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  1. So I have been doing the challenge work for over a week. I started last Saturday. But I couldn’t bring myself to write the post for it. Then Friday through Monday this week I stopped because, well life is hard and I am tired, out of spoons. Just couldn’t. Last challenge took a ton out of me. I am TIRED. I had some major stress happen last challenge and well, I am not okay. Short version is work got TOXIC and Hostile. HR is involved, and while I should not have anything coming back on me as far as discipline, it has made going to work the hardest thing ever for like 3 months. Plus it is all anyone talks about now. And they want to know what happened, and they want to know if I am okay. I will admit, for the 3rd time in my life, I let someone abuse me. I fell for it. I should of known better. I have been trying to heal for over a month. I know this won’t “go away instantly” but I want to be better. Meanwhile, because the source of the issues from work is not currently working, all their work comes to me. I can’t see what they had going, or where things I need are, but I have been told “I am now the lead on coding.” I am 2 years out of college and the only programmer. Guy that isn’t there, is not organized and we have a ton of deadlines that are not miss able in JULY. Boss is at least being cool, but until I see what is going on, I will not not be anxious about this. Yes, it is a different level of stress, and a smaller one, but its still weighing on me. The Mom issue is still well, an issue. Her Texts are getting more passive aggressive. I took her a plant and a card on Moms day, more out of routine, but I didn’t visit or talk. Bio Brother asked 9 days ago if anything had been resolved with Mom, and when I responded he never even sent a 2nd text. I can deal with her, but Hubby’s family asked about her today, and I got all weird and defensive. Hubby said he was sorry about that, and he told them not to, but they don’t listen. I am tired. I have not been sleeping. Turns out I can take 1 mg Melatonin and sleep for 11+ hours, but I can’t do that on work nights. My nightmares are back, I had an anxiety moment at work that I upset boss (I went and talked to him, I didn’t, but I explained I just wasn’t sure and wanted to make sure the air was clear) but I have no confidence. I have no strength left. I am just tired and I need to heal. I need to heal from the trauma at work. It was trauma. I am still asking people to walk to me to my car. I am still walking around making sure he isn’t there. I need to heal from the Trauma of my mom ,and not let someone asking “So how is she doing” upset me so bad. I need to heal from the point before things started to get better where the dark of Depression had no light. I need to heal from being so mad at myself for never stopping any of this. I need to heal from spraining my big toe chasing Agent Ninja when she got out. So that’s what I am trying to do. Yes, I am doing my boxes and trying to do points and I am walking so much (to process and deal with anxiety), but I would love to say “Hey, this is the road to heal real fast” but that road doesn’t really exist. So I am fumbling through healing. I am hoping to be here more, I am hoping I can do boxes to prove I can do things right and that I am not lazy, stupid, old, worthless, ect. But right now, I just want each day to even slightly better than the day before. Really, I just want to be okay. Please don't expect fun gifs or stories here. I don't know what this will look like, but please be kind and supportive. That is what I am hoping for here.
  2. Hi all For those new to our story, So update for all. The last challenge was full of drama and chaos. I am still awaiting Mom’s reaction to my refusal to talk to her. Hubby fell and got hurt, we lost our Agent K9 (all in 24 hours). At the end of the challenge, Hubby got hurt a different way, I am even more out of shape than I can be and things are starting to hurt that shouldn’t and work decided to get even more stupid with 2 os I am tired, I am drained and there is no good way to put it. That being said, I am trying to find a way to get past this point so maybe I can make progress. There are 2 parts here. A) 0 Week I am on spring break so no work, and no school for Youngest Agent. Tuesday was “National Goof off day” and also a planned sloth day. The bigger part of this is that Friday through Sunday I will be going to see my chosen family. It will be a short trip, but we will see at least a couple of my sisters, my neicelings and hopefully recharge there. Seeing my family that loves me always helps. So week 0 will be mostly a “real” week, but with a few days (Tues, And the trip) where boxes do not count The second part is going to be trying to get back on a real schedule. One where there are bedtimes, and routines and not being so “What is going on?” This will help me get a solid idea of what is going on. This has started to happen last challenge, but there were too many chaos moments that we couldn’t control that affected this. Having Hubby get hurt seriously didn’t help. So big thing here will be stay on target. So yeah, this whole challenge will be about resting, recharging and getting myself where I feel I can make progress and maybe get my anxiety and depression back under control. I am still doing my boxes, I added a couple more per day, but basically it is very similar to last challenge. Now to not give up and just nope out. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 17 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 4 1 Leg lifts 4 1 Reverse sit ups 1 Sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 Raised Arm Circles 1 Torso Twists 1 Bicep Extenstions 1 Table plank 1 Bicep Curls with Weights (3 lb) 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side Lunges 1 Desk Push Ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 23 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the Dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Tricep Stretch 1 Wall Stand 1 Bridge 1 Calf stretch Do 6 1 Ballet 1 Toe Touch 1 Cresent Moon pose 6.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder Stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Shoulder Rotations 1 Quad Stretch 1 Side Stretch 1 Forward Bend Life and Family 1 Floss in morning 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Take Morning Vitamins 1 Find one way I am not like mom 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 Brush Puppy 1 Check Dad's email 34 1 Check ordering account 1 Japanese Practice 1 Check Seedlings 1 Only play game on phone one time a day at home 1 Text/Talk to one Choosen family member a day 1 Relax my shoulders 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Nightly downtime 1 Be in bed by 10:30 1 Put lotion on legs 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Floss after work Do 13 1 Floss before bed 1 Talk to Hubby 1 Water 1 inside plant 1 Take Bloodpressure 1 Do one "do that already" jobs 13 1 One good thing 1 Walk garden once a day 1 Puppy Preparing/Training 1 Weed for 5 minutes 1 Use Breathing app for Anxiety 1 if headache, put on headache salve 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula 1 Island 1 Table Clean all these daily 1 Half wall 16 1 Desk 1 Computer room ottoman 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 6 1 Bathroom down 6 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Grandpa's table 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 13 1 Basement 1 Random organizing project Do 4 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Empty out car daily 1 Clean our bathtub 1 Family room 1 Wash window or mirror 4 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 8 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 1 Walk 5 minutes after dinner 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning do 3 1 Take Puppy for a walk 3 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 17 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 4 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Eat A Salad 1 Take Probiotic 4 1 < 4 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 60 oz of water 1 Record sugar in G
