Jié Xī

This finally brings me to fitness. And appearance. And all that NFR-related stuff. I did dead lifts today. First time since January, I believe. (Haha, right before the writing binge). I always come out of a writing binge 10-20 pounds heavier and find myself in a hoarder house. Anyway . . . I have worked out 5x since Friday. Considering that included being on vacation (get this: the only dessert I brought was s'mores and 90% dark chocolate. I brought fruit to snack on and rice cakes as compared to the typical stock up on TONS of junk food because it's vacation. And I brought my dumbbells. I have NEVER brought workout equipment on vacation. And I have NEVER not brought tons of junk food and "treat" meals. I didn't even bring pizza. Now, I should admit that I did in fact miss it, I wanted junk food very badly, and when we came home Monday, we got pizza and slices of bakery cake. But at least it was just one day and not Thurs-Mon. Part of this new found motivation is because 1) I want to do some videos and so need to be mediagenic (which requires confidence, which I do not have at this weight), 2) a picture of me with the kids on vacation which will never see the light of day, and 3) realizing that I am 43 and have spent my entire life hating the way I look in pictures and vowing that the next vacation . . .bikini season . . . jeans and boot season, etc., I'll be thin and saying that year after year after year. If I don't do it, I'm going to still be saying that and realizing I'm about to turn 50. If I am going to lose this weight and actually like the way I look I need to do it NOW. And 4, and this one will sound weird, but I'm going to die my hair Chocolate Cherry by Feria. I am hoping that it gives my otherwise professional look a bit of an edge and I feel that I can pull that edge off if I look tones. Really toned. Think Ruby Rose meets 40 something. Hahaha. I am so serious about this that I am now only eating 3 squares (1 serving) of dark chocolate a night. (I used to eat 6-8 squares every night at a minimum). 2 days in a row now. Oh, and other than drinking a few wine coolers on vacation, I've not drank at all since January. And I have no desire too. (Mostly because weekend evenings are spent writing now instead of watching movies and drinking). But I've not gotten on the scale. It shot back up into the 170's after my mom's visit and all my clothes are uncomfortably tight so I'm thinking it's better if I don't get on and discourage myself. But my goal is to lose 1.5 pounds a week from here till end of September when we go away again. I probably won't write again till May 2nd when the next challenge starts. The only other thing I can add is that I am actually going to buy some skin care stuff (Vit C for the morning and Retinol in the evening). I have never gotten in the habit of washing my face at night. If I didn't wear makeup (most days), I don't wash at all. And if I did wear makeup, I might remember 30% of the time to wash it off. I just don't look in the mirror. Avoid them like the plague actually, so I just never remember / got into the habit. Anyway, I'm definitely seeing signs of aging now, so I figure better late than never. *sigh*

So the business class was the hardest class I've taken thus far but it also brought me a ton of focus and clarity. I had already incorporated by business name back in 2019 and bought the domain (it's an independent media company), but have since then been working on a product mix and have never officially launched. I was suppossed to launch in 2020 but Covid put a halt to that, and then I ended up changing my product mix, so it worked out in the end. Anyway, I should be ready to launch sometime this year. But the point is, the class indirectly helped me realize what my brand is -- and that's what brought a ton of clarity. I'm also reading the textbooks of two additional marketing classes and I'm now enrolled in 4 entrepreneur classes. All that to say, I spent most of my mini vacation last week figuring out how to be a business owner but not a workaholic. (I found out about the workaholic thing Sat and we left for vaca on Thurs and came back Mon). First rule: I can't work on business stuff and/or writing projects until after lunch. So the morning is dedicated to cleaning the house, working out, self-care, teaching preschool, and playing with the boys. Second rule: Take 3 gram of Omega 3's daily. Apparently, 40% of nonmedicated ADHD people can get nearly the equal benefits of medication just by taking omega 3's. So, here's to hoping I'm one of the 40%. I just started last week and they said it can take up to 3 months to know if it's working. Third rule: Create and Follow a Routine. I have NEVER in my entire life ever had a routine. I've always felt that routines stifle creativity. And even when I found out that I was ADHD and all the books said you can manage it better if you have a routine, I never implemented one. So, I've been working on creating a manual for adulting. Specifically my life, house goals, weight goals, life goals, managing the house, meal plans, bill paying, etc. Everything you could possibly think of is in this book (technically it's a happy planner because I LOVE Happy Planners and have tons of Happy Planner notebook paper and project sheets, etc.). So I have a daily schedule that might say something like 9:00 Self-Care (shower, shave, face cream) and 11:00 Life Management (bills, emails, phone calls) and 2:00 Nonfiction projects. Each one is color coded. Then, I can flip to a page called "Self-Care" or "Life Management," and on that page it lists all the things that fall under that category (Self-Care: shower, shave, skin care routine / Life Management: bills, emails, phone calls), because yes, I am so absentminded I would literally forget what I am supposed to do. I don't even remember what books I am suppose to be reading. So even that is written down and lined up with that months business goals. So for instance, I have a brand book I need to read because I need to blog about my brand to launch; this allows me to realize NOT to read my advertising books yet, but to read them during the month that I will be working on an advertising campaign. Before all this, I would have read whatever seemed interesting at the time and never wrote out any goals, etc. I am hoping that since this is the first time I am doing something different (as compared to doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results) that perhaps this will actually work. That I actually can be an organized, adult-like adult.

