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  1. I am running out of ideas for challenge titles. This year I need to work on my co-dependency problems. Living with family members with personality disorders is not fun any more. And since I am also working with them, and we have been hovering on the edge of bankruptcy for the past ten years, I am beyond tired. I have suicidal thoughts every single day. It is not good, and I will cope, but being unhappy is not fun. I have no contact with anyone outside the internet, so have no support of any kind. I also finished my spreadsheet on my spending for the past year, and it is depressing how little I did to make my own life better. If more than half my income go into keeping the workshop running things are wrong. I also bought more than 200 second hand books, 41 large packets of crisps, 5 pizzas and I had fries 11 times. And since the charity shop opened I managed to get some decent clothing, something that has been bothering me for years. My weight is also not in a good place. I started last year at 96.8 kg, dropped to 91 kg, went up to 102 kg, and weighed in this morning at 99.9 kg. It is a long way from my lowest of 76 kg. My eating is actually on track, it is just my activity levels that are too low. I have started working on moving a bit more the past few weeks, and I am feeling better, but I need to do some proper exercise. My car is wonky. There is nothing I can do about it, but it is another worry that is nagging at the back of my head. My health is mostly good. I have not been to the doctor in more than a year, I have not seen a dentist is more than twenty years. There is some issues, yesterday my sciatica flared up again, and I could barely walk, but it got much better throughout the day. For this challenge I am trying to get back into some good habits: 1. Exercise. Do something that make me sweat every day 2. Journal Write a journal every day. 3. Meditate 5 minutes meditation every day. As a side challenge try not to kill anyone. We are starting our work year this coming Monday, and I am dreading it. Spending another year among stupid people I cannot stand is not something I am looking forward too. I am considering becoming an asshole just to drive them away. But getting rid of people in place with 40% unemployment is almost impossible. My to-do list for this holiday was longer than my arm. I did my first item, got sidetracked by my father, had to rebuild a machine, had a burst waterpipe and basically spend my entire holiday doing things other people wanted me to do. I need to work on this boundary thing.
  2. Alright, Where to begin? I work 50 hours a week, at two jobs, an Asian Restaurant and a Deli. I'm supposed to be studying game design but I may have just failed because I didn't submit any work in the last month because I've had an increase in migraines and was told two weeks ago that we have to move by Jan 16th. I suffer Severe Depression, and am on Meds for it. I also suffer Anxiety. I've been going through a rough spot of late due to all the stress and am struggling to not shut down. I could sleep all day, quite literally. I am a nerd, I love books, video games, art and alternative culture. I am a goth. I have bodys mods and want to get more. I am determined to slowly (because I honestly cant handle much more.) change my routines, to eat healthier and exercise. I am going to be positive and happier. I am going to meditate and control my thoughts. I am going to be more productive, and not let myself drown.
  3. I got the 42 positive, honest self appraisals in Milythaels' HOoRAY, (as the moment, Bekah, the Druid ambassador, as the boss). And still counting! A part of what helped me succeed was that it was always in the back of my mind reminding about positive things, and all that "about surrounding yourself with positive people", yanno? So, I was very, very broken until the last week, somewhere inside me I still am, but I am doing a f*cking insane progress. I can't really believe how awesome this is! I am not sure, if this is borderline delusional, but what the hell! Given where I am coming, this is welcomed for a change. And where I am going, when the endorphins and dopamine ( = The moments/days when it could rains shit and you'd keep on smiling) levels drop, these things still stay, and are a golden line in the middle of day-to-day living that so often is disillusioned and hopeless. - Fending off for the moment the Demonemon (the negative voice we all have to some degree that tries to bring you down and keep you there) - A lot of brutal, honest, wickedly useful and fun (Yeah! I know!) self-appraisal, realisations, stomping on the lies we feed to ourselves, throwing out of the window several parts of the useless, bad habit-ridden crap we haul around daily, - I'm getting better at stomping down my ego, pride, stubbornness and fear of change - As there is said to be the delusion with young people that "life goes on forever, there's always a new tomorrow and I am immortal, I cannot die, ever", thinking about death daily has ground that illusion to the ground. The very, very little things good, that I mostly took granted, hit me sometimes speechless. - And I still like doing immature, unexpected, weird, useless things just for the fun of it, giving a mental middle-finger to the "Oh, what other people think about me"-thought -hell, let them look! Comparing to the shitstorm I have gone and going through, I have a lot less to fear. - Oh yeah, if this or my struggles helps someone, ever, let me know! It would make my day! I feel solemn at the face of this all, because these things usually take a lifetime to learn, and can't be really taught by anyone else, they have to be lived to be learned. And kept alive constantly after learned. And I am barely past 20 years! And how miraculously I happened to be given the hardships, that I have survived, to find out these things, and the knowledge and tools to learn all that I have learned and be here in the forums, with this swirling, wonderful atmosphere. It is not over, but going to the right direction!
