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For those of you who didn't know, which is basically no one at this point, I have bipolar disorder. Feel free to ask questions. I am sliding into a depression cycle. I can tell when this is coming on because I lose interest in pretty much everything. There are other symptoms, but that's the first big clue. I have decided that this time I am actively fighting back by doing things that help my mood to stabilize, like getting exercise and writing and playing my ukulele. You know, good self care stuff. I will do my best to record my efforts here.

So I have been trying to sit down write out a "Hi, I am back, the world is still dumb, sorry I disappeared" post for a week and a half. Honestly, I have a word doc with notes and sentences and gifs and stuff on my computer open with these things. But the way I am writing this shows its not going well. I didn't mean to take last challenge off, it just fell off my radar. I was emailing @fleaball and told her I was just out of spoons. But this challenge has come around, my weight is a new high of 315, I am tired, I am stressed, and I feel like I work and come home nad collapse every day. I stopped all walking. I stopped doing boxes, I just kinda existed and I hate it. So I am trying again. Things are still bad at work, its the busy time, great time to reset. I mean I worked 12 hours yesterday and 11 the day before and well, more than that the week before that. So yea, I am back. I am doing boxes. I just need to do something because I really really can't keep doing this. I need my life back. Adding the Gifs I had collected to make a fun Hi, sorry I left post. Ugh, the second gif link is bad. this annoys me. Maybe someone can get it to work. I need to go to work. its almost 6 am. https://scontent-ord5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/226379337_4383410528346736_5132151508722304137_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=gGYkAQEWJ4UAX9_P2BD&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-1.xx&oh=00_AfDjuxZqXChxAZ9OwtVa9z_Fsu4QpYDgXXCZaFV9uEJ9SA&oe=64C8DD5D (This is my life. Someone send spoons or help, or reminders that this is not what life is) That last sentence is really bad and I want to take it out. but at the same time. That is truth for you

So I am out of spoons, but I have been staring at this finished challenge for 2 weeks and I haven't started it. Honestly, I have been looking at the challenge going .. But but but spoons. And last challenge was all about the fact I have no spoons. I didn't even knew where they were physically or emotionally. But I realized, I can't keep living like this. I feel so much older than I really am. I am tired all the time, I am peopled out and I am over the whole damn world. However, I still have to adult, even if I really do believe adulting is all fake it till you make it. Currently, Chaos is winning our battle. Kitchen still has no countertops, and I am hoping they can measure for the damn countertops on Friday. I really don't want to hear we are too far out of level again. Sinus infection from Kitchen Demo won't go away Basement torn up since we are putting the old cabinets that still function down there Work is still a mess. Boss is still grumpy that I am too negative and what not but coworker is in ALL trouble. Kinda hoping something happens there, but if so, then I will be the ONLY PERSON that knows how to do anything, and that is how I didn't use my vacation last year. *Shrug* Mom--- yeah, enough said. She is just leaving tools around again instead of asking for help on things. Agents are stressed cause finals and school and peopling and learning to drive Still can't cook, so how do you eat better? Lets not look at a scale My house is destroyed Anxiety on high setting Depression on highest setting And Seedlings need to start going outside so they can do something to make food. So yea, I am done. But I am finding that my sitting here, waiting for things to change, is not helping. Its making it worse. I just feel trapped and useless, so why try. So going to try starting tomorrow (today had MORE PEOPLE) and I haven't been sleeping. Boxes will be a thing again. I can post if people care. Right now, I just need to do the things that help. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. And maybe something will change or I can fake it until it changes. Anyone able to kick me until I start doing something. Momentum is hard

I am doing this unlike most challenges I have ever started. I am writing this one off the cuff instead of writing something in word, over analyzing it and making sure it makes sense for a few days before posting. So if this makes no sense outside my head sorry. In mid December, I had knee surgery to supposedly help an injury I sustained in 2020. I knew I had arthritis and it was bad (3 of 4), but I was getting around finr and surprising my PT people on what I could do before surgery (crab walking anyone). After surgery, I have been no where near where I was in October (when surgery was determined) or before. Where I was walking long walks of 2-3 miles, I am just now doing okay with .5-.75 miles. The Dr put Gel in the knee to help lubricate the joint since steroid shots did not help. Gel is kinda my last option at this point. I am not in PT for my knee. The drs admitted that the PT I had before surgery didn't help, and that I lost strength and flexibility during PT. So I am kinda making up my own PT based on the Dr recommendation of "don't overdo it" which is funny when its me since I love to be hard and push myself. (Side not, why in the 9 realms are my neighbors lighting fireworks at 7:09 PM on a Tuesday night in Feb? See this is why I should not be doing this off the cuff) So my PT is use it a bit more at a time, don't hurt it too much, but keep trying. My work is a mess (long story short, its a HUGE mess and I am just doing what I need to) so that is not helping the BP issues or the "go walk" because I don't want to leave my office and my non-ergonomic desk. Oh and there are extended family issues I would love to ignore but can't. I have 2 Agents of Chaos, 2 dog agents (one is a year old basically today and is HUGE (almost 80 lbs) and all the energy), 3 cat agents plus Hubby. The human Agents and Hubby are great, and are helping where they can. but the big thing is I need to MOVE on a regular basis or everything hurts. I am at my highest weight in over 10 years. My depression and anxiety are a giant mess and more days than not, I am doing things, but more out of the "well, the world will be worse tomorrow if I don't" I sound positive, which is weird. I am not sure this will work. I need to be more than a worker, a mom, a mess. So I divide my life into groups, and from there do boxes of things I would like to improve on. I don't have to do everything, just enough of each category a day. More is good, I am always allowed to do more, but I need to not just do nothing. So I got lazy and decided not to post the boxes. If you really want to see them, let me know and I can add them. Here is the breakdown of the boxes and how many I need vs what is possible. 90% of my stuff is things I can do in 5-10 minutes since that is all I may have at a shot. Did I get all pts in: Needed Possible Strength 3 6 Flexibility 5 9 Life and Family 5 10 Future Me Favors 8 12 Daily Skirmishes against Chaos 4 7 Campaigns against Chaos 4 6 Walking 4 6 Fuel 5 8 Points earned for day 38 64 Welcome to the fight against chaos