So, I found out something about myself. I am a workaholic. I had no idea because I am what is called an engaged workaholic. Meaning, I love my work so much and it brings me so much joy that I focus on it all the time. Over the years, I've read tons of time management books and how to find balance books all of which have pretty much said cut out what isn't important. Well, that pretty much justified 3 days' worth of dishes piled up on the counter, or unshaven legs, or living out of a laundry basket whenever I went on a writing binge. But of course the shame of never being able to adult well and someone noticing the messy house or going to get a pedicure and realizing your legs are super hairy (dark, course hair on very pale skin I may add) or always running late because the house is so disorganized would drive me to getting more balance / organize your life books and it's just been a viscous cycle for 20+ years. Then, in 2019 I found out I was ADHD. The reason I could never keep a house organized was because I lack executive functioning abilities. So I read tons of ADHD books on how to set up systems in your house to make it work for you. That helped a little, but didn't solve the problem. But, ADHD also has hyper-focus which explained my writing/research obsessions and binges. But now, I've discovered it's more than that. I'm actually a workaholic. One study found that "workaholics — or 7.8 percent of the sample — were much more likely to have ADHD (32.7 percent compared to 12.7 percent)" and another that "the demographic most likely to fall under the workaholic label was young, female, and self-employed . . ." So I'm not young anymore, but this started in my 20's, so apparently I've just never grown out of it. If I was single (didn't have little children I'm supposed to be homeschooling) it wouldn't be an issue. (Mr. Ravenclaw has his own writing projects and other hobbies he enjoys in the evenings after work, so anytime I go on a writing obsession/binge, he happily works on his own stories). Anyway, I found this out reading a book on work-life balance by Stew Friedman. So now I'm reading books on that subject and they are saying the opposite of the typical organize your life books. The typical ones say cut out what's not important so you can spend more time doing what you want (for me, that is my research/writing). But the workaholic ones are saying I have to work less. I guess that's a no-brainer, but that honestly never occurred to me. It was always about figuring out how to gain more time and cut more and more out of the other areas. And these new books are pointing out that I only have so many resources. If I spend them all on work, of course family (kids) and self-care are going to fall by the wayside. I think the biggest thing that stuck out at me was this: if you say yes to something then you said no to something else. So if I say yes to working first thing in the morning, I'm saying no to spending the morning with my kids, homeschooling them, etc. If I say yes, to writing all afternoon, then I've said no to being present or engaged with my children. I might be home with them (and even in the same room) but I'm not being with them. I'm not engaged. And the little guy (almost 3) has really started to notice (had gone on a 6 week writing binge from the beginning of March to mid-April) and in his meanest, grumpiest voice will say: NO TYPING ON YOUR 'PUTER. My other son, almost 5, is autistic so he doesn't communicate like a normal child . . . but his whole life he's been a mamma's boy (only I could put him in car seat, put him in his pajamas, push him in the shopping cart, and now he wants daddy to do all those things. It may just be a coincidence or maybe that's his way of showing he doesn't feel close to me lately. Not sure.) Actually, it wasn't just 6 weeks; I'm sitting here counting up. It intensified that last 6 weeks. But it started in January after my eldest son's visit. I don't *think* I was writing during the day though. That was only the last 6 weeks, and only the last 2 of that (first two weeks of April) was all day long. So about 3 months total with increasing degrees of intensity. (I should point out that I have 3 different non-fiction books about to launch due to all this, as well as 207 content marketing blog posts written scheduled. And I completed a business class during all that, which included writing a business plan for my final. But I digress. And as this post is too long as it is, I will continue in another.

