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I know what I'm doing! Kicking it off with the first Nerd Fitness Challenge! I attempted a challenge last month in the midst of the holiday craziness, and it didn't turn out well. There was just too much going on at once, and attempting to juggle a challenge? I was driving myself insane. But I'm not giving up! I never want to give up and stop trying. I will continue to come back, push through challenges, ask for help and motivation, and keep my chin up until I have built a concrete and successful routine to better my lifestyle. I did a lot of reflecting on what I need to do in a Respawn Point post, and I plan to dutifully stick to everything as much as I can. I can say that, on an emotional/mental level, I've been doing pretty good! I have been doing things to keep a smile on my face. I'm still learning to accept that being a sensitive individual is NOT a bad thing. I'm no longer pushing myself into social situations that I absolutely do NOT want to be in. Would it be nice to have a few folks to hang out with outside my family? Maybe, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't need to do that. The times I have gone out in an attempt to meet folks, I just didn't enjoy it. I tried to tell myself and others that I did, but I was trying to make my self-conscious believe it so that I would keep trying I guess. Our brain works in funny ways like that. I've also been fighting with a lot of past events that I still seem to fall back on at the oddest of times. Bad ex-roommate/friend situations, bad job situations, and just bad or sad things in general. I'm not sure why, but it happens every now and again. There were times when I felt guilty about the roommate/friend ordeal, but I have started down the path that I cannot and should not carry blame. I know, in my heart, that I did everything and anything I could for said group of people. I was there when they needed me, took care of them when they needed it, and gave far more than I should have. In the end, I was labeled as the bad friend, but I know the truth. I know what really happened, and that is what I'm going to remember. As for my work situation, I was not happy with my job. I didn't really like my job. It was stressful (probably too stressful for what I was getting into mentally) and just put a lot of pressure on me. I stayed there because it paid very well, offered me a lot of perks, and I was able to work remotely. I was able to visit family during holidays, and stay for a long period of time. In the end, I just couldn't handle it. Not in the state that I was. I am letting go of these things - these feelings and regrets - and not looking back. I am going to continue to look forward. I am going to learn from these lessons and work to be a better me! ALL OF THAT SAID: 2016? And now I move on! QUEST ONE: YOU BETTER WORK, WORK IT GIRL! I found three workouts that I wanted to do in order to start building up some stamina, muscle, endurance, and what not on Darebees. I plan on revisiting these three workouts as they are good for beginners. This quest is going to help me get back into a exercise routine while burning some calories, greasing up rusty muscles, and hopefully boosting my energy levels! I am also going to incorporate one day of yoga a week. This should help me work on my flexibility, maintain some good energy vibes, and possibly help with some lower back pain. THREE TIMES A WEEK: cardio inc workout | slow burn workout | mermaid workout ONCE A WEEK: various beginner yoga sequences QUEST TWO: MILLIONS OF PEACHES, PEACHES FOR ME! TRACK YO FOOD. That is literally what my second quest is going to be. When I was tracking my food, I was eating better. I was junk fooding less. I was just feeling better because I wasn't eating so much. I know that, in the past so many months, I have gained a lot of weight from overeating. Some of it has been stress eating. Some has been eating out of boredom (which is the WORST). There are a lot of things, but the most important thing is that I get back into tracking what I'm eating. Whether it's through My Fitness Pal, in a notebook, in a Google Doc; RECORD IT. Also, record how much water I'm drinking. I was drinking LOTS of water, but have been slacking. I also need to cut back on my soda drinking. It hasn't gotten out of hand, but I want to go down to one a week. I was down to drinking no soda, but I do enjoy Ginger Ale or Sprite every now and again. TRACK ALL FOOD. ONE SODA A WEEK. MORE WATER. QUEST THREE: OOH-OO CHILD, THINGS ARE GONNA GET EASIER! This one contains a WHOLE LOT of things that, I think, will make life EASIER and BRIGHTER. I may also have been watching Guardians of the Galaxy while writing this up. EITHER WAY? IT WORKS. I want to take time out to just make ME feel better. I want to make OTHERS feel better. I want to take better care of myself and not feel so G R O S S in so many words. Whether it's painting my nails, doing one of my Craftsy classes, working on crafts, or watching a silly movie that I love, I NEED TO DO THIS. I also want to do all of this with MY MOM. She needs lots of laughter and smiles right now and always. If I can keep my spirits up and keep myself in a good place, that will help HER be in a good place. See? IT WILL GET EASIER AND BRIGHTER! DO FUN THINGS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. (Once a day, a few times a week, WHATEVER! Just do it.) GET OUT OF YOUR JIMMYJAMS. (Even if it's to put on sweatpants or leggings or whatever! Brush your hair, take a few minutes to reflect, and smile!) YOU ARE IMPORTANT. (Take better care of yourself, girlfriend. You deserve it!) EXTRA: YOU CAN COLOR MY WORLD WITH HAPPINESS ALL THE WAY! As my extra, I keep picking up and putting down my sketch pads with little to nothing to show for it. My creativity and inspiration is very low almost like that weird snow you get on bad channels. STATIC! It's very frustrating because it use to be on HIGH ALERT for a long time. Apparently anti-depression medication (and medication that messes with your head in general) can cause this to happen. I don't want to force it because then it's not fun, but I want to get SOMETHING going. I've been poking around in my "ADULT" coloring books and working with color palettes. I need to find something to give me a bit of a jump start. There are a lot of challenges, inspirations, and what not on Pinterest and Instagram that I might look through. See what speaks to me and everything. I am ALSO trying to do a silly selfie a day through 2017 on Instagram! I just want to bring happiness and smiles to others, and remind myself not to take everything too seriously. I'm having a lot of fun with it so far. I'm even using some great Snapchat filters to add a little VA VA VOOM to them. It's great because the feeling of laughing just makes the day better. I'm very excited about really taking this challenge and owning it like a champ! I know I have a lot of great folks here to help me along the way, and to help me keep my rear in gear!