  4. Respawn because I am not happy with what I have been doing with my time, and that if I do not create accountability, I know I will just wait for the shit hit the fan. And I do not want that. NSFW so that you know: Brief mentions about my suicidal tendencies, but trying not to spread it all over. And swearwords, because I am angry at myself. “If you were forced to start over. If you had to wipe your slate clean and choose the important things, what would you change? What would you stop doing? Where would you put your focus?†- I have no source, but not mine For TL;DR, read the big, bold, underlined bits: I spend my time in all the wrong places: in front of the screen, PC games, online procrastination. In a nutshell, things that are gone as soon as they’re forgotten. That in the end only take time and do not give anything back. Yes, I do (sort of) enjoy them, but when all is said and done, worthless things. I don’t have many good memories from games or other entertainment, because I have not as a result done anything about the things I’ve learned. I do not cherish most of that mindless fodder. I've half-assed so many of my challenges, not having a drive behind them. Hoarding too many things, and not getting half of them done. I owe so much to so many around here, and I could not, or didn't want to give back to this community. No bueno.After my last challenge, I pretty much gave up. Again. Like a limp fish going down the river, thinking about my suicide plan, and going with the family to visit relatives, or travelling, and doing what felt smooth with the least resistance, but not caring. So I know where the path I am walking leads to, has been leading for a long time. But, yet still: My most beautiful memories either include other people or nature in them. Shooting the shit with friends, without needing to pretend anything, or doing something as a group or together with someone. Or at sundown seeing a wonderful scenery, or a butterfly landing on my hand or seeing one at 10 cm away. Singing with other people. Or a vivid campfire, watching the waves or a forest trail. The two things definitely have a pattern. Quite recently I’ve added creating something through imagination (drawing and writing) as a third valuable thing, (but that's put on hold for a while). For adding more of good stuff, I need the time the mindless shit steals from me. Therefore: http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/ The do less & focus part: Leo Babautas article about the Most Important Tasks: http://zenhabits.net/purpose-your-day-most-important-task/ So my MITs are, based on things I regret not doing Underlined what I focus on this time: 1) My body. Teeth, joints, what I eat. Stretching. Movement. Work out ¨twice a week. Find a class to sign to – pilates, yoga, parkour, a starting gym group. Whatever I can get my hands on, as long as it has good movement in it, and optionally other people. Eat two vegetables a day. At least two, but it will hopefully lead to more. 2) The things that give something back, that I want to focus on. Nature, beauty, new experiences + learning things IRL. Other people. Knowing and being okay with myself. Getting outside my comfort zone. Friends and friendship. Family. Lovers. Caring, connection, understanding. Love. Sex. Breathing in and living right here. Living these things. Something off the list I cherish. Every single day. Something I have never done. Where I haven’t been in my hometown? What I haven’t eaten ever before? Talking to a new person. A song I’ve never heard? 3) The schoolwork. *sigh* is not on the list of unforgettable experiences. I picked the Bachelor of Business Administration because it was the best of all the boring study lines, and would open up many different career paths. Without a higher education I don’t have much hope to get a job, and I don’t want to depend on the state welfare or my parents, because having to depend on others would chew me up eventually. Can’t start a new line of study, as that would take another 3,5 years, can’t drop out as that would close many doors on my future, so the only way is forward. But fuck this, that's bullshit. Without a driving reason this is worthless, right? *deep breathing* *deep breathing* Okay. Right now I do not have anything else to scrape a living from in the future, and I do a lot of soul-sucking things on a daily basis anyway, so where's the difference? So it's labeled as Shit I Fucking Gotta Get Done. A task a day. An assignment, or an A4 of text. A clear piece of progress that I do not have to return back to fix errors from.. Between the time I wake up at 8 am to the time I go to sleep at 10 pm, there has to be a very good damn reason not to get a few focused hours of work in. This challenge feels too much already. Gods. Well, can't just stop and give a flying fuck about everything for a year, can I? Would be bloody fucking wonderful if I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Wouldn't I love that. No hassle, and... Enough already. Quit that. This is what I've got, and this is what I am going to roll with. Just keep swimming.