  3. Hi all For those new to our story, So to do a quick up to speed, Mom had a serious 4 year old tantrum during last challenge and basically took a tactical Nuke to what was left of our relationship. I am not okay about. I am hurt, I am angry and mostly, I am just done with her, but I can’t walk away. Not even after that. However, I am limiting contact with her as much as possible and Hubby has been with me any time I have to go see her as a reason for her to behave. I have never in my life wanted to run away more than I do now, but I am doing what has to be done to take care of her and that is about it. I have gotten her mostly retired (need to talk to retirement people), her insurance is now handled and it is much more in a place where I don’t have to worry she won’t get something done in a timely manner. However, all of this puts me in a weird place where no one will tell me what is needed or not, but I am waiting for the flip out of “why aren’t you doing X” when no one told me. I don’t know where any of this stands, and its hard. Agent K9s cancer is worse. He has not been eating real well, he will start eating again and stop. But he is lethargic and not my K9. Hubby and I are both trying to let him tell us when it is time, but I really don’t think he has very long. I doubt highly he finishes the challenge, let alone the month. We are looking into a Puppy because we are an animal family. We know he would want us to save someone else like we saved him and love them too. This is in the works, but I would not be shocked if we add a new little fluffy agent of Chaos to the family this challenge. So some of the challenge will be around either work with, training or preparing for this. We may even overlap dogs for the first time this challenge. This challenge I am hoping to find some footing in all of this. I need to get back to taking care of me (something I did do better with AFTER the meltdown after I could think again and not be so hurt/upset/whatever this is. I am not okay, but I am trying to find how to move forward with Mom, what life will be like without K9 and with a Puppy. I am trying to maybe put me first. To work on this long term goal I have following paths that are not great and maybe getting my life, my house, and my health under control. Be aware, there will probably be some of me dealing with whatever it is that will come from the Mom corner. Especially as I feel I am at my worst point in my health, and I really am afraid that I will be stuck going down a path of my body giving out well before I am ready to because I didn’t take care of myself. I am doing boxes again, I won’t add the, but they have changed some. Mostly to allow for a things being so chaotic and uncertain. Now to see what happens. I started Sunday and am doing okay for day 3. I want to be here more, but some days it takes spoons I don’t have, and others I just don’t want to be ms. Negative. So I am here. Thank you all for the support. Last challenge especially, it meant the world to have people support me, and remind me maybe I might be doing the right thing and that sometimes, life isn’t fair.
  4. Hi all For those new to our story, So I disappeared during the holiday mini challenge due to the fact that I just had nothing left. I did do some boxes, but I just didn’t have the spoons or the time to post here. Work got more stressful when my boss tested positive for Covid after being in the office the day he tested. Very few people wear masks in the office, and while I do when out of my office, not everyone respects my space and some people will stand directly next to/over me without a mask when I am at my desk. So I asked to work from home for fear of my mom. Then there was some drama over an email and I am honestly worried about going back to work after Jan 3rd. Mom had/has 3 procedures for Dec, all with extra care pre/during and post procedure for me to do, and then you have Christmas stuff. My brother was supposed to come up, but didn’t at the last minute due to kids getting sick. Every day was something new. Oh and Agent K9 had started drooling and his breathe stank, so we took him to the vet thinking it would be a broken tooth, it was a ping-pong sized mass on his tongue. Its aggressive cancer and right now they are saying we may have 60 days since we won’t put him through chemo. Things are worse now than they were a month ago, currently on tap · Mom’s hip is being replaced on Dec 28th. They are currently saying she will come home on Dec 29th which means I will be sole caregiver. Brother isn’t coming home at all to help and Mom has no other family in the area besides my aunt who might offer to help, and no real friends that are more than just “I talk to you once a month at work” kinda thing. So I get repeat October and stay at her house. And I told her about the memory/loss of words concerns so she is doing the silent angry whispers at me, (Her excuse is she talks to cats all day so why does she need to get the words right). So I am sure this will go well when I could barely care for her in October when they cut some excess skin off. This time an entire JOINT is getting replaced. Supposedly she may be held longer if they don’t think it safe for her to come home, but I have given up on this idea. No reason to get hopes up. · Mom has been on FMLA and getting short-term disability since August. She is going to retire on Feb 2 since she’s going to get fired if she is not back in the office. She has had no interest or desire to deal with her workplace this whole time, or the retirement in general. In fact she said “I don’t deal with that. I have you to do it for me.” So I need to figure out what we need to get her retired. Oh plus this will change all of her insurance and income and yeah. · Agent K9 is terminal cancer. They said its super-fast growing, and while we may have 60 days, I am not always sure. I am upset that I may not be here if he needs me and needs to cross that bridge since Mom, but I am trying to spoil him and enjoy him, but I am not even here much for that since Mom. · The loss of Agent K9 would generally put us in a place to look for a new Puppy to help us all heal and fill the void. But with Yappy Dog who has issues here, that may be harder, PLUS can I train a puppy right now? I know it will be so much fun, but extra stress, cleanup, changes to everything here. And Agent Eldest didn’t take the loss of our first dog well and didn’t do well until we had a new puppy to fill that void, but Puppies are also difficult since Agent K9 would want to play and he wasn’t always in the mood. But our house is so weird, older animals (even a year or so) probably won’t acclimate well to 30 people in the house one day, no one home for 8 hours the next. · But I and Family will be more upset with just Yappy Dog since we care for him, he is better here, but he’s not ours. We don’t expect him to go back to Mom’s ever, but he’s another sign that she can’t take care of herself either. He’s happy here, and we enjoy him, but there are just times I want to be angry about it. · Technically I am supposed to be back at work as of Jan 3rd, but the Mom surgery thing may change that. I have a huge training on Jan 3rd I may not be there for, but don’t know until Mom’s surgery. My boss is being cool, but with everything else going on, I don’t feel as okay with taking this time off as I would like because things are so weird. · My anxiety and depression are higher than they have been in years. Anxiety over lack of control for my ENTIRE LIFE since so many things depend on the “Post Surgery” return date. Depression since I don’t see a way out, I don’t think this will change anything and no one believes me that rehab needs to be a thing. If I have to live out of her house for 2 weeks again with her moods and anger, this will not end well for me. If I talk to her about “hey, let’s try to work this out” I am told I am mean and horrible and how dare I speak back to her, so why try. With all of this going on, I have no idea what my challenge looks like yet. Right now, I have boxes built and set up, but no idea if they are valid. I live at moms, I can’t stretch or exercise since the mocking and I am making too much noise. I can’t work on cleaning my house and my chaos boxes there. I won’t even control my own food since I may have to eat what I make her since she won’t eat what I would. If she goes to rehab, this may all be pushed to later Jan. I just don’t know. So this is kind of a placeholder until Jan 28th when surgery will be a thing. Hopefully by an 29th, I might know something. I just want a plan. That would be nice. I also hope to have energy for a challenge and for people since I know I am doing the “Hide from people since no one wants to deal with my depressive self” thing. I apologize now for being a self-absorbed depressive who makes others deal person. I am trying to not be as hard on myself, but I know this challenge is going to be hard, and I am going to try and not be such a downer. Trying not to be all doom and gloom. I apologize now if I don’t do as well at trying as I would like.
