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iatetheyeti posted a topic in Daily Battle LogsSome days are difficult, everything is a fight and no win feels like a victory. Some days are easy, everything flows and smiling is no effort. Some days are empty, I don’t know where those ones go or how time manages to melt into the abyss unnoticed. Some days are full, a frantic maelstrom of stuff and things that don’t mean anything alone but add up to exhaustion together. And some days don’t pass at all, they linger in awful silence, stretching across weeks until the clouds finally move on and emotions creep back in. Healing is not an easy or linear process, it’s an active process that requires an unearthly amount of work and the threshold for a good day varies wildly. Overall, it’s not entirely surprising that I’m getting my ass thoroughly kicked by my mental health right now. Which why it’s time to start a new chapter and put the focus where it belongs. There are three general areas that need watching. The first, and most important, is self care. Everything from getting out of bed before 3pm to treating myself when need be to remembering to write down any appointments I need to keep. Anything and everything I do to ensure I’m a functional person, and maybe even a happy or comfortable person from time to time. The second is food. There has been a slow improvement here, but as with the recovery process as a whole, it has not been linear. The third and final is fitness. I’ve taken a step back from just about everything out of necessity. Anything that could possibly become something competitive has had to go as the sheer negative impact it had on my mindset was overwhelmingly… not good, to put it mildly. What I don’t want, however, is to have my fitness stagnate and vanish entirely. So I’m figuring that out also. None of this is really about chasing a goal or achievement, it’s more like a restoration of self. So we’ll see how it all goes.
It often seems like we have to fight for everything we get in life, and once we have it, something tries to take it away. Not that that’s always a bad thing, sometimes what we have is less than we deserve, dangerous, perhaps, or maybe something we’re better off leaving behind but have become attached to instead. But it isn’t personal. Chances are there isn’t any kind of something doing any kind of taking. It’s just a thing that happens. We assign meaning to it all by ourselves. I used to believe that everything happened for a reason, that the bad was always a lesson and the good was always a reward. I don’t believe that anymore. There’s a constant rhythm of pushing and pulling, a dance played out across nature conducted by an indifferent universe. Things happen because they happen, because that is the nature of life. It’s up to us what we make of it. It’s up to us what we do with it. I had this challenge all planned out and ready to go, and then the universe pulled. Now I have the threat of homelessness hanging above my head on top of everything else. And maybe this is something that will get resolved tomorrow, maybe my landlady will decide not to sell the flat after all, but until I know one way or the other I have to prepare myself for the worst outcome. But that is not the same as letting fear and anxiety rule my life. Right now it’s a waiting game. At some point I will get an answer and I either get the immense relief and embarrassment that comes with overreacting to something, or I get the information I need to make the appropriate arrangements. After all, even if it does come to the worst, it won’t be a permanent thing. Really, it means carrying on doing the best I can, striving to keep the little trickle of progress going. That was going to be the whole premise of this challenge anyway, but with the focus on the oncoming winter and how that usually leeches both happiness and drive away from me. This latest situation is just the latest pull, but I will keep pushing myself forward regardless. I’m not ready to give up just yet. These aren’t SMART goals, but they are adaptable ones and not too different from the direction I was originally going in. If the worst comes to the worst, I can continue on with the majority of these. If things turn out for the better, I can build on them and take the steps I originally wanted to. Goal One: Food After undeniably massive success with cutting out sugary junk, I’m taking the next step along to improving my diet. Sugar watch - Chocolate almond milk is allowed when I feel the need for the world’s cheapest mocha, plus a weekly non-dairy treat. But only if I feel like it, it’s not an essential, nor is it a reward. Veggies - The current NHS RDA is 5-10 portions of veg a day. I thought that was a lot until I found out that a portion is 80g. Regardless, I will have five portions minimum daily. Goal Two: Movement It turns out that daily walks are not always doable for me, but exercising whilst not leaving the flat is far more agreeable when I’m in a low mood. Therefore I will be capitalising on that (but if I can walk, I will walk). Yoga - I’m keeping the short daily sessions and adding in two extended sessions weekly. Either I’ll follow an NF yoga video or I’ll string together several short sessions to make something longer. No strict guidelines here, just as long as it happens. Mobility - Wrist mobility exercises three times weekly. I have truly awful wrist mobility and it makes so many things more difficult than they need to be, for example I actually cannot do push-ups with my hands flat on the floor, my wrists just do not bend that far yet. Primal movement - Something else to help my sub-par mobility. To begin with I’ll be focusing on two things. First, the simple squat. That’s something I’m going to incorporate at work. Whenever I need to spend time reducing/stocking the lowest shelves, I will settle myself into a squat rather than subject myself to knee pain by kneeling. Second will be the just as simple dead hang. At the end of every day I’ll spend a little time hanging off of my pull-up bar, not until failure, but until near failure. No time limit yet. I'm also not ruling out doing bear crawl/duck walk laps of my flat when I've been sitting still for too long... Goal Three: Recovery I think this could also be called self-defence right now, I’m working on protecting me from myself… Meditation - Continue the daily habit, but also branch out, try new techniques and do more reading on the subject. People - The worse my anxiety and depression get, the more I want to pull back and isolate despite knowing that that only does more damage. I do need to balance this, however, as too much will overwhelm me fast. So I’m going to commit to being more active within the Druids and check in with other people on a weekly basis at the very least. Positivity - A lot of what I have written is heavily flavoured by my current negative mood. I do not want that to become the norm. At all. I want to be able to find the positives, to speak about them, to live them. So I will. I will make an effort to put at least one positive in every update, no matter how small it may seem. And that is that. Fortunately I’ve got the whole of zero week off of work, and I fully intend to spend it calming myself down and allowing myself to relax. All going well, I’ll get the answers I need before the week is up and at the very least that will remove the anxiety caused by waiting and not knowing. For the rest of zero week I will make the effort to check in daily.