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So umm.....hi. Let me explain....no, is too much. Let me sum up: I'm just coming out of the worst year of my life, complete with mental breakdown and taking a medical leave of absence from work, almost getting divorced, and all that good stuff. I've taken a LONG break from NF, for lots of reasons, but I miss my nerds TERRIBLY and I've decided it's time to come back. Plus, I'm trying something different this time. I've spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure, a fuckup, a worthless piece of sludge. I suffer from depression and ADHD, and so things that are simple for others are nearly impossible for me. While I don't necessarily compare myself to other people, I have in my mind this Ideal Person, and the kind of things this person does. I have wasted so much time comparing myself to this Person, falling short, and beating myself up for it. I've decided that it ends, NOW. I've decided to be the best Mir I can be, and that means embracing all the awesome things that make me Mir, while acknowledging my weaknesses but not hating myself for them. I'm not sure exactly how things work around here these days, and also I only decided yesterday to make a challenge, so here are my thoughts thus far: Main Quest: Love Thyself How am I going to accomplish this? I, errr....don't really know. What I've come up with so far is to ask myself two questions: Does this make my life easier? / What will make my life easier? Does this make me happier? / What will make me happier? The non easy/happy things are going out the window. I'm going to look at my life differently. I'm going to look at my SELF differently. I am simply not wired to be the Super Organizer that for some reason I've felt I should be. Instead, I'm wired to be fun, crazy, wild, creative, zany, loud, outgoing, etc etc etc. It's time to embrace me. It's time to be authentically Mir. Other things I'd like to accomplish, but I haven't decided the order/priority in which they fall (and certainly some of them are more than 4 week goals): start doing PT againgo back to gymmake good food choices/cook yummy food at hometake care of myself while at work (this includes things like actually taking a lunch, bringing food to eat instead of drinking coffee and eating candy all day, getting up from my desk once in a while, etc)get Etsy shop off the groundstart doing home improvement stuff again (painting, ugh)

Okay. So. I can feel my right leg caving in when it gets hard, and I can manage to push it back out but I can't stop it from happening. Also pretty sure something wonky is going on with my back because it feels a little owie. Although these were MUCH improved from 2 weeks ago. Not sure how much the video shows. (This was set 2 of 3).

Okay. I don't have a video because I didn't bring my phone to the gym, but I tried my first "heavy" squats today since my SI joint problems earlier in the year. Heavy = 135. My back has been bothering me a little over the past few days but it hasn't been terrible. Now it's terrible, even though I did lots of PT stuff before and in between my sets. Anyway. Obviously I 1. should not have squatted today, and/or 2. should not have squatted that heavy. I did notice some form issues though. I definitely did a little bit of a squat-morning. My right knee has a tendency to cave in. This is not the first time I've noticed it but it's the first time it's been this bad. My core was tight throughout the entire lift (I have tried to make double extra sure of this since the Incident) but I still felt like I was losing tension in the hole, which could definitely contribute to the back owies. Also, and this is unusual, the squats were slow going down and slow going up. Slow going up is more normal, but for some reason I had a really hard time taking advantage of the stretch reflex in the bottom. I don't want to stop squatting. But obviously I overdid it today and I might be out of commission for a few days. And yes, no one here is a doctor, etc etc etc BUT! do y'all have any suggestions for improving form with the things I have noted? Part of it could be is that I just went too heavy, too fast. I don't know. Also sorry this post is all over the place. I am Ow, destroyer of Mir's body.