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I do not apparently know how to cut back on stuff, so there's lot still. Gratitude, because it has become a kind of an habit, and helps. Zenhabits 1000 cuts, because even a little exercise is better than none. Not to mean there wouldn't be big workouts as well. Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 11:46 PM, said: 5000 steps over 10k limit is one point. 5 min of streching is one point also. 200 points, and 3-4 points a day. Sort out the schoolmess - Continue study time to next spring - Take stock of all courses, assignments, and thesis steps that needs to be done - Spread out due dates, and mark them of a large calendar sheet - Schedule days, and follow the schedule First 2 this week, and start working. http://calnewport.co...lite-achievers/ Because, when I have done my schoolwork for the day, I want to: Expand comfort zone -interestme1 https://www.reddit.com/r/DecidingToBeBetter/comments/2i3tx6/i_lost_all_motivation_and_drive_that_i_once_had/ Quietly, he said, “If we’re not careful life becomes very small.†We walked the rest of the way home in silence. ~Dominic Smith, The Beautiful Miscellaneous Seriously. The computer, trip to school, library. Most of the time alone, reading or in the house alone. Comfort bubble. Constricting. Oh gods mine is a small one. Fuck I need something new.

Respawn because I am not happy with what I have been doing with my time, and that if I do not create accountability, I know I will just wait for the shit hit the fan. And I do not want that. NSFW so that you know: Brief mentions about my suicidal tendencies, but trying not to spread it all over. And swearwords, because I am angry at myself. “If you were forced to start over. If you had to wipe your slate clean and choose the important things, what would you change? What would you stop doing? Where would you put your focus?†- I have no source, but not mine For TL;DR, read the big, bold, underlined bits: I spend my time in all the wrong places: in front of the screen, PC games, online procrastination. In a nutshell, things that are gone as soon as they’re forgotten. That in the end only take time and do not give anything back. Yes, I do (sort of) enjoy them, but when all is said and done, worthless things. I don’t have many good memories from games or other entertainment, because I have not as a result done anything about the things I’ve learned. I do not cherish most of that mindless fodder. I've half-assed so many of my challenges, not having a drive behind them. Hoarding too many things, and not getting half of them done. I owe so much to so many around here, and I could not, or didn't want to give back to this community. No bueno.After my last challenge, I pretty much gave up. Again. Like a limp fish going down the river, thinking about my suicide plan, and going with the family to visit relatives, or travelling, and doing what felt smooth with the least resistance, but not caring. So I know where the path I am walking leads to, has been leading for a long time. But, yet still: My most beautiful memories either include other people or nature in them. Shooting the shit with friends, without needing to pretend anything, or doing something as a group or together with someone. Or at sundown seeing a wonderful scenery, or a butterfly landing on my hand or seeing one at 10 cm away. Singing with other people. Or a vivid campfire, watching the waves or a forest trail. The two things definitely have a pattern. Quite recently I’ve added creating something through imagination (drawing and writing) as a third valuable thing, (but that's put on hold for a while). For adding more of good stuff, I need the time the mindless shit steals from me. Therefore: http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/ The do less & focus part: Leo Babautas article about the Most Important Tasks: http://zenhabits.net/purpose-your-day-most-important-task/ So my MITs are, based on things I regret not doing Underlined what I focus on this time: 1) My body. Teeth, joints, what I eat. Stretching. Movement. Work out ¨twice a week. Find a class to sign to – pilates, yoga, parkour, a starting gym group. Whatever I can get my hands on, as long as it has good movement in it, and optionally other people. Eat two vegetables a day. At least two, but it will hopefully lead to more. 2) The things that give something back, that I want to focus on. Nature, beauty, new experiences + learning things IRL. Other people. Knowing and being okay with myself. Getting outside my comfort zone. Friends and friendship. Family. Lovers. Caring, connection, understanding. Love. Sex. Breathing in and living right here. Living these things. Something off the list I cherish. Every single day. Something I have never done. Where I haven’t been in my hometown? What I haven’t eaten ever before? Talking to a new person. A song I’ve never heard? 