Basically been AWOL and didn't even start a new challenge. These past few weeks have been really rough emotionally. Mr. Ravenclaw and I got into the worst fight of our marriage . . . lots of shame . . . at first I thought everything would be different for the worse, then we talked abit and I thought everything would be better than it had, but in reality it mostly seems like it just went back to where it was. Which was just neutral. Not exactly where I want to be. Anyway . . . The class I was in during my mom's visit (online college is 1 class every 5 weeks) was a business class. I LOVED it so much that I am now enrolled in the entrepreneurship certificate program (4 more business classes). That starts in 5 weeks, so I dropped the class I was enrolled in to start in this week and am taking a 5 week break. Very desperately needed. I'm quite emotionally overwhelmed at the moment.

The road trip was fun. I gained, but then lost some of it the first week back. But then this whole past month my mom has been visiting and we've been going out to eat several times a week and always have desert. I have no idea how much I gained but even my fat clothes don't fit. I refuse to get on the scale. If I had worked out, it may have helped, but of course I haven't worked out even once. My mom leaves Monday just as the new challenge starts, so my goal this challenge will just be to get back to where I was. We go away for a mini vacation the end of April so I'm not going to get on the scale until then . . . this way it doesn't depress/discourage me.

So first off for this challenge is to resume weight lifting. I did not lift almost all of last challenge. I had been doing well and then everything just went to pot. The most discouraging part is I don't know what triggered it unless it was simply getting too overwhelmed by writing projects and school. My non-fiction project was suppossed to be completed before I created this challenge, but alas, it still isn't quite done. I actually didn't drink last weekend at all (the first time I was successful at this goal!) but my weight still jumped up 5 pounds I guess because I made low-carb sugar cookies and low-carb brownies. But seriously -- 5 pounds??? I am so frustrated right now. I had been 162, now I'm seeing 168 on the scale which is so close to 170 when I was trying so hard to see the 150's, that any motivation to lift weights just evaporated. Especially since I'm about to go on a road trip with my mom. I feel as though it will be impossible to not come back and not be in the 170's. And after that, my mom will be staying with me for several weeks (at least the length of the rest of this challenge). So . . . . This challenge: 1st Week: Finish Non-fiction project 2nd Week: Don't gain weight on road trip! 3rd-5th Week: Get back into the habit of working out every day / finish 2nd non-fiction project / get dressed, maintain the house, eat supper in the dining room I think, if I can accomplish the above, I will be in a good head place. And of course, it would be really nice to end this challenge in the 150's.

2021 GOALS Goal #1: Musculation (weight lifting) — Continue my current routine of 40 reps 4-6x a week with a focus only on increasing weight rather than reps or sets Goal #2: Le régimé (diet) — During my weight loss phase (goal to lose 20-35 pounds), breakfast and lunch is a protein shake and dinner is vegetables w/ lean meat; dessert is 5 squares max of 90% cocoa chocolate. I would like to reach goal by my birthday (July 1). Goal #3: Je fais du yoga (doing yoga) — I want to incorporate some sort of stretching routine. My posture is horrid, and I am extremely tight, particularly in my hamstrings and lower back. I can't touch my toes. I can't bend backwards, and my hip flexors are so tight they actually give out every now and then and the pain is so great I am immobilized for a few minutes. I would like to be limber and graceful. Goal #4: D'eau (water) — I currently drink about 54 ounces of liquid a day, and my goal is to nearly double that (drink 90-100 ounces a day) SIDE QUESTS #1: La Toilette (grooming) — Actually wash my face in the morning and before bed as well as use a day and night cream. I've done a pretty good job of keeping my hair clean and styled ever since I got it cut, so def want to maintain that. I also bought a sugar scrub and have been exfoliating every time I shower . . . and make sure to enjoy the experience. As I mentioned, I revamped my wardrobe but need to continue putting in the effort to look nice even at home, let alone anytime I leave the house. #2: Le Maquillage (makeup) — Outside of errands, I want to put on makeup if I am going out, particular to an event with people I know. #3: Maîtresse de Maison (keeper of the house) — Maintain house organization. Particularly keep up with the kitchen and laundry (the banes of my existence). #4: L'art de table (the art of table) — Keep the dining room table clutter-free and make a point of eating supper there every night (and without commercial packing). #5: L'auteur (author) — My writing goals for this year are to finish two non-fiction books and one (hopefully two) novel(s). #6: Savior faire (social grace) — I want to read several books on the art of conversation since I basically say nothing when in social situations because I have trouble with chit chat.