  5. ***This thread may slip to dark areas, like depression or suicidal thinking, so as a warning, it may shake things. And though I may sound harsh and judgemental, please remember, it's not towards you at all, but my inner things. I wouldn't think such things about anyone else <3*** I let things slip even more, to the point it starts to look really hopeless. Before, if I had did my best, and started crunching things, I would've been able to pull through the studies. Now, with another major paper not getting done, and two other assignments being due this week of the challenge, I'm nearly done for. I feel like I'm drifting in a river, floating gently, towards a waterfall. Until about a week ago, I tried to swim against the current, trying to finish schoolwork, at least trying to do something, though feeling worried and anxious. But now, I'm simply floating. Yes, I need to get the schoolwork that affects someone else's marks done, and then... I hope I can go. Not that fixing things is not possible: I could if I wanted to: focus in this moment, do the assignments, work on my shortcomings and faults, like procrastination, lack of sparks in my life, all that stuff. I feel it's too little and too late; that I would need so much more than I am now to do turn this around. I have no mental scars, like abuse or rape or anything major like that, just feel like a piece of sh*t, and that all that I have failed until now, and which I judge myself is a big pile of little pieces of gravel, and it all together is too much to bear. About suicide, so in spoilers: So, tl;dr My problems feel so big, I feel I don't want or can't solve, so I want to get rid of them. Now, I don't want to go like this: wasting my time away, nothing much to show after this life, finishing it half-baked.. All the little things, like hugs, and the rare occasions I've made someone's day, and when I've felt in peace and free, like moments with nature, or time spent with friends, it is encouraging. Things that have helped in the past: 1) The Zen Habits 1000 cuts Fearkiller, on 26 Feb 2014 - 10:46 PM, said: 200 points, 3-4 things a day. Adding that 5 min of streching, or every 5000 steps over the daily 10k I usually get, are worth one point. 2) Positive, beautiful, grateful things in my life (3 daily) http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/26507-3-things/ http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/24603-pvs-the-honorable-order-of-rebellious-appraising-yeomen/ Like those threads. And from the members, at least Liberator does this, whose gratitude statements are beautiful! Vnv nation, Assemblage 23, Rotersand... I am grateful for great music. 3) Due diligence - Seek out all the deadlines of assignments into one sheet, hang it to a wall, and decide how much I can do, and arrange the rest http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/ Things that help - Leechblock - Firefox addons that blocks sites you want for a certain time. Reduces distraction and procrastination. Aiming to use it daily. - I have to stop worrying. I don't know yet how, maybe that's another goal. - Go to sleep at 10 pm, so the next day isn't such a grind.
  6. Looking at how my life has been lately, I may bring up dark topics, like depression, suicide, sadness, vulnerability... Spending so my time with these thoughts, I've gotten very used to them. 1) To do the right thing Last 2-3 months I have spent about 50-75 % of my time at work on webcomics, and non-work related websites, like Tvtropes.org and Cracked.com. But I have still gotten my salary. That is same as I had stolen the money, and I need to talk to my boss about this. But I might get fired, and/or need to return the money. But it's not mine, so the talk must be had. Continuing the 1000 cuts upping it to 200 points at the end of the challenge. And continuing the gratitude journaling. 4) At least 2 hours of productive homework time/day, 5 days/week. I have a ten page essay (due end of this month) and practical training paperwork to do. -I'm grateful for the NF community among other things for encouragement, and words of hope. -I had a decent meal health-wise lately. -A 3.5 mile/5.5 km walk, and some bodyweight exercises lately. I feel a bit better because of it. (Seems like I can't see much in my life to feel grateful for.) Hence the challenge.
  7. Guys I need help. The O Levels results were published today, and my friend, who worked exceedingly hard didn't do as good as he expected to. Now he wants to suicide (He's the cleanest and nicest guy you'd ever come upon) and now he's completely broken down. He worked really hard, and now he wants to end his life. He thinks death is what he deserves. I need help ASAP.