Christmas has finally come and gone, and while we have one holiday that has been pushed back, I am ready for normal to return. Emotionally I am spent from holidays that had extra baggage. Surgery and the holidays is not something I want to repeat. Especially when the Agents of Chaos (Eldest and Youngest) have finals start the day of surgery. As far as surgery, supposedly it went well. They removed the torn piece of cartilage, I am going back to PT and they said all is well. However, the swelling that started this whole misadventure in my knee from 2 years ago and is still there is “just arthritis”. I have grade 3 of 4 arthritis in my knee, and the scope pictures are so interesting since it looks like my knee is full of spider webs which is the degrading cartilage. Nothing to do about the swelling, but if it bothers me, we can try draining it in a few months if it is still there. It’s depressing since I did all of this and the answer is “Still swollen, sucks to be you and losing weight helps”. Knee replacement isn’t’ for another 9-14 years since “that’s when we replace them” but I see the actual surgeon (who I met the day of surgery) in Jan, so more questions for him. I have been working with their PA this whole time. In the meantime, I am trying to get back to what I was doing before all of this started. Since the surgery 2 weeks ago, I am barely walking. Boxes all but fell apart, and I have to be back to work in less than a week. I want to move on and go back to the “well, this sucks, but make the best of it” I know my weight has jumped with the lack of activity. My depression and anxiety are a mess, but I need to do something. At the same time, I know I am not able to walk like I was yet. I have very little pain unless I get going too far, but I get a ton of stiffness in it. Walking is helping, but in small spurts. No 2 mile walks for a bit. I built the challenge around knowing I am healing. As such, I have adjusted my walking goal to 5000 steps, when it was 10,000. 4 hours moving instead of 7, no long walks, just 2 short 5 minute walks. I lowered the water from 60-20 oz and I feel like I am starting over with nothing to show, which makes all this worse. And I don’t even need all the boxes in an area, maybe half the boxes if that. Maybe I can get motivated to actually do something now, knowing this is what it is. Boxes posted below. Each category has a Needed number which is how many I need to get to mark the box. Goal Value Description Strength Needed 1 Raised Arm Circles 2 1 Ride Bike 5 minutes 1 Calf raises Flexibility Needed 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 3 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 1 Physical therapy? 1 Toe Touch 1 Warrior 1 1 Cresent Moon pose 1 Ankle Circles Life and Family 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 Brush Ninja dog Needed 1 Water 1 indoor plant 4 1 Check next day calendar 1 Spend time with Agents 1 One good thing 1 NF status update 1 Talk to Hubby Future Me Favors 1 Floss in morning 1 Take Morning Vitamins 1 Find one way I am not like mom 1 Read a book Needed 1 Take Bloodpressure 5 1 Out of work by 4:30 1 Check orders account 1 Nightly downtime 1 Floss before bed 1 Be in bed by 10:30 Daily Skirmishes against Chaos 1 Desk Needed 1 Clean off file cabinet 2 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser Campaigns against Chaos Needed 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 2 1 Empty out car daily 1 Pull one gross thing from fridge or cabinet 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 5000 steps Needed 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 3 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning 1 4 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel Needed 1 No eating after dinner 3 1 Take Probiotic 1 < 4 bottles of tea 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 20 oz of water

Hey y'all. Welcome to my challenge. First, some background. I have Bipolar II, which is mostly depression with the occasional period of hypo-mania. I'm pretty well medicated, and have been very stable for about the last 8 years or so. For me, this means that my mood still trends up and down, but not very far beyond the normal range for average humans, whatever that means. In other words, I'm mostly okay most of the time, but there are still cycles. I've gotten pretty good at recognizing them over the years, and there is a seasonal component as well, in that the onset of winter usually triggers depression. That's where I am now. A lot of you have had or currently have depression, so you know what it's about. For those of you who haven't, count your blessings. It's a bit different for different people, but for me it means that I don't want to do things that I usually want to do, and I don't enjoy the things that I usually enjoy when I do them. I'm also plagued by feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, although the meds help to keep this from going too far. So that's the situation. It is extremely difficult to stay motivated for things like controlling my eating and exercising regularly, which have been my main two areas of focus for most of my time here at NF. I'm not sure how to make a challenge out of this. But I'm here, and that's not nothing. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

So yeah, life is weird I got the MRI in my knee last Tuesday. Last Weds I found out I was exposed to covid on Tuesday during the day. MRI results now wait till Oct 27th. 2 negative covid tests, but still waiting before saying I am in the clear. . It snowed today, like legit snow. Work is crazy and boss finally admitted I am the only one he can trust to do work. With the knee issues, the cold its been hard to get walking. I know I should, but I am just tired (Okay, I am always tired) but I am just stressed out a bit. So I am doing boxes again (I know insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results). But I have to do something. Going to try getting back on the bike. It worked until the MRI put me on 1 MG of Xanax and I slept for almost 2 days. So trying to get back to doing something besides existing. Do the things, make changes maybe be better. Great plan right?

So here is a placeholder for the challenge. Basically, I am trying to slim down things. I am busy as all get out, I have no energy, PT has been making my knee hurt when it didn't before, and work is still crazy. So I backed the challenges down and am hoping to do just these jobs. If I can get this down, then maybe I can get better and get somewhere. So yeah, the whole challenge is do the things every day. Max number of things I need to do is 55 things, goal is to do 50 things since those HAVE TO get done. Here is to hoping I don't flake out and hide and say "Nope" when the answer should be "Do it." Oh and anything that is marked as green 1 under value HAS TO BE DONE, no excuses Nerd Fitness Challenge 9/7/2022 Day of week Day Goal Value Description Strength 1 Desk Push Ups 5 1 Raised Arm Circles 1 PT exercises 1 Calf raises 1 Backward Leg Raises Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 7 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 1 Meditating Groot 1 Toe Touch 1 Warrior 1 1 Cresent Moon pose 1 Ankle Circles Life and Family 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 Brush Ninja dog 1 Water Garden 8 1 Water Front beds 1 Spend time with Agents 1 One good thing 1 NF status update 1 Talk to Hubby Future Me Favors 1 Floss in morning 1 Take Morning Vitamins 1 Find one way I am not like mom 1 Read a book 1 Take Bloodpressure 12 1 Out of work by 5:30 1 Take anti-inflamatory med 1 Japanese practice 1 Check orders account 1 Nightly downtime 1 Floss before bed 1 Be in bed by 10:30 Daily Skirmishes against Chaos 1 Desk 1 Clean off file cabinet 5 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser Campaigns against Chaos 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 4 1 Empty out car daily 1 Pull one gross thing from fridge or cabinet 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 6 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 1 Take Probiotic 1 < 4 bottles of tea 8 1 Eat something for Potassium 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 60 oz of water Total Points Possible 55