Not very well. I am not sure what really happened. Everything just fell apart. I needed to get ahead in school because in 10 days I'm flying out to the east coast to join my mom on a road trip back here and I really fell behind on my non-fiction project. That has just made me so overwhelmed that nothing else is getting done. I haven't been cleaning up the kitchen after dinner every night, not keeping up with my hair, not getting dressed on days I don't leave the house, not working out, etc. I even stopped making my bed, which I had been doing quite regularly. And I've eaten an entire bar of chocolate the last 2 nights and will likely do the same tonight. On a good note, I did 3 weeks worth of homework (11 assignments) in 2 days. Now, I can return to my non-fiction project, and finish that up before my trip (hopefully even before then). After that, I am going to be much more diligent in keeping my projects more one-at-a-time so that I can stay on routine and keep up on all the new habits I am trying to incorporate. The weekend of January 16th was the last weekend I felt the "inner peace" that I have never in my life felt. I don't know if it was because I was eating grapes and cheese (carbs w/ serotonin precursor) at night. I feel like that alone could not be it; surely I've eaten grapes and cheese in the evenings over the course of my life. But something in my life the entire month of December and the first half of January was so in sync that my ADHD was "medicated." Maybe it was working out nearly every single day (though that would be surprising as my workouts are less than 10 minutes). Or maybe it was the clean house, and getting dressed, and doing my hair every day. Or maybe it was all of that . . . combined with not feeling rushed by school and projects. Maybe I just need to prioritize getting dressed and putting time into my appearance even at home. Maybe it was taking the time to read the French books or watch What Not To Wear or updating here whereas everything I've been doing lately in my "free time" is related to school or research. I won't list all my epic fails, since there are so many. I will just list the accomplishments. 1) As of last Friday morning, I was 162.0. I started this challenge at 167 (11th) and was likely around 170 on the 3rd. I have a feeling that the chocolate on the last 2 days may mean that I'm up to 163, but still, I did lose at least 4 pounds and likely 7. 2) I will finish my non-fiction project; it will not be part of the next challenge. Yay! 3) I mostly stuck to my diet (as can be demonstrated by the weight loss). 4) We ate at the dining room table nearly every night. All my goals for last challenge are 2021 goals, so they will stay the same. (Though obviously, a different writing project under L'auteur.) Hopefully my mom and grandmother visiting for 4 weeks won't wreck havoc too much with getting back into working out, since that needs to be my main priority. And hopefully I don't gain weight on the road trip. I have no idea what the plan is for eating (fast food?). I'm not going to set up my new challenge until February 14th since my writing project will be done at that point. And, then I leave on the 20th and will back on the 27th, so there won't be much (if any) updating NFR or working out while I'm gone.

So, I've not been on lately because I was feeling so down. And it has gotten worse since Sunday. Now, granted, it is that TOTM. But I really felt like it was more than just that. Because for the last 2 weeks, I have not had that inner calm I'd had since December. And for 2 weeks, I've had no motivation to workout. So I took out my calendar and scrolled though all my NFR challenge posts trying to figure out a pattern. In a roundabout way, while reading ADHD articles (to try to deal with something that happened Sunday and triggered all this getting worse), I figured something out. The ADHD brain (especially the unmedicated ADHD brain) seeks dopamine for energy and serotonin for calm. So I googled serotonin foods and dopamine foods. Turns out the body needs meat for dopamine (which I cut out and replaced with vegetable soups) and cheese, in combination with carbs, for serotonin. So yea, that would explain it. My eating cheese with fruits and veggies throughout the day, and cheese with meat and veggies for dinner, is how I unconsciously medicated / gave my brain what it was craving. The problem is, the reasons I cut my cheese was because I wasn't losing weight. But on a good note, tryptophan supplements will increase serotonin. And even better, I don't have that much I'm trying to lose so I won't have to take supplements for too long. As for energy, I'm not sure if the problem is not having meat in my vegetable soups (since my protein shakes are providing 60 grams throughout the day) or if it has more to do with staying up too late working on my non-fiction project (which, thank God, part 1, the harder part, of the edits are done!). So, I'm going to pick up a tryptophan supplement tonight and give that a few days. If the inner peace comes back but not the energy/motivation to work out (or if I lack of energy energy even more since tryptophan makes one tired), I will address the dopamine/energy issue.

