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Fear of How I Will Change
Rin Asami posted a topic in Rebel Introductions and the Respawn PointOk, here it goes. I'm going to lay it all out here, hoping that someone has gone through the same things and can offer advice or support. I'm hesitant to post my fears online but everyone seem helpful here and I've gotten a lot more hope after starting to read Steve's book. I have been a quitter of most things all my life, that's pretty sad considering I'm 32 years old now. I'll be all "gung-ho" at first and really work at it, say eating better or exercising five days a week, and then I'll just stop after a few weeks or a few months. I start to see some good results and I just stop...like something comes up and I get sick or I can't work out one day so that one day becomes a few days and then I quit. The only real things I haven't quit in my life are: college, my marriage, my current job (that I so want to get out of), and then my studying of Japanese (going on 2 yrs now, woot!) I've be diagnosed with anxiety/depression, borderline personality disorder, and ocd...so...not fun things but meds help some. I've also got some of the lowest self-esteem that I've ever seen. I've also been thinking a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that not only am I scared of failure and success but I'm afraid who I will become if I do succeed...which I guess does fall under the fear of success. I am terrified of the person I could/would become if I succeed and get that job that doesn't treat you poorly or lose those 60 lbs that I need to lose to be healthy or go on that language learning vacation to Japan alone (which would be my first trip/time alone Ever). Fear just has me by the throat. I'm so scared that I'll turn into someone that isn't happy with my current surroundings after I succeed. I mean, my husband is doing great at his side business now and I admit, I am jealous but proud of him, but he is overweight and choosing to do this side job vs get healthier. So if I really get at it, lose the weight, or do things by myself...what if I really like it? What if I feel great and then realize that I may not need him anymore or want to be with him. I love him dearly and maybe this is the stress of the lack of time we have due to the side job, but I really fear these things. I also feel guilty because my husband started the side job (which he loves because it involves his hobby) because I was complaining a lot about lack of savings. So here I am aggravated with my life and knowing something needs to change and it starts with losing some weight and gaining self confidence but every time I get started I start to worry again. It seems so silly because no one can predict the future and it sounds dumb to not get healthy or not try to fulfill my travel dreams because of what-ifs. And of course, I'm just plain lazy most of the times and feel like after I get home from work and do chores that I'm poop and don't want to do anything. Then i find that excuse that I'm too tired and I'm not a morning person so I can't get up an hour earlier. Gosh, I'm so full of excuses. So, I'd appreciate any comments if anyone has had these types of feelings before. I thank you for bothering to read if you got this far too! lol