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The TLDR version – I am mad, frustrated and angry that things are out of my control. I am sad, depressed and almost hopeless that things that should be a good thing I can’t celebrate or get taken away from me. I am drained and confused because everything I try to do goes sideways and I can’t seem to do anything right. Oh and on top of all this, the anxiety that pairs with the depression is having a field day. The long version. I was all set up to do the last challenge. Life was looking good, I had gotten out of school, I was ready to get into the next phase of my life. Then the job opened and I was okay, but anxious and worried, and that derailed me. I just couldn’t focus anymore. Work got crazy due to we hit the crazy time (I now know this) and I kept waiting on interviews and then the job was mine. I should be all excited for the new job, but not much has really changed work wise. I have most the same jobs, but I get paid more, but there are things that need sorted that we haven’t had time to sort, like if I am moving offices. I haven’t seen an official piece of paper on the job, but I know its mine. I am happy to be staying, but lets just say I don’t feel like I ever get a good thing. I called my mom to tell her I got the job, and it became all about her and how horrible a day it was. I got my big moment taken away because she had a bad day at the dr. Xrays showed arthritis. This last week, I took her to see the Ortho surgeon, and they are saying she needs a hip replacement. So I finally get a big kid job, and now I may need to take off to do the rehab with her. The worst part is, the dr says she can’t have it yet because she does not have enough tone and condition (Muscle strength) around that hip to make the rehab manageable. So right now, we won’t know anything until Dec, but she has rehab to work on getting it stronger. I am hoping for surgery in May (for numerous reasons) but if we do that, Agent Eldest also graduates HS and I feel like that will be taken away too. But for all I know, Christmas may be overshadowed by the whole hip thing. Hell, I can’t even figure out if I can take a day off if I need to because I may need the vacation to take care of her. And during all this, she is back to needing me almost daily for dumb stuff. For 3 weeks now, I get an email saying “You need to pick up my groceries on this day at this time” without consulting if I am free. I am over there for a couple hours a day doing random stuff. The Dr recommends a walker, and next thing I know, after work I am going to get the walker and an hour before I leave for that, I get a text she didn’t want to wait for the prescription so I need to go across town to get that for her. And anytime I make a comment about “Well, I have work…” I get a bullshit “Welcome to working full time” response from her. Also she told my brother complete lies basically. She said the dr blamed her weight and didn’t listen to her. I told him what is really up and now he has the idea she will need long term care and be wheelchair bound. I told him I can’t think like that right now. Right now, I am dealing with today, I can’t focus on the “What if the surgery goes bad” Bs. I need to get past the litter boxes and her kitten peeing on the sofa and the damn groceries. Oh and Brother doesn’t plan to be home anytime soon or to help with the recovery because why not. On top of all this, Agent Youngest has been complaining that I am never home and she never sees me. But then when I come home, she doesn’t want to spend time with me. I just feel like I am failing them. And my knee rarely hurts, but is still swollen, so I may need to uproot us all again and get that looked at and possibly drained. Which scares me because I JUST STARTED working full time. So I am angry and frustrated that all this is on me. That I am trying to figure out what I want to do from here, but every time I try and take step forward, even a small one let alone these huge ones, I get thrown back. I am sad that I can’t have a single minute of “Look what I did, be proud” because everyone has to take it away from me. I am hopeless that any of this will get better anytime soon. I mean my mom I could be caring for like this for a year or forever. And she will continue to treat me like this without a thank you or offering to at least reimburse me for a WALKER. I will be honest, the anger and the depression are bad. The anxiety is acting up of “What next” or “What if I don’t pass the one thing I need to get officially the job (there is like 1 rubber stamp approval I need, but it’s been postponed thanks to Covid outbreak)” . I am just unsure what to do or how to make myself get out of anger and back into the “well just get it done,” state. So I am going to go backwards in my challenge and while I am not quite at “Just do something” state, I am making it super easy on myself. Only 33 pts will get me the day. I can always do more on better days, but I am making the bare minimum much easier. Hopefully I can get started and do better. We will see. Mostly, I just need kicked to remember to things. I do better when I check in here. So here we go. I deal with emotions this time around and try to just get past the anger and the sadness and the “Why bothers” Points and categories below. Goal Value Description Strength 1 Calf raises 1 Squats 14 1 Wall Sit (sec) 1 Side kicks Do 4 1 Leg lifts 4 1 Reverse sit ups 1 sit ups 1 Knee to Elbows 1 Push ups 1 Knee exercises from dr 1 Backward Leg Raises 1 Step ups 1 Side lunges 1 Desk push ups Flexibility 1 Wrist Extension Stretch 1 Wrist Flexion Stretch 17 1 Upward dog/Child pose 1 Meditating Groot 1 Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head) 1 Lower back stretch (One leg across body) 1 Chair Pose 1 Butterfly 1 Bridge Do 4 1 Ballet/toe Touch 4.00 1 Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch 1 Warrior 1 1 Ankle Circles 1 Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing) 1 Quad stretch 1 Side stretch 1 Forward bend Life and Family 1 1 thing for mom a day 1 NF status update 1 NF reply one other thread 1 Water Garden 1 Walk Garden once a day 1 Do one thing to settle into new job 1 One thing I can fix. 22 1 Spend time with Agents 1 Harvest 1 Text/Talk to one family member a day (Chosen or Blood) 1 Water an inside plant 1 Read a book 1 Soak up the sun 1 Plan 1 Be in bed by 11:00 1 Floss in morning 1 Floss after work Do 8 1 Floss before bed 1 Check Dad's email 8 1 One good thing 1 Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime 1 Pull weeds for 5 minutes Fight Chaos 1 Pennisula/Island Clean all these daily 1 Table / Half wall 12 1 Desk 1 Bathroom up 1 Clean off file cabinet Do 4 1 Bathroom down 4 1 Clean off door to basement 1 Clean off Stairs and landing 1 Clean off tall dresser 1 Clean off nightstands 1 Clean off Dresser 1 Counter over dishwasher At least 5 minutes per room (at least one) 1 Garage 1 Dust one surface 1 Computer room 12 1 Basement 1 Clean 1 thing in file cabinet 1 Pick up one furtumbleweed a day 1 Clean garden binder 1 Deal with 1 random organizing project Do 4 1 Bathroom down 4 1 Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer 1 File 1 thing a day 1 Purge 1 thing a day Walking 1 Walk 9000 steps 6 1 Walk 15 minutes a day 1 Walk 5 minutes at lunch 1 Talk Agent K9 for a walk 3 1 7 hours with 250 steps do 3 1 Walk to Mordor Fuel 1 No eating after dinner 15 1 No stupid sugar 1 Track breakfast 1 Track Second breakfast do 6 1 Track Elevensies 1 Track lunch 1 Track Dinner 1 Track Supper 1 Take Probiotic 6 1 < 3 bottles of tea 1 Eat Dates Daily 1 Eat dried Apricots 1 Eat Breakfast 1 Eat Lunch 1 120 oz of water 98 Did I complete 5 minutes in room Total points for day 33.00