  5. I have spent hours looking at my challenge to build. I have spent probably close to a couple of hours staring at a blank word doc. I sit here and I hate where I am, I hate feeling like I am on the wrong path. But the problem is, where I am currently at, at least mentally and emotionally, is that I this will never end and I won’t be able to get out of what I am working on. For those new here, I am in a bad place. I have a job that is high stress and atm high drama. I am a mom to 2 Agents of Chaos, and married to Hubby who is working a weird shift but does whatever he can to help. I am caregiver to my mom who in theory lives alone but she hasn't really been completely independent since my dad died 2 years ago. She is not always the nicest of people, especially to her daughter. My depression is acting up as is my anxiety of never getting out of here. Being with mom so much means she is actively pushing buttons and telling me I am not good enough, or what I am doing is wrong. Mom had surgery 9 days ago and is not recovering well. She gets a “walk” maybe once a day where she laps the house twice. The dr originally told us 5-7 days before she would be independent again. I am wondering if she will be at all or if this is my new normal until we can get her the “hip surgery” that better put her into rehab after. If not, I am going to give up entirely. The hardest part of the new challenge, is a number of things in my Life and Family stuff were either outside only or no longer apply. This section is the place where I work on my relationships and the things that are the things I want to do and who I want to be. The problem is, I can’t see anything that I can change. I don’t see any way to improve myself when I can never not be here. I am currently here like 530-6 AM to 9-10 PM. I have only been in the office 2 days, and I am not really home at all. When I get home, it’s generally eat and go to bed so I can be up at 430 to get back Mom’s on time. So how can I work on being who I want to be if I am always here? Anything I do here to better myself is met with mocking, but I see what the path she has taken lead to. I don’t want to not be able to walk at 65 and need a hip replacement, bad knees and back from being overweight, and while she has lost the weight, she lost all muscle mass so now she is weak as well So I am going to try and do things. I picked a few new Life and family goals. Being here, having this in my face all day, I keep fearing that I am walking the same path as her. Especially since I have been here, I haven’t been walking. I have snacked more since what else is there to do. I haven’t had water in days and my caffeine intake is through the roof. I find myself acting or thinking like her, and I fear it. So one thing I want to start doing is either looking for one thing a day that I am doing differently so I won’t go down that path, so I don’t sound like her, be friendless like her, or end up where she is. Another thing I am going to try and do is to start trying to think about those big long term goals I use to have, like doing a 10 K or a Spartan. Things I lost sight of a long time ago. Things I have been hearing that I am too fat, too old or I am going to be where she is so why think I could ever do that. Time to start thinking about who I want to be and if I get limitations, fine, but how do I want to handle things like arthritis in my knees. I can ignore it and let it get worse, or I can face it head on and see what if anything I can do to minimize it. I wish I could say that this will be all happy and uplifting and I got this. But I would be lying. Its going to be rough, I am going to be upset as I try to process and deal with what I have in front of me. I don’t know when I will get out of this pit. I just know, I need to wait till something that I have no control over changes. Okay, so challenge wise, I need something I can work towards. So Boxes it will be. I have a bare minimum, but really, I want to do much more than that. But for now, I am going to work on doing that bare minimum and if I ever do get out of here and back into more of my normal life, I can always do more, but for now, its about something. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 17 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 2 1 Leg lifts 2 1 Reverse sit ups 1 Sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 Raised Arm Circles 1 Torso Twists 1 Bicep Extenstions 1 Table plank 1 Bicep Curls with Weights (3 lb) 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side Lunges 1 Desk Push Ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 21 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the Dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Tricep Stretch 1 Wall Stand 1 Bridge 1 Calf stretch Do 2 1 Ballet Toe Touch 1 Cresent Moon pose 2.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder Stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad Stretch 1 Side Stretch 1 Forward Bend Life and Family 1 Floss in morning 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Take Morning Vitamins 1 Find one way I am not like mom 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 Think of one thing that could be changed/who I want to be 1 Check Dad's email 31 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Japanese practice with Youngest Agent 1 Start thinking on Christmas 1 Only play game on phone one time a day at home 1 Text/Talk to one Choosen family member a day 1 Relax my shoulders 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Nightly downtime 1 Be in bed by 10:30 1 Put lotion on legs 1 Check ordering account 1 Floss after work Do 7 1 Floss before bed 1 Walk across beam once a day 1 Water 1 inside plant 1 Take Bloodpressure 1 Do one "Get that done already" jobs 7 1 One good thing 1 Check Yappy Dogs night water bowl 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 14 1 Desk 1 Computer room ottoman 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 3 1 Bathroom down 3 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Grandpa's table 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 13 1 Basement 1 Random organizing project Do 2 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Empty out car daily 1 Clean our bathtub 1 Organize or purge one thing at Moms 1 Wash window or mirror 2 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 8 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 10 minutes at lunch 1 Walk 5 minutes after dinner 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning do 2 1 Take Agent K9 for a walk 2 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 17 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 3 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Eat A Salad 1 Take Probiotic 3 1 < 4 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 60 oz of water 1 Record sugar in G Total Points Possible 121 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 21.00
