Search the Community

Recap of my Adventure: I'm Teros the satyr. I've been here for almost 3 years. Growing up, I was treated like shit and bullied. Got into a relationship as a teenager which started of ok but after about a year, there were issues that gradually got worse and worse. Stayed with her for 12 solid years and it became an enmeshed toxic relationship. I always felt alone my entire life. Extremely socially awkward, had no confidence, and a therapist said that I was probably high-functioning autistic. I was terrified to do ANYTHING outside of my very limited comfort zone. I binged on junk food and played videogames my whole life; wishing that I could be someone else. That 'else' became my gamertag - Teros. It was my ideal. Teros would do this. Teros wouldn't let that stop him. If I could just be like Teros and do ____. I ballooned up to 360 pounds, when my doctor said I should be 220. It got worse with my ex, as she was an enabler and sabotaged me. I lived a depressed and angry life for over 25 years. Then I found NF. Once I did a couple of challenges, I found my groove and found my people. I started working out with a sledgehammer and I identified with it. I started doing pushups as well wall-ups because I was too overweight to do regular pushups. I got more traction and built a homegym: My issue was always a mental one. I could be strong and I could work out. I wasn't afraid of pain and pushing myself. I kept trying and failing though - misdirection in media paired with lack of confidence and dealing with massive waves of anxiety and depression - I became desperate. Once people on here started believing in me, everything changed. I'm a visual person, so I decided to print out a ton of encouraging comments and created my wall of positivity: I also made an RPG character (which NF is about 2 years late to start implementing...) I was losing weight and it was in spite of my g/f at the time. I did a few whole 30s and kept dropping lbs. I was getting stronger. I upgraded my 10lb sledgehammer into a 20lb 'Warhammer', built the above homegym, progressed to incline pushups and then regular pushups. Then I tried a Spartan. The write up of it: http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/51002-teros-x-spartan/?p=1166122 I gave it .....everything. After that, there was a swell of support for the next one in a few months later. I was terrified and didn't want to do it but I signed up anyway. http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/55919-teros-xii-redemption/?p=1287162 (I'm the one that looks like Hagrid crossed with grumpy cat with glasses on the far left) That experience at Fenway made me realize something that had been eating away at me for years - I wasn't happy. What made me happy was when I was here. Unless I was with You. All of You. My relationship with my g/f was horrible. I never felt cared about or loved. Never felt like I mattered. Never felt like I was a priority. I had to make progress by fighting her most of the time. Being around people that made me feel like I felt that weekend.... I can't explain it. Words don't describe it. Everyone's lives took a drastic turn because of that experience. I was at a tipping point - for almost 2 years, I had been slowly becoming that person that I looked up to. The person that I wished I could be. I felt completely divided. 50% Mike and 50% Teros. That spartan race and being with people that made me feel alive and loved... it pushed me past the 50% mark. I knew what I had to do: I ended my 12 year toxic relationship. The following 9 months were a fucking disaster. She lived with me and it was a nightmare waiting for her to move out. So many emotions were churning. Everything was raw and painful to talk about and deal with. I pushed her out and made her stop making excuses. I helped her get a car, tried to help her learn how to drive (at 30...), gave her supplies she needed, etc. While this is happening (as in, while broken up), I start falling for a girl that I was friends with. I was scared about what I'm supposed to do about any of this. In the end, she 'agonizes' over the decision and cuts ties while still flip-flopping about things. I truly felt she was someone special. However, I think she was emotionally walled off and didn't give me a real chance, opting the 'safe' choice. After my g/f-now-ex has finally moved out, we had a few more fights. We had said that once things settle down, we were going to stay friends and try again; and we weren't going to go dating anyone. Give each other an 'adult chance'. Despite, in all honesty, me not thinking there was a goddamn thing that I did wrong in the relationship (Oh wow, love yourself and do something besides hate everyone and watch tv, and maybe snuggle with me - what a demanding slave driver I am...) I