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I'm just not enjoying college so far. Almost the entire time I've been in college, I've hated it. I've only enjoyed certain times in college, and the only semester that I ever really loved was the first Freshman semester, and that's because everything was so new, and shiny, and I was thrilled to meet new people. Now it just feels like a chore or grind, and like everyone moves too fast for me to ever have a meaningful connection with them. Especially since I go to a commuter school, in one of the most dangerous cities in the country, which is another reason why I hate it here. Right now, I'm trying to decide whether if I want to stay with Earth Science and join the military afterwards, stay with Engineering Technology and possibly join the military afterwards, or quit after this current school year and enlist, or try going to college while in the military. It seems like all the things I want to do in life, like seeing the world, helping others directly or in-directly (like doing rescue work), learning how to take care of myself, how to defend myself and others, how to save others, how to build, repair, and drive/pilot vehicles and drones, and so on, are either not easily done in civilian life, or are expensive, or the pay-off isn't good. To do rescue work outside of the Coast Guard, I would probably be an EMT or firefighter, which from what I hear, isn't a very good-paying career path, and not worth leaving college for. To travel, I would have to pay to do so. Besides that, I just want to pursue my other goals and hobbies. Like parkour and martial arts, learning how to play the harmonica, piloting drones and taking photographs (or at least until they're outlawed). But those are just hobbies, and I'm still not entirely sure what I would be doing as an Engineer Technologist. I would assume more work with things like wiring and robotics, if I went down the Electrical Engineer path. If I stick with Earth Science, I may get to do more surveying work that involves more interaction with people, and surveying and examining certain wild locations, as well as potentially make good money from working with GIS systems, which is what I'm more interested in, and it would let me graduate sooner. The only problem with it, is that I have to learn how to speak another language. Now, I think it is important and very useful for any being to learn another language. It's just, I really, really don't enjoy learning how to speak Spanish. To me, it's too similar to English. Some words are just like the English version, some are swapped all around and are spelled completely different. Also, I still can't roll my R's. But everyone said "Spanish is the best language for business", they said. "It's the easiest language to learn", they said. It's fairly uninteresting to me, and very difficult for me to learn, and it doesn't help that I took a year off from Spanish because I was major-hopping, and learning a secondary language is a requirement for Earth Science, but not for Engineering Technology. Everyone tells me it's best to stick with the language I started learning, but I'd rather learn French or something. At least with French, there are other pronunciations I can handle (correct me if I'm wrong), and I can practice by watching an anime I really wanted to watch called Wakfu. I'd even rather learn Japanese or Arabic. From what I've heard, Japanese and Chinese, although quite different, are more systematic than English or Spanish. Also, they look like an alien language to me. Yes, that makes them a fuck-ton harder to learn, but at least it's interesting. Like learning some language from an ancient alien civilization. Plus, there's plenty of animes and mangas I can read that use Japanese. Virtually all of them. Hell, I'd LOVE to practice learning how to speak and read another language by watching and reading something I already love. I can't easily think of anything I would want to, or can, watch in Spanish, unless I try to watch some Spanish dubbing of some show, which is kind of hard without a TV. Hell, I'd say I recognize more Japanese phrases when I hear them than Spanish phrases. I can even learn another language and graduate on time, if I can take a course over the summer, although that's a fair-sized IF. Besides that, everything is OK, it's just I have no interest in most of my courses this semester, and I almost feel like putting no effort into Spanish. The only courses I'm really interested in, are one of my Earth Science classes that have to do with natural events and how they affect people, and a First Aid and CPR class that I chose to take because I felt it was something I needed to know for my own sake and others. I think if I just find some way to keep myself occupied, and once I've gotten a handle on or drop Spanish, I'll be alright for this semester, at least. But I don't want to just be "alright" and make it through each semester. I want to be great. I've been working on some personal issues and trying to figure out why I don't feel motivated to do anything (other than work on my fitness, play games, do CPR, and learn how to fly drones, and learn how to fight) since my second Freshman semester, but I haven't had much success. Some suggested that it might be depression, so I took anti-depressants, but then my dad tried talking me out of using them, and then someone told me that it wasn't depression. Then someone told me it might be ADHD, but I haven't been able to get tested for it because I didn't think I could afford it, until recently. So I'm gonna get tested for it ASAP. I've grown and matured in many ways, and have gotten more control over my social anxiety (mainly by not caring about others and what they think nearly as much), and I actually do have an idea of what I want to do in life, but I still don't feel like doing this school business. That's why I think I went to college too soon. My family's poor, I was eager to get out of my parents' house, I didn't think it was possible to travel or join the Peace Corps or something for a few years before going. The college I'm attending doesn't teach me all the things I'm interested in, and I'd rather go to trade school, but I'm here now, and if I continue down the Earth Science path, I'll graduate in two academic years, if I get no Fs or Ds, and my language classes go OK. It's tempting to drop out and join the military, but that won't impress the Coast Guard, I need time to get in shape, and if I decide I don't want to join, I need something to fall back on. OK, rants over. I just needed some time and space to write my thoughts out and organize them. I think I know what I have to do now.