At the start of this new challenge, I'm afraid I'll have to be completely off goal on a few things, because I don't expect I'll get much reading or smart eating done when I'm in Disneyland! I'm immensely nerv-cited about this trip. It's not the first time I've gone away by myself, but it's the next step on that series of quests in my life. I'm not good at planning nice things for myself. I'm not good at spending time and money on myself, and truly seeking out joy. I began putting the idea out there when I first joined NF, of trying to go and do amazing things just because I want them. That resulted in flying to a new city, all on my own, to see a live show of a podcast. It was a great time, and it started giving me travel and social confidence. I won't deny it's been hard, yet amazing, for my anxiety. The next big trip took some time to happen, but Camp presented itself as a perfect option. It was a controlled environment, which felt safe, with lots more strangers than I would have interacted with normally, which scared the pants off me. But I went, and found people that were supportive and loving and incredible, and doing these amazing things for myself, taking up space in the world and pursuing the things that I love, began to feel possible. Camp helped me find my bravery again. Camp helped me see how to dream big again. So, I want to take myself to Disneyland. And I deserve to take myself to Disneyland. And I'm going to take Character selfies and eat glorious food and have all of the magical fun. But I need to be honest in a big, weird way here. I'm never someone who does things this big on a whim; the time of year isn't without purpose, and neither is the choice of destination. Going to Mesa in the spring for a podcast was arbitrary. This date is not. This date, eight years ago, used to mean something. This being the first anniversary of that day since the divorce, I find myself needing to take it back, to be somewhere not my home town, but also somewhere that would feel safe, happy, inclusive. I wanted to go back to Disney, somehow. For New Readers, Disney World was how I met my ex. I went there, not to pursue love, but to pursue a new experience: the internship away from home. I grew up in Huntington Beach, CA, and Disneyland was a shining part of my childhood. I wanted to work for them. I wanted to be inside the magic. I had my own reasons for going to Orlando. I loved Disney on my own, and I wanted to reconnect with that. I couldn't let this person take away a place that is so big and magical and shiny for me. I couldn't. I'm scared that I'll feel lonely, instead of alone. I have to remind myself that I went to the internship barely knowing another soul, ready to work in the parks and live with strangers. I think I'm scared now because I don't have the job as an excuse, I don't have busy friends or roommates as the reason I'm alone. I'm going by myself because I wanted to go and it was a trip that I need to do on my own, a time of year I need to spend more on my own. I don't need to worry about arguing over rides or food or show times. I can just enjoy myself. And that's a scary thing for me. I'm writing this out and trying to be as forthcoming about this as possible, because it feels important to explain myself. I know on some level I've been needing the external justification from Ifrit, how I deserve to have good, fun things. I'm here sharing with my Nerds because you guys helped me get here. You helped me see that taking up space and seeking joy are necessary. You helped me be patient and gentle with myself, and learn to do the things that will help me heal and grow. I'll be flying out Monday and coming back Wednesday to begin tracking all my main goals. I'll consider any steps from the Parks as bonus exercise. I cannot promise I won't eat seven beignets for breakfast. (Additionally, I chose the challenge title from Sigma's new single featuring Birdy. The lyrics and video are powerful, to say the least.) Our Cast of Characters: Merrin: Me! 31 years old, foodie, soda free for 1.5 years, lover of avocados and bacon, Ravenpuff, passionate about sewing, bubbly introvert, depressive, baker of cookies. Rebecca: The name for my Depression; the Monster I frequently try to kiss on the nose. Ifrit: Boyfriend! Main supportive force, disliker of avocados, expert bacon cook, incredibly weird, incredibly intelligent, Slytherin, introvert, archery master, stealer of snuggles. Part-Time Spare Spoons Puppy: only the best and sweetest and smartest dog ever, tolerant of hugs, fetcher of rope, murderer of sticks, giver of snuggles. This Month's Focus Darebees: Daily as possible. Hoping for Bronze level. Paleo: 1 fresh meal per day, including days off. Keep carbs/snacks (-fiber) at 100g maximum. Sewing: 1 hour minimum nights off for various production. Check lighting/fan set-up. BBW: Mondays and Fridays. Reading: 1 hour per work shift. Adulting: laundry on Tuesdays, floors on Thursdays, kitchen daily. Journal: bullet items as needed, daily summary post on here.