figured if she grew up, we could try again as 'new' people.... Then she goes onto a dating website and dates a guy while simultaneously fucking a manager at her new store she works at. It was like the entire relationship with her was a fat sack of shit where I felt like I was nothing to her. Her running off within DAYS of moving out was like the cherry on top of a raw shit sundae. Nail in the coffin - she obviously doesn't give a single fuck about me or the concept of 'us'. By August 2015, with my ex mostly out of the picture, and the girl that I admitted that I loved shooting me down; I had to do something that was eating away at me since the spartan race back in November. I had to purge. I wrote my entire life story and purged emotionally. Then I purged physically. 17 empty containers out of 19 which held my entire life... ...gone. This was the start of Project Phoenix and it is what I continue with today. I rebuilt the 'southeast corner' of my Satyr cave: Before: VS After: + Project Phoenix is a 3-6+ long challenge setup to kill off what remains of my old self. I hate my old self. Weak. Scared. Self-pitying. Anxious. Angry. Frustrated. Treated like shit. Made to feel worthless. Unloved. I started it with Satyr Begins. Then The Dark Satyr. Now, The Dark Satyr Rises. I Deserve Better. I Will Make Better. Because I Am Better. There are a ridiculous amount of parallels between myself and the Batman archetype. As I thought what I wanted to do over the next year, I realized that this Project was my future waiting for me. I need to be strong enough to take it - to build it. Last challenge, the Project started: Satyr Begins. The Project in it's entirety: Step #1) Purge: -Purge all negative emotions by telling my story. -Purge all possessions by razing 30 year's worth of memories to the ground. (Burn Wayne Manor) Step #2) Satyr-Cave: -Clean the entire cave (Southeast corner) -Prime/Paint Satyr-cave -Get new flooring -Building Project #1 Bookshelf -Building Project #2 Kitchen table -Building Project #3 ****** -Building Project #4 ****** Step #3) New Look: (Become a symbol) -Face fear of cut hair/beard after 3 years/9 months -Face fear of getting piercing -Face fear of getting tattoo -Face fear of getting hair procedure done -Replace the old NF Symbol -New wardrobe Step #4) Schedule: (The will to Act) -Create a week schedule for the following: -Master's Program homework -Master's Program classes -Socializing -Exercise -Work -Decide on secret Batman lessons Step #5) Train (Ongoing): -Whole 30 -Daily walks(or)bleachers / body-weights -Sledgehammer workouts -****Unlocked after Building Project #3 -****Unlocked after Building Project #4 & -Batman Lessons Step #6) Become the Dark Satyr (cryptic on purpose): -Satyr Suit Defense -Satyr Suit Offense -'Wayne' Lessons -Siren's Call -Facing the Past that never was -Defining who I am Forever This challenge I will be working on completing Step #2, Step #3, and continuing step #5. Whole 30 started. Went for a 2+ mile walk the past couple of days. I'll be doing some sledgehammer workout tomorrow after work most likely. Once the other 2 options are ....'unlocked', I will reevaluate. For now, it is daily walks and 3x for some bodyweights, total gym reps, and sledgehammering. This entire time in my life has been Dark Souls difficulty. In the past two years I have lost 80 pounds, beat a spartan race, went from never being able to do wall push-ups, to being able to do 50 wide-grip regular push-ups, went from swinging a 10 lb sledgehammer for a couple minutes and being a sweating mess - to instead wielding a 20 pound sledgehammer for hundreds of reps (and 20lb is too heavy to even sell in hardware stores.), I built an entire homegym - consisting of kettelbells, sandbags, 250lb tractor tire, and some custom 50lb dumbbells, I wrote two years worth of story for an accountability RPG-based group, and I am here with people that I would consider my family, I've broken out of my shell and can talk to people instead of being an Asperger stuttering mess, became a guild leader, have traveled outside of my comfort zone (trains, first time on a plane, went to different states, and even drove to different states - I used to travel within a 5 mile RADIUS), tried new foods, met people from all walks of life, I've shared with people inner secrets, I ended a 12-year toxic enmeshed relationship, took a gamble on love and was crushed but bounced back, got accepted into the Master's program for social work, burned everything that I owned to the ground in a massive bonfire, and have been rebuilding my satyr-cave from scratch. I created this symbol a while back to represent the Dark Satyr. Horns for a satyr and the chin braid bottom point at the bottom. Red background to represent the flames from burning everything. The Dark Satyr Rises