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Respawn because I am not happy with what I have been doing with my time, and that if I do not create accountability, I know I will just wait for the shit hit the fan. And I do not want that. NSFW so that you know: Brief mentions about my suicidal tendencies, but trying not to spread it all over. And swearwords, because I am angry at myself. “If you were forced to start over. If you had to wipe your slate clean and choose the important things, what would you change? What would you stop doing? Where would you put your focus?†- I have no source, but not mine For TL;DR, read the big, bold, underlined bits: I spend my time in all the wrong places: in front of the screen, PC games, online procrastination. In a nutshell, things that are gone as soon as they’re forgotten. That in the end only take time and do not give anything back. Yes, I do (sort of) enjoy them, but when all is said and done, worthless things. I don’t have many good memories from games or other entertainment, because I have not as a result done anything about the things I’ve learned. I do not cherish most of that mindless fodder. I've half-assed so many of my challenges, not having a drive behind them. Hoarding too many things, and not getting half of them done. I owe so much to so many around here, and I could not, or didn't want to give back to this community. No bueno.After my last challenge, I pretty much gave up. Again. Like a limp fish going down the river, thinking about my suicide plan, and going with the family to visit relatives, or travelling, and doing what felt smooth with the least resistance, but not caring. So I know where the path I am walking leads to, has been leading for a long time. But, yet still: My most beautiful memories either include other people or nature in them. Shooting the shit with friends, without needing to pretend anything, or doing something as a group or together with someone. Or at sundown seeing a wonderful scenery, or a butterfly landing on my hand or seeing one at 10 cm away. Singing with other people. Or a vivid campfire, watching the waves or a forest trail. The two things definitely have a pattern. Quite recently I’ve added creating something through imagination (drawing and writing) as a third valuable thing, (but that's put on hold for a while). For adding more of good stuff, I need the time the mindless shit steals from me. Therefore: http://calnewport.com/blog/2011/11/11/if-youre-busy-youre-doing-something-wrong-the-surprisingly-relaxed-lives-of-elite-achievers/ The do less & focus part: Leo Babautas article about the Most Important Tasks: http://zenhabits.net/purpose-your-day-most-important-task/ So my MITs are, based on things I regret not doing Underlined what I focus on this time: 1) My body. Teeth, joints, what I eat. Stretching. Movement. Work out ¨twice a week. Find a class to sign to – pilates, yoga, parkour, a starting gym group. Whatever I can get my hands on, as long as it has good movement in it, and optionally other people. Eat two vegetables a day. At least two, but it will hopefully lead to more. 2) The things that give something back, that I want to focus on. Nature, beauty, new experiences + learning things IRL. Other people. Knowing and being okay with myself. Getting outside my comfort zone. Friends and friendship. Family. Lovers. Caring, connection, understanding. Love. Sex. Breathing in and living right here. Living these things. Something off the list I cherish. Every single day. Something I have never done. Where I haven’t been in my hometown? What I haven’t eaten ever before? Talking to a new person. A song I’ve never heard? 3) The schoolwork. *sigh* is not on the list of unforgettable experiences. I picked the Bachelor of Business Administration because it was the best of all the boring study lines, and would open up many different career paths. Without a higher education I don’t have much hope to get a job, and I don’t want to depend on the state welfare or my parents, because having to depend on others would chew me up eventually. Can’t start a new line of study, as that would take another 3,5 years, can’t drop out as that would close many doors on my future, so the only way is forward. But fuck this, that's bullshit. Without a driving reason this is worthless, right? *deep breathing* *deep breathing* Okay. Right now I do not have anything else to scrape a living from in the future, and I do a lot of soul-sucking things on a daily basis anyway, so where's the difference? So it's labeled as Shit I Fucking Gotta Get Done. A task a day. An assignment, or an A4 of text. A clear piece of progress that I do not have to return back to fix errors from.. Between the time I wake up at 8 am to the time I go to sleep at 10 pm, there has to be a very good damn reason not to get a few focused hours of work in. This challenge feels too much already. Gods. Well, can't just stop and give a flying fuck about everything for a year, can I? Would be bloody fucking wonderful if I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Wouldn't I love that. No hassle, and... Enough already. Quit that. This is what I've got, and this is what I am going to roll with. Just keep swimming.