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email. It was from myself, having sent it precisely a year before, packed full of predictions for the coming year: learn to do a backflip (90% likely) still living in Cambridge, UK (75%) England to win the football world cup (5%) (...) I wrote it to see how my view of the future would compare with how events actually turn out. The results showed me a lot about how we see the future, so I'm sharing them with the community here On average the predictions were reasonable. Out of 8 items I'd considered to be 40% likely, 3 happened (38%). Out of 12 things at 60%, 5 happened (42%). Both things at 85% did happen. However, my view for the future was clearly a lot more exciting and action-packed than my predictions! I didn't realise it at the time, but if my predictions had been accurate, I'd hardly have had time to catch my breath amongst everything else. To simulate this, I took some random numbers and interpreted these to determine what would happen in an example year - and got the following: still doing weightlifting and football changed career completely and bought a house composed more piano music, and went to another metal concert entered the Mental Calculation World Cup 2014 travelled to 2 new countries had an active love life learned to front handspring, to backflip and to handstand (more minor things) Imagine how much effort it would take for all of that happen in a single year! 2014 was a good year for me, but not quite this busy! Why were my predictions like this? I think there are several connected reasons: [a] We tend to make predictions - and plans - in isolation. Yes, if I made it a priority I could compose a metal/guitar composition, but then I'd be prioritising something else less. Maybe I'd be doing less gymnastics. Yes, I could've decided to change career, but after all the thinking and applying and admin and stuff and indecision, I wouldn't have as much energy for learning to drive or going travelling. I find that the same thing often happens in NF challenges - I choose several goals that would be reasonable if they were the only thing being worked on, but forget that when we have 5 goals like this, there just isn't enough motivation available to do everything One year is a long time! I've just Googled it, and there are various quotes to the effect that "you overestimate what you can do in a year, but underestimate what you can do in ten years". [c] I am overconfident. The items in my list that I assigned the most exaggerated probabilities to were the ones that would have caused me the most pride, for example achieving various gymnastic and strength goals. It's sobering to see this overconfidence illustrated so vividly, but it's actually something I value quite highly. It's so much easier to motivate yourself to do difficult things if you have an unreasonably high confidence in them. Taken to the extreme, you become simply deluded with limited ability to make useful plans. But in moderation, it can significantly help your progress towards your goals. Furthermore, you have more fun in the process if you believe you're always on the cusp of greatness (If you're an underconfident reader, it's worth working on increasing your expectations of the future for this reason) So how will all this change my outlook of the future? I'll still have the same optimistic viewpoint, but I'll remember to act as if life will change less quickly than I expect. And that means that if I want anything to change, it requires me to be proactive about that change, because I can't rely on the random fluctuations of life to bring about those changes for me.

Looking at how my life has been lately, I may bring up dark topics, like depression, suicide, sadness, vulnerability... Spending so my time with these thoughts, I've gotten very used to them. 1) To do the right thing Last 2-3 months I have spent about 50-75 % of my time at work on webcomics, and non-work related websites, like Tvtropes.org and Cracked.com. But I have still gotten my salary. That is same as I had stolen the money, and I need to talk to my boss about this. But I might get fired, and/or need to return the money. But it's not mine, so the talk must be had. Continuing the 1000 cuts upping it to 200 points at the end of the challenge. And continuing the gratitude journaling. 4) At least 2 hours of productive homework time/day, 5 days/week. I have a ten page essay (due end of this month) and practical training paperwork to do. -I'm grateful for the NF community among other things for encouragement, and words of hope. -I had a decent meal health-wise lately. -A 3.5 mile/5.5 km walk, and some bodyweight exercises lately. I feel a bit better because of it. (Seems like I can't see much in my life to feel grateful for.) Hence the challenge.