduled the tickets for this weekend BUT never said anything about whether they will be charging us $20 for parking AGAIN. Worse still, my husband has no idea if he can get off from work this weekend. Which means all I get is a lousy voucher (which I know will not include parking) for next year. And then, they have the audacity to hand our finisher medals to everyone as they drive away. Seriously?????