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I am completely and utterly lost. I don't even know where to begin this post. I gained 20 pounds in the past year and I feel like a fucking failure. I'm stressed beyond belief about work, school, internship, homework, internship homework (there's a difference), romantic disasters, and more. My best friend of 26 years stole $260 from me and unfriended me on facebook and won't return my calls. I have no idea WHY this happened. Every woman I'm dealing with is a fucking disaster that makes me feel completely unsatisfied. I'm tired of telling coworkers about all my lady stories. They think I'm "living the dream" because I'm fisting a woman, beating another's ass, tying them up, having another one put a collar on me and dominate me, and there are a bunch of others that I talk to and fool around with once in a while? No. I'm miserable and I'm using physical intimacy as a coping mechanism. I want true love, not tons of women around me. I utterly hate my job and every hour I'm there, I'm going insane. This job is so completely underneath me that I'm actually insulted and disgusted with myself that I still am going to it. I'm calling out sick tomorrow because it's after midnight right now and there's no way I'm waking up and working at 6am tomorrow. Fuck that. FUCK that. I hate my 'friends'. I call them 'friends' because they're basically that in name only. I've been more let down by people this year than any other time in my life. It's made me realize just how worthless people are in my life. I hate my internship and the chaos that ensues because of it. I hate how there's no protocol, how there's no one actually trying to make a difference, and I'm learning just how completely fucked homeless clients are. I love my clients/residents, but the bureaucracy that I'm part of makes me sick. And I have to deal with it multiple times per week so it's like a sore wound that keeps opening up. I can't compartmentalize and not think about it. I was at a residency until 10pm Sunday night. And I have someone to contact tomorrow. And I have Outreach on Tuesday, and clients Tuesday, and evening Outreach Tuesday. And I have a meeting to go to. And I have another 2 hour meeting on Friday where I've learned NOTHING. I HATE check-ins for this agency. It's people sitting around with their thumbs up their ass and interns asking the most insipid, banal, awful questions. It always amounts to, "I had a feeling" or "A client did a very obviously bad thing and I'm too much of a fucking coward to say anything to them". I want to facepalm myself in the face so hard that my brain fucking explodes. I hate school with the white hot passion of a thousand dying galaxy suns. I have never felt so goddamn babied in my entire life. 'Common sense' doesn't even begin to describe the curriculum that is talked about. Our 'reflections' are things I write in under 5 minutes. They are supposed to be challenging. Our weekly quiz/review on the readings... I don't even DO the readings and I just bullshit a page and get check-marks and comments like, "Great point!" on my writings. I feel like I'm in 2nd grade math class and I'm going to get a fucking sticker for knowing what 5+5 is. We had an actor come into the class in groups and pretend to be a client. The actors were told to make us 'uncomfortable' apparently. So this actor is grilling me and I'm able to deflect and then after 5 minutes, I say that it's been 5 minutes (we were supposed to talk to them for 5 min only). And the teacher says, "Oh see? See how uncomfortable you were? You'll get clients like that." Yeah, of course, but we also would have PROTOCOL and we would be told what we are supposed to do for our client, and we would know what services we can provide for the client. Not telling US what we are supposed to TRY TO DO TO HELP THE CLIENT doesn't make us good social workers: it makes us confused and inept at our fake job we're pretending to do. I learned nothing from an improv situation where I was given no background information on what goal I should try to get from the client. Are you fucking stupid, school? YES. The answer is YES. I've been doing nothing in my spare time (whenever the fuck that is) but watching youtube videos, jacking off, and eating junk food. I feel subhuman right now. And I utterly loathe who I am right now. I can't do this anymore. I'm pulling the plug on facebook. I'm pulling the plug on youtube. I'm pulling the plug with a lot of these women. I'm deleting people from my life. I need to. And I'm also taking charge of what I'm eating, my workouts, my schoolwork, and my internship. I've felt like I've been drowning in a sea of shit for close to 2 years now. The past solid year that shit-sea as doubled with dating. And the past 5 months has turned into a shit-tsunami when factoring the inept internship into the mix. I hate every single thing about my life in this moment. I hate where I live, the people in my life, the