So I keep disappearing and I don’t mean to. Things have been a bit unusual of late here. Work ramped up and I went from getting out at 430 to 5 (I got off at 330) to 6-630 pm days. Which means boxes were harder and it’s hard to be like “Do stuff” when it’s almost 7 and I am trying to be in bed by 1030, and Oh I am supposed to eat and walk. In other news, towards the end of last challenge, the Agents got to go a LARP in a similar system to what we use to do 20+ years ago. So that is a thing. We go back for Day 2 today. I already know it will be super hard for me to not fight since my knee is a mess. But all this means is I have not had time for home stuff. Agents are going to want clothes and things for the larping. The garden is getting ready to explode which means canning/preserving will need to happen. School is going to start and I would like to well, be home and sleep. Oh and I want to try and get the bad knee looked at so I can get out larping too. Which right now I can’t do because we are all afraid of one bad blow to it. And more than likely, getting it looked at will mean getting to drs and tests and ugh So part of this will be doing non work things. I also added a box of “out of work by 5”. Yes that still allows overtime since it is needed, but still allows me to be home at a reasonable time. I need to be here or I will stop doing everything and fall further into the bad stuff. That’s it, that is the plan, back down at work on how much they get of me, hope nothing explodes and try to do all the other things. And be here to talk to people. Totally doable right? Wish me luck and energy and not to lose my mind.

I disappeared last challenge. Sorry about that. Things got worse in multiple ways, and I shut down. I became a hermit. I had no good news to post, so I disappeared. I hate being all bad news, depressing and no upside, and I hate when I bring other people down with me. So I disappeared. I tried to take time to regroup and get better. Didn’t quite work much since work is still a mess after the whole “Let toxic guy quit suddenly and without turnover and nothing works.” OT is a thing for much of this challenge and let’s hope they actually hire someone to help me now and not in August (Note, I am thinking at earliest, August). They just posted the job, so I might have full time official help in August. Mom is still an issue as she is still not talking but now mad that I didn’t come over to see brother when he was in town for a few hours when my notice was literally 12 hours before he was coming and I was working OT when he got here. No one was even sure what DAY he would be there. In other news, the washer and dryer died Sat night, and the stove is acting up. New washer and dryer ordered, but now I need to clean to get them from outside the house to where they go. It may not be too bad, but it means I can’t come home after OT every night this week and do nothing. I will say part of my return is due to @fleaball. We had been emailing, and we agreed to both come back and try to do at least something. I know I need the accountability and the friendship and the reminder that I am not as horrible as I think. One wonderful thing I have found here, a friend that is going to make me do stuff, and I am going to remind her to do stuff. My walking is fairly good, but that is mostly because 6 Mo puppy Agent Ninja needs it to be less crazy. I am not really cleaning or organizing and I can tell I miss the stretches and exercises. I need to get things straight in my own head so I can sleep. The end. Main point of this challenge is DO SOMETHING.. ANYTHING… besides just exist. I cut the number of boxes/pts whatever down to 26. 2 exercises (out of 17), 3 stretches (out of 24), 10 life and family (mostly done just by living) (out of 36), 3 Fight Chaos by cleaning (out of 16), 2 fight Chaos by organizing (out of 16), 2 for walking (out of 8) and 4 for food (out of 17). So do the thing. That’s the plan

So I have been doing the challenge work for over a week. I started last Saturday. But I couldn’t bring myself to write the post for it. Then Friday through Monday this week I stopped because, well life is hard and I am tired, out of spoons. Just couldn’t. Last challenge took a ton out of me. I am TIRED. I had some major stress happen last challenge and well, I am not okay. Short version is work got TOXIC and Hostile. HR is involved, and while I should not have anything coming back on me as far as discipline, it has made going to work the hardest thing ever for like 3 months. Plus it is all anyone talks about now. And they want to know what happened, and they want to know if I am okay. I will admit, for the 3rd time in my life, I let someone abuse me. I fell for it. I should of known better. I have been trying to heal for over a month. I know this won’t “go away instantly” but I want to be better. Meanwhile, because the source of the issues from work is not currently working, all their work comes to me. I can’t see what they had going, or where things I need are, but I have been told “I am now the lead on coding.” I am 2 years out of college and the only programmer. Guy that isn’t there, is not organized and we have a ton of deadlines that are not miss able in JULY. Boss is at least being cool, but until I see what is going on, I will not not be anxious about this. Yes, it is a different level of stress, and a smaller one, but its still weighing on me. The Mom issue is still well, an issue. Her Texts are getting more passive aggressive. I took her a plant and a card on Moms day, more out of routine, but I didn’t visit or talk. Bio Brother asked 9 days ago if anything had been resolved with Mom, and when I responded he never even sent a 2nd text. I can deal with her, but Hubby’s family asked about her today, and I got all weird and defensive. Hubby said he was sorry about that, and he told them not to, but they don’t listen. I am tired. I have not been sleeping. Turns out I can take 1 mg Melatonin and sleep for 11+ hours, but I can’t do that on work nights. My nightmares are back, I had an anxiety moment at work that I upset boss (I went and talked to him, I didn’t, but I explained I just wasn’t sure and wanted to make sure the air was clear) but I have no confidence. I have no strength left. I am just tired and I need to heal. I need to heal from the trauma at work. It was trauma. I am still asking people to walk to me to my car. I am still walking around making sure he isn’t there. I need to heal from the Trauma of my mom ,and not let someone asking “So how is she doing” upset me so bad. I need to heal from the point before things started to get better where the dark of Depression had no light. I need to heal from being so mad at myself for never stopping any of this. I need to heal from spraining my big toe chasing Agent Ninja when she got out. So that’s what I am trying to do. Yes, I am doing my boxes and trying to do points and I am walking so much (to process and deal with anxiety), but I would love to say “Hey, this is the road to heal real fast” but that road doesn’t really exist. So I am fumbling through healing. I am hoping to be here more, I am hoping I can do boxes to prove I can do things right and that I am not lazy, stupid, old, worthless, ect. But right now, I just want each day to even slightly better than the day before. Really, I just want to be okay. Please don't expect fun gifs or stories here. I don't know what this will look like, but please be kind and supportive. That is what I am hoping for here.