163.4. I am very happy with that number. 2 full pounds loss despite drinking last weekend. I don't know if that means not drinking could eek out another 1.5 pounds to get me 159.9 next week, but I'm gonna really try to not drink this weekend just in case. Because it has to make some difference, even if it not a complete 1.5 difference. Hopefully, I'm making sense. I just go up. Haven't even had coffee yet. I fly across the country to join my mom on road trip back in 3 weeks. My biggest fear is that just like in October, when I finally reached 159 for vacation, that I will just gain it right back because of the vacation/break in the normal schedule. My mom is staying with us for several weeks (the month of March) so I'm hoping that despite the drastic difference in routine, I can jump right back into this diet. But it will be hard. I learned my love of food, snacking, binge-eating from my mom, lol.

164.4. That's exactly one pound down from last Friday's weight and official weight in is tomorrow, so hopefully I can squeeze out another half pound. But, at least it means that yes, I can have a carb or two, a very small dessert, and even drink and still lose weight, albeit slowly. I barely worked out this week too. Am still hoping to not drink this weekend, or at least not drink Friday night in the hopes that I can reach <159.9 sooner rather than later. We shall see. It's always easy to have self-control when it's not actually Friday, lol. But words cannot express how much better I feel emotionally (about everything), when I am closer to 150 than I am to 170.

I'm also discouraged because I don't really like barbell squats. I don't know why. And I'm become disinterested in deadlifts too. I loved barbells all last summer, so I don't know what the problem is. I still love barbells for upper body (OHP, chest press, etc.) but am considering doing some body weight floor exercises for my lower body.

So of course the scale jumped up 4 pounds after the weekend. It it goes down by 3 in the morning, I'll know it wasn't excess calories over the weekend but just salt, alcohol, etc. But if this Friday's weight is the same as last Friday's weight after a week of faithful dieting, I'll know that I'll have to diet over the weekends as well (rather than just maintain). And mostly, I'll know I need to stop saying I won't drink on weekends and actually not drink. Perhaps I need to say, I won't drink this weekend. Or, maybe even, I won't drink Friday night. Trying not to feel discouraged, but really wanting to fit into my clothes again. I've got to want the clothes more than I want to drink. Oh, and I tried copycat Outback onion petals in my air fryer tonight. A low carb version. And made the copycat dip which came out really well. I'm gonna try zucchini chips next.

Hahaha, you sound just like me!

That's what I've been doing this challenge as well (except for this past week). But will try to get back to that as well. Like you said, something is better than nothing and it helps keep the habit going.

AWESOME!!! Muscle definition! How much are you lifting? What exercises do you do? And the Tarot dude is amazing, by the way!!!

Yes, the potatoes/french fries came out beautifully crispy. I probably won't do them again any time soon because I'm trying to cut down on my carbs, but you just gave me the idea to check out Pinterest for veggie ideas in an air fryer. What do you use yours for?