  8. Looking at how my life has been lately, I may bring up dark topics, like depression, suicide, sadness, vulnerability... 1) I will commit to one Random Act of Kindness every week Jitters suggested it'd be helpful to look for opportunities to help other people. Not just opening a door for someone, or a compliment, but something they will remember, and smile about. 2) Zenhabits 1000 cuts "Over the previous challenges, I have several times tried working out as a solid set of bodyweight exercises with a warm up, exercises and streching. It has felt intimidating and pressing to obsess over it and have it as a unyelding chunk. Then, during the Planksanity I found it fun to do planks in small 1-2 minute doses over the day. So it turns out The Zenhabits Thousand Cuts Fitness Program, as described there, http://zenhabits.net/1000-cuts/ is small things along the day. A few pushups there, a pull up when you pass the bar, run when you feel like it. Making them more frequent, harder and preferably something playful given time. So for future comparison, run until I have to stop, 10 push-ups or 1 minute good-form plank are sufficient each for one point." This has worked before, I got results with it, I felt better. I can do 10 push ups, a little planking, a few lunges... I feel like shit sometimes, both mentally and physically. Human beings are meant to move, and when that doesn't happen, it leads to all kinds of problems, right? So I have to get off my butt. 3) Find three significant / beautiful / good things I am grateful for, every day. (I remember Liberator did the same thing before, so tip of a hat her way ) There has to be, and are, good things in my life, I know it. I forget/don't want to look for them sometimes, and still they are there. I am alive. I bought vegetables instead of candy. My workday wasn't a complete disaster. I still did some productive things. 4) Go to work, every day, on time, and do focused, productive work. Last week, I used almost three full workdays on computer games, NF and other shit not related to work. That is unacceptable. I am not proud of it. They pay me to work there, and then I cheat on them like this? Makes me feel horrible. I wouldn't go and steal from the cash register, or lie to my co-workers, but what I am doing is so close I might as well have. It isn't right. I do not want to be that kind of a person. Also, I will not cut a single meeting with my therapist, and I will be honest with them.
  9. This turned out maybe too honest. A fair warning: I personally think you should read this as an adult, and then decide if it is okay for your kid to think of such. Concerns dark and sad emotions and suicidal feelings. -Thank you Lately, that mental bullsh*t started giving me trouble again. After one extremely bad "not-any-kind-of-beautiful-thoughts" day, I am seeing professional help. On a rational level I mostly know what is causing it (depression, addiction, loneliness, low self-esteem like glass and a general "why the **** bother?" with life), but it is a royal mess to start making life easier. Tried to tidy up the challenge to save people from the hurt. Well, seems with this kind of subject, I can't tidy it up enough. PM me, if you want a rougher account, I will gladly give it, but I am not comfortable with the idea of making it public. Main goal: Although I feel sometimes like suicide is a good option, I am afraid of death. I don't want to die. The small steps of beautiful things: Escapism is not a depression medicine 1) 2 hours of homework day, and no gaming/books before that. 2 hours is less than I'd need to solve the huge backlog accumulated, but as I currently do next to zero, that'd be a good step up. Love, human connection and beautiful things 2) I know I need close people, and just a normal conversation with someone makes me feel better, but I do not know how. I have spent so long alone, I find it hard to reach for people, especially strangers. Despite family and two good friends, (sometimes) I feel terribly lonely. 3) Look on the positive Due to depression and my self esteem feeling like glass, if something happens (I fail at something, break stuff, can't hit a deadline) I have a tendency for spiraling thoughts of negativity that go on and on, and I tend just listen to that little voice that tells me I am worthless (and worse...). On the worst times I really believe that lil' bastard. I am going to take active part in the Honorable Order of Rebellious Appraising Yeomen and Love Your Body and Food. To have a defence for the horrible days. 3) Finding thing that bring me joy Lately not even PC games or reading has brought me much joy, other things even less or not at all. I just do those to have something, to have bubble that shields from the boring real world. See #1 But then again, sometimes the little things, like walking in the sun, or drinking warm chocolate are fun. But I still can smile and laugh, and enjoy things. Finding more of those. Right now, I would rather feel pain than nothing at all, because of the chance of life. -Yours, Fearkiller
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