Hi all For those new to our story, So update for all. The last challenge was full of drama and chaos. I am still awaiting Mom’s reaction to my refusal to talk to her. Hubby fell and got hurt, we lost our Agent K9 (all in 24 hours). At the end of the challenge, Hubby got hurt a different way, I am even more out of shape than I can be and things are starting to hurt that shouldn’t and work decided to get even more stupid with 2 os I am tired, I am drained and there is no good way to put it. That being said, I am trying to find a way to get past this point so maybe I can make progress. There are 2 parts here. A) 0 Week I am on spring break so no work, and no school for Youngest Agent. Tuesday was “National Goof off day” and also a planned sloth day. The bigger part of this is that Friday through Sunday I will be going to see my chosen family. It will be a short trip, but we will see at least a couple of my sisters, my neicelings and hopefully recharge there. Seeing my family that loves me always helps. So week 0 will be mostly a “real” week, but with a few days (Tues, And the trip) where boxes do not count The second part is going to be trying to get back on a real schedule. One where there are bedtimes, and routines and not being so “What is going on?” This will help me get a solid idea of what is going on. This has started to happen last challenge, but there were too many chaos moments that we couldn’t control that affected this. Having Hubby get hurt seriously didn’t help. So big thing here will be stay on target. So yeah, this whole challenge will be about resting, recharging and getting myself where I feel I can make progress and maybe get my anxiety and depression back under control. I am still doing my boxes, I added a couple more per day, but basically it is very similar to last challenge. Now to not give up and just nope out. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 17 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 4 1 Leg lifts 4 1 Reverse sit ups 1 Sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 Raised Arm Circles 1 Torso Twists 1 Bicep Extenstions 1 Table plank 1 Bicep Curls with Weights (3 lb) 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side Lunges 1 Desk Push Ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 23 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the Dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Tricep Stretch 1 Wall Stand 1 Bridge 1 Calf stretch Do 6 1 Ballet 1 Toe Touch 1 Cresent Moon pose 6.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder Stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Shoulder Rotations 1 Quad Stretch 1 Side Stretch 1 Forward Bend Life and Family 1 Floss in morning 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Take Morning Vitamins 1 Find one way I am not like mom 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 Brush Puppy 1 Check Dad's email 34 1 Check ordering account 1 Japanese Practice 1 Check Seedlings 1 Only play game on phone one time a day at home 1 Text/Talk to one Choosen family member a day 1 Relax my shoulders 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Nightly downtime 1 Be in bed by 10:30 1 Put lotion on legs 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Floss after work Do 13 1 Floss before bed 1 Talk to Hubby 1 Water 1 inside plant 1 Take Bloodpressure 1 Do one "do that already" jobs 13 1 One good thing 1 Walk garden once a day 1 Puppy Preparing/Training 1 Weed for 5 minutes 1 Use Breathing app for Anxiety 1 if headache, put on headache salve 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula 1 Island 1 Table Clean all these daily 1 Half wall 16 1 Desk 1 Computer room ottoman 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 6 1 Bathroom down 6 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Grandpa's table 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 13 1 Basement 1 Random organizing project Do 4 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Empty out car daily 1 Clean our bathtub 1 Family room 1 Wash window or mirror 4 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 8 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 1 Walk 5 minutes after dinner 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning do 3 1 Take Puppy for a walk 3 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 17 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 4 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Eat A Salad 1 Take Probiotic 4 1 < 4 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 60 oz of water 1 Record sugar in G

Hi all For those new to our story, So to do a quick up to speed, Mom had a serious 4 year old tantrum during last challenge and basically took a tactical Nuke to what was left of our relationship. I am not okay about. I am hurt, I am angry and mostly, I am just done with her, but I can’t walk away. Not even after that. However, I am limiting contact with her as much as possible and Hubby has been with me any time I have to go see her as a reason for her to behave. I have never in my life wanted to run away more than I do now, but I am doing what has to be done to take care of her and that is about it. I have gotten her mostly retired (need to talk to retirement people), her insurance is now handled and it is much more in a place where I don’t have to worry she won’t get something done in a timely manner. However, all of this puts me in a weird place where no one will tell me what is needed or not, but I am waiting for the flip out of “why aren’t you doing X” when no one told me. I don’t know where any of this stands, and its hard. Agent K9s cancer is worse. He has not been eating real well, he will start eating again and stop. But he is lethargic and not my K9. Hubby and I are both trying to let him tell us when it is time, but I really don’t think he has very long. I doubt highly he finishes the challenge, let alone the month. We are looking into a Puppy because we are an animal family. We know he would want us to save someone else like we saved him and love them too. This is in the works, but I would not be shocked if we add a new little fluffy agent of Chaos to the family this challenge. So some of the challenge will be around either work with, training or preparing for this. We may even overlap dogs for the first time this challenge. This challenge I am hoping to find some footing in all of this. I need to get back to taking care of me (something I did do better with AFTER the meltdown after I could think again and not be so hurt/upset/whatever this is. I am not okay, but I am trying to find how to move forward with Mom, what life will be like without K9 and with a Puppy. I am trying to maybe put me first. To work on this long term goal I have following paths that are not great and maybe getting my life, my house, and my health under control. Be aware, there will probably be some of me dealing with whatever it is that will come from the Mom corner. Especially as I feel I am at my worst point in my health, and I really am afraid that I will be stuck going down a path of my body giving out well before I am ready to because I didn’t take care of myself. I am doing boxes again, I won’t add the, but they have changed some. Mostly to allow for a things being so chaotic and uncertain. Now to see what happens. I started Sunday and am doing okay for day 3. I want to be here more, but some days it takes spoons I don’t have, and others I just don’t want to be ms. Negative. So I am here. Thank you all for the support. Last challenge especially, it meant the world to have people support me, and remind me maybe I might be doing the right thing and that sometimes, life isn’t fair.