  6. Look here for last challenge -> it pretty well describes what I am up against. The TLDR version, Life is hard. My mom needs a ton of care, and expects it with little regard for anything else and is not the nicest of people on a good day. Work is insane since its this time of year. Add in work drama that is “My perception” and I have almost no spoons left most days when it comes to lunch, but I can’t give in to the lack of spoons since too many people need me. I AM TIRED. I am overwhelmed more days than not, and I can’t just throw up my hands and hide in a blanket fort. It would only get worse instead of better. Most days, I Just want to curl up and hide, and it’s been getting worse. So I keep doing things for everyone else, but myself has been last so much I forget to care for me. I need some sort of control over my life. Control that is stripped from me more days that not. I need stability that is taken when I barely know what things will be like when I get off work. Mom has a ton of Dr Appointments this month that will GREATLY affect her moods. I also think there’s dementia starting in, so I cannot just walk away. It would only be worse later. One more fun thing. Starting in a few weeks, Hubby will be working 2nd shift for at least a month, maybe longer. This means all the things he is currently helping with will NOT be an option and I will become solo parent. Mom is aware but doesn’t seem to care. So I am back to working on boxes. I am trying to not give up and up in the wrong path because I took care of everyone else. I am trying to earn more energy by doing more. Mostly, I am trying to just feel like I have some control over something. But most days, I just need told I am not failing at all of this. I am not ruining my kids, I am not a sucky daughter (I get told that enough that I am a horrible daughter) and that It is going to be okay. So feel free to stick around if you have the spoons to hear all the negativity and my new attempts to remember the good. But know, there may be more failures here than wins. Big goal is to stop missing more than 1 or 2 days at a time and not miss weeks at a time. Boxes are below. I am not doing them all, just enough to feel like I am in control and more than just Mom’s caregiver and maybe JUST MAYBE working towards that person I want to be. Someone who will be able to care for themselves at 65. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 17 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 3 1 Leg lifts 3 1 Reverse sit ups 1 sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 raised Arm circles 1 Torso Twists 1 Bicep extenstions 1 Table plank 1 Bicep curls with weights (3 lb) 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side lunges 1 Desk push ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 21 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Tricep stretch 1 wall stand 1 Bridge 1 Calf stretch Do 4 1 Ballet/toe Touch 1 Cresent Moon pose 4.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad stretch 1 Side stretch 1 Forward bend Life and Family 1 Floss in morning 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Take Calcium in AM 1 clean out elderberries 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 2 things for mom a day 1 Check Dad's email 31 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Pull weeds 1 Harvest garden 1 Walk garden once a day 1 Text/Talk to one family member a day (Chosen or Blood) 1 Water garden 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Nightly downtime 1 Be in bed by 10:30 1 Put lotion on legs 1 Check ordering account 1 Floss after work Do 7 1 Floss before bed 1 Walk across beam once a day 1 Water 1 inside plant 1 Take Bloodpressure 1 Sew on 1 badge for Eldest 7 1 One good thing 1 Check Yappy Dogs night water bowl 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 14 1 Desk 1 Computer room ottoman 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 3 1 Bathroom down 3 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Grandpa's table 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 13 1 Basement 1 Random organizing project Do 2 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 empty out car daily 1 clean our bathtub 1 Sort Produce on counter 1 Wash window or mirror 2 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 8 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 10 minutes at lunch 1 Walk 5 minutes after dinner 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning do 2 1 Take Agent K9 for a walk 2 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 17 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 4 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Eat A Salad 1 Take Probiotic 4 1 < 3 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 120 oz of water 1 Record sugar in G Total Points Possible 121 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 25.00
  7. Hi. Long time no see, everyone! I finally have the time and am in a mental space where I'm ready to return and get back into shape. On the bad side, moving + covid means I no longer am doing parkour. There isn't a good gym nearby, and I'm at the moment injury-phobic enough that I don't want to risk outdoor play. I'm still battling very low energy levels and weight gain (ugh, tamoxifen), but I'm still in remission! On the good side, hiking has been nice, I've started cycling, and I'll be joining a climbing gym soon. The kids loved their new school last year, and they're both in a great place socially and academically. I'm keeping the challenge simple: 1. I need to do one of the following every single day: yoga, cycling, hiking, climbing, or weight training. No excuses. It might be hot as balls throughout August, but I still can do the yoga, lifting, or climbing. 2. Fasting from 8pm through noon the following day. No more evening snacks. 3. Music: Playing the piano is one of my primary forms of mental self-care. I need to take the time to play at least 15 minutes every day. I'm currently working on Liebestraum (Liszt) and Nocturne #8 (Chopin), as well as accompaniment pieces for my son, who plays cello. Having him progress so quickly and so well in his music has been inspiring me to play, and we have a great time jamming together. 4. Sleep care - Tea + reading at night, since that's the only thing that helps for my insomnia 5. Trying to be a great parent. - For my 13 year old: Help them be more active. Make the time to help with homework. Kiddo wants us to use they/them pronouns, and even though it's a bit hard for me to remember, I need to try to do my best. Both kids are taking Algebra II this year, and I need to make sure the 13 year old doesn't feel insecure about their abilities compared to the 11 year old. - For my 11 year old: 11 year old wants to make it to Nationals for Mathcounts and also wants to qualify for AIME. I need to help him study for his math contests. Also, I need to help support him with his cello.
