Search the Community

Not sure what this challenge holds for me, so I'm coming in with an open heart. Stay tuned, because this is the mindset that usually means the doors get blown off. ❤️

"But if you can survive mentally tearing yourself apart for decades, you can survive confronting that, in whatever form that takes." Mark Bradley, Creator of Bugbops I had posted a challenge last night, and Tank and Deffy pointed out that I was projecting. I had to admit that I wasn't feeling very genuine in my first topic, and I took some time to really assess what I was trying to say. Mark Bradley, creator of Bugbops posted a thread on Twitter about suicide awareness and it really resonated. Not the suicide part, but the depression and how sometimes the way we look at things isn't what's actually happening. Here we see Bumble and Gloomer, and there's also a character named Snug who gets anxious that I also love. You look at this comic, and you can feel the compassion radiating off the page. I love it so much. I'm not okay right now. I need to do more in my life, and the idea of actually doing any of it makes me want to cry and go back to bed. I'm sad, it's fogging up my worldview, and I need some time (and glitter) to work through it. For this challenge, my goals are: Keep a throwaway journal. When I was a teenager, I had a journal for keeping, and a journal for throwing away. The journal for keeps was about things that happened that I wanted to remember later, and the throwaway was all the thoughts and feelings and where the real work happened. I usually held onto it for a while just to remind myself, and I could go back and write notes about how I felt looking back and the reality of the situation. And when I was done with it, I'd throw it away and get a new one. I stopped doing this in college, because roommates, and never really picked it back up. I'm going to start again. Meditate. I sit in this chair and stare out the window, so I can easily set down my laptop, close my eyes and meditate for a while. I think it will be helpful, and the days I can't get through it, I have the Balance app to guide me. Make the Bed every day. My dad always says that making the bed preserves civilization and prevents its collapse. If he waits until the afternoon, he says "I must go restore civilization as we know it!" and we all know he's going to make the bed. I love this. I don't make my bed. I find it too much. But if I can make the bed, then civilization will be saved for another day, and we cannot let it collapse because I'm feeling sad.

Hi Druids!! I thought I would come feed from the fountain of wisdom and acceptance. The Scouts has been my home for over a year, with no regrets. But right now, I need Druids around me, showing me ways to be with myself in a loving and growing way. So thank you ahead of time for your support. Rough Draft of Challenge: water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PT exercises new fun foods inner clarity through therapy, meditation, and rituals. writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have signed up for the NaNo. Yay! I am reworking my stat points as I lost track about 3 challenges back so I hope to have that info up in the next few weeks. And I will post my beginning measurements and weight. Weight is not for how much I lose, but as a sign that I'm not eating too poorly. So a few tenths of a pounds reduction and a loose feeling tummy will be good signs that I'm in the good groove. More later. It's good to be here! Cheers

A fair warning: This thread may still contain thoughts of suicide, depression, and dark and sad emotions. I feel I cannot and do not want to clean those away. To me, fluffing it away would be a another kind of lie. It is not wise to be so immensely honest. I probably going to tell things other people would think thrice to tell anyone. If I ever am going to make waves and go out in the public to do great things, some bastard (or worse...) is going to look out for my weaknesses, and use them against me. There are people like that. But there is also people who this will help, and give strength to, and make lives more loving and beautiful! Those I help, even only a few, are more important than some hurtful S.O.D delibrately looking out ways to hurt other people. Or my personal hurt, if that happened. But what if this will be used to hurt those I love? That's what I'm scared for. After you've read this, I would appreciate help about this matter. I am so young I do not know the dynamics of the Internet. At which point doing what feels right meet the limits of caution of common sense? The worst case scenario: If I was a parent, and a random jackass came and said: "Yeah, your son had depression and suicidal thoughts, right? So did you fail as a parent?" it would hurt tehm like seven hells... And even if they would understand my need for excruciating honesty, it would still hurt them badly. ----------------------------------------- Brene Brown's work inspired this challenge, and I am grateful for stumbling into her talks. http://blog.ted.com/2012/03/16/being-vulnerable-about-vulnerability-qa-with-brene-brown/ https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame I try convey the impression she has had through this challenge write up, but it will be imperfect. Things marked in this post "in quotes" are all direct quotes from Brene. *breathe...* Getting a name for the core fear of myself, the fear of vulnerability and shame, felt so real and important, and also really icy fear scary. I have big issues with this, but I know there's a way out, and I will love myself. I know that. It ain't easy, but I know I can do it. Do you know those people who like to hurt other people from the sheer joy of it? My inner critic, Demonemon I named him, is one of those. And he is a part of me, because if I curl up, put up walls and nurse my hurt and let it all get to the point of... You see where this is going? Not pretty. I will very easily remember again I am not good enough, I am a bad person, good for nothing, I am not worthy of love... Hypocrite. Hurting other people. Dark dark dark. It is a lie, I know, but it hurts the same as someone came and dug up one of the worst things from the box of hurts you keep locked... Those sudden times, I am not strong enough to believe it. But oftentimes, I can also love myself! You know, the amazing feeling of "worthy of loving and belonging" "I am enough", I am a good person. I can take mistakes, make the best of despite them and find good sides of almost all of my darkest thoughts... And forgive myself. 1) Go to work every day, on time and do productive work and the best I can. My practical placement is 5 months, and I know I will inevitably screw up, and it will feel like the whole world at the time. It is not. Whatever I feel, I will go to work and do good work, because I cannot let my personal pain hurt other people. I need an immensely good, indefiable reason not to go. And 99% of the time it is not, even if it feels like it. 2) [Reddit post Ryans gospel -> http://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbxvz/the_gospel_of_uryans01_helpful_advice_for_anyone Okay, this quote is from Ryan: "Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. -- -- Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget." So, Non-zero for me is either: be something where I face my shame/vulnerablity or do something definitive towards my dreams, or otherwise do something I would regret not doing. But despite what was said, my self worth is not tied to achieving. List of things to count, but depends from the best I can do at the given day: This doesn't work, but I am too tired to change - I look at the list, and I am already overwhelmed by it, because most of the things has to be done consistently or they do not matter enough. And I cannot do it all consistently, just too much. It is a giant, terrifying 'if I do all this, I am good enough' to-do list from hell. ... Write something of your own. Plan the trip abroad a bit. Practice Japanese. Visit a gym to ask if they have personal trainers to teach me bodyweight exercises. Find a traceur(s) to practice parkour with from my hometown. Work out. Cook a new recipe/eat a helthy meal. Reach out to people, old friends and new ones. Reach out of my way to help someone. Reveal an idea I might get negative feedback from. Do something differently. Stand out and make waves. 3) I will strive to love myself fully, flaws and the good and bad and the whole package that is me, so that feeling is not dependent about anything happening outside me "You are worthy of love and belonging" - Starting by completing her worksheet full of important and difficult questions about shame 4) I will continue the Zenhabits 1000 cuts fitness program (fitness things in manageable chunks spread throughout the day) It is easy, and making results. The goal is to make it consistent throughout the challenge and make at least 120 fitness-things.