So this weekend did not go quite as planned. I ended up not wearing the blazer even though it buttoned because it felt too conservative / not edgy enough. I wore my leather blazer instead with leather boots (instead of the planned heels) and braided my hair on one side to who off the undercut. Even though I cut my hair back in November, so few people have been attending church that the majority of people at the event Friday night were seeing it for the first time. I am so used to it by now, that I didn't really realize that and wasn't expecting all the "oh my gosh, you cut hair!!!" comments. So that was cool. I didn't eat ANYTHING while I was there, but at the end of the night took home one tiny dessert. I also tried 1/3 a chocolate chip cookie but didn't care for it so threw it out. The tiny dessert was a mini pecan pie thing that was amazing. At least it was tiny (2 inch diameter). The next night my in-laws sent over a few brownies with the boys (whom they had watched for the day) and I ate 2 of them (1 yesterday and 1 today). And today when I made the burgers and fries (trying out my new grill/air fryer combo), I made the burger on a roll in addition to the fries. I also drank both nights. Oh, and I had a few rice cakes last night. However, I also did 10km both Fri and Sat night on my stationary bike. And I lifted weights on Fri. Overall, if I wasn't attempting a rather strict weight loss diet it wasn't a bad weekend. And as long as I didn't undo my excellent week of dieting, I'm quite happy. My weight Sat morn was 165.0, and Fri morn was 165.4, so if I see <163.9 by next Friday morning, I'll know that I can have a few small treats, a carb or two, and drink and maintain the week's weight loss. Which really will be amazing considering how overwhelmed I feel right now with school and my writing project.

My new blazer buttons! It's funny because I forgot it wouldn't button and was trying on a dress I picked up from Goodwill today and put the blazer on over it and buttoned it to see how it looked with the dress when I suddenly remembered it didn't button last week (I've been wearing it open). The blazer was part of what I wanted to wear tomorrow night (my initial mini goal). I don't think any of my jeans fit yet though (had wanted to wear dark jeans, black blazer, and black heels), so I'll have to wear my "fat" jeans (super comfortable, but not really made out of denim ). Very happy to at least be heading in the right direction.

Yes and no. In the past, I have always only worked out when "on a diet." So, if I cheated on my diet, I didn't workout. If it was a holiday and I knew I'd be eating yummy treats, I didn't work out. Working out was something I did only good diet days. For 20+ years. Last challenge, I made a pact with myself that working out was just something I did -- to be strong, to live longer, to strengthen my bones, to remain active in my older years, to raise my metabolism, etc. I wanted to distant it from weight loss completely. Up until this week of discouragement, it worked. I worked out over Christmas. I worked out over New Years. I worked out whether I ate out, ordered a pizza, or whatever. This week has been both hectic (school resumed, my son's Autism therapy resumed, and I have a writing deadline which I've already missed so working on it as much as I can even until 1-2 am some nights). So, yes, I fell into old habits this week. Had the scale been going down, I would have pushed past the hecticness/overwhelmingness and worked out anyway, but cutting down on carbs and still not seeing a difference was just the thing that made being laziness in the evenings instead of working out easier. However, the scale has gone down on my "cutting out cheese diet." I saw 165.4 this morning. I've not seen anything less than 167 since November when I gained 10+ pounds in October. Once I hit about 162, some of my clothes will start fitting well again, and my motivation to workout will come back (if not sooner). Nearly all my clothes fit once I'm in the 150's, so I just got to stick with the no cheese for a bit, which is hard. But I can do it. I think. I mean, I know. And I'm only cutting out cheese Sun-Thurs anyway (this week is Mon-Fri just because my schedule is unusual), so I really need to just muster some self-discipline and remind myself that I really do want to be fit more than I want cheese. Or potatoes. Or a buttered roll. I really do. You can tell, right? Haha.

Ugh. 3 days now of not working out. This is the first from last challenge that I've not stuck to my schedule perfectly. Partly, it's because school started and my son's therapy restarted (after Christmas break) but the main part is because I'm rather discouraged at maintaining since November. However, I've done well on diet (Day 2) and if my weight starts to drop my motivation to workout will come back. On a side note, I've been wanting an air fryer for over a year and I bought one tonight. I am so happy. I'm going to try it out this weekend and let myself have a potato. I'll eat the accompanying burger on a low-carb wrap. At least, that's the plan right now, lol. I LOVE bread. And cheese. I was going to allow myself cheese on Friday night and Saturday, but was attempting to still cut out the carbs. But I have to try out the air fryer.

Oh, forgot to mention I'm going to attempt to cut my chocolate down to only 4 squares. There are 10 per bar, I would say I probably eat about 6-8 per evening. Part of me thinks this will not really be that difficult because I tend to eat it mindlessly. I'll break one square into 3-4 pieces, enjoy the first piece and the next thing I know there's no more broken pieces of chocolate near me. Repeat. So, I'm not sure that I even eat 4 squares mindfully, so if I can figure out how to make sure I eat it mindfully (I eat while watching TV or doing homework or working on a writing project or scrolling Pinterest), then in theory, it should feel like I'm eating more than usual. Again, in theory.