  8. Warning, this is not a fun gif challenge. There is depression, anxiety, stress, burnout and well, situations no on wants but have to deal with. Please understand that walking away from the bad is not always an option and I have considered a LARGE variety of other options. Support is ALWAYS welcome and amazingly helpful since being alone and thinking no one cares is some of the hardest parts. Honestly, all I can think is I am losing. I lost my Dad’s Mother last week very suddenly. There is almost no family left there. I am losing my empathy since I am seriously stuck in caregiver burn out. I know that some of this is hard, that there are real issues, but right now, part of me wants to just scream at them to do the things they are supposed to do and not be so damn whiny. It won’t help, and make things worse, but part of this is the “THERE IS NO MAGIC BULLET” discussion. I am losing my patience since everyone comes to me and wants me to drop other things to do their things. I am losing my time to time vampires. Some are innocent and don’t know better and honestly, these I don’t mind as much. Some are dark and menacing and some refuse to think that my time is valuable. I am losing my sense of direction and motivation. I feel like I am so pulled in so many places, I barely know which way is up. When I do know which way is up, I have no idea which way to go because so many directions are needed at one time. I am losing my sense of self. I am not the person I want to be. I keep sacrificing future me for current me, or the things I want to do FOR ME, to do for others. This leads to what basically killed my dad. I will deal with me later, I need to do X for Y first. I am losing my ability to be rested. I am not sleeping well, probably from not walking and stress and a million other things. Doing the things will help me actually be tired and be able to sleep. I come home from work, and have started doing the flop on the couch after 6 pm because I have no other energy, and maybe doze, but once bedtime hits, I am awake again. I am losing my strength and flexibility. I haven’t really taken it seriously, but there are days I feel “weaker” and “stiffer” if that makes sense. Nothing like I randomly fall but more like “That wasn’t that heavy last time was it?” or “Why can’t I touch my toes anymore” (I was doing that really well not that long ago). I am losing the progress I had made. The weight that started to come off is coming back. I am eating a TON of sugar that I don’t need. I am not drinking my water because Tea is better. I need to do these things. I am losing my sanity slowly. I am so torn between being the person I need to be, covering what I need to cover, and at the same time, dealing with the negativity and issues that are a side effect. Too many days, I just find myself in the “I can’t stage” unless it’s absolutely necessary. So, after all of this, I am trying to come up with a “NOT ANYMORE” moment,a “I totally have this and I am going to do the super watch me fix it all thing. Problem is, I don’t see that working either. I am in quicksand and I can’t just turn on a dime and nope out here. I need to be small with my expectations and do what I can. So, as much as it pains me, I am going to cut the numbers on my boxes. I am going to still try to do MORE than I must, but a “Do Something” challenge is only going to make me feel more like I am losing, but lowering the total to work on might not. I will still be doing boxes, mostly the same from last challenge. Big one is that I am changing the do 1 thing for Mom to do 2 things for Mom since I am not keeping up on the workload for her and things like bills are being put off if I am at her house EVERY DAY. This is me, trying to find a way to turn around, maybe find something to pull myself out of here, get to solid footing and move forward. Anyone got something I can grab?
  9. ¸„.-•~¹°”ˆ˜¨ Health & Happiness Are Hard ¨˜ˆ”°¹~•-.„¸ Wherein the Cracked_Belle Un-Dies 𝔽𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕒 𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘, 𝕐'𝕒𝕝𝕝 I am diagnosed with a lot crap that makes life hard — manic depression, C-PTSD, OSFED (eating disorder), OCD, anxiety, some chronic pain, and other crap. these aspects of me and my life are going to come up in my journey to getting back on track with my health and happiness. I'll try to be sensitive to triggers, include warnings such as this where needed, and use spoilers when necessary. but this is my "cover my butt" warning. thanks in advance for you understand. life is difficult; but I find obtaining Health and Happiness is even harder. as aforementioned, I have some mental and physical ailments that complicate the normal struggles of life even further. recently, my depression and my eating disorder have been soul-consuming. it's time to end that. I used to be a rather active member of Nerd Fitness in its early days. the life happened and I left for a while. well, I'm back; and hopefully for even longer this time. I'd like to get my life and health in order, lol. as follows are my current Goals for this upcoming Challenge. I, of course, reserve the right to adjust them as time progresses and I see what's going to work for me and what isn't. Get Down to 125 Pounds (ideally by 08/24/2020) Do a Daily Workout weightlifting on MTWRFA everyday: warm-ups and cool-downs MR: upper body — push-up, bicep curl, bent-over row TF: lower body — squat, strait-leg deadlift, calf raise AW: mix/misc — mountain climber, tensor curl, flexor curl, donkey kick cycling everyday AMWR: ~5 mi (2 circuits) URF: ~2.5 mi (1 circuit) Adhere to Caloric Schedule [TW — Eating Disorders] TO BE UPDATED to a point wherein I'm not slowly starving myself gets tweaked and Friday before depending on plans for the week Goal Average Kcal/Day: <700 Sat: 1,200 Sun: 1,200 Mon: 0 Tue: 1,200 Wed: 0 Thu: 1,200 Fri: 0 Log Monthly Body Measurements take body measurements at start of every month Log Daily Metrics continue to complete the daily Metrics spreadsheet, filling it in as completely as possible Make Next Week's Food Plan every Friday, make the caloric and cooking food plan for the following week (as starts on then ext day of Sat) Manage My Mental Health Do Daily AM Prep complete morning preparations for the day, every day Do Daily PM Review complete evening review of the day, every day Complete Mood Form Daily complete the mood tracking form at least once every day Track Meds track all medications and (certain) supplements consumed every day Become a Professional Writer [to be tweaked soon] Find a Career Counselor/Coach solidify a working relationship with a career counselor/career Resume Being Creative Write for One Hour per Week work on any writing project for a total of at least one hour a week Be Artsy for One Hour per Week do any artistic work for a total of at least one hour each week
  10. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” While this quote is widely attributed to Winston Churchill, there's some who argue it's true source. I'm off topic, please pay no heed to my ramblings. It's easy for me to lose track sometimes... Ok, ok all the time. I've been on this site for sometime. During that time I've never followed through any of my side quests to complete my end game quest. It's not entirely uncommon for me to begin anything and sprint right into the field of battle, if you will, and for some time I will excel, push through the gruel and sweat and then I'll lose that initial momentum. This is so true to the point, I really feel that at this point...it's almost damned near inevitable that is what I will do in anything I do. This isn't where I pictured myself at thirty-two years old. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, throw a pity party or be ungrateful for my many, many blessings in my life the Gods have given me. As such, there are many things in my life that I am the one responsible for the fruits they bare. I lost track again.. I think, em, maybe not? I'm thirty-two, overweight, overcome with stress, depression (But wait, there's more!) and anxiety whilst being generally unhappy with where I am in life. I adore my beautiful fiancee, our handsome wee lad and even our aggravating but sweet Shorkie, Gypsy...it's everything else in my life I'm unhappy with and these things are and have been bleeding into those wondrous blessings that is my family. Now that I've either got your attention or lost it (The latter is irrelevant, moving on ha), my name is Drew, and my nickname is Redbeard. Besides being thirty-two and overweight, I'm a gamer, an author, an oughta-be musician and last but most certainly not least a follower of the Anglo-Saxon/Nordic Heathenry and Asatru faith. I also am rather interested in many other beliefs, pantheon's, mythos and Core Shamanism as well those exclusively not separate to their parent faiths. This is my time, I'm nearly middle aged according to the general consensus, and if I don't change these negative things I dislike about myself, I may never be able to.
