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Hi everyone and sorry for the long inactivity. Why was I gone? So for those of you who don't know... In the past (also explained in the challenges) I have seriously been struggling with myself. I simply don't feel happy, I went to a psychologist and she found I have more than just a depression, which sounded very eerie, but ends up there's something to do about it. But I felt like I was in a very deep pit that I couldn't climb out of. Then I got a badly bruised rib, I felt even more horrible... Then I went on holiday and whatnot. Basically, things were horrible and busy at the same time, which is why I couldn't find the energy or time to do a challenge. But here I am, back in business, hoping I can do something again here. Why am I here? Honestly... I feel I kind of >have to< be here, like I will let people down if I'm not..? But of course I am also here for myself. I want to make a change to my life style, as I have tried many times before, but simply failed, or did a half assed job. Even in the challenges here. I started to notice I have to make my challenges smaller, take baby steps, because when I want too much I lose my energy and motivation, I get stressed, I start binge eating and feeling friggin' horrible about it afterwards, I feel like I can't do anything... Basically I get this mental shit storm that seems to go on and on forever. BUT I want to prove to myself that if I take baby steps I don't have to go through that horribleness again. I want to allow myself to make mistakes. I want to be nicer to myself, comfort myself, say that it's okay and that it's going to be alright... That my feelings are legit, but that I am strong enough to crawl back to feeling better. But I can't do that alone... Which is the real reason why I'm here. I'm here for you guys, because I need you. I'm going to be very open about this: I have felt suicidal for a longer time... Never acted upon it, though. And finally these horrible thoughts cross my mind less and less, which is great, but I do have my fallbacks at times, where I just don't know what to do. Where I don't have energy, not even to do grocery shopping or clean my house, or wash my hair... It's real bad. Previously I've not been so open about this, but I realise I have to be, so people understand my situation slightly better. And I hope that, when I am in such a horrible place in my mind, I will be brave enough to post it here and ask for support. What will I do? Here we come to the part where I explain my challenge. Basically I want to lose weight, but I can't seem to get it done. I don't have the mental strength to stay away from biscuits and chocolate. So instead of trying to deny myself these things, I want to have a look at getting some healthy habits while still allowing myself to have biscuits and whatnot whenever I'm in a binge eating mood. I know right now I can't stop myself from doing such things, so I'm going to have to accept that it happens instead of beating myself up about it. But I can compensate a little bit with healthy habits, right? Habit #1 - Fruit for breakfast Well, it says it all. Previously I would either have sandwiches for breakfast and sometimes even biscuits, because it was the first thing lying around (from previous evening) and I'd think "Oh you know, I'll just finish that so it's out of the house" and next thing you know I'm already in the shop buying new biscuits... So it was never really out of the house. But if I stick to having fruit for breakfast as a rule, that should go better... Right? At least, I hope so. It may take away a little bit. And yes, I know fruits have sugar in them too, but I'm pretty sure eating fruit is less bad than eating chocolate covered oreo's for breakfast. Habit #2 - Squats Now there's a little story to this. On 9GAG (yes, that's right) I came across a wonderful inspirational picture. In the first place I thought "Haha, too long, not gonna read", but I guess I was too curious to actually let it go. And so I read the text on the picture. First reaction: But even though the text in this picture is directed towards men, it still did inspire me and so I commented on it. The OP was very nice to me and told me that he had lost 13 kg in 3 months through "intermittent fasting". I Googled it and found out that's nothing for me. xD And I was honest about that to him. But he also said I should do squats, that it helps and that it's good for your butt. Well, I already knew that, but there was something in the way he said it that I immediately did 20 squats. And later that night 25 more. And this morning another 25 squats. Man, I got inspired! So I want to do 25 squats every morning and every evening. It's not much, but it's something. It's better than doing nothing. 25 squats gives a bit of a burning sensation in my legs, but I don't get a muscle ache from it and I can easily take the time to do 25 squats. Habit #3 - Water Now, I've had water goals before, where I told myself I should drink at least 2L of water a day, or 1.5L or something. But I find it hard to keep track of that. I think I drink enough, but just in case I want to change this goal to something that's easier to keep track of, something smaller too. Every morning, before breakfast, I have to drink a glass of water. It's said to start up your system, to burn stuff, so who knows. It's worth a try, right? How do I measure my goals? Like in previous challenges I will make daily lists of goals I have to achieve. They will look like this: Week X - Day X - [day name] Glass of water - win/fail Fruit for breakfast - win/fail Morning squats - win/fail Evening squats - win/fail 3 wins per day means I've won that whole day. 4 wins per day means I get star status for that day. 5 star statuses in a week means I get to post a picture of a star for that week, to show off my awesomeness. Week 1 (win count = 5, star count = 3) Day 1 win * - Day 2 fail - Day 3 win * - Day 4 win * - Day 5 win - Day 6 win - Day 7 fail Week 2 (win count = 3, star count = 1) Day 8 win - Day 9 win * - Day 10 fail - Day 11 fail - Day 12 win - Day 13 fail - Day 14 fail Even with this challenge it's clear that this was a bad week for me... I struggled a lot this week, mentally. Week 3 Day 15 win - Day 16 win/fail - Day 17 win/fail - Day 18 win/fail - Day 19 win/fail - Day 20 win/fail - Day 21 win/fail Week 4 Day 22 win/fail - Day 23 win/fail - Day 24 win/fail - Day 25 win/fail - Day 26 win/fail - Day 27 win/fail - Day 28 win/fail Week 5 Day 29 win/fail - Day 30 win/fail - Day 31 win/fail - Day 32 win/fail - Day 33 win/fail - Day 34 win/fail - Day 35 win/fail Week 6 Day 36 win/fail - Day 37 win/fail - Day 38 win/fail - Day 39 win/fail - Day 40 win/fail - Day 41 win/fail - Day 42 win/fail