3) The schoolwork. *sigh* is not on the list of unforgettable experiences. I picked the Bachelor of Business Administration because it was the best of all the boring study lines, and would open up many different career paths. Without a higher education I don’t have much hope to get a job, and I don’t want to depend on the state welfare or my parents, because having to depend on others would chew me up eventually. Can’t start a new line of study, as that would take another 3,5 years, can’t drop out as that would close many doors on my future, so the only way is forward. But fuck this, that's bullshit. Without a driving reason this is worthless, right? *deep breathing* *deep breathing* Okay. Right now I do not have anything else to scrape a living from in the future, and I do a lot of soul-sucking things on a daily basis anyway, so where's the difference? So it's labeled as Shit I Fucking Gotta Get Done. A task a day. An assignment, or an A4 of text. A clear piece of progress that I do not have to return back to fix errors from.. Between the time I wake up at 8 am to the time I go to sleep at 10 pm, there has to be a very good damn reason not to get a few focused hours of work in. This challenge feels too much already. Gods. Well, can't just stop and give a flying fuck about everything for a year, can I? Would be bloody fucking wonderful if I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Wouldn't I love that. No hassle, and... Enough already. Quit that. This is what I've got, and this is what I am going to roll with. Just keep swimming.

***This thread may slip to dark areas, like depression or suicidal thinking, so as a warning, it may shake things. And though I may sound harsh and judgemental, please remember, it's not towards you at all, but my inner things. I wouldn't think such things about anyone else <3*** I let things slip even more, to the point it starts to look really hopeless. Before, if I had did my best, and started crunching things, I would've been able to pull through the studies. Now, with another major paper not getting done, and two other assignments being due this week of the challenge, I'm nearly done for. I feel like I'm drifting in a river, floating gently, towards a waterfall. Until about a week ago, I tried to swim against the current, trying to finish schoolwork, at least trying to do something, though feeling worried and anxious. But now, I'm simply floating. Yes, I need to get the schoolwork that affects someone else's marks done, and then... I hope I can go. Not that fixing things is not possible: I could if I wanted to: focus in this moment, do the assignments, work on my shortcomings and faults, like procrastination, lack of sparks in my life, all that stuff. I feel it's too little and too late; that I would need so much more than I am now to do turn this around. I have no mental scars, like abuse or rape or anything major like that, just feel like a piece of sh*t, and that all that I have failed until now, and which I judge myself is a big pile of little pieces of gravel, and it all together is too much to bear. About suicide, so in spoilers: So, tl;dr My problems feel so big, I feel I don't want or can't solve, so I want to get rid of them. Now, I don't want to go like this: wasting my time away, nothing much to show after this life, finishing it half-baked.. All the little things, like hugs, and the rare occasions I've made someone's day, and when I've felt in peace and free, like moments with nature, or time spent with friends, it is encouraging. Things that have helped in the past: 1) The Zen Habits 1000 cuts Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 10:46 PM, said: 200 points, 3-4 things a day. Adding that 5 min of streching, or every 5000 steps over the daily 10k I usually get, are worth one point. 2) Positive, beautiful, grateful things in my life (3 daily) http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/26507-3-things/ http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/24603-pvs-the-honorable-order-of-rebellious-appraising-yeomen/ Like those threads. And from the members, at least Liberator does this, whose gratitude statements are beautiful! Vnv nation, Assemblage 23, Rotersand... I am grateful for great music. 3) Due diligence - Seek out all the deadlines of assignments into one sheet, hang it to a wall, and decide how much I can do, and arrange the rest http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/ Things that help - Leechblock - Firefox addons that blocks sites you want for a certain time. Reduces distraction and procrastination. Aiming to use it daily. - I have to stop worrying. I don't know yet how, maybe that's another goal. - Go to sleep at 10 pm, so the next day isn't such a grind.