Hi all For those new to our story, So I disappeared during the holiday mini challenge due to the fact that I just had nothing left. I did do some boxes, but I just didn’t have the spoons or the time to post here. Work got more stressful when my boss tested positive for Covid after being in the office the day he tested. Very few people wear masks in the office, and while I do when out of my office, not everyone respects my space and some people will stand directly next to/over me without a mask when I am at my desk. So I asked to work from home for fear of my mom. Then there was some drama over an email and I am honestly worried about going back to work after Jan 3rd. Mom had/has 3 procedures for Dec, all with extra care pre/during and post procedure for me to do, and then you have Christmas stuff. My brother was supposed to come up, but didn’t at the last minute due to kids getting sick. Every day was something new. Oh and Agent K9 had started drooling and his breathe stank, so we took him to the vet thinking it would be a broken tooth, it was a ping-pong sized mass on his tongue. Its aggressive cancer and right now they are saying we may have 60 days since we won’t put him through chemo. Things are worse now than they were a month ago, currently on tap · Mom’s hip is being replaced on Dec 28th. They are currently saying she will come home on Dec 29th which means I will be sole caregiver. Brother isn’t coming home at all to help and Mom has no other family in the area besides my aunt who might offer to help, and no real friends that are more than just “I talk to you once a month at work” kinda thing. So I get repeat October and stay at her house. And I told her about the memory/loss of words concerns so she is doing the silent angry whispers at me, (Her excuse is she talks to cats all day so why does she need to get the words right). So I am sure this will go well when I could barely care for her in October when they cut some excess skin off. This time an entire JOINT is getting replaced. Supposedly she may be held longer if they don’t think it safe for her to come home, but I have given up on this idea. No reason to get hopes up. · Mom has been on FMLA and getting short-term disability since August. She is going to retire on Feb 2 since she’s going to get fired if she is not back in the office. She has had no interest or desire to deal with her workplace this whole time, or the retirement in general. In fact she said “I don’t deal with that. I have you to do it for me.” So I need to figure out what we need to get her retired. Oh plus this will change all of her insurance and income and yeah. · Agent K9 is terminal cancer. They said its super-fast growing, and while we may have 60 days, I am not always sure. I am upset that I may not be here if he needs me and needs to cross that bridge since Mom, but I am trying to spoil him and enjoy him, but I am not even here much for that since Mom. · The loss of Agent K9 would generally put us in a place to look for a new Puppy to help us all heal and fill the void. But with Yappy Dog who has issues here, that may be harder, PLUS can I train a puppy right now? I know it will be so much fun, but extra stress, cleanup, changes to everything here. And Agent Eldest didn’t take the loss of our first dog well and didn’t do well until we had a new puppy to fill that void, but Puppies are also difficult since Agent K9 would want to play and he wasn’t always in the mood. But our house is so weird, older animals (even a year or so) probably won’t acclimate well to 30 people in the house one day, no one home for 8 hours the next. · But I and Family will be more upset with just Yappy Dog since we care for him, he is better here, but he’s not ours. We don’t expect him to go back to Mom’s ever, but he’s another sign that she can’t take care of herself either. He’s happy here, and we enjoy him, but there are just times I want to be angry about it. · Technically I am supposed to be back at work as of Jan 3rd, but the Mom surgery thing may change that. I have a huge training on Jan 3rd I may not be there for, but don’t know until Mom’s surgery. My boss is being cool, but with everything else going on, I don’t feel as okay with taking this time off as I would like because things are so weird. · My anxiety and depression are higher than they have been in years. Anxiety over lack of control for my ENTIRE LIFE since so many things depend on the “Post Surgery” return date. Depression since I don’t see a way out, I don’t think this will change anything and no one believes me that rehab needs to be a thing. If I have to live out of her house for 2 weeks again with her moods and anger, this will not end well for me. If I talk to her about “hey, let’s try to work this out” I am told I am mean and horrible and how dare I speak back to her, so why try. With all of this going on, I have no idea what my challenge looks like yet. Right now, I have boxes built and set up, but no idea if they are valid. I live at moms, I can’t stretch or exercise since the mocking and I am making too much noise. I can’t work on cleaning my house and my chaos boxes there. I won’t even control my own food since I may have to eat what I make her since she won’t eat what I would. If she goes to rehab, this may all be pushed to later Jan. I just don’t know. So this is kind of a placeholder until Jan 28th when surgery will be a thing. Hopefully by an 29th, I might know something. I just want a plan. That would be nice. I also hope to have energy for a challenge and for people since I know I am doing the “Hide from people since no one wants to deal with my depressive self” thing. I apologize now for being a self-absorbed depressive who makes others deal person. I am trying to not be as hard on myself, but I know this challenge is going to be hard, and I am going to try and not be such a downer. Trying not to be all doom and gloom. I apologize now if I don’t do as well at trying as I would like.

I have spent hours looking at my challenge to build. I have spent probably close to a couple of hours staring at a blank word doc. I sit here and I hate where I am, I hate feeling like I am on the wrong path. But the problem is, where I am currently at, at least mentally and emotionally, is that I this will never end and I won’t be able to get out of what I am working on. For those new here, I am in a bad place. I have a job that is high stress and atm high drama. I am a mom to 2 Agents of Chaos, and married to Hubby who is working a weird shift but does whatever he can to help. I am caregiver to my mom who in theory lives alone but she hasn't really been completely independent since my dad died 2 years ago. She is not always the nicest of people, especially to her daughter. My depression is acting up as is my anxiety of never getting out of here. Being with mom so much means she is actively pushing buttons and telling me I am not good enough, or what I am doing is wrong. Mom had surgery 9 days ago and is not recovering well. She gets a “walk” maybe once a day where she laps the house twice. The dr originally told us 5-7 days before she would be independent again. I am wondering if she will be at all or if this is my new normal until we can get her the “hip surgery” that better put her into rehab after. If not, I am going to give up entirely. The hardest part of the new challenge, is a number of things in my Life and Family stuff were either outside only or no longer apply. This section is the place where I work on my relationships and the things that are the things I want to do and who I want to be. The problem is, I can’t see anything that I can change. I don’t see any way to improve myself when I can never not be here. I am currently here like 530-6 AM to 9-10 PM. I have only been in the office 2 days, and I am not really home at all. When I get home, it’s generally eat and go to bed so I can be up at 430 to get back Mom’s on time. So how can I work on being who I want to be if I am always here? Anything I do here to better myself is met with mocking, but I see what the path she has taken lead to. I don’t want to not be able to walk at 65 and need a hip replacement, bad knees and back from being overweight, and while she has lost the weight, she lost all muscle mass so now she is weak as well So I am going to try and do things. I picked a few new Life and family goals. Being here, having this in my face all day, I keep fearing that I am walking the same path as her. Especially since I have been here, I haven’t been walking. I have snacked more since what else is there to do. I haven’t had water in days and my caffeine intake is through the roof. I find myself acting or thinking like her, and I fear it. So one thing I want to start doing is either looking for one thing a day that I am doing differently so I won’t go down that path, so I don’t sound like her, be friendless like her, or end up where she is. Another thing I am going to try and do is to start trying to think about those big long term goals I use to have, like doing a 10 K or a Spartan. Things I lost sight of a long time ago. Things I have been hearing that I am too fat, too old or I am going to be where she is so why think I could ever do that. Time to start thinking about who I want to be and if I get limitations, fine, but how do I want to handle things like arthritis in my knees. I can ignore it and let it get worse, or I can face it head on and see what if anything I can do to minimize it. I wish I could say that this will be all happy and uplifting and I got this. But I would be lying. Its going to be rough, I am going to be upset as I try to process and deal with what I have in front of me. I don’t know when I will get out of this pit. I just know, I need to wait till something that I have no control over changes. Okay, so challenge wise, I need something I can work towards. So Boxes it will be. I have a bare minimum, but really, I want to do much more than that. But for now, I am going to work on doing that bare minimum and if I ever do get out of here and back into more of my normal life, I can always do more, but for now, its about something. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 17 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 2 1 Leg lifts 2 1 Reverse sit ups 1 Sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 Raised Arm Circles 1 Torso Twists 1 Bicep Extenstions 1 Table plank 1 Bicep Curls with Weights (3 lb) 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side Lunges 1 Desk Push Ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 21 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the Dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Tricep Stretch 1 Wall Stand 1 Bridge 1 Calf stretch Do 2 1 Ballet Toe Touch 1 Cresent Moon pose 2.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder Stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad Stretch 1 Side Stretch 1 Forward Bend Life and Family 1 Floss in morning 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Take Morning Vitamins 1 Find one way I am not like mom 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 Think of one thing that could be changed/who I want to be 1 Check Dad's email 31 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Japanese practice with Youngest Agent 1 Start thinking on Christmas 1 Only play game on phone one time a day at home 1 Text/Talk to one Choosen family member a day 1 Relax my shoulders 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Nightly downtime 1 Be in bed by 10:30 1 Put lotion on legs 1 Check ordering account 1 Floss after work Do 7 1 Floss before bed 1 Walk across beam once a day 1 Water 1 inside plant 1 Take Bloodpressure 1 Do one "Get that done already" jobs 7 1 One good thing 1 Check Yappy Dogs night water bowl 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 14 1 Desk 1 Computer room ottoman 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 3 1 Bathroom down 3 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Grandpa's table 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 13 1 Basement 1 Random organizing project Do 2 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Empty out car daily 1 Clean our bathtub 1 Organize or purge one thing at Moms 1 Wash window or mirror 2 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 8 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 10 minutes at lunch 1 Walk 5 minutes after dinner 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning do 2 1 Take Agent K9 for a walk 2 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 17 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 3 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Eat A Salad 1 Take Probiotic 3 1 < 4 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 60 oz of water 1 Record sugar in G Total Points Possible 121 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 21.00