Ugh. After 10 days, it is quite obvious that I am not losing. I guess it's good that I'm maintaining, but it looks like I will have to go on a real weight loss diet, rather than just cutting some extra carbs and hoping the weight falls off due to lifting. O well. I know everyone says it comes down more to food than exercise but I was really hoping I was the exception to the rule, hahaha. So, I started today. I've now....horror of horrors!....cut out cheese. Sniff. Sniff. I love cheese. I eat several servings a day. I eat cheese with veggies. I eat cheese with fruit. I eat cheese with meat. When don't I eat cheese? Oh yea, with my morning coffee. Making dinner without cheese is extremely difficult. So tonight was French Onion soup with some collagen powder for added protein and 1 TB of sour cream so it didn't taste like seasoned beef consomme (since I had to forgo the provolone cheese). It was okay. Not sure how easy it will be to eat it (or things like it) for 4 weeks -- the length of my diet. But, we'll see. I chose 4 weeks because my mom and I are going to go on a road trip and she doesn't know I started vaping so I picked then to be fully weaned off. I'm already down to .75 nicotine now. I dropped down from 1.0 yesterday. I'll do .75 for about 2 weeks and then drop down to .5, which is how low I was last time I weaned myself off. Assuming I make it by mid-February as planned, I'll have been back on nicotine for just under a year. What does that have to do with my diet? As an ex-smoker, it's a lot easier to stick to your diet when you have a substitute dopamine-producer you can turn to -- especially when you are an unmedicated ADHD'er. So because cutting out cheese will drastically slash my calories, I'm dropping my lifting back down to just 40 reps. Is 4 weeks over yet? Ugh. I need to make a vision board or something, maybe a countdown calendar that will remind me why I'm not eating cheese. And remind me that not eating cheese is temporary. I've proven all of 2020 that I can maintain my weight, so not eating cheese is temporary. Must think of a way to remind brain of this when it goes into a cheese mania frenzy.

That's precisely while I'm cycling there . . . if I even do. There is no way I could stay motivated for a challenge that went over a year. I have a stationary bike I got for free so I'm going to attempt to put it to use.

The scale went up again. Which means I basically maintained. So apparently my body is going to resist all attempts to drop fat, defy science since I but out bread and potatoes and rice cakes and did extra workouts, and I worked out for nothing and I should binge eat everything in sight because this diet obviously sucks and I worked out and deprived myself for nothing, and I may as well enjoy myself and drink tonight too. That was actually my thought first this morning and I had to remind myself that I am no longer thinking that way. 1) I no longer workout to lose weight; I workout because it will keep me fit and mobile as I get older and it will maintain my weight since I like to eat 2) I am not really feeling deprived; I don't yet miss bread and potatoes so there is absolutely no reason to binge on them 3) Deciding to flood my liver with alcohol to punish my body for not losing weight is . . . irrational to say the least. I did not cut down on alcohol to lose weight (thought that will hopefully be a perk), I am cutting down on alcohol because I want to be healthy. So, like the mature adult that I am, I then took my waist measurement. It is down .5 inches. Assuming that Monday's measurement was correct, I HAD to have lost something. Whether that is water or fat or whatever, it clearly shows that at some point my weight did actually go down this week but for whatever reason it either isn't showing up on the scale yet OR Monday's weight should have been higher than it registered as and today's weight is actually a reflection of loss. Since I made such drastic changes to my diet last week, and since people tend to lose the most weight their first week on a new diet, I am going to mentally claim a 3 pound loss and assume that I was 170 (my weight last Friday morning) and that my current weight is 167. 4 (the lowest weight I saw this week) (Why it's been fluctuating between 167-168 since Monday morning, I have no idea, but perhaps I was dehydrated from drinking over the weekend . . . after all, it's probably ridiculous to think I lost 2 pounds over the weekend just because I cut out rice cakes. But that's where my head was all week and why I thought, oh, if my body drops 2 pounds just from not eating rice cakes over 2 nights, what could it do if I cut out all breads and potatoes all week long??? The mature adult within shall no longer indulge such wild flights of fancy.)