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The personages and equipment in the Gym are varied and possibly unstable. Contact with equipment and patrons should be minimized to avoid injury to both body and mind. It is of the utmost importance that you not speak to anyone while in the gym. Should your find yourself talking to someone mention a rash or attempt to have sex with them. If one of these methods is not effective to stop conversation try the other. The combination has a very limited failure rate. There is a theory that people will use equipment no matter how ineffective it is. This theory was debunked when after equipment devolved to an old man wiggling about with a bit of garden hose. The people of the gym decided that was entirely too silly and everyone collectively simply stopped that nonsense. The giant bouncy balls for people to sit on were kept. It’s best not to question the logic too closely. People go to the gym to get into shape. No one is certain which shape and fewer know what they do once they achieve that shape. There are great architectural opportunities for those who achieve “pentagon†and “pyramid†shapes, though these are not generally mentioned while in the gym and sometimes attributed to aliens. Freeweights are for people who like to lift heavy things and be very aware of how heavy the thing they are lifting is. You will know these people because they are larger and often interested in attending conventions for local firearms dealers. It is believed their obsession with guns is related to errors in using freeweights. An error results in a loud bang, similar to a gun. Dissimilar to a gun is the number of resulting holes. Guns make many small holes in people, animals, little bits of orange clay, and most notably: paper with circles on it. Freeweights make far fewer holes and mostly in walls and doors. The gun’s natural enemies normally go unharmed, though the little bits of clay are in significant danger if freeweight technology is ever weaponized. Treadmills are fantastic inventions for people who wish to walk very far, but don’t want to walk very far coming back from walking very far. It was once suggested that everyone walk half as far and walk back, but we discovered that she was working for the sidewalk manufacturers’ lobby. Rowing machines are fantastic inventions for people who wish to row a boat, but cannot swim. Some of the romance is lost and singing is discouraged, but you are permitted to wear a straw hat and give a flower to your date no matter what Chad says. Chad is a stick in the mud. Stationary bicycles are fantastic inventions for people who wish to ride a bike, but don’t want to muss their hair with either a helmet or wind. Of course, after riding your stationary bike it is strongly encouraged that you wash and style your hair since it will have gotten covered in sweat. Elliptical machines are fantastic inventions for people who want to be giggled at while they pretend they are falling out of an airplane. This machine makes the most sense out of all of the machines in the cardio section as you avoid falling out of the airplane while enjoying the activity. No one knows what that machine in the corner is for. It has three foot pedals that are far too high and it has no handles. No one is certain if there is a weight attached or not. As soon as a three legged alien comes to the gym in pursuit of becoming a pyramid we will be enlightened. It does have a television, though. Weight machines are one of the most popular way to exercise in the gym. People using this equipment are considered quite clever as the machines simply look like bits of spare plumbing yet they have managed to improve the appearance of specific body parts. There is evidence that results are in fact plumbing related: after the local gymnasium renovated their showers a Connecticut man’s left bicep shrank significantly. Steam rooms are places to go if you want to remember how lucky you are to not be living on a volcanic rim. You will be able to chart the progress of memory loss by age if you monitor the steam room long enough. There are rooms set aside for classes where people dance in lines, fight people that aren’t there, jump up and down, and writhe around on the floor. Only one class has been described to the reader. There is an area of the gym that promises “Tasty, healthy refreshments!†The most common products include ground up bits of plants, ground up bits of animals, ground up bits of rocks, and ground up bits of milk which begs the question “How did you grind a liquid?†It’s often found that these refreshments are supplemented with snack foods from the 7-11 around the corner where you are unlikely to be recognized. Snack foods from the 7-11 are neither refreshing nor healthy. Generally, the less sane you behave the healthier you are considered. There are thresholds and attempting to start the machine uprising while positioning yourself as the leader of the army of weighted plumbing and non-travelling travel devices is frowned upon. See entry on rowing machines for more information on Chad. Most gyms offer swimming pools. These pools are designed for swimming regular laps in order to exercise. You will also be required to take a shower before you use the pool and you will want to take a shower after using the pool. In short you are will get wet and clean before getting wet and dirty and finally getting wet and clean so you can dry off. These pools are probably not available for swimming at any time you are free to swim laps as the gym is offering swimming lessons in the pools at the times the students are available. On average, a great deal of time and disappointment is saved if you just take a shower in your bathing suit and tell everyone you went swimming. The locker room contains lockers, the weight room contains weights, but the yoga room is just an empty room with some foam rubber in it. When you come to the gym you pay a fee to join and then are given one free session with a trainer. The trainer will use that session to see what kind of shape you are in which inevitably means you are not in shape because you have never been to the gym before. This is productive somehow.