activities in my life, and so on. I've been fantasizing about how amazing a world plague where 95% of humanity dies would be like. I'm not doing well mentally. I feel suicidal. I need help. And I don't know where to get it anymore. When I was on here, I felt amazing. And then after my last spartan a couple years ago, I sort of disappeared. That was the catalyst to become Teros and purge old mike. And it worked for a while, but at the cost of neglecting NF. Then I get shit from some 'higher-ups' that doesn't sit well with me and puts a bad taste in my mouth. Then slowly, most of the people I came to know and love on this site disappeared. They were either tired of the same crap that I was, or gave up on trying to better themselves and instead would talk to me through other channels. I feel like I'm a ripped apart and dirty rag floating in the dusty wind, just getting caked with grime. I have cabin fever, only it's with *HUMANITY*. I can't stand who I interact with on a daily basis. I use unhealthy coping mechanisms. I want to break and destroy things constantly. I feel myself on the edge of making a horrible mistake and lashing out when the last straw breaks my back. I hate myself and everyone around me. And I can't shake it. Something has to give and it has to give now. This new challenge couldn't have come at a better time. After all the shit I've been dealing with in my personal life, I need a complete reboot. Anyone that talks to me on facebook, just talk to me on here instead. I can't go on facebook anymore. It's too painful psychologically. And I'm not being over-dramatic with anything that I've written. All of this is completely, brutally honest. I've been posting for far far far too long about wanting to make a 'comeback' or some shit on NF but then I don't fucking do it. I've tried to ween myself off of junk food and that's never worked. I've tried to ween myself off of social media and that's never worked. I've tried to ween myself off of videos and that's never worked. I've tried to ween myself off of physical intimacy and that's never worked. I've wanted to ween myself into getting back onto NF and that's never worked. Weening, or any sort of gradual change, simply does NOT work for me. I'm a man of extremes, so I need to use that for good and completely overhaul. With all of this bullshit off of my chest, my goddamn challenge that I'm doing for good is this: 1) Whole30 - Should be obvious. Not 80%. Not 90%. Not 95%. Not 99%. 100% or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again. 2) Facebook Fuckoff - No more facebook. I haven't checked it in the past couple hours. If I go on tomorrow, it's to make a post saying that I'm fucking quitting it for a month and that's it. 100% or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again. 3) Youtube Fuckoff - No more youtube. This includes any time that I think of a funny thing that I want to show on my posts. Too bad. I'll just have to deal without posting any links. If I post any youtube links then I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again. 4) Women Twice - I see one of the ladies once a week for a movie day. This weekend is the last of the horror movie binges. After that, I will NOT spend a whole day with a woman. My life is too goddamn important to spend it dicking around with hot women all the time. I'm spending two evenings per week with women and that's it. Cutting out facebook will also change this dynamic so this is subject to change as I see how it goes. 5) Work out - Probably the only thing I've been doing right has been exercise. I've been getting into 2 interval joggings and 1 mma class per week. I'm sticking with this for the challenge until I want to do more times per week. I do 3x workouts per week or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again. 6) No Porn - No more going on any sites whatsoever. I've noticed that the more I do *that*, the more weak I become. Why the hell am I doing this when there are real, living, breathing, hot options that want to be with me? And why the fuck am I putting myself in a position where I feel unworthy? It's mentally unhealthy for me to do this, EVER. I've never been on a porn website and thought, "Ah, I feel better now". It's more shame and guilt than it's worth. So I'm stopping or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again. 7) Have a Life - With the work, school, internship trifecta of diarrhea in my life, I need to have a life outside of that. With facebook trolling and youtube zombie-time being completely ruled out or I quit NF forever, this means I will dedicate one evening per week to do one of the following things: -Writing a report -Reading a book -Painting -Creative writing -Claywork I do something that I'm proud of once a week or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again. No more gradual change. No more 'kinda'. No more half-assing anything anymore. I either fucking do this or I don't deserve to be Teros anymore.