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About Hiraedd

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    The Conqueress
  • Birthday April 24

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  1. Hi all! Things have been really busy here, so I'll avoid the day-by-day breakdown and just go for a summary with some highlights. 1. Morning Personal Wellness Ranging from -1 to 4 2. One or two pages of Self Esteem work each day that I am able done 4 days 3. Abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation as needed I think I prefer this as a daily habit, so I'm switching it up. At least once every day and as needed. 4. Evening Personal Wellness Ranging from -1 to 3 As you can see I had a couple of really difficult days. I met a friend in the city (3 hours away) for a visit. I needed 3 naps during the day to deal with all the social interaction and 2 breaks on the way home (it took me 5 hours instead of 3), but I did it, listening to my body and taking breaks when I needed to. I saw a dear friend whom I haven't seen since November and even though it took me two days to recover afterwards, I am glad I did it. The Self Esteem work is hard. I had to confront the fact that according to the book I am still mildly depressed and severely anxious even though I'm on medication. In reality this is not news but somehow seeing it in black and white was difficult. The book has been helpful already though. One incident in particular comes to mind: I was working on an outdoor project the day after I'd come back from visiting my friend in the city. My dog kept getting in the way and making a mess. I was angry at him, but then realized that it wasn't his behaviour that was making me angry: he always does that (he's partially blind and very clumsy but very loving, hence being in the middle of my project). It was me already feeling low that caused me to react that way when normally I would laugh it off and give him some love. This is something the self esteem work has been focusing on: recognizing where the feelings are coming from. Thank you so much, Fearkiller. The cuddlehugs and words are so soothing to my ragged heart today. You are so sweet. Right back at you. Hope you and snowdrop are well! I hope you are all well. I love you all, Hira
  2. Hey all. Late to the party, but I'm trying again. It's been hard ever since my breakdown in May and although I've made some progress with counseling and medication I'm still mildly depressed and seriously anxious. My counselor has given me a book called 10 days to self esteem, because she believes this is a major contributing factor in my struggles (or rather the lack of it). So here's what it looks like: 1. Morning Personal Wellness 2. One or two pages of Self Esteem work each day that I am able 3. Abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation as needed 4. Evening Personal Wellness I will update with more tomorrow, as this is all I have energy for. Love, Hira
  3. Is it just me, or is this rebooting hard stuff? You did a brilliant job of it, though!! I'm trying again and will post a link when I get it sorted
  4. Sigh. This has been a difficult time, with spots of goodness. I continue to continue on. I'm late to the party again, but I think I will still put in a new challenge.
  5. I love you too!! Thanks for the encouragement, Cid! I appreciate being able to count on you. Thanks, Eirlys! I want to learn to see myself the way you see me. LOL. I wish it was that simple. However it is a good reminder. For me it's being angry at myself, so I'll paraphrase it with that "If you can solve your problem what is the need of being angry at yourself? And if you can't solve your problem what is the use of being angry at yourself?" Thanks, Fearkiller. *hug* Nice to meet you, Snarky. (Do you mind if I call you Snarky?) High fives and goat love appreciated, if unexpected. I love the idea that this is my phoenix moment. I'm going to need some more thinking on that. What day is it today? Friday? Wow. Where did the week go? Happy Canada Day, peoples Thursday - PWB 5. Painted deck spindles. Painted frame. Recoated pergola posts. Angry, want to destroy something and then cry by afternoon. Went to gym instead: Cardio ( 30 min @ 2.3 mph on the treadmill, 10 minutes of easy rowing), stretching. Abdominal breathing done during exercise, like walking yoga seemed to help. Progressive muscle relaxation to sleep. I noticed that the day I ended up hating on myself was a day I forgot to do the Personal Well Being (PWB) in the morning. I also noticed that I was angry at myself for spending too much money but that as soon as I got more money I wanted to spend it. I think it's a subtle form of self-harm, like wanting to eat things I know will make me ill. I am using the same words (I don't treat myself that way) to deal with it and it seems to be somewhat better. I think that seeking comfort in buying things or in food are symptoms of already being overwhelmed, and that I need to learn the signs that come before them if I really want to deal with those habits -- beating myself up over the symptoms isn't going to make me better. Today - PWB 4. Awake early and ready to go. Spent the day organizing and helping my father make a 65 year old tractor run. Too tired for gym, so lifting is moved to tomorrow. Abdominal breathing done. Writing today for the first time all week -- I have been too tender from my last counseling session to attempt it. Today's writing was about recognizing how I need external affirmation and accepting that it was a piece of the puzzle that is me. whether I like it or not. Love you all. Thank you for the cheering and encouragement. It brightens my soul. -H
  6. This is something I struggle with. I tend to let go of the good (or at least push it aside) and focus on the imperfections. Apparently recognizing that is an important step, but it feels like not enough. I will keep working on it. Thanks, Tank. I needed that. For some reason I tend to define myself by my mistakes and weaknesses rather than by my strengths. This is exactly how I want to be; not on watch but at rest. I am going to print out these words and read them as part of a new initiative I'm calling "treat myself lovingly".