  11. Tzippi Tastes the Vinegar If you've read the Tao of Pooh (and if you haven't, consider it!), you might remember the allegorical image referenced at the beginning of the Vinegar Tasters, in which three men taste from the same vat of vinegar, one tasting sourness, one bitterness, and one sweetness. These three are representations of the three major religions/philosophies of China, Confucianism, Buddhism, and Taoism. The vinegar is life, and the men each taste it differently. Tai Chi, which I have begun studying and is a hugely positive practice in my life, is largely based on Taoist philosophy. I'm not going to get very deep into Confucianism, Buddhism, or Taoism, as I am at best a tourist and at worst completely ignorant of them. Instead, I am going to use my battered copy of The Tao of Pooh to look at what I want to do in my life, as I get a little deeper into my goals, study of Tai Chi, and continue to grow and refine. The "theme" of this challenge is halfway between using the three vinegar tasters as my models and metaphor, and using the characters from the Hundred-Acre Woods as the same. Taking my inspiration from the inimitable @sarakingdom and @Mistr, I am building on last challenge's success by adding tiny incremental goals to enhance my new habits, rather than adding a million new ones. “Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” Body and mind - * Continue to support my Tai Chi practice with daily work, whether class, Tai Chi practice, or some other exercise. * Once per week, one weight workout or long walk/hike. Could be body weight, or a hammer. Poetry and Hums - * Continue with daily (more often nightly) five-minute+ meditation. Got Calm subscription, starting with the Pooh meditations. * Using my MyOmer App, count the omer every evening. * Once per week, one longer meditation. Try different stuff, report and review here. I may start with metta meditation: Rumbly in my Tumbly - * Three servings of vegetables a day. * Plant more stuff in the garden. Herbs? Will it get warm enough for cukes, zucchs, and tomatoes?
  12. Depression is a bitch. I need to make it MY bitch. After I complained to my therapist (a lot) about the fact that I can't bring myself to care about challenge goals even though I want to make all kinds of positive changes and actually care about myself, she pointed out that depression makes it hard to think/care about the future. In retrospect... duh? So apparently I need to work on not being quite so depressed if I want to make progress on anything else. Boring. Daily Goals (tracker): Take a fucking shower. Eat a fucking plant. Do some fucking stretches. If it takes under 5 minutes to do, do the fucking thing. There are a million and one things I could be working on, but these 4 feel like the most effective attacks against the things that hold me back. We'll see. Currently making a list of extra credit things I can do to improve how I feel but I really need to focus on these. I'm super fucking pissed that I'm at a point in life where I need to make it a goal to shower every day, but such is life. This post and my glorious return by the fact that I have therapy tomorrow and for some reason my therapist disapproves of living in a depression cave and keeps asking about the last time I talked to my friends; turns out "uhhhh..." isn't a great answer. (Sorry.) Also, is it just me or is the Rebel GL position the NF equivalent of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher??
  13. I am running out of ideas for challenge titles. This year I need to work on my co-dependency problems. Living with family members with personality disorders is not fun any more. And since I am also working with them, and we have been hovering on the edge of bankruptcy for the past ten years, I am beyond tired. I have suicidal thoughts every single day. It is not good, and I will cope, but being unhappy is not fun. I have no contact with anyone outside the internet, so have no support of any kind. I also finished my spreadsheet on my spending for the past year, and it is depressing how little I did to make my own life better. If more than half my income go into keeping the workshop running things are wrong. I also bought more than 200 second hand books, 41 large packets of crisps, 5 pizzas and I had fries 11 times. And since the charity shop opened I managed to get some decent clothing, something that has been bothering me for years. My weight is also not in a good place. I started last year at 96.8 kg, dropped to 91 kg, went up to 102 kg, and weighed in this morning at 99.9 kg. It is a long way from my lowest of 76 kg. My eating is actually on track, it is just my activity levels that are too low. I have started working on moving a bit more the past few weeks, and I am feeling better, but I need to do some proper exercise. My car is wonky. There is nothing I can do about it, but it is another worry that is nagging at the back of my head. My health is mostly good. I have not been to the doctor in more than a year, I have not seen a dentist is more than twenty years. There is some issues, yesterday my sciatica flared up again, and I could barely walk, but it got much better throughout the day. For this challenge I am trying to get back into some good habits: 1. Exercise. Do something that make me sweat every day 2. Journal Write a journal every day. 3. Meditate 5 minutes meditation every day. As a side challenge try not to kill anyone. We are starting our work year this coming Monday, and I am dreading it. Spending another year among stupid people I cannot stand is not something I am looking forward too. I am considering becoming an asshole just to drive them away. But getting rid of people in place with 40% unemployment is almost impossible. My to-do list for this holiday was longer than my arm. I did my first item, got sidetracked by my father, had to rebuild a machine, had a burst waterpipe and basically spend my entire holiday doing things other people wanted me to do. I need to work on this boundary thing.
