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***This thread may slip to dark areas, like depression or suicidal thinking, so as a warning, it may shake things. And though I may sound harsh and judgemental, please remember, it's not towards you at all, but my inner things. I wouldn't think such things about anyone else <3*** I let things slip even more, to the point it starts to look really hopeless. Before, if I had did my best, and started crunching things, I would've been able to pull through the studies. Now, with another major paper not getting done, and two other assignments being due this week of the challenge, I'm nearly done for. I feel like I'm drifting in a river, floating gently, towards a waterfall. Until about a week ago, I tried to swim against the current, trying to finish schoolwork, at least trying to do something, though feeling worried and anxious. But now, I'm simply floating. Yes, I need to get the schoolwork that affects someone else's marks done, and then... I hope I can go. Not that fixing things is not possible: I could if I wanted to: focus in this moment, do the assignments, work on my shortcomings and faults, like procrastination, lack of sparks in my life, all that stuff. I feel it's too little and too late; that I would need so much more than I am now to do turn this around. I have no mental scars, like abuse or rape or anything major like that, just feel like a piece of sh*t, and that all that I have failed until now, and which I judge myself is a big pile of little pieces of gravel, and it all together is too much to bear. About suicide, so in spoilers: So, tl;dr My problems feel so big, I feel I don't want or can't solve, so I want to get rid of them. Now, I don't want to go like this: wasting my time away, nothing much to show after this life, finishing it half-baked.. All the little things, like hugs, and the rare occasions I've made someone's day, and when I've felt in peace and free, like moments with nature, or time spent with friends, it is encouraging. Things that have helped in the past: 1) The Zen Habits 1000 cuts Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 10:46 PM, said: 200 points, 3-4 things a day. Adding that 5 min of streching, or every 5000 steps over the daily 10k I usually get, are worth one point. 2) Positive, beautiful, grateful things in my life (3 daily) http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/26507-3-things/ http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/24603-pvs-the-honorable-order-of-rebellious-appraising-yeomen/ Like those threads. And from the members, at least Liberator does this, whose gratitude statements are beautiful! Vnv nation, Assemblage 23, Rotersand... I am grateful for great music. 3) Due diligence - Seek out all the deadlines of assignments into one sheet, hang it to a wall, and decide how much I can do, and arrange the rest http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/ Things that help - Leechblock - Firefox addons that blocks sites you want for a certain time. Reduces distraction and procrastination. Aiming to use it daily. - I have to stop worrying. I don't know yet how, maybe that's another goal. - Go to sleep at 10 pm, so the next day isn't such a grind.
"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone" Password accepted. Loading data. Data retrieved. Please pick your goals from previous challenges. I'm going to do a mash up of my previous challenges and put them together to get me closer to where I want to be in regards to my weight/clothes fitting better and my life in general. Beware, the return of the RAKs is here! From my First Challenge: -Beginner's Bodyweight Workout 3 days a week - no excuses anymore. 3 circuits - A; 2 circuits - B; 1 circuit - C; miss workout - F. I will be giving myself an exception on this: my son and I will start Judo on the 30th and it goes for 4 weeks. During those 4 weeks, that can replace a BBWW. 0/3 0/18 From my Second Challenge: SWIFT: Cardio three times a week, 20 minutes at a time. I am working my jump rope skills up to this, so I will run for the minutes I donâ€™t make it on the rope. 3 days - A, 2 days - C, 1 or less - F 0/3 0/18 From my Fourth Challenge: Unicycle/Juggling/Stilt Walking - 4 days per week. I'm calling this one Skills practice. It can be anything that improves my skills. 4+ days - A, 3 days - B, 2 days - C, 1 day - D, 0 days - F 0/4 0/24 Side Quest: From my Third Challenge: I will commit 6 Random Acts of Kindness during this challenge. This goes beyond holding a door for someone. They will need to go above and beyond and it will be done because I can. I will admit now, I am doing this because I believe these acts can change the world, even if it's for the recipient and that is the world I wish to live in. 0/6 There are going to be times where I will falter, I'm sure. I am going to do the best I can on this and I am going to get back to where I was. Right now, I'm sitting at 248 lbs. (as of this morning) when I was down to an unthinkable (for me at least) 228 at my lowest since joining the Rebellion. I will not be deterred. I look forward to Monday's start, and I hope you all enjoy the show you're about to see.