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  1. Hi y'all, My story starts off with a cliche. About a week and a half ago, my partner of almost eight years proposed and I accepted. For the first time in a long time, I felt so happy and excited and hopeful. Like there were things to look forward to again. I looked around my house and realized, I need to get my shit together. Suddenly, I wanted to be better, for the sake of myself, for him, and for our impending marriage. Let me back up a little. I've been seriously depressed since at least 2012, if not before. Around that time I was living with my parents, struggling to finish my degree, working a restaurant job I hated, all while my dad was undergoing treatment for colon cancer. I witnessed first hand my dad's suffering through harsh treatments and his disease while the rest of my family members grieved. I did my best to help out my family as a way to cope with my grief, but looking back that was one of the darkest times of my life. When my dad eventually died I was relieved. I finally felt that there might be an end to the suffering one day. When he died I was unemployed and living with my partner. For five months after that I did little besides lay in bed. I didn't go outside at all that summer. Eventually I realized I need to return to life and I went to the doctor to seek antidepressants. I got some medication and a month later I was hired with two jobs, both outside of the restaurant industry and in the job sector I really wanted to work in. For about a year now I've been working full-time, still dealing with depression, but managing it through medication and therapy. I didn't realize what a funk I was still in until we decided to get married, and suddenly it was as if the clouds had parted and I remembered what all there is to life again. I remembered that I haven't even hit all the good parts of life yet. And suddenly, I wanted to lose weight. I am a recovered overeater and undereater: basically fat person former dieter with eating issues. It has taken me so long to lose the diet mentality and even though I am excited about getting healthy, I am very nervous that if I start dieting and exercising again it will resurrect some of my old issues. The other piece is that I have failed many, many times to lose weight, and I am now at my highest weight ever. I am afraid of failing another time. Right now I'm still in the contemplation stage. I am interested in a paleo diet because it seems to be efficient for building muscle and losing weight, and also because I am all about cooking at home and using whole foods rather than diet foods. I am nervous about food restriction. I think for exercise I want to start with body weight exercising and move on to lifting, because it seems to be most efficient, but I'm nervous about getting started. Basically I am super weak right now, from years of being basically sedentary, and I have an old knee injury that I'm afraid of aggravating. I would like to eventually add some cardio, like running or swimming, but I feel like making all of these changes would be a tall order for just getting started. Writing this down is my baby step for today. I think it might make sense to take pictures and keep track of my weight and measurements--maybe I can work up the courage to do that later this week.
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