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Main Quest (for this challenge): "Get Myself Together" This is part 4 of my main quest. Overarching goal is Be Brave. Last challenge I lost my way a bit. I think you all can see more growth in me than I can see in myself, but my eating went out of control and I stopped working out because I was paralyzed by anxiety. I got the news this morning that Asshat will no longer be around. Neither will BoCM. My head says WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My heart hurts and I feel a little dizzy. However, I know this is for the best. My box. My life. Mine. NOTE: this is a 5 week challenge for me. I'll be away from Feb 6-14. (on a boat.) This challenge, I'm back with the Rangers. This challenge isn't really a formal challenge for me. There's going to be no grading. No stress. I will have mini goals that I'd like to meet. But at this point, any expectations that anyone puts on me, I can't commit. Any sort of expectations (by myself or anyone else) is just too much to have right now. I need to pull myself together. Small steps, big changes. From you guys? Just some support. Sounding board, as you've always been. Some of my goals below might be a bit nebulous, but I sometimes don't meet my goals, because I'm afraid people are expecting me to. Which leads me to the thing I wrote two challenges ago that still sticks: After the last challenge kind of face-planting in a number of ways, I really have to vag up, and be brave. It's not about showing anyone else how I can be. It's about letting myself be ME. And not being afraid of that. I have two horrible paralyzing fears that I haven't talked to you all about. I don't actively think about them, but they sabotage me everywhere I go, everything I do. So, here goes. I'm really deathly afraid of success. I don't do the things I'm good at and make excuses on why I don't do them, but the real reason, is because I'm afraid of being recognized. These things are music, writing and photography, for example. The other fear revolves around weight. I've always been heavy. Pre-8yrs old, I was super skinny because I was on medication that killed my appetite. As soon as I went off, I got fat. My highest weight in high-school was 174. My all time highest was probably around the time I moved back to the city, ~185lbs. I've always used my weight as an excuse as to why no one wants to date me. It was just easier to hide behind that, than deal with my own body image and inter-personal issues. I've been told that I keep people at arms-length all the time. And I do. I'm really scared that if I inhabit the body I want, people will see that... and... I don't know how to describe it, but it's scary. It's scary to have to let someone in. Especially after I have tried so hard (Asshat) to do that, and been shut down. The attention is scary. Right now, I feel like this: I want to feel like this: Goal 1: Get back to the box. 3 WODs a week. I absolutely LOVED working on JDanger's cycle. LOVED LOVED LOVED. But because of some other stuff, I feel the best way to get myself back in the game is to get back to my roots. Which is doing the work. Being a part of my box community. I've also been thinking a lot about the Open. Even if I say I'm not going to compete, I will. So, I should prepare for it. I know I am strong enough. I need to do some skill work (see below.) But what really needs work? My motor. What's going to get that better? Doing the work. Goal 2: Skillz bro. 2 Skill days/WL days per week: I want to keep making progress with weightlifting. I'm going to take elements from JDanger's program and elements from some other things and piece together a two day a week WL program. I'll post that once I figure it out. I also need to do some skill work specifically for the open. Ring dips/C2B pull ups, specifically. Goal 3: Maintenance Keep it up, yo!: I need to get back into rehab. Reverse Hypers. Lots. Side Quest Diet/Lifestyle: Eat to Perform Track it! Part of my neurosis are definitely related to body image, weight, size, etc. The main goal is not necessarily to lose weight or inches, however I will be tracking those. The main goal is to feel good about myself. Feeling good about myself is wrapped up in these neurosis. If I feel good about what I eat, I will feel better about myself. I will achieve this goal by tracking what I put in my gluten-free pie hole. I will be following Eat to Perform for this 6 week challenge. (THIS GOAL FROM LAST CHALLENGE STICKS!) ** tracking here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/needanightlight I also need to make sure I'm getting enough protein, fish oil, ZMA, and BCAAs. Side Quest/Life: UFYH Unfuck MY habitat! 5 min per day. Apartment clean up. Current strength footnote: Back Squat: 190 Front Squat: 165 Deadlift: 235 Clean: 130 Hang Clean: 115 Jerk: 130 C&J: 130 OHP: 90 Bench Press: 120 Snatch: 98 all in lbs

For the most part I really lucked out in the In-Law lottery. I love my in-laws and enjoy their company. They quickly got over their initial judgement of me and have been nothing but accepting and encouraging since. Except one for one thing. One major thing. They drink. A lot. As the child of an abusive alcoholic this is not okay. So I try to limit it when I can. Obviously drink water, got to places/do activities where alcohol isn't a part of the landscape, only get limited quantities of alcohol for good dinners. It doesn't seem to help. This weekend they came down. We had a bottle of white among the 4 of us when they got in. I had a couple bottles for nice dinners through the weekend that were on the counter but put aside. After my husband and I went to bed they opened one of the bottles, and drank the whole thing. They also finished 1/2 a bottle of whiskey. Fast forward to the next day. We go out and have a great day wandering around an arboretum. Nice lunch out. They ask to stop at a liquor store on the way back. Being foolish I thought it was just to grab another bottle of white, since they drank the last bottle the night before. I should have known better. Vodka and tequila. As soon as we got home the bottles were opened (6pm-ish) and they started drinking. I had a gin and tonic, minus the gin. Mother-in-Law had a vodka and tonic, minus the tonic. I cook dinner and the husband opens a bottle of the nice red wine to go with. The four of us drink that like civilized human beings. After, the M-i-L goes back to the vodka and the F-i-L goes to the tequila with ice. The total damage? 1/2 a bottle of vodka, 1/3rd a bottle of tequila. I've talked to my husband about this in the past. He knows it really bothers me, but is non-confrontational about it. My sister-in-law is on the other coast and a bit preoccupied with toddler to really be able to help. I'm left feeling like this isn't my place to say anything but screaming inside that someone needs to do something. At this point I feel like I can only refuse to drink around them and hide all the adult beverages when they come visit. Start skipping family events (a major issue as they live 4 hours away so it isn't like not popping over for Sunday dinner, but would involve skipping holidays) and I don't know what. It feels very passive aggressive. They don't know about my alcoholic parent (who has now been dry for 17 years) out of my respecting said parent's wishes in keeping quiet about it. I'm just at my wit's end. This is clearly not okay behaviour and my hands are pretty tied. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not going to end up spending the holidays alone on a beach in the Caribbean to make a point.