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nightlight is getting her head back on. seriously, this time.
nightlight posted a topic in RangersMain Quest (for this challenge): "Get Myself Together" This is part 4 of my main quest. Overarching goal is Be Brave. Last challenge I lost my way a bit. I think you all can see more growth in me than I can see in myself, but my eating went out of control and I stopped working out because I was paralyzed by anxiety. I got the news this morning that Asshat will no longer be around. Neither will BoCM. My head says WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My heart hurts and I feel a little dizzy. However, I know this is for the best. My box. My life. Mine. NOTE: this is a 5 week challenge for me. I'll be away from Feb 6-14. (on a boat.) This challenge, I'm back with the Rangers. This challenge isn't really a formal challenge for me. There's going to be no grading. No stress. I will have mini goals that I'd like to meet. But at this point, any expectations that anyone puts on me, I can't commit. Any sort of expectations (by myself or anyone else) is just too much to have right now. I need to pull myself together. Small steps, big changes. From you guys? Just some support. Sounding board, as you've always been. Some of my goals below might be a bit nebulous, but I sometimes don't meet my goals, because I'm afraid people are expecting me to. Which leads me to the thing I wrote two challenges ago that still sticks: After the last challenge kind of face-planting in a number of ways, I really have to vag up, and be brave. It's not about showing anyone else how I can be. It's about letting myself be ME. And not being afraid of that. I have two horrible paralyzing fears that I haven't talked to you all about. I don't actively think about them, but they sabotage me everywhere I go, everything I do. So, here goes. I'm really deathly afraid of success. I don't do the things I'm good at and make excuses on why I don't do them, but the real reason, is because I'm afraid of being recognized. These things are music, writing and photography, for example. The other fear revolves around weight. I've always been heavy. Pre-8yrs old, I was super skinny because I was on medication that killed my appetite. As soon as I went off, I got fat. My highest weight in high-school was 174. My all time highest was probably around the time I moved back to the city, ~185lbs. I've always used my weight as an excuse as to why no one wants to date me. It was just easier to hide behind that, than deal with my own body image and inter-personal issues. I've been told that I keep people at arms-length all the time. And I do. I'm really scared that if I inhabit the body I want, people will see that... and... I don't know how to describe it, but it's scary. It's scary to have to let someone in. Especially after I have tried so hard (Asshat) to do that, and been shut down. The attention is scary. Right now, I feel like this: I want to feel like this: Goal 1: Get back to the box. 3 WODs a week. I absolutely LOVED working on JDanger's cycle. LOVED LOVED LOVED. But because of some other stuff, I feel the best way to get myself back in the game is to get back to my roots. Which is doing the work. Being a part of my box community. I've also been thinking a lot about the Open. Even if I say I'm not going to compete, I will. So, I should prepare for it. I know I am strong enough. I need to do some skill work (see below.) But what really needs work? My motor. What's going to get that better? Doing the work. Goal 2: Skillz bro. 2 Skill days/WL days per week: I want to keep making progress with weightlifting. I'm going to take elements from JDanger's program and elements from some other things and piece together a two day a week WL program. I'll post that once I figure it out. I also need to do some skill work specifically for the open. Ring dips/C2B pull ups, specifically. Goal 3: Maintenance Keep it up, yo!: I need to get back into rehab. Reverse Hypers. Lots. Side Quest Diet/Lifestyle: Eat to Perform Track it! Part of my neurosis are definitely related to body image, weight, size, etc. The main goal is not necessarily to lose weight or inches, however I will be tracking those. The main goal is to feel good about myself. Feeling good about myself is wrapped up in these neurosis. If I feel good about what I eat, I will feel better about myself. I will achieve this goal by tracking what I put in my gluten-free pie hole. I will be following Eat to Perform for this 6 week challenge. (THIS GOAL FROM LAST CHALLENGE STICKS!) ** tracking here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/needanightlight I also need to make sure I'm getting enough protein, fish oil, ZMA, and BCAAs. Side Quest/Life: UFYH Unfuck MY habitat! 5 min per day. Apartment clean up. Current strength footnote: Back Squat: 190 Front Squat: 165 Deadlift: 235 Clean: 130 Hang Clean: 115 Jerk: 130 C&J: 130 OHP: 90 Bench Press: 120 Snatch: 98 all in lbs