Look here for last challenge -> it pretty well describes what I am up against. The TLDR version, Life is hard. My mom needs a ton of care, and expects it with little regard for anything else and is not the nicest of people on a good day. Work is insane since its this time of year. Add in work drama that is “My perception” and I have almost no spoons left most days when it comes to lunch, but I can’t give in to the lack of spoons since too many people need me. I AM TIRED. I am overwhelmed more days than not, and I can’t just throw up my hands and hide in a blanket fort. It would only get worse instead of better. Most days, I Just want to curl up and hide, and it’s been getting worse. So I keep doing things for everyone else, but myself has been last so much I forget to care for me. I need some sort of control over my life. Control that is stripped from me more days that not. I need stability that is taken when I barely know what things will be like when I get off work. Mom has a ton of Dr Appointments this month that will GREATLY affect her moods. I also think there’s dementia starting in, so I cannot just walk away. It would only be worse later. One more fun thing. Starting in a few weeks, Hubby will be working 2nd shift for at least a month, maybe longer. This means all the things he is currently helping with will NOT be an option and I will become solo parent. Mom is aware but doesn’t seem to care. So I am back to working on boxes. I am trying to not give up and up in the wrong path because I took care of everyone else. I am trying to earn more energy by doing more. Mostly, I am trying to just feel like I have some control over something. But most days, I just need told I am not failing at all of this. I am not ruining my kids, I am not a sucky daughter (I get told that enough that I am a horrible daughter) and that It is going to be okay. So feel free to stick around if you have the spoons to hear all the negativity and my new attempts to remember the good. But know, there may be more failures here than wins. Big goal is to stop missing more than 1 or 2 days at a time and not miss weeks at a time. Boxes are below. I am not doing them all, just enough to feel like I am in control and more than just Mom’s caregiver and maybe JUST MAYBE working towards that person I want to be. Someone who will be able to care for themselves at 65. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 17 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 3 1 Leg lifts 3 1 Reverse sit ups 1 sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 raised Arm circles 1 Torso Twists 1 Bicep extenstions 1 Table plank 1 Bicep curls with weights (3 lb) 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side lunges 1 Desk push ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 21 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Tricep stretch 1 wall stand 1 Bridge 1 Calf stretch Do 4 1 Ballet/toe Touch 1 Cresent Moon pose 4.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad stretch 1 Side stretch 1 Forward bend Life and Family 1 Floss in morning 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Take Calcium in AM 1 clean out elderberries 1 Brush Yappy dog 1 2 things for mom a day 1 Check Dad's email 31 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Pull weeds 1 Harvest garden 1 Walk garden once a day 1 Text/Talk to one family member a day (Chosen or Blood) 1 Water garden 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Nightly downtime 1 Be in bed by 10:30 1 Put lotion on legs 1 Check ordering account 1 Floss after work Do 7 1 Floss before bed 1 Walk across beam once a day 1 Water 1 inside plant 1 Take Bloodpressure 1 Sew on 1 badge for Eldest 7 1 One good thing 1 Check Yappy Dogs night water bowl 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Play with Cats Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 14 1 Desk 1 Computer room ottoman 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 3 1 Bathroom down 3 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Grandpa's table 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 13 1 Basement 1 Random organizing project Do 2 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 empty out car daily 1 clean our bathtub 1 Sort Produce on counter 1 Wash window or mirror 2 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 10000 steps 8 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 10 minutes at lunch 1 Walk 5 minutes after dinner 1 Walk 5 minutes in morning do 2 1 Take Agent K9 for a walk 2 1 7 hours with 250 steps 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 17 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 4 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Eat A Salad 1 Take Probiotic 4 1 < 3 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 120 oz of water 1 Record sugar in G Total Points Possible 121 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 25.00

Hi. Long time no see, everyone! I finally have the time and am in a mental space where I'm ready to return and get back into shape. On the bad side, moving + covid means I no longer am doing parkour. There isn't a good gym nearby, and I'm at the moment injury-phobic enough that I don't want to risk outdoor play. I'm still battling very low energy levels and weight gain (ugh, tamoxifen), but I'm still in remission! On the good side, hiking has been nice, I've started cycling, and I'll be joining a climbing gym soon. The kids loved their new school last year, and they're both in a great place socially and academically. I'm keeping the challenge simple: 1. I need to do one of the following every single day: yoga, cycling, hiking, climbing, or weight training. No excuses. It might be hot as balls throughout August, but I still can do the yoga, lifting, or climbing. 2. Fasting from 8pm through noon the following day. No more evening snacks. 3. Music: Playing the piano is one of my primary forms of mental self-care. I need to take the time to play at least 15 minutes every day. I'm currently working on Liebestraum (Liszt) and Nocturne #8 (Chopin), as well as accompaniment pieces for my son, who plays cello. Having him progress so quickly and so well in his music has been inspiring me to play, and we have a great time jamming together. 4. Sleep care - Tea + reading at night, since that's the only thing that helps for my insomnia 5. Trying to be a great parent. - For my 13 year old: Help them be more active. Make the time to help with homework. Kiddo wants us to use they/them pronouns, and even though it's a bit hard for me to remember, I need to try to do my best. Both kids are taking Algebra II this year, and I need to make sure the 13 year old doesn't feel insecure about their abilities compared to the 11 year old. - For my 11 year old: 11 year old wants to make it to Nationals for Mathcounts and also wants to qualify for AIME. I need to help him study for his math contests. Also, I need to help support him with his cello.