  14. Goal for this challenge: Visit the forum every day, post something, read something. This community has meant a lot to me over the years, and it is not good for me to isolate myself. Other than that, life sucks at present.
  15. And finally I am getting around to not really doing another challenge. Plans: Go to bed early Get up at 5. Go gambling and win millions. I had a few good moments last week.
  16. Feels a bit abrupt to drop back into the NF forums after being away so long, like :poof: I’m baaaack! I’m hanging out with the Adventurers for awhile (my previous couple years’ worth of challenges were done as a Ranger). It has been so long since I’ve been active, and my entire life/routine/body has changed so much in the past two years, that I have no idea what type of activity/lifestyle I’m into now. So, for now, I walk, I hike, I eat a mostly healthy diet that doesn’t fit into any particular category (mostly working on dialing down my sugar consumption without reawakening my disordered eating dragon who has been kept meekly at bay for 4 years now), and I work on my mental health (a host of other dragons). I’m a bit late in posting, but I started my challenge right on time on May 28. I’m easing back into the NF challenge arena with a simple challenge based on streaks. My challenge is intentionally gentle at this early stage. I am 6 months postpartum with my first (and only!) little, and it's been quite a ride so far. I am struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety as well as new variations of old body image issues. I am also pursuing a promotion (with a big increase in responsibility) at work, so I’m stretched to the point where it’s still manageable but I know I can’t add too much more to my plate. While I do have long-term goals for my weight and health markers, I am also working on being gentle with myself at this early stage as I ease back into the mechanisms of a NF challenge in my new postpartum reality. The Streaks: @=completed, X=missed, =gold star day [Nutrition] Eat a vegetable with two meals every day. Gold Star if I manage to find a way to make vegetables palatable for breakfast. Week 1 - @@@@@@ Week 2 - @@@X@@@ Week 3 -@@@@@@X Week 4 - @@@X@@@ [Health] Drink two of my big stainless water bottles full of water every day. Gold Star if I manage three full bottles in a day. Week 1 - XX@X@@X Week 2 - @@@XX@ Week 3 -XX@X@@@ Week 4 - XX@X@@X [Fitness] Walk for 15 minutes every day. Gold Star if I walk for 30 minutes in a day (can be broken into multiple walks). Week 1 - XX@XXX Week 2 - XXXXXXX Week 3 - XXXXXXX Week 4 - XXXXXXX [Life] Write something, anything, for 15 minutes every day. Gold Star if I write for 30 minutes in a day (can be broken into multiple sessions). Week 1 - XXX@@X Week 2 - XX@@XXX Week 3 - XXXXX@X Week 4 - XX@XX@X One-off PowerUps: =complete Call new therapist and make an appointment. Go to first therapy appointment and make a decision about whether or not to continue. Set up auto-pay for my June bills BEFORE the late notifications appear (a new problem for me due to new-mom fatigue and forgetfulness). Get the new plants put into the garden before they all die of dehydration in their little pots. Go to my local Pride festival in June. (happy day! Last minute schedule change meant we could go!) Spend legit hang-out time with a friend. My challenge retrospective post will tally number and length of streaks, and number of Gold Stars and PowerUps obtained. Will update the streaks in this post, and will share progress reports in the thread below.
  17. I am having the absolute pleasure of being in the middle of a major depression. It is a long time since it was this bad. Weirdly enough I do not have many suicidal thoughts, nor anger. I will get over it. Some simple goals for this challenge. 1. No random Internet before 8 in the evenings. 2. Post something every day on the forums. 3. Lights off before 10 at night. I think I am going to manage that.
  18. I have decided at least for now to switch to a battle log since it seems that is mainly what my challenge logs have become... I have a few goals for 2015... I am gonna figure out this place and what my goals are and whatnot... anything goes here... this is a place for complete transparency
  19. I'm sitting here in the break room at the bank, and I just ate lunch. The bank I work at is going through some radical changes very soon, and I have been proclaiming that I was going to go through some radical changes myself for years. For the most part, those changes have not came to fruition. I did score a good job, with potential to move up and I am working on that. Spirtiually and physically I am severely lagging behind. As I've done for years. Today is the day. No longer will I shrug off the things I know I must do to better myself.
