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This is the beginning of my journey, and I need your help. My name is Lindley. I am an ICU nurse with a really shitty night schedule. I am 5'1" and the heaviest I have ever been at 163 pounds. I was in a very unhealthy five year relationship, had two sons with the individual, and am now a single mom. I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, anxiety, binge/purge, and PTSD. Now for the thing that sent me over the edge... June 12, 2016, I woke up and discovered my 5 week old son (Ronin August) had died from SIDS during a nap. Needless to say, it was the single most traumatic experience of my life and it's left me with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and apathy. Any kind of will to live just went out the window, let alone any king of will to get healthy and back in to shape. Now, just waking up and doing day-to-day things is a struggle. I live in Oklahoma and have a very limited support system (one friend within physical proximity, and my mom and aunt available via telephone). I'm maxed out on my antidepressants and I go to hypnotherapy 4 times a month (which is not cheap!). Also, I'm now hypertensive and I just FEEL the toll this is taking on my body. I don't feel good. I used to be very in shape. I loved being active and eating clean. But now, the smallest things are a challenge. I don't want to live like this, but the sadness overwhelms me. I am reaching out to this community because there is still a sliver of something inside of me that wants me to "get better". I'm searching for support. I've tried to be mentally healthy, thinking my body would follow suit, but that obviously didn't work. And now I need a different approach. I want to be healthy for my remaining son (Olin Anthony). We all have struggles. We all have our crosses to bear. I would love to hear what others have overcome and how they did it. Tell me your story.