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What? Two challenges in a row? Jeez. I realize I didn't do a lot of updating over the last challenge, and really no visiting of anyone else's threads. For me, NF is a very all-or-nothing thing. I used to spend all day on here, updating, reading, encouraging, playing in chat, etc. And then it got to be too much (well, Mr Mir felt it was too much because I wasn't spending any time with him). So, in my way of doing things, the NF switch got flipped to Off. I'm still not sure what an appropriate amount of time looks like. I miss interacting with nerds; I miss talking to the people that have encouraged and loved me through some of the hardest times in my (recent) life. So I'm trying. This is me, trying. I still don't have any clear goals for this challenge, other than continuing my am/pm routine and trying to turn it into a habit. Not doing so great so far - from Jan 11 to 31 I only did my am/pm stuff 6 times. It's easy stuff, but I just wait until too late and then I'm tired and say, "whatever, I can just do it in the morning". As far as the morning stuff...I'm usually running behind during the week, and I guess I'm just lazy on the weekend - I'll get up, put on some pjs, and go downstairs instead of cleaning my guard, which would take all of 2 minutes. Sometimes I take a step back and analyze the reason for putting these things into place to begin with. I don't want to get stuck back in a place where I feel guilty because I'm not doing the things I said I would, but the only reason I said I would do them was so I could accomplish some other goal, and I'm accomplishing the other goal without doing the things. (That seems rambly; does it make sense?) So like prepping my coffee the night before - is it necessary? Not really. I can do coffee in the morning. But it IS kind of nice (especially during the week) to be able to stumble downstairs and basically just hit "brew". Eliminating steps in the morning is good. And cleaning my occlusal guard isn't to accomplish something else but should be done for its own sake - because ew. And meds - goes without saying, really. So, yes, back to the goals. I don't know what to set. There are too many things and I can't decide what's most important. Is it important to do my physical therapy exercises? Is it important to set up a launch pad? Is it important to make sure the dishes are done every day? Is it important to keep laundry off the floor? There are too many options, and then I get overwhelmed and think maybe I should just keep trying the am/pm thing until it's a habit and then add things slowly. But then I think maybe I should discard the am/pm idea because it's not working. Too much stress. Very overwhelm. In other news, which I don't think I talked about last challenge, I got dumped by my therapist. (Bolding bc important thing in the middle of word vomit.) Being dumped sucks. Being dumped by a therapist REALLY sucks. Being dumped by a therapist via no contact/response really, really, really, REALLY sucks. I will admit that I was not great at keeping appointments. But I never no call/no showed. I always let her know. And really...last summer was tough. Some days I didn't have enough spoons to even get dressed. One day I emailed her (yes, we primarily communicated via email) to cancel/reschedule...and I never heard back from her. Ever. To this day. It was just a couple weeks before I was planning to go back to work, and I thought it was probably a good idea to see her. But yeah, no response. I tried not to judge; I figured maybe she was sick or wasn't practicing anymore or whatever. However, I heard through the grapevine that she is, indeed, still practicing. So I vagged up one day and called her. Got her voicemail stating she would return my call within 24 hours. Never heard back. Ever. To this day. It was fairly recent - about 2 weeks ago. Definitely informed my depressive episode. So now here I am, without a therapist, and still in that place of "omg, I'm going to have to find someone new and spend all that time and energy and effort AGAIN" - those of you who are/have been in therapy know exactly what I'm talking about. Rehashing everything all over again...it gets so old. Anyway...other than that, feeling generally sad and weepy today. And frustrated. Frustrated by many things. I'm trying to just sit with it and not judge or be mad at myself that I've basically gotten no work done yet today. Especially since I might start crying at any moment! But! There's a ray of sunshine in the darkness! His name is Benson; I've nicknamed him Bun Bun. He is adorable and soft and cute and sweet...but, in true guinea pig fashion, still very skittish and frightened. Hopefully he will warm up to me in time.

So umm.....hi. Let me explain....no, is too much. Let me sum up: I'm just coming out of the worst year of my life, complete with mental breakdown and taking a medical leave of absence from work, almost getting divorced, and all that good stuff. I've taken a LONG break from NF, for lots of reasons, but I miss my nerds TERRIBLY and I've decided it's time to come back. Plus, I'm trying something different this time. I've spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure, a fuckup, a worthless piece of sludge. I suffer from depression and ADHD, and so things that are simple for others are nearly impossible for me. While I don't necessarily compare myself to other people, I have in my mind this Ideal Person, and the kind of things this person does. I have wasted so much time comparing myself to this Person, falling short, and beating myself up for it. I've decided that it ends, NOW. I've decided to be the best Mir I can be, and that means embracing all the awesome things that make me Mir, while acknowledging my weaknesses but not hating myself for them. I'm not sure exactly how things work around here these days, and also I only decided yesterday to make a challenge, so here are my thoughts thus far: Main Quest: Love Thyself How am I going to accomplish this? I, errr....don't really know. What I've come up with so far is to ask myself two questions: Does this make my life easier? / What will make my life easier? Does this make me happier? / What will make me happier? The non easy/happy things are going out the window. I'm going to look at my life differently. I'm going to look at my SELF differently. I am simply not wired to be the Super Organizer that for some reason I've felt I should be. Instead, I'm wired to be fun, crazy, wild, creative, zany, loud, outgoing, etc etc etc. It's time to embrace me. It's time to be authentically Mir. Other things I'd like to accomplish, but I haven't decided the order/priority in which they fall (and certainly some of them are more than 4 week goals): start doing PT againgo back to gymmake good food choices/cook yummy food at hometake care of myself while at work (this includes things like actually taking a lunch, bringing food to eat instead of drinking coffee and eating candy all day, getting up from my desk once in a while, etc)get Etsy shop off the groundstart doing home improvement stuff again (painting, ugh)