  20. So here I am again, more determined this time. Having been made redundant. And for the last four months dealing with the stress of that possibility resulting in me diving back into the bottom of a bottle and stopping my depression meds and counseling (I know I am an idiot for it, But that is cutting a long story short). So I have had a look at my life, and broken my current situation down into a list of things that are bad, good or I have no control over. Bad. Been made redundant. (Also a good thing) Family is ripping itself apart. (sister has split up with her husband, grandfather is in a home and doesn't even remember who I am and my parents are at each other's throats every time they think I don't know) Drink... World of warcraft Good Been made redundant. (I have to use this as the massive kick up the backside I need it to be. I have a degree [sure only a 2:2] but four years at uni should count for something) I have finally been signed off and completed all the training to be a cub scout leader (and have had a couple of requests to take on the district commissioner role. Which I won't do because I prefer the grass roots group level scouting over the admin side of it) No control Being redundant. My family issues. The thing I have lost since university where I was physically my healthiest and fittest is the accountability from my housemates. Without them I default into just sitting in front of a screen, or spending way to much time in the pub. So thats my download of all the crap I have. Now to work on getting back to where I was physically at uni. I just know that I can't do it without help, because something else is either more important that fitness or easier. If anyone has advice (Be as brutal as you want) I would be more than grateful. But I think the thing I need most is an accountabilibuddy Or a team of them. Telion, the ironically lost scout leader
  21. I continue to struggle -thoroughly- with the same things over and over and over. So again: Selfcare and taking breaks. Kinda boring, isn't it? more soon
  22. All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath . . . waiting. All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments of revelation. This had the feeling of both. G'Quon wrote, "There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities – it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender." The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain. Big Why I have respawned more times than I can count. And I think the main reason is that my big why wasn't strong enough, or big enough, or revisited often enough. I always start out strong but then something happens to disrupt the routine, or I get distracted, or lose focus, and it all comes crumbling down again. I was having a deep conversation with my partner and he said, "I wish you could just be happy with yourself the way you are, and I think you would be happier overall if you just accepted yourself as you are, instead of constantly trying and failing." I understand what he was trying to say, but I think there is a fundamental part of me that says, "You could be better." It says, "You weren't always like this, and staying this way is a failure." There's a logical part of it that says, "A healthier lifestyle would be good for your mental health because endorphins are a great remedy for depression," and "Most of your depression and insecurity comes from being unhappy with the state of your health and appearance, your inability to buy clothes, the loss of looks you once had under pounds of extra flesh, and being too unfit to do things you used to be able to do so easily." So, while I appreciate that he was saying what he said from a place of love and with the hope that I would love myself as much as he loves me, and be happy with myself in who I am now, I think that I will respectfully disagree. I deserve to be in the best condition I can be. I owe it to myself to look after my body. When I know what the right choices are, it makes no sense that I keep making the wrong choices. SMART Goals/Quest list This is a master list; I won't work on them all at once but I will work towards these big goals with the challenges. Nutrition: 1. Eating planned meals according to macros: 33P/29C/38F 2. Weighing and tracking food on MFP for at least 30 consecutive days 3. Phasing out carbonated drinks (including diet soda) in favour of water, tea and black coffee. 4. Cutting down on sugar and processed foods over time. 5. Reducing take-out meals to 3 times a week. Mental: 1. Getting control of my depression through meds and therapy. 2. Improving self-care such as brushing my teeth at least twice a day for a month. 3. Meditating every day for a month. 4. Overcoming social media addiction. 5. Updating progress here at least once a day. 6. Using my bullet journal to manage my time effectively. 7. Doing deep thinking about relationship stuff to improve our communication. 8. Tidying the apartment for 30 minutes every day. 9. Completing a konmari of the apartment before we move to Ecuador. 10. Quit smoking. 11. Developing real life, sincere friendships. Fitness 1. Exercising every day (30 day fitness challenge app). 2. Building a regular workout routine (on paper and in practice). 3. Developing a yoga practice routine on my rest days. 4. Spending at least 30 minutes outside each day (once I have left China and its air pollution). 5. Swimming at least once a week. 6. Do a 2 minute plank. 7. Do a pull up. 8. Run a 5k. 9. Climb a volcano. And if anything pops up to throw me off track, I will be prepared. After all,
  23. Hey all! A week late but had a desire to do a challenge. Kind of went MIA when stuff wasn't quite working for this site and me. Personal issues, that ended up leading me to depression in quite a dark place. Bright side I'm working on it, but everyday stuff is still hard even though I can plan 6 months ahead of myself. I'm hoping this challenge shows some daily light to where the conflict is coming from underneath everything. Along with wrapping my head around, having a schedule doesn't make things boring it just adds a little control. Bright side- I'm still trying to continue on! I have professional supports, have things to laugh at/with daily, even with my troubles with my projects I still want to work in the field outdoors. Goals: Sunrise walking- filling a mental, physical and spiritual need to get to close to nature. I will figure out the minimum but being outside for at least 30 mins with the sun up will help. (Sunrise is around 7 at the moment... I haven't decided yet but throwing on clothes and going on a walk between 7-9 am is my goal) Some Structure- I'm needing some structure in my slightly chaotic life. My goal is to plan out my day on my google calendar by my hope to do what for many hours. From checking when my appointments are, eating, and getting myself to the library. Goals- will make at least 1 goal to follow through daily (however small or big, something to move forward with my life) Enough structure to help fend off depression and cope with my anxiety. While also observing what my daily battles are lie for my goals. Side goal- get my social connections/ support links on here. My depression has been very good on cutting myself off, but I love the atmosphere and over 2 years I'm still coming back.
  24. Close your eyes and imagine for me if you can; you have spent the time, done the research and finally figured out what it is that is wrong with you. At least in part. You have been in more then a rut, you have been in part hell for over a decade. You have search back to when you were happy and full of energy and life and realize that perhaps the depression is linked to your health, that the extra fat and wacky hormones that it creates has been playing havoc on you. You realize that you have to go back to being fit again, otherwise you will not just die young, but will lose the rest of the things you love, that which you have not already lost to the depression. But fighting it head on is like pushing the boulder up a hill, and I will be damned if my head is going to be hazed by some pill. I have spent so much time researching how to get healthy, but refused to acknowledge my depression. How many times have you tried to fight the battle of the bulge and lost? Imagine trying to do it with a millstone hanging from your neck, but you refuse to acknowledge the damn stone. I am depressed. Yes, I appear jovial and happy most of the time, but that is when I am around people. When I am alone, which is far too often, I am either sleeping or magnetically bound to the chair in front of my computer. Temple of the Dog described my life far too well so many years ago. I'm listening to that song now, while I fight the tears welling in my eyes, because the truth hurts so hard, but the specter of my looming failure stabs even deeper. How do I fight this thing that has had me beaten for so long, and while I have so much yet still to lose. I know now I have to come at it sideways. It's kind of funny, but when you research natural treatments for depression there is a huge overlap for fat loss, HUGE. Sleep better, exercise more, eat right, take these certain supplements. But I'm not trying to lose weight anymore, oh no. That is a symptom, perhaps a cause of my real problem. I am depressed, that is my demon, my monster, my dragon to slay. I am concentrating on treating that, knowing that by doing so, as a consequence my body fat will go down, and I will get healthier again. Before I was lost, now I am Sisyphus with a hammer, whacking off part of the boulder, throwing them up the hill, until I can finally reach the top. Pray for me, and ask yourself, do you have to attack it sideways too.
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