  7. Painted part of the deck this AM, second coat. Painted first coat on outdoor rocking chair. Ate a real breakfast (omlette, hash browns). Had like 4 cups of caffeinated beverages to try to beat the heat...unsucessfully. Feeling really terrible about myself at the moment. Spent money I should have saved and am beating myself up being so impulsive. (Which, now that I look at my day, may have something to do with the caffeine...). Abdominal breathing done. Went to the gm today -- lifting. Struggling not to hate myself. Today it's a losing battle. -H
  8. It's funny how much of my self worth I have tied up in what I do, as though I'm a human doing and not a human being. If I'm not accomplishing something -- anything -- then I feel like I'm a waste of skin. I'm making a note of that to talk with the counselor about. Okay: the last few days. Thursday -- personal well-being 2 (on scale of 0-10, 0 being "completely fragile" and 10 being "take on the world"; my newest activity from the counselor). Moved lifting to Saturday. Vegged out. Personal well being at night 3. Friday -- personal well-being (PWB) 3. Cardio. Personal well-being at night 6. Saturday -- PWB 3. Lifting. PWB @ night 4. Sunday -- PWB 3. Went to church early to avoid crowd. Sat alone in private room. Still got overwhelmed. Left in middle of service. On the win side, told myself "you can do this. But it's also okay if you can't do this." I am slowly, very slowly, learning. Very very slowly. Played a game of DC Blue Box with my daughter. Daughter left for 2 weeks and I pushed all the feels away because I didn't want to be that sad. At least I recognized I was numbing myself, right? PWB at night, 0. Monday -- PWB 4. Drove to old property and cut the grass for mom and dad. (took 2 hours = cardio). Bought a push mower (no engine) for back yard. Cut back yard (10 min). Now it's time to eat more than a protein shake and do some writing. -H
  9. So...how's it going? You can do this -H
  10. Counselling today...it always leaves me a little raw. Followed it with a massage. Still feeling fragile so I'm skipping today's cardio and rescheduling it for Friday. Writing this morning was about how love takes away fear and my job was to write about what I wanted to stop being afraid of. The list was fairly substantial. SnowOwl, it's nice to meet you. Thanks for passing on that great quote. Heidi, Tank, Fearkiller *squishy hug* Cid! So glad that you're giving it another round with me. I really adore you all. -H
  11. Great challenge! Now if only I still had my guildmastery powers I could move the thread for you. Glad you're back in, Cid. Thanks for stumbling along with me. -H
  12. Thank you all for being a soft place to land. I am blessed by you. I have printed out your words to hang up or write on my mirror to keep reminding me of positive things. I went for a walk with a friend today, so cardio check one. And at this point for writing it's all about healing. Today's topic was about how love heals and love renews and my job was to write about what I wanted healed and renewed in my life. I hope someday to finally be able to end my story, Fearkiller, and then I promise you'll be on the list to read it, even if I never do anything more than enjoy writing it. -H
  13. Thank you!! Heidi, Eirlys, I missed you! I felt really guilty for disappearing on you two years ago, though, and it definitely kept me from coming back. Your sweet responses have soothed a sore spot on my soul. It's like a warm hug to show up here and be welcomed back so wonderfully. It was just what I needed. Thank you. Nice to meet you Jedediah. Glad you're along for the ride. As for looking after me, today I did PMR once and am off to do lifting in about an hour. My daughter (no longer so little at 14!) is coming with me. I am looking for some great affirmation phrases to put up around my house because I'm stuck in some negative patterns. If any of you have suggestions I'd love to hear them (things that work for you, etc). Love, H
  14. Thanks, guys. And Fearkiller, I'm sorry that you know how it feels but at the same time I'm relieved that I don't have to make you understand it. I had no intentions of acting on them which is why I went to the hospital but they were still hands down some of the scariest things that have happened in my life...and that's saying something. I am continuing to work at it and have respawned. You can find me in the druids, although I'll still be updating here too. There are not enough words for my thankfulness for your care and support through this.
  15. Hi. *waves* Hope you guys don't mind me parking here for the challenge I'll be pretty quiet -- I'm still getting used to social interaction again. Some background: I recently had a major breakdown after a rough few years struggle with depression. I am under the care of a whole host of medical professionals, and am trying to find my new normal. In that process I have to learn to look after myself. Things I'm trying to do: (Isn't that funny? I can't seem to call them goals right now. Oh well.) 1) Progressive Muscle Relaxation 2) Abdominal Breathing 3) Lifting weights two days a week (following New Rules of Lifting for Women) 4) Cardio two days a week 5) writing daily That's about it. Scant details, I know, but I am trying not to overthink things and then not post this. So I think I'll just post it and tweak afterwards. -H
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