Warning, this is not a fun gif challenge. There is depression, anxiety, stress, burnout and well, situations no on wants but have to deal with. Please understand that walking away from the bad is not always an option and I have considered a LARGE variety of other options. Support is ALWAYS welcome and amazingly helpful since being alone and thinking no one cares is some of the hardest parts. Honestly, all I can think is I am losing. I lost my Dad’s Mother last week very suddenly. There is almost no family left there. I am losing my empathy since I am seriously stuck in caregiver burn out. I know that some of this is hard, that there are real issues, but right now, part of me wants to just scream at them to do the things they are supposed to do and not be so damn whiny. It won’t help, and make things worse, but part of this is the “THERE IS NO MAGIC BULLET” discussion. I am losing my patience since everyone comes to me and wants me to drop other things to do their things. I am losing my time to time vampires. Some are innocent and don’t know better and honestly, these I don’t mind as much. Some are dark and menacing and some refuse to think that my time is valuable. I am losing my sense of direction and motivation. I feel like I am so pulled in so many places, I barely know which way is up. When I do know which way is up, I have no idea which way to go because so many directions are needed at one time. I am losing my sense of self. I am not the person I want to be. I keep sacrificing future me for current me, or the things I want to do FOR ME, to do for others. This leads to what basically killed my dad. I will deal with me later, I need to do X for Y first. I am losing my ability to be rested. I am not sleeping well, probably from not walking and stress and a million other things. Doing the things will help me actually be tired and be able to sleep. I come home from work, and have started doing the flop on the couch after 6 pm because I have no other energy, and maybe doze, but once bedtime hits, I am awake again. I am losing my strength and flexibility. I haven’t really taken it seriously, but there are days I feel “weaker” and “stiffer” if that makes sense. Nothing like I randomly fall but more like “That wasn’t that heavy last time was it?” or “Why can’t I touch my toes anymore” (I was doing that really well not that long ago). I am losing the progress I had made. The weight that started to come off is coming back. I am eating a TON of sugar that I don’t need. I am not drinking my water because Tea is better. I need to do these things. I am losing my sanity slowly. I am so torn between being the person I need to be, covering what I need to cover, and at the same time, dealing with the negativity and issues that are a side effect. Too many days, I just find myself in the “I can’t stage” unless it’s absolutely necessary. So, after all of this, I am trying to come up with a “NOT ANYMORE” moment,a “I totally have this and I am going to do the super watch me fix it all thing. Problem is, I don’t see that working either. I am in quicksand and I can’t just turn on a dime and nope out here. I need to be small with my expectations and do what I can. So, as much as it pains me, I am going to cut the numbers on my boxes. I am going to still try to do MORE than I must, but a “Do Something” challenge is only going to make me feel more like I am losing, but lowering the total to work on might not. I will still be doing boxes, mostly the same from last challenge. Big one is that I am changing the do 1 thing for Mom to do 2 things for Mom since I am not keeping up on the workload for her and things like bills are being put off if I am at her house EVERY DAY. This is me, trying to find a way to turn around, maybe find something to pull myself out of here, get to solid footing and move forward. Anyone got something I can grab?

¸„.-•~¹°”ˆ˜¨ Health & Happiness Are Hard ¨˜ˆ”°¹~•-.„¸ Wherein the Cracked_Belle Un-Dies 𝔽𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕒 𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘, 𝕐'𝕒𝕝𝕝 I am diagnosed with a lot crap that makes life hard — manic depression, C-PTSD, OSFED (eating disorder), OCD, anxiety, some chronic pain, and other crap. these aspects of me and my life are going to come up in my journey to getting back on track with my health and happiness. I'll try to be sensitive to triggers, include warnings such as this where needed, and use spoilers when necessary. but this is my "cover my butt" warning. thanks in advance for you understand. life is difficult; but I find obtaining Health and Happiness is even harder. as aforementioned, I have some mental and physical ailments that complicate the normal struggles of life even further. recently, my depression and my eating disorder have been soul-consuming. it's time to end that. I used to be a rather active member of Nerd Fitness in its early days. the life happened and I left for a while. well, I'm back; and hopefully for even longer this time. I'd like to get my life and health in order, lol. as follows are my current Goals for this upcoming Challenge. I, of course, reserve the right to adjust them as time progresses and I see what's going to work for me and what isn't. Get Down to 125 Pounds (ideally by 08/24/2020) Do a Daily Workout weightlifting on MTWRFA everyday: warm-ups and cool-downs MR: upper body — push-up, bicep curl, bent-over row TF: lower body — squat, strait-leg deadlift, calf raise AW: mix/misc — mountain climber, tensor curl, flexor curl, donkey kick cycling everyday AMWR: ~5 mi (2 circuits) URF: ~2.5 mi (1 circuit) Adhere to Caloric Schedule [TW — Eating Disorders] TO BE UPDATED to a point wherein I'm not slowly starving myself gets tweaked and Friday before depending on plans for the week Goal Average Kcal/Day: <700 Sat: 1,200 Sun: 1,200 Mon: 0 Tue: 1,200 Wed: 0 Thu: 1,200 Fri: 0 Log Monthly Body Measurements take body measurements at start of every month Log Daily Metrics continue to complete the daily Metrics spreadsheet, filling it in as completely as possible Make Next Week's Food Plan every Friday, make the caloric and cooking food plan for the following week (as starts on then ext day of Sat) Manage My Mental Health Do Daily AM Prep complete morning preparations for the day, every day Do Daily PM Review complete evening review of the day, every day Complete Mood Form Daily complete the mood tracking form at least once every day Track Meds track all medications and (certain) supplements consumed every day Become a Professional Writer [to be tweaked soon] Find a Career Counselor/Coach solidify a working relationship with a career counselor/career Resume Being Creative Write for One Hour per Week work on any writing project for a total of at least one hour a week Be Artsy for One Hour per Week do any artistic work for a total of at least one hour each week

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” While this quote is widely attributed to Winston Churchill, there's some who argue it's true source. I'm off topic, please pay no heed to my ramblings. It's easy for me to lose track sometimes... Ok, ok all the time. I've been on this site for sometime. During that time I've never followed through any of my side quests to complete my end game quest. It's not entirely uncommon for me to begin anything and sprint right into the field of battle, if you will, and for some time I will excel, push through the gruel and sweat and then I'll lose that initial momentum. This is so true to the point, I really feel that at this point...it's almost damned near inevitable that is what I will do in anything I do. This isn't where I pictured myself at thirty-two years old. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, throw a pity party or be ungrateful for my many, many blessings in my life the Gods have given me. As such, there are many things in my life that I am the one responsible for the fruits they bare. I lost track again.. I think, em, maybe not? I'm thirty-two, overweight, overcome with stress, depression (But wait, there's more!) and anxiety whilst being generally unhappy with where I am in life. I adore my beautiful fiancee, our handsome wee lad and even our aggravating but sweet Shorkie, Gypsy...it's everything else in my life I'm unhappy with and these things are and have been bleeding into those wondrous blessings that is my family. Now that I've either got your attention or lost it (The latter is irrelevant, moving on ha), my name is Drew, and my nickname is Redbeard. Besides being thirty-two and overweight, I'm a gamer, an author, an oughta-be musician and last but most certainly not least a follower of the Anglo-Saxon/Nordic Heathenry and Asatru faith. I also am rather interested in many other beliefs, pantheon's, mythos and Core Shamanism as well those exclusively not separate to their parent faiths. This is my time, I'm nearly middle aged according to the general consensus, and if I don't change these negative things I dislike about myself, I may never be able to.

Tzippi Tastes the Vinegar If you've read the Tao of Pooh (and if you haven't, consider it!), you might remember the allegorical image referenced at the beginning of the Vinegar Tasters, in which three men taste from the same vat of vinegar, one tasting sourness, one bitterness, and one sweetness. These three are representations of the three major religions/philosophies of China, Confucianism, Buddhism, and Taoism. The vinegar is life, and the men each taste it differently. Tai Chi, which I have begun studying and is a hugely positive practice in my life, is largely based on Taoist philosophy. I'm not going to get very deep into Confucianism, Buddhism, or Taoism, as I am at best a tourist and at worst completely ignorant of them. Instead, I am going to use my battered copy of The Tao of Pooh to look at what I want to do in my life, as I get a little deeper into my goals, study of Tai Chi, and continue to grow and refine. The "theme" of this challenge is halfway between using the three vinegar tasters as my models and metaphor, and using the characters from the Hundred-Acre Woods as the same. Taking my inspiration from the inimitable @sarakingdom and @Mistr, I am building on last challenge's success by adding tiny incremental goals to enhance my new habits, rather than adding a million new ones. “Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” Body and mind - * Continue to support my Tai Chi practice with daily work, whether class, Tai Chi practice, or some other exercise. * Once per week, one weight workout or long walk/hike. Could be body weight, or a hammer. Poetry and Hums - * Continue with daily (more often nightly) five-minute+ meditation. Got Calm subscription, starting with the Pooh meditations. * Using my MyOmer App, count the omer every evening. * Once per week, one longer meditation. Try different stuff, report and review here. I may start with metta meditation: Rumbly in my Tumbly - * Three servings of vegetables a day. * Plant more stuff in the garden. Herbs? Will it get warm enough for cukes, zucchs, and tomatoes?

Depression is a bitch. I need to make it MY bitch. After I complained to my therapist (a lot) about the fact that I can't bring myself to care about challenge goals even though I want to make all kinds of positive changes and actually care about myself, she pointed out that depression makes it hard to think/care about the future. In retrospect... duh? So apparently I need to work on not being quite so depressed if I want to make progress on anything else. Boring. Daily Goals (tracker): Take a fucking shower. Eat a fucking plant. Do some fucking stretches. If it takes under 5 minutes to do, do the fucking thing. There are a million and one things I could be working on, but these 4 feel like the most effective attacks against the things that hold me back. We'll see. Currently making a list of extra credit things I can do to improve how I feel but I really need to focus on these. I'm super fucking pissed that I'm at a point in life where I need to make it a goal to shower every day, but such is life. This post and my glorious return by the fact that I have therapy tomorrow and for some reason my therapist disapproves of living in a depression cave and keeps asking about the last time I talked to my friends; turns out "uhhhh..." isn't a great answer. (Sorry.) Also, is it just me or is the Rebel GL position the NF equivalent of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher??

I am running out of ideas for challenge titles. This year I need to work on my co-dependency problems. Living with family members with personality disorders is not fun any more. And since I am also working with them, and we have been hovering on the edge of bankruptcy for the past ten years, I am beyond tired. I have suicidal thoughts every single day. It is not good, and I will cope, but being unhappy is not fun. I have no contact with anyone outside the internet, so have no support of any kind. I also finished my spreadsheet on my spending for the past year, and it is depressing how little I did to make my own life better. If more than half my income go into keeping the workshop running things are wrong. I also bought more than 200 second hand books, 41 large packets of crisps, 5 pizzas and I had fries 11 times. And since the charity shop opened I managed to get some decent clothing, something that has been bothering me for years. My weight is also not in a good place. I started last year at 96.8 kg, dropped to 91 kg, went up to 102 kg, and weighed in this morning at 99.9 kg. It is a long way from my lowest of 76 kg. My eating is actually on track, it is just my activity levels that are too low. I have started working on moving a bit more the past few weeks, and I am feeling better, but I need to do some proper exercise. My car is wonky. There is nothing I can do about it, but it is another worry that is nagging at the back of my head. My health is mostly good. I have not been to the doctor in more than a year, I have not seen a dentist is more than twenty years. There is some issues, yesterday my sciatica flared up again, and I could barely walk, but it got much better throughout the day. For this challenge I am trying to get back into some good habits: 1. Exercise. Do something that make me sweat every day 2. Journal Write a journal every day. 3. Meditate 5 minutes meditation every day. As a side challenge try not to kill anyone. We are starting our work year this coming Monday, and I am dreading it. Spending another year among stupid people I cannot stand is not something I am looking forward too. I am considering becoming an asshole just to drive them away. But getting rid of people in place with 40% unemployment is almost impossible. My to-do list for this holiday was longer than my arm. I did my first item, got sidetracked by my father, had to rebuild a machine, had a burst waterpipe and basically spend my entire holiday doing things other people wanted me to do. I need to work on this boundary thing.

Goal for this challenge: Visit the forum every day, post something, read something. This community has meant a lot to me over the years, and it is not good for me to isolate myself. Other than that, life sucks at present.

And finally I am getting around to not really doing another challenge. Plans: Go to bed early Get up at 5. Go gambling and